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How to get a gf?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by OrangeJuice13, Jan 20, 2017.

  1. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    I'm almost 20 now and I have never had a gf. I had some thing a bit more than a friendship but not a relationship when i was 15-16 but that ended. I loved her and I used to blame her on my problems and anxiety but since learning about noFap a few months ago I realized that this is not because of her but because of my PMO addiction. I'm currently on the brink of reaching 14 days and I've been coming to this site almost every day. Without that I could not have made it this far. I haven't seen many posts about this topic (surprisingly), so I figured it might be worthwhile to not only myself but others in the same position to post this.
    So, I read something in another thread about the nature of addiction. That is, an addict is an addict because they are using their addiction to compensate for not having something else. For me, this is love. I crave it because I do not feel that I have it from my family or from my friends. Maybe a little from my friends, but that's not what I crave.
    Like I said, I have a bit of (social) anxiety and so I'm not too great at communication. I'm super comfortable with friends but I don't know what to do with people I don't know, and about things like asking someone out. In the past few years I've asked maybe 3 or 4 girls out and I basically got rejected by all of them. The last time I asked a girl out was 3 years ago.
    I can imagine a conversation in my head with people but when it comes to talking I can't do it. Especially if it's a girl, because I get shy about the whole theme of dating I guess. But if I'm talking to a girl on facebook for example I'm really comfortable with that as well and I'd have little trouble asking them out for a coffee or something.
    Plus, I don't really understand how anyone could be attracted to me. I'm not saying I'm bad looking but I just don't understand how it could happen. I'm fit, I'm fairly intelligent, I like to think I'm funny and I get a lot of laughs, and I've been told by a few people here and there that I'm good looking but I don't ever pick up on girls being interested in me.
    I don't go out often, so I don't meet many people. There aren't really many great people to meet in the city that I live either; there is no class here, most of the people you see out are obese, junkies, uneducated etc. Though, when University starts again in a month and a bit, I will have the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting people. So what do I do when that time comes, or if I meet a girl that I like?? Could sure use some help !
     
    Sailor93, D . J . and SoulOf1Lion like this.
  2. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I think that you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. Try not to focus on finding a girlfriend, but just meeting new people. You could start by going to the local coffee shot or cafe. When school starts you could take some classes if you aren't already and try to form study groups. That will help you to make friends and get to know people. Don't try to rush it. Just be genuine and honest and when it is meant to happen, it will happen. Be patient as well, you want to make sure that they are the right person for you. You are 20 years old, you are young and you have a lot of time. Stay focused on who you want to be and overcome this addiction. Just make sure not to become overconfident, those relapses can sneak up behind you and club you over the head. I hope this helps. Stay strong!
     

  3. You had me at the first sentence. I'm 20 and never had a relationship either. PM me for another accountability buddy.
     
    Smaky and OrangeJuice13 like this.
  4. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    I like your advice. It is very encouraging and I'm sure that this year is the year I turn everything around. Maybe I won't find a girl, but I know I will make a giant leap in becoming a more social person and I am sure that I will succeed in noFap this year, with the help of this site. I can go back to fitting into the world and being healthy, in every respect of the word.
     
    Sailor93 likes this.
  5. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Hey, sure thing. I'm not sure how to be an accountability partner, but I'd be happy to follow your journal. I have one as well. Getting pretty excited to make it past day 14, the longest I have been in so long! Here's a link to my journal http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/time-to-kick-ass-my-journal.86202
     
    DonDraper likes this.
  6. ILoathePorn

    ILoathePorn Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    That is an awesome attitude! Keep up the great work. Stay strong!
     
    OrangeJuice13 likes this.
  7. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Hey man I have been struggling with this for a long time too. Reccently the switch has flipped for me and I have gone from being shy and unconfident to confident and conversational. You need to get confidence in yourself. How I did this: did HC no pmo 90+ days and got in shape. I feel like I deserve somebody and I am going to actively pursue them. Be someone a girl wants to go out with obviously easier said than done but it works. If she is attracted to you she will probably want to go out and once you get to know each other she will be happy with you assuming the circumstances are right. Before asking her out get to know her and make them comfortable around you first and it will increase your chances. To ask them out I would say casually in conversation: "Hey (insertname) we should hangout sometime". Then get their number and call them to set something up. This is just my personal strategy. Im about to try it on a girl I have had a crush on for a long time ill let you know how it goes.
     
