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Breaking Bad

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Breaking Fap, Jun 14, 2014.

  1. Breaking Fap

    Breaking Fap Fapstronaut

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    It's time to make a confession. I did not wanted to, because it was not sure if that was necessary, because it seemed like I was making progress, but this is not the case anymore.
    Just to make a brief superscription: I will write about rape and sexual abuse.

    A mosaic of facts:

    fact 1:

    I am 20, I was very ambitious, and still are from time to time, but not so energetic. Generally this is a good property for NoFap, because ambitious people, as they get a vision of a pathway,
    to achieve some goal, they are very determined to go that path.

    fact 2:

    I don't see any path. In fact I am right now thinking that this is time wasting (maybe false).

    fact 3:

    My mother brought me up alone, I never saw my father, although he is alive.
    When I was very young, I took a vow, which was not getting involved in any relationship with others. This unconsciously made it's way up to now. I don't remember why I did that. I experimented with the feelings of others, because I had no self-respect. I asked my mother at very young age, " what if I ram THIS knife into my heart?". I still do that kind of stuff. How do you call this behavoir?

    fact 4:

    Maybe not important, but this led to the fact that I never had a amicable relationship with someone else, especially with the other gender. I only surrounded myself with people, who created drama with me. So "I never had a girlfriend". This is to itself not a big deal, but I wanted that kind of relationship even in my preschool age. It would be just a lie to tell the opposite. My therapist once had asked me if I allowed myself that enjoyment.

    And it's strange for me to approach a strange person, to socialize. It's does not feel right to me. If someone wants something, then he or she may come and ask me. What is so wrong about that?
    A lot of people look at me as if I had some problem with them, and interpret my behavoir (like sitting in the back, or sitting alone, not approaching anyone unless I have a serious question) as dissociation. Well I guess it is. But there is no bad ulterior motive behind it. Its just the fact, that I don't actively approach people. I know everyone just by accident. Other people are very superficial. They see that I sit in the back row, and have somewhat a sad face, because I relapsed or something like that, and misinterpret it.

    I realized in my school time that the ordinary public education system (at least german one) is not made for me. I dont complain about it, it has its advantages for some people. But what I need, is a more specialized(adaptable), and personal education. I was happy to have very good math and physics teachers. They allowed me to have at least some free space of creativity, although they had to also keed track with the other pupils. Since the classes were relative small, there was also not a big chance to sit back in the last row or something, I had therefore more appropriation.


    fact 5:

    I remember that I had an abstract sexual kink for the woman body even in elementray school age.
    I don't know if its due to pornography addiction, but I am strongly turned on by soft, tight skin, especially legs, so my sexual kink found its manifestation while getting older.

    fact 6:

    2 reasons why I don't go to public swimming pools: Because most of the time I start to make voyeuristic recordings in the changing rooms, or if there is the chance, I strive for young girls, to "accidentally" touch their legs underwater or something like that. I already did that, since they don't defend at all. I made a lot of recordings which I immediately deleted. It was the danger of "breaking bad", that gave me the kick.

    I did that stuff even in school time, although I did not developed good hiding techniques so far.

    I also made recordings in changing rooms of sport halls. So I actively spent time to find the online schedules of the sport teams, to be prepared and knowing with which age band I have to deal with.

    It is not that I didnt try to stop it: I throw a digital camera (100 bucks) simply away, into the wastebin (right after I elaborately prepared it for hiding).

    fact 7:

    I feel that my tolerance threshold... no in fact I don't feel a significant threshold. There is only this big fear, which makes my heart explode. But I would go a lot further concerning sexual abuse.
    Once I sexually abused a girl sitting beside me, in a full train, by stroking her legs.
    Since the train was full, I didn't go any further, but mastrubated right beside her.

    fact 8:

    I don't watch online pornography anymore. Not because I overcame it, it is just boring.


    I am tired a bit

    EDIT:
    Just to make it clear: I am at a point, at which I am ready to fuck or at least sexually abuse a little girl, if there is the chance, to do this hidden. I don't know where this shit came from.
    This is leading to a bad future. So I am in a very conflictious (does that word exist?) situation. How can someone like that have self-respect?
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2014
  2. Nate007

    Nate007 Fapstronaut

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    Dont under any circumstance touch or do anything to any young girl for any reason. People who sexually abuse kids are the sickest animals on this earth, do not become one of them.
     
