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Having a hard time trusting him when he says he's not watching

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by UnwantedCaliGirl, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. UnwantedCaliGirl

    UnwantedCaliGirl Fapstronaut

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    Bare with me...I'm dealing with some trust issues here, as I've been through this before.

    Porn has been an issue for over a year now. Last year in September we almost broke up over it, he said he'd quit for us. He'd come out of the bathroom a couple days into it and I asked if he just watched porn and he said no, promised, swore on our relationship, etc.

    I said fine, show me your phone and he then admitted he did in fact watch porn.

    February we broke up over it for a week and a half. He started testosterone shots to try and improve our sex life. I believe this just fueled his addiction.

    In August I found that he was still watching, more than ever, and even watching on his way home from work in order to be able to be intimate with me. I was beyond devastated :(

    He saw how much this hurt me and suggested he stop the shots and that I put a porn block on his phone. That then fueled him into looking up the sexiest stuff he could find related to porn stars without nudity (the app wouldn't allow it). He literally was spending HOURS a day on Google.

    It also led him to go through his email to find nude pictures of an ex from 4 years ago to use and I found out. Same ex he texts here and there and deletes as to "not hurt my feelings" (not gonna lie, I've snooped and they never talked about anything innapropriate. She left him over this same issue and is very happy in her current relationship and her and I became friends, it's the fact that he knows it bothered me when they texted so he did it anyways and deleted the stream of texts) At any rate, this girl has always caused me to be a little anxious so finding out that he was using old pictures of her was heartbreaking for me. I left and stayed the night at my brothers because I couldn't even look at him.

    That was almost two weeks ago and he swears since then he hasn't looked at ANYTHING. He could see how serious I was.

    The reason I put this thread here in Rebooting is because, the first week he wanted head every single morning. Then he had time alone and he went a couple of days without wanting anything from me. On the third day we attempted sex and nothing. I gave him head but he ultimately had to finish himself off.

    Two days later and he still doesn't want anything from me. He was home alone yesterday but swears he didn't look at anything. Wanted to, but didn't.

    Is this normal, or am I crazy to be paranoid due to past lies regarding this issue? He knows our relationship is at stake here but I told him I will be supportive if he's trying and slips up but is *honest* with me. If I find that he's watching and lying, I will walk away. I don't do lying in a relationship and I've caught him in little lies to many times to continue this relationship.

    Is it normal when quitting porn to not have a sex drive after a week, and even when he does get horny he just wants head or a hand job vs actual sex?

    We got into it this morning before he left for work because I'm being paranoid. I guess I just wanted a big hug and him to comfort and reassure me and say he understands why I'm being paranoid because of him lying in the past but that I truly have nothing to worry about. Instead, he got all butt hurt and snapped on me and left.

    I think he's smart enough to delete his safari history now. I looked yesterday and there isn't anything, however, that night I stayed at my brothers I took the porn block off and he admitted he watched that night and the next morning and even those days on his history show no porn.

    I should note we will be starting counseling on Saturday regarding this issue.
     
  2. Mywifesbabydaddy

    Mywifesbabydaddy Fapstronaut

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    From reading your post I'm assuming you're not married, but you're definitely being as supportive as any SO could be. It seems like he's trying to hold on by any possible thread to porn. It's got a very strong hold on him right now, and you're doing what you can and more (giving him head when he asks), I only wish lol. Your trust issues are definitely warranted , but it seems like leaving doesn't help, especially when the porn blockers are removed.

    "Idon't do lying in a relationship and I've caught him in little lies to many times to continue this relationship. "
    It seems like lying is his way to try to save the relationship, are you willing to accept the fact he still talks to his ex ? Respect and trust are two major factors in relationships. If I told my wife of mY problem, which isn't as severe, I could only wish for the type of support you are giving him. Stay strong and remember to put yourself first sometimes. I wish I could tell you what to do, but the guidelines for this forum won't allow it. Wishing you the best!
     
  3. Allnightlong

    Allnightlong Fapstronaut

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    Haha, she opened another thread with the exact same content, and I also had to spend a few words on that part :D
     
    UnwantedCaliGirl likes this.
  4. UnwantedCaliGirl

    UnwantedCaliGirl Fapstronaut

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    Him texting his ex was far and few between. I'd look at his phone and the last text for six months was on there, then all of the sudden the entire stream was gone so I knew he deleted his latest convo. This last time was just about the vineyard he works picking grapes that were being delivered to the winery she works at. Why he deleted it, I have no idea. I made him block her number and delete her from Facebook tho after discovering he had pictures of her.

    But he also lied a few weeks ago. We got into it about that porn blocking app so while at work I disabled it. During the three hours it was off he saved a ton of naked porn star pictures and emailed them to himself. I asked him directly if he did this and he said no. So I said show me your email then and he admitted they were on there. Lots of lies related to porn with this guy.

    What kind of advice would this forum prohibit?? I'm pretty desperate at this point.
     
  5. UnwantedCaliGirl

    UnwantedCaliGirl Fapstronaut

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    Haha! I'm trying my hardest to keep him from wanting to look at porn. Since he isn't into sex right now it's really all I can do. I figured that's what most people do to try and help out.

     
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    It's hard to trust an addict. In order to maintain our addiction we have to surround ourselves with lies and deceitful behavior. We do it for so long that it becomes an automatic, natural part of our behavior. That behavior doesn't change overnight... not should you trust someone who claims they have made the necessary changes. A 'please-take-my-word-for-it' request is not enough. Taking the block off for a day and he instantly relapses shows ZERO progress.