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  8. OrangeJuice13

    OrangeJuice13 Fapstronaut

    Good stuff, am certainly feeling this sort of mindset coming on! I have just reached 2 weeks and for the first time in probably ever, I am really genuinely proud of myself and happy. I am trying to be a better person and so far it has been going well for me. Can expect to stumble on the way but the way I see it now, nothing can stop me. I also like your strategy, it sounds like a tried and true method!
     
    D . J . and Mankrik like this.
  9. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you are on the right track, I have a feeling things are going to get a whole lot better for you :D this nofap stuff really works, best decision I ever made cant wait to see you continue to improve and make break throughs on your journey. Best of luck im here if you ever want to talk
     
    D . J . likes this.
  10. Smaky

    Smaky Fapstronaut

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    I'm in the exact same situation man, 20 years old and no relationship. I second what ILoathePorn said; just getting out and meeting people is the best place to start. I'm always at my most depressed when I've been sitting in my room all day wasting time; when I get out and do something with other people, even if it's mostly guys, I feel a lot better and have way more energy.

    Even if you need to do something by yourself, try just changing up the scenery a little bit. If you always do your work in your room, try going to a coffee shop or a library. You may not meet anyone, but it will at least it will get you out and about a little more. Good luck!
     
  11. Message me now bro, "I'm always at my most depressed when I've been sitting in my room all day wasting time." - Story of my life.
     
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  12. Grlt

    Grlt Fapstronaut

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    Hey I'm going to offer my input. I might be misinterpreting but it seems counterintuitive to me to hold back when you want to ask a girl out. Being 18 I only just barely started getting involved in dating so I'm no professional. But I've found that girls are drawn to guys who are self assured. What I mean is that they have no need for external validation through a gf. Being quiet about your interest comes across to me like it's a feeling of needing to prove something to a girl first and that you're concerned about what she thinks about you. I've had far more success with being to the point. For example, I flattered the hell out of a girl I never spoke to before by going up to her and being flirty before asking her out. Anything else comes across as a waste of time as you risk the potential of her leaving you high and dry.

    You can watch pickup tutorials (I recommend rsd) where they succeed by being honest about their attraction in such a way that doesn't come across as being attached. What they do completely goes against conventional advice as conventional advice with this stuff is typically flat out wrong
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2017
    OrangeJuice13 likes this.
  13. Hao_93

    Hao_93 New Fapstronaut

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    I think you have nothing to worry about, I was only ever in one relationship before I attended university and it was wasn't much of a relationship in all honesty. In regards to the craving love/attention I think you are probably better off working on yourself and making yourself happy as opposed to looking to a girlfriend/boyfriend to make you happy. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy? Sports? Gym? Perhaps consider putting effort into the hobbies you enjoy.

    As numerous people have said, you'll meet loads of people at university just make sure you sign up to as many societies as possible and I wish you the best of luck.
     
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  14. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Appreciate the advice. I want to come off as being myself and to the point, but I want to ease into asking her out once we get a feel for each other you know? I feel like I have better chances being cool and conversational first and then casually asking her out after a few successful encounters have set the mutual interest. Dont you think its better to be upfront but waiting to get to know each other a little before asking her out? Im 17 and this is my first time ever asking a girl out.
     
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  15. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    @ILoathePorn gave you the best advice you can get. If you are not comfortable in your own skin, if you don't know why I girl would be attracted to you, why do you think one would? Spend time developing yourself and your own self confidence before expecting someone else to be able to appreciate what you have to offer.
     
    Clerk373 and OrangeJuice13 like this.
  16. Grlt

    Grlt Fapstronaut

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    Yeah I see what you're saying. Another thing I was considering is that relationships work very differently in school. I've only really worked with relationships outside of school where being to the point works as you're not likely to see someone again if you don't establish a way to stay in touch. On the other hand in school, you're bound to see each other often.

    You sound like you know what you're doing but I'd like to offer this piece of advice. When you do talk to her, see it as being a sort of getting to know each other -- if she's the right person to be with and that sort of thing. On dates, ask her questions. It shows her that you're interested in her as a person and that you can handle a relationship well. I hope this helps!
     
    Mankrik likes this.
  17. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Why are you always depressed?
     
  18. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man I will definitely try to get to know her better and yeah your alternative approach is probably better for a scenario outside of school
     
    D . J . likes this.
  19. Smaky

    Smaky Fapstronaut

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    You may have misread that a bit--what I meant was that my worst depressions always come about when I'm sitting in my room wasting time. Thankfully, this isn't all the time.
     
    D . J . likes this.
  20. Rion008

    Rion008 Fapstronaut

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    1. Have a social/dating strategy that will allow u to meet women (and get numbers/dates)
    2. Cultivate ur sexual presence so that women will sexually be interested in u
     

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