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I'm afraid of sex and relationships and I need help.

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by MinaClavero, Dec 28, 2016.

  1. MinaClavero

    MinaClavero Fapstronaut

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    Hey there everyone. I want to ask you for some help and advice.

    I'm 17 year old girl recovering from PM and PSUB. Almost nobody knows this. The people I know see me as a successful, extrovert, and beautiful girl (that is what they tell me) but I have a secret inside besides my addiction. I have a terrible problem: I have a huge fear for sex and relationships.
    I'll tell you a little more: I have no problem when it comes to talking to guys, or being friendly, but when they do any romantic interaction or insinuate I just panic. Honestly. I know it's shameful. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach, I just get desperate and wish to die. I'm not exaggerating.
    I've never had a boyfriend. Well, I did when I was 13, but I broke up with him when we turned one week because I wasn't comfortable with him, and I didn't feel attracted to him in any way. I'm not sure of why I got myself in a relationship with him... maybe I just wanted to have a boyfriend. He was my first kiss.
    I can't remember kissing someone without feeling 1) guilty or 2) ashamed.
    I don't know why do I have this fear, but to me it seems HUGE. I'm afraid of being in love and losing myself completely. I'm afraid of being so in love that I cannot notice that my boyfriend is abusing or mistreating me. I'm afraid of stopping doing the things I love only because I'm so in love I can't think about anything else. I'm afraid of the commitment, though I'm comfortable with the idea consciously; unconsciously it makes me really afraid.
    And I'm also afraid of replacing all my hobbies for a new relationship.

    I've thought about some facts that maybe contribute to my fear:
    1) My father passed away when I was 10.
    2) My father used to abuse and mistreat my mother and I don't know why she never managed to walk away from him
    3) I feel really weak when I'm in love or with somebody, and I don't like to feel that way because I feel exposed and I'm afraid that person may hurt me
    4) Nobody ever loved me in return and when it happened it was an impossible love.
    5) I'm a virgin.

    Those facts are just things I think may have some relation with everything I explained but I'm not 100% sure, I just added them so maybe you guys could help me out. Please don't judge me. I need some insight from you.
     
    I Free I likes this.
  2. Kennen

    Kennen Fapstronaut

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    It's normal to be afraid.. You're still young.
     
    MinaClavero likes this.
  3. Push through the fear and start gaining life experience. If you let fear win you will never get anywhere...

    A girl asking for advice on here usually guarantees multiple pages of posts so hopefully it'll help.
     
    MinaClavero likes this.
  4. HipPete

    HipPete Fapstronaut

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    Hey there stranger it's alright. Take it easy and learn to love yourself and I can guarantee you'll find someone who loves you for you. The PM/PSUBs and past might have cloud your mind to only see the negative aspects of being in love and a relationship. Look for the signs and trust your gut feelings. Learn to get in-touch with your deepest feelings no matter if it is joyful or sad. Learn to cope with those feelings; accept and grow from it. There will be ups and downs but it's totally normal and part of being human. Take a step back and refrain from chasing love, sex and just have fun. You're young and have many years ahead of you. It's a process where you have to work on yourself to find some closure for those traumatic moments. I commend you for sharing your personal struggles. When it feels right you'll know it's time.
     
    MinaClavero and NoBrainer like this.
  5. Green_Tea

    Green_Tea Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure many people can relate to these feelings. Don't be afraid to set boundaries if you are afraid of being hurt. Wish you the best!
     
    MinaClavero likes this.
  6. I Free I

    I Free I Guest

  7. Noelle

    Noelle Fapstronaut

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    Firstly, never feel pressure to do anything you're uncomfortable doing. Anyone that gives you an ultimatum as far as sex or relationships or even your career is most likely over-stepping their boundary.

    Secondly, you're joining a site that is perhaps the most supportive in the entire world wide web. Have an open mind. But also use discretion when reading the advice here. A majority of the guys posting on NoFap mean well. But everyone has their own unique backstory as well as their own personal way of dealing with the stresses of life.