  3. aaron92

    aaron92 Fapstronaut

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    Please seek help immediately- go to a psychiatrist or something similar. If you have committed sexual offences, shouldn't you hand yourself into the Police?


    Sexual abuse ruins and costs lives, so please get yourself professional help, for the sake of yourself and the people whose lives you might ruin.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2014
  4. Breaking Fap

    Breaking Fap Fapstronaut

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    What is the police then going to do?
     
  5. Breaking Fap

    Breaking Fap Fapstronaut

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    My stress reactions will probably keep me away from getting too far. My heart beat is sometimes so immense that I tend to collapse.
    Once I had this bad urge, flattering through the corridor, when a girl turned around and said hello.
    The urge was completely gone.
     
  6. JohnnyChimpo

    JohnnyChimpo Fapstronaut

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    You have problems that go way beyond PMO, you really need to seek professional help immediately. I was sexually abused when I was 5 or 6, I never told anyone and I can't remember my exact age at the time of the abuse, but I still think about it to this day. I have nightmares about it and it has really helped to screw up my life.

    Remember that, you'd completely ruin someone's life if you acted on these urges and you can't rely on your stress reactions to keep you in line forever. Eventually the urge will grow too strong and you won't be able to control it.

    Again, you need more than nofap can offer you, this place is great for support regarding stopping PMO, but child molesting is a different story; get professional help now.
     
  7. Breaking Fap

    Breaking Fap Fapstronaut

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    Wait, there is a difference. I am not pedophile.
    It is pure visual stimulation, the age is not important. And I am not talking about children.
    I don't know if this make a difference for you, but it was pointed at revealingly dressed teenies.
    Why teenies? It is not the fact that they are teenies. But mostly because they have a low defence. Potentially I would have the same urge for any other age.

    I am stimulated the same way as with any other visually stimulating pornographical content. It is just that this activity established itself to be quantitatively more stimulating than a screen. Its like changing from low quality internet stream to 4d cinema.


    EDIT:
    I exaggerated a bit by using "little girl". Is there a difference between pedophilia and pure visual stimulation?

    You are saying that I am at the wrong place, and just wasting my time. But you did not wonder how this started? How do you know if this has nothing to do with Pornography? You are all talking me into believing that I have a problem of a different kind.Thank you for your sympathy, But This Is Not Helpful so far.
     
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2014
  8. Breaking Fap

    Breaking Fap Fapstronaut

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    I mean I am trying to control it, at get only rejections here.
    Otherwise nothing stops me from continuing going to swimming pools, or searching for hot spots.
    There are a lot of possibilities, but I just can control this. I don't go to sport halls either.

    Since started NoFap, and writing about things like that, I have more stress than before. Not than ever before, but relative high stress. I struggle with more questions about sexuality, and more and more believing that I have a big problem, instead of getting other things done.
     
  9. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    Breaking Fap,

    Your desire to peep and molest "teenies" because of their low defense, quite possibly this did not start because of porn but did start because of your severe social inhibitions. If you had more connection with others, you would develop more empathy for people of all ages, and your sexual preferences should shift to more participatory targets (like grown women who say "hello" and actually invite you to touch them). I think most of all you should focus on your social skills and forming relationships, both friendships and romantic. This is the hard stuff. Do whatever you need to do to keep working at it throughout life. Quitting porn may be good for you, especially if it reduces your urge to peep, but (just an opinion) IF you had to choose in the short term between being PMO-free and being a civilized, attentive guy on a date with a real woman, prioritize making a real connection with a real woman.

    Good relationships are what you need. It can take a long time, but trust me, you can build a satisfying social life better than you ever dreamed possible. I know because I was an isolated, rather sociopathic, youngster, and after over fifteen years of practice I can pass for normal even among people who know me well. (I'm still introverted, but people call me "nice", never expected that.) You probably care about how other people feel, deep down. You really have to find that part of yourself and cultivate it so that it grows. In addition to fighting your demons, you also have to strengthen your good impulses.

    Wishing you the best on your personal journey.


    P.S. Quit doing that bad stuff in real life before you get prosecuted!
     
  10. blubitatub

    blubitatub New Fapstronaut
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    You say you came here for help right? You obviously know that your behaviors are not healthy, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. You say you only get rejections here? What kind of response do you expect from other Fapstronauts? We all have one thing in common: we are all addicted to pornography and/or masturbation.

