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20 Month without PMO

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by fercho29, Jan 13, 2017.

  1. Hello Fapstronauts
    Today is my 20th. Month since I started my reboot. This quite a ride!!!
    For those who think that NoFap is just quitting watching porn and stop masturbating like a monkey, this is not quite true.
    I have gone through these months over a long ( and some times painful) journey of transformation. I can see myself now with new eyes, like if I took out a mask that was blinding me, and understand how fucked up I was.
    I was PMOing 3-5 times per day, some times one or two hours "sessions". I had no sensitivity left in my penis, could not feel anything, but kept doing it until it sore.
    I could barely concentrate in my work more than an hour without starting watching porn, or pictures of nude males ( I am bi and my porn addiction was with gay porn and male escorts). In order to focus again, I need to Mo, some times even in my office, hiding behind my desk, although anybody could enter all of a sudden and discover me.
    I neglected my wife, could not stand her talking next to me at night when we were in bed, because I just wanted her to fall asleep so I could do my last PMO session before going to bed. Several times I got up in the middle of the night and needed to do it once more.
    I hired more than 60 escorts and spent thousand of dollars on them. Most of the times they mistreated me, humiliated me, or simply lied, posting fake pictures or descriptions in their profiles. But I kept coming back, as if I wanted to be humiliated like that.
    The most shocking discovery during my recovery was to remember that my addiction ( and the first time I felt attracted to men) was after I was sexually molested in a school restroom by older students when I was 10. I could not believe that my brain hide this traumatic memories behind PMO, I was probably too ashamed to cope with the reality of the sexual abuse, and I used porn to mitigate that pain.
    Anyway, during these months I have tried to heal this scars and start a new life with the right foot. I have "confessed " to my wife about my addiction ( not bout the hook ups, it would have been too much for her). I have tried to amend our relationship. She is still hurt, she feels that I lied to her during 40 years. She is right, and I feel very bad about it. Some days she is sad , or with a low self-esteem, and we fight. But after 10' I realized that this is an effect of my wrongdoings, so I need to suck it up and have patience, I know that sooner or later we will have again a great relationship because we love each other.
    I have come back to this site almost every day during the last 20 month ( this is like 600 times, lol). Staying in touch, and helping fellow Fapstronauts has been one of the cornerstone for my reboot. Joining the NoFap Academy video calls every Wednesday is another one. Some times I do not even participate, just listen to a few of Mark or @alexander comments while I am working, but it helps me stay grounded and never become complacent with the addiction. I am an "rehabilitated PMO addict", I cannot say "I am cured" because I have seen so many guys who relapsed after 2-3 years and coming back here to admit that they should have never left this site completely.
    Some days I feel great, super happy and ambitious. Some other I feel a bit sad and depressed, or too stressed, and the urges come back and try to push me back to MO ( porn is not a temptation any longer ). As Mark Queppet explained to me : " we are humans, we will always have temptations and urges. The difference now is that I can stop and think about what type of person I want to be, and avoid doing things that are against that ideal person. I can say no to things that will send me back to my old, shitty life"
    I have shared this several times but want to repeat it for those who never read it. My best tool to stop myself of relapsing , every time I have an urge, is to ask myself : if I act now, where this will lead me? And how it will leave me?"
    This has been my mantra, and the questions that have saved me so many times. Just to think about how depressed and lost I was feeling 20 months ago, how low was my self-esteem, how ashamed and guilty I felt, it is enough to know that MO is not the solution to my problems. Relapsing now is not an option for me any longer.
    I prefer to continue my healing process, knowing that every day that I stay clean is a battle that I won. Recognizing that there will be more battles in this war, probably until my last day in this earth.
    Dear Fapstronauts: this is not easy, it is hard and painful. Our brain has been jacked up by a powerful addiction and it requires a lot of strength and courage to defeat it. But it is totally worth the pain. We can live a better, happier life, there is " a much better world on the other side of the barricade" ( ok, I took this from Les Miserables, lol).
    Keep on fighting
    Fercho
     
  2. Pmokillslife

    Pmokillslife Fapstronaut

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    Keep going back daily to nofap as you said. Have patience.

    Respect for what you've accomplished.
     
    Aiyoshi, Maddey, Buddhabro and 2 others like this.
  3. K.C_Cage

    K.C_Cage Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations man. I have ultimate respect for you getting this far after all the bad things you've done in your life. You are an inspiration.
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  4. Thank you very much for your kind words @K.C_Cage . It means a lot for me to stay connected to this amazing group of people
     
    LimitlessTman likes this.
  5. Thank you @Pmokillslife , I like your nickname, very thoughtful
     
  6. Thanks for sharing this. Currently i cant see the end of the tunnel but your mantra does help. If you fall back then its just all this misery again!

    I can also relate to the long sessions.. sometimes up to 8 hrs here which rly burned every cell in my brain it seems.
    an
     
    Keys likes this.
  7. Congratulations on the 20 months @fercho29.. You are an inspiration

    I use this quote a lot, it really helps!

    I completely agree with this.

    Appreciate your well deserved victory.

    Keep changing!
    LS
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  8. Thank you for your comments @LSTHX , I am glad that this quote helps you. Some times a few words have an unbelievable inspirational power , right?
    Fercho
     
  9. Absolutely. I find keeping things short while you're having an urge really helps. It really is the power behind the words -- not the amount of words-- that can enforce change.

    No worries mate, well deserved! Also, I like that quote so much I will be writing it in my real-life journal.

