My friend has repressed his emotions for years. Need advice.

Lately I've been having some issues with my best friend. Many of you may already know the scenario. Long story short, he's been teasing me constantly over the last year and a half over one topic: Getting a girlfriend. I think anyone would go insane if someone they knew and trusted for years suddenly turns a 180 on them. Even though we're still good friends, his arrogance, cocky behavior, and the way he approaches things as if he's a hot shot is annoying. I've done things in the past that may have hurt them deeply, and subconsciously he's getting back at me.

It's his first relationship, and while I've never been in one, I would say that I've had better luck talking to women than he did. The downside was that I was rejected more times than I could count. Strangely enough, he always seemed to point this out by constantly teasing me to get a girlfriend (not on bad intentions however). Worst of all, I'm getting to the point where I'm about to lose it with him. His girlfriend has never given me any problems; it's just him.

Now on to my main point, for the last year I've desperately asked him to stop his ways. But finally I know why he's like this, but I need some advice in order for us to move on. Recently, I've written him a 6 page letter expressing all my feelings to him. And for me being a very articulate writer, I'd knew he'd understand. I meant every word of it and expressed my deepest thoughts and concerns regarding us. However, all he sent me was a text saying "Thanks for your kind words."

From what I know, I thought that he would say more. Out of all the 22 years I've known him, he never expressed himself to me. He would tell me his problems, but never went any further. I'm just trying to figure out why he's been so aggressive with the teasing. Is he that mad at me for treating him badly in the past? Or is he just bringing out his own insecurities? Normally, he's a very outgoing kind of guy.

I want him to express his emotions to me. I think it's necessary, but unfortunately he claims himself as a very private person. He won't even tell his girlfriend anything personal, let alone me. Deep down I truly understand him now. I feel he's afraid to show his weaknesses and refuses to tell me how he feels. So far, no apology and no sympathy for the way he's treated me. It's been almost a month since we've seen each other. I've expressed myself to him, so why won't he? What the hell is he hiding and why is he so arrogate just because he has something I don't have? I've been hurt enough by him and my failures with women in general. As of now, if I hang out with him and he girlfriend again, it will be the same shit all over again.

 

I think you're right, I really have done my part because I've tried so hard to make him stop in the beginning. But surprisingly, I feel that all or most of it is my fault. I was the one who started this whole thing, and now I have to solve it. In reality, I've realized that he has suffered more than I have, and for him to hold all this in is dangerous. I know he's afraid, insecure, and lacks confidence just like me.

Also I'm taking your advice on staying away from him too. I've been feeling a little bit better not thinking about him now that he's out of my sight, and maybe it's time I should focus on myself for once. Work has been keeping me busy lately. However, in the end, he's still my friend and there's a reason why we've known each other for 22 years. I think one of these days he will understand; no one is invincible in a relationship, and everyone will get hurt one way or another. I hope he gets the idea someday.

 

Yes, after weeks of contemplating, I'm finally deciding to let it go. For the longest time, I've realized that I was the asshole, the loser, and the bad guy. It was my fault all along, and for him to hold this all in because he's afraid to show his vulnerability is dangerous. One can only tolerate so much, and it appears he's getting pushed against the corner.

As for me getting a girlfriend? I've tried so hard for many years, that I don't even care anymore. I've never been more focused on myself in my life. And as for our friendship, I know that I must be the one that has to act first. I must open myself up a little more, to show my own vulnerability, in order for him to earn my trust again. And yes, I do forgive him because in reality, he has suffered more than I have; he just doesn't show it. But now I've figured him out.

If he teases me again, I'll use his own tactic against him by holding it in. However, I'm holding it in for good reasons because in my mind, I already know my future, the type of girlfriend, and what I want in life. That's something that he has struggled with most during the time of our friendship. Other than that, one of these days he will suffer the same fate as I had. No one is invincible thinking that they're not going to get hurt. He'll soon find out the truth about relationships one day, and as always, I will be there for him as he was there for me.

 

Oh yeah, I definitely agree. I've had many learning experiences all those times when I was rejected by other women. However, sometimes when I look back, I'm kind of glad that it happened because it makes me appreciate the future women that will come into my life. Hurting someone is one thing, which you shouldn't do, but being hurt yourself, is another story. I've experienced both.

And you're right, sometimes there is a benefit to getting rejected. I realized that even though I got turned down many times, I gave myself credit for trying. Thus, I gained more confidence when I approached the next girl. And once in a while, you get to a find a special female friend as well. Those types of friends are good to hang on to, especially when you need advice when talking to other girls.

 

Great metaphor with the concept of children. One thing I know about being a helper is that you can't help everyone; sometimes you need to help yourself first. You're probably ahead of me at this point, but it can be hard to say no because you want to please everyone. And in some cases you do burn out. Just remember that you can only do so much, and that the most important person that comes first is you.