    And in this community we are supposed to support each other, not look the other way and turn a blind eye. It took me a lot of courage to admit my addiction, because of the shame that I (and all porn addicts) feel everyday. It took me about 3 years from admitting that I had a problem to actually doing something about it. I regret only not doing this sooner. Your behaviors might have something to do with porn, but (I can assume) none of us are qualified to advise you for this issue. Please make a concrete step, and see a psychiatrist soon. It looks almost like you want people here to excuse your behavior, but none of us will, because this is a community for people getting better. Please get yourself better by seeking help.

    Putting it off and saying "I will do it tomorrow" only allows your addiction/behavior to get stronger. I know we are in different situations, but I feel much healthier taking steps to get better, compared to a few months ago. Your entire life will be put on hold until you deal with this issue that is consuming you. Please, take the advise of other posts above mine and GET SOME HELP.
     
  11. aaron92

    aaron92 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with this- once you're focused on quitting porn, maybe it will help you deal with your other urges?
     
  12. Breaking Fap

    Breaking Fap Fapstronaut

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    I got a bad cold, and feel better than before. This illness drains so much energy, that there is no room left, to do bad stuff. I don't have to deal too much with overflowing sexual energy. No urges, less destructive thoughts, low demands.

    I realized that you are not completely wrong. But I am not sure if NoFap wouldn't be the right place to start with. The fact that my illness regulates my energy, such that my sexual drive is lowerd, means that, under ordinary conditions, I have problems to regulate my sexual energy. That is just one aspect.
    Of course I am suffering the same impacts of addictive mastrubation as you (except ED), and that is also one reason why I came here.

    The other thing is,that I can not imagine how a therapist could help me. I already have made experience with 2 therapists. But I was not able to open up completely. For me the therapist is just a human, a small instance of awareness. In the end I got to help myself, with tools that were given to me in the form of declarative knowledge.


    EDIT: I am seriously happy to have a cold right now.
    Do you have similar problem with having a latent sickness, which from time to time pops up, especially on weekends?
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2014
  13. JohnnyChimpo

    JohnnyChimpo Fapstronaut

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    I'm seeing a therapist at the moment for anxiety and depression and I feel the same way sometimes, I have trouble opening up and discussing certain things. I haven't mentioned the PMO thing or NoFap, it's really embarrassing. One of my problems is social anxiety and I almost completely shut down when I'm with other people.

    It's really difficult, but you have to open up more with a therapist or they can't help. I know it's a lot easier to just post here about your struggle, but this alone isn't enough. You have a cold right now and that's reducing your urges and destructive thoughts, take advantage of that and start discussing this problem with a therapist while you still can. Keep posting here, it could be helpful, but don't stop the in real life therapy. Keep going, you can do this.
     
  14. Scaramanga

    Scaramanga Fapstronaut

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    No? A pedophile is someone who fancies children, doesnt necesarily have to act upon it.
     
  15. IGY

    IGY Guest

    No, Scaramanga! paedophilia = primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children (generally age 11 years or younger).
     
  16. Scaramanga

    Scaramanga Fapstronaut

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    I dont understand how that would contradict what I wrote. What I was trying to say was that you can be a paedophile without molesting children in the same way as you can be heterosexual and be a virgin.
     
  17. mr nofap

    mr nofap Fapstronaut

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    Bro, you're gonna have the FBI knocking on your door real soon (or the equivalent in whatever country you're from).
     
  18. IGY

    IGY Guest

    You said, fancies children which is not the same as a primary or exclusive sexual attraction to prepubescent children. Some adults may, occasionally, 'fancy children' in their mid teens but they are not paedophiles.
     
  19. Scaramanga

    Scaramanga Fapstronaut

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    Well actually prepubescent children is a subset of children so you could have just written something like "actually, to be specific it should be prepubescent children" if you thought it would have added value to the thread. If you would have read breaking fap's question you would have seen that the age wasnt that relevant really in the point I was trying to make.
     
  20. Breaking Fap

    Breaking Fap Fapstronaut

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    Wow, after 6 days, again looking at my first post, this looks pretty alien to me. I guess this was a figment of the imagination. Bad auto-suggestion, bad self-influence, self-demoralization. No one is breaking bad here.
     

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