    Keep up the great work!
    LS
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  10. That is great @LSTHX . I have some quotes and inspirational notes saved in my cell phone so I have them handy if I get an urge, I call them my "Emergency Toolbox"
     
  11. B1257

    B1257 Fapstronaut

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    Wow!! Good on you to have the courage to write this. Keep on fighting. You're an inspiration to me brother!
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  12. Thank you so much for your encouragement @B1257 !!!
     
  13. I watched an old movie called "Unfaithful" in TV tonight with my wife.
    It is about a woman that is happily married but met a younger guy and starts a passionate love affair with him.
    Every time she leaves the lover's house she feels ashamed and dirty, but cannot stop coming back once and again. The lust blinds her and cannot stop, even having a young kid.
    I felt very ashamed because this is what I did to my wife. I hooked up with many guys and escorts, lied to her and hide all that shit to her.
    Every time I came back home I felt so dirty that I showered twice, trying to get rid of what I did.
    I came back to my bed ( the same where I watched the movie tonight, and tried to pretend nothing happened.
    The fog of PMO blinded me so bad that I could not grasp the evil I had became. My wife loves me and I cheated on her once and again, although I felt ashamed I could not stop.
    Now that the veil of PMO does not cover my eyes I can see the dimension of what I did, the beast I had became, an animal that just wanted to satisfy his primal instincts not caring if he could have destroyed many lives ( my wife and kids lives) . It was all about my instant gratification. I was an insensitive , careless prick.
    I am so ashamed now!
    I thank God that he helped me get rid of this addiction, this shit I carried with me for so many years.
    Guys, it is hard to fight the addiction, but it is worth it.
    Once you get rid of the fog inside the brain, you will be able to see how bad it is, how many people we can be hurting.
    Fortunately my wife never discovered the shit I did ( although a couple of times she suspected it). I told her about my 40 years of PMO addiction and she was already hurt, because I hide it from her.
    She would have been devastated knowing that I was unfaithful so many times ( more than 100).
    I could have destroyed my life and the ones of the people I love the most.
    Jacking off like a monkey is not worth such a big risk
    Keep on fighting
    Fercho
     
    George Powers likes this.
  14. I am having tough days lately.
    My wife entered her menopause a couple of months ago, so she does not feel like having sex at all.
    This is an big problem, because of course I cannot MO, and after almost 3 months of not having sex my testicles are aching and I am having too many erotic dreams, because of lack of "release".
    It is ironic: I neglected her too many years because I was addicted to PMO ( and had no sex drive to have sex with her too often).
    Now that I quit PMO and I have more libido, she does not have any desires.
    Life some times has ridiculous twists, right?
    I take this as one more challenge to my life and my reboot. What it does not break us makes us stronger, we say in Spanish.
    I am back to taking warm immersion bath to alleviate the blue ball.
    And using deep breath and meditation every time I get up in the middle of the night with a boner because of some erotic dream. I cannot fap, not even once to get down my excitement and tension. I am a rehabilitated PMO addict and do not have that luxury.
    Keep on fighting
    Fercho
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2017
    Prov2611 likes this.
  15. acceptance&surrender

    acceptance&surrender Fapstronaut

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    fercho,

    Thank you for posting this. I feel like one of those people today, who have built up nearly 2 years and leave the website.

    I had a very close call last night with temptations. It is amazing how potently the guilt can come right back, even after just "juicing." I cannot live with that immense burden any longer, and like you said, so cannot afford to release excitement/tension.

    Your post has helped me remember that I am still in this fight, no matter how much better my life has gotten. Trying to stay grateful.
     
    Prov2611 and fercho29 like this.
  16. CIgnaz

    CIgnaz Fapstronaut

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    thanks for your report, i hope i'll get that far as well. Keep going mate!
     
    fercho29 likes this.
  17. Welcome back to NoFap @acceptance&surrender . Unfortunately we learn the hard way. We become complacent and think that the addiction is over.
    We are "rehabilitated porn addict". We feel better, but "the Gremlin" is still inside. Sleeping, but waiting for us to get distracted. We never should forget that. Some days may feel like a karma, but it is what it is. We can enjoy now how much better is life with no PMO, even if some times it sucks, like now for me.
    BTW, we had sex with my wife yesterday l it felt like heaven
     
  18. Thank you so much @CIgnaz formuiur support
     
  19. Just and update:
    The good news is that when I got back from work yesterday my wife told me : "I am ready now" and we had the most wonderful sex in years. I felt it like if it were the first time. I enjoyed every minute and appreciated how awesome is having sex with a real person who loves and cares for me, instead of my sweaty right hand.
    I can feel and concentrate on her much more now that I am not "under the PMO influence" any more. In the last I used to think about porn or escorts while I was with her in bed. Some times faked an orgasm just to finish and run to the bathroom to fap. How stupid and fucked up is that?
    I can realize now how the addiction hickjacked my brain and my mind. What a waste of time and energy. Having sex with a real person is much more meaningful and better! How can we not understand this and keep coming back to PMO?
    Thank you all for your support!
    Fercho
     
    Prov2611 and Buddhabro like this.
  20. sirfapstinence

    sirfapstinence Fapstronaut

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    Much respect @fercho29 ! A truly inspiring account and I am so glad to see you've reclaimed so much through your journey. I completely agree with you when you say that this is something we will struggle and fight with throughout our lives. We are always 'addicts in recovery'. The moment we think we've 'recovered' we leave ourselves vulnerable to falling back into the vicious cycle no matter how long we've been clean. Hope you continue to go strong for years to come.
     
    fercho29 likes this.

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