Addiction Disclosure

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Meshuga, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. Dendrite

    Dendrite Fapstronaut

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    @ChangeMattersToMe etc, maybe we should agree to disagree here. I've got nothing more to add, and I see that I have almost no chance of convincing anyone that our relationship - however "unconventional" it may appear to you all - is in very good nick indeed. The culture of my wife and I needs no justification. Nor do I really want to get into a debate about how relationships "should" work, though I will leave this here: if the "conventional" style of relationship is so wonderful, then isn't it surprising how all of these relationship-focused books, shows, therapies, retreats, and so on happen to coincide with a fragility of relationships that would have shocked my grandparents' generation?

    You have only my opinion of it, and if you take it as being a reliable reflection of reality, there is a data point to consider. If you don't, then there isn't, and I am in denial. But in either event, there is little to be said. Perhaps, if I reach my first year clean and married, what I say would be more believable. I wish you all wellness and strength for now :).
     
    tiberiansun likes this.
  2. jean grey

    jean grey Fapstronaut

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    I've followed this thread as an SO and I have a different pov, because I wasn't told. My partner has had an addiction for 30+ years and tried to stop on his own over and over again. He lived with shame and self-hatred all the time we were together, 20+ years. I blamed stress, myself & maybe it's just him for the disconnection, pied, and all of the other symptoms of this addiction. So, even if you tell just to let her/him know it's not their fault, I have a problem, etc, that to me justifies telling them. Add into the equation the support & love we can give. Bringing the addiction into the cold, bright light of truth also helps relapsing, acting out, etc.

    Here's my awesome, super fun truth (read with heavy sarcasm), I found the stash. I had to look at the crap, I had to do the confronting, I had to feel my world falling apart and I still see the images in my head. If he had told me years ago would I have been upset, yes, absolutely. BUT, we could have worked on this together before it escalated into the hot mess it became. The depths that addicts fall are different, but, when the addiction is not dealt with every addict falls into a dark, ugly place. It might have started with a vanilla image, but it ended in a functional (barely) meth/fentanyl like addiction that could have ended everything.

    If you don't want to tell until you have a year or 90 days clean or even never that's your choice. I know it's hard to admit to this. But it is way harder to find it. So, if you can't or won't tell. I would suggest the following.
    1. Stop lying, right now, today. All of the little ones you think are protecting her from your secret life, stop them they are making your SO go crazy, without being able to figure out wtf is going on.
    2.Connect with yourself & your SO. Touch them, make them feel special, a meaningful hug or kiss, whatever works for you both. Deal with emotions in ways that are not acting out, not using pmo
    3. Get help, here & real life. You can not do this alone. You need accountability. Like my name is Bob and I am a porn addict (sorry if there are any Bob's here, just using your name, not pointing you out). A therapist, a 12 step program, whatever. Hiding this from everyone will not help.
    4. Finally....Get Rid Of Your Stash! OMG, burn it, smash it, run over it with your car. If you are not going to tell your SO, you do not want her to be me. This I can guarantee. You don't want to come home to find your partner confronting you about your horrible secret. All of the worries you have about telling her will be magnified 10fold.

    I know that Sos are not all the same. We have different levels of understanding & judgment, but one thing we have in common is our absolute loathing of lies. Lying guts us to the core. I am not judging anyone's relationship, country of origin, etc. We are all different but just as the pmo addict has very recognizable traits (I know this now!) so do the SO's. Most of us here are pretty darn amazing & most of us are sticking with our SO if they do the work & commit to healing. Is it easy, hell no. It's hard for us too. We can't fix you, change you or make you stop. We can love you & support you if you stop lying, start working & commit to yourselves & a life free of this shit, shame & secrecy.

    I am still here. Have there been relapses, yes. Is my life getting better, yes. Today is day 82. I wish that 10 years ago could have been day 82. I would have been there for him then too, but he thought he could beat this on his own.

    I'll leave you with this, seems about right to me

    Oh what a tangled web we weave,
    When first we practise to deceive!
    Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.
    Scottish author & novelist (1771 - 1832
     
  3. somatochrome

    somatochrome Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing this. I just broke the news to my wife last night. She too was aware that I had problems but thought it was because I felt her to be inadequate. After telling her, she seemed more relieved than shocked and wanted to support me in the reboot. I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off my chest and I definitely feel much closer to her than I did in the last 3 years. The stress of having to keep everything under wraps seems to have gone away. Let's see how this goes.
     
  4. It feels good to come clean. Also, great that your wife is being supportive. She may (or may not) go through difficult feelings --- she may need support too.

    My husband has said many times that he feels so much bester not to be lying and covering up a secret life. It's a lifted burden. Good luck to you both!
     
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