    That said, welcome aboard, @MinaClavero ! If this site is half as helpful to you as it was to me you'll improve leaps and bounds in your overall quality of life in no time! :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2016
    Bigballs likes this.
  8. Darkstar 22.84

    Darkstar 22.84 Fapstronaut

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    @MinaClavero

    Hello Mina.

    You sound like that little girl from Dracula and I'm Romanian. Muhahaha...
    Okay, now that the creepy introductions moment's over, time to get to the real facts

    First of all, you don't have to change ANYTHING about you.
    Whoever will love you, will love you for who you are.
    That is a given.

    Also, hobbies will bring people of the same mind together, not set them apart.
    It's true that sometimes opposites attract, but too much of an opposite and there will be friction.
    Friction = Disaster.

    You don't want to argue at the dinner table over who gets to hold the fork or which way should the spoon be.
    Again, look for agreement over the little matters.
    If you achieve this early on, in life, you are set.
    For ... life.


    That sucks.
    Not your fault.


    That sucks even more.
    Again, not your fault.


    Mina, let me say something that took me decades to comprehend:

    You are not your Father.
    You are not your Mother.

    You are You!

    With good sides & bad sides. With ups & downs. A totally different human.
    You are NOT the sum of your parents mistakes/ qualities / defects.

    You inherited some of their traits, genetically.
    That's true.

    But you alone chose how you live your life.
    The sooner you understand this, the easier it will be for you.

    Man, I wish somebody told me this when I was your age...


    You're still young.
    Love takes time to mature.
    So do people.
    You'll get there. Relax.
    It will happen when you least expect it.
    And it's not menacing. If it causes you pain, then it's not love.
    Love doesn't demand, it offers.
    Love doesn't take, it receives.

    Remember this always.



    Hey, don't worry. Let me quote you something:

    No one ever died a virgin, Life fucks us all!

    In other words, that's really not a defect.
    I was a virgin until I was 21.

    In my homeland, men were suppose to be stallions, raging bulls.
    Something to do with the Balkans, it's how they think around here.
    And I was ashamed too. Until I took the bull by the horns and lost my virginity.
    I decided when & where & with whom & how.

    I took the initiative. And the sex was good.
    But guess what?

    I was the same afterwards.
    I was just as confused, sad, lonely & depressed young man.

    Sex will not change you.

    You can change yourself, if you want to.
    I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

    You just suffer from a very human sentiment:

    FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.

    I recommend you enjoy life to the fullest, take the time to fall in love with a decent guy and open up to him.
    Love is about communication & trust.
    If you can't trust the other person, who can you trust?

    So, I hope this helps.
    Have a good evening
     
  9. Everything999

    Everything999 Fapstronaut

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    I would say that now it is not a problem. First focus on your nofap journey. After that find a boy you like (who isn't primarily sex focused) and start up slowly. Do dates, invite him over, go to things until you guys are comfortable and completely trust and tell each other everything. Then just honestly tell him that you are a virgin and you would like to take it slow. Start with some kissing a few times, cuddling the next few times, lie on bed or hold each other a few times and build from there till you are totally comfortable and trust him. If not at any stage, back up a level and start again from there. Then after a while you know when you will be ready. If you truly like someone and totally trust that person your body will eventually tell you it is ready. Of that I have little doubt.

    See it as a journey. Step by step.
     
  10. Hi MinaClavero

    Young into weird at all. You are basically a shy young girl and have some intimacy hang ups in part due to things you witnessed in childhood.

    I think you can only really deal with this at your own pace but you have to learn to accept that at some stage you will have to allow for vulnerability. It's difficult and people do sometimes let you down but if you don't turn you live in fear of falling in love.

    Embrace what's in front of you. Lots if time. Enjoy your friends and you'll mean someone when you meet.

    17 is still young and no shame being a virgin.

    I hate these cheesy expressions but 'feel the fear and do it anyway' applies to you.

    If the childhood memories are traumatic you may want to seek out a professional to talk to.

    But it's all good and nothing wrong with what you said there.
     

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