    There is a small nugget of truth that an addict's sex drive can plunge during a reboot. It's called a flatline. But more often than not, it's a excuse because he's taking care of himself. An addict cannot keep his reboot secret while in a relationship. I've used the 'I'm-working-on-it-on-my-own' excuse to hide the fact that I wasn't really doing much to fix myself. An addict needs to communicate what he's doing and feeling to their SO. An addict needs to be transparent with their thoughts and actions. If you were to ask what he's been doing to get clean and he's vague then there is NO plan. He's half-assing it. He's trying to do the minimum... expecting it work... failing miserably... and can't understand why.

    It's natural to be paranoid and untrusting when in a relationship with an addict. To trust is to risk getting hurt. Until he has proven that he won't hurt you anymore then you have every right to protect yourself. Trust your gut. You don't need to police him or snoop through his things. It is HIS job to make you feel safe. It is HIS job to show that he is trustworthy. It is HIS job to show you that he has changed. Actions speak louder than words. And it may take many weeks or months to reestablish that trust. Changes have to happen within HIM before it will shine through. Don't fault yourself for not being more trusting. You are not obligated to give him trust.
     
  7. Mywifesbabydaddy

    Mywifesbabydaddy Fapstronaut

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    The guideline says not to neccesarily offer results advice, but to offer support. I personally think he's extremely childish and selfish, but that's just me. It's not hard to lie, it's harder to be honest. And as far as internet history and deleting posts and convos, anyone can figure that out. The thing is , you already know of his problem but he's making YOU work it out for him. You shouldn't have to check his history , you shouldn't have to look through emails, pics, facebook etc, HE needs to want it himself, otherwise the lies won't stop, and you'll find yourself being more of a P.I. then a gf. It seems like a cat and mouse game, he tries to hide things, and you have to find them.

    I came here because I want to fix myself, I want to be a better husband to my wife, I want to see what I can potentially do in life without pmo, not because I want her to fix me. You're there for support and encouragement, not to be a mom. I think too many women put it on themselves and blame themselves , when it's the man who has the problem and doesn't want to admit it or REALLY put the effort in. For me, I would be totally embarrassed and ashamed of my wife knew, and on top of that ask her for head every morning as if I deserve it? That's as selfish as it can get, and imo , he wasn't asking you for head to "help" him, he just wanted to get his rocks off, too much risk for a chaser affect for anyone who is truly wanting to quit.
    Hope I'm not being too honest here, but there are many good women on here I'm coming across and they all seem to want to help their SO significantly, and none of them deserve to be treated the way they are. Addiction is horrible and will make people do horrible things, hopefully he wakes up.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  8. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    First off, I'm hoping you have been reading and watching the informational stuff provided on this site. Especially stuff like, "your brain on porn". A PMO addict has damaged their prefrontal cortex where all 'higher' thinking and decision making takes place. They have taught their brain to subsist on instant gratification and have basically lost their humanity and all empathy for other human beings, including a significant other. They lie to protect their mistress and true love - porn.

    From what you've written so far, it doesn't look like he's ready or willing to give up this mistress. It's nice that he's agreed to go to counseling. My husband went with me to three different counsellors over the years and yet wasn't ready to give it up so he just lied more and kept right on doing it.

    If he isn't ready to give it up, the sad fact is that he's just not going to. Policing him will make you angry and resentful and will also make him angry and resentful. My advice to you, as someone who has lived it .....is to just knock it off. He will just find more sneaky ways to do what he truly wants to do. I used to get so angry and feel so hurt and so feel so deeply betrayed (by this man who vowed to love me forever and put me first) that my blood pressure would shoot up and I'd come really close to blacking out. I had to stop for my own good. Plus, it didn't even stop him from doing it. He has to WANT TO STOP. ALL ON HIS OWN. HE HAS TO BE COMMITTED.

    You aren't being overly paranoid. Because you're correct. Just assume he's still doing it and lying about it. He's proving to you time and again that he is flat out a liar. He has to change who he has become on a fundamental level. Because anyone that claims to love you and yet consistently lies to your face....is that really love??? Is that what you are worth? Is that the relationship you deserve? How little are you willing to settle for? It's time to start asking yourself some hard questions.

    You said you just want him to hug and comfort you and reassure you that things are going to be better. He's not in a position to do this with any honesty. He will fight tooth and nail to keep the thing that is his number one priority in his life - his addiction. Just like a drug addict, he will come up with every justification for why he needs it. Why he deserves to keep it. Why he can't live without it. He currently loves it more than he loves you. Until THOSE FACTS change, nothing else is going to change either.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2016
  9. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    I don't have much to add, other than you are a prime example of how porn addiction has nothing to do with the SO's availability or anything.

    Pretty much anything @i_wanna_get_better1 says is gold, and this is no exception. Others have said the same. You are not crazy or paranoid or a bad partner for not trusting him. He doesn't have a great track record.
     
  10. UnwantedCaliGirl

    UnwantedCaliGirl Fapstronaut

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    I appreciate the harsh truth. It's making me crazy. And depressed. I just keep holding onto hope that he really has stopped, when I know deep down that's more than likely not the reality. Aside from porn and the bad that comes with it, he's a really great man and I can honestly say I've never loved a man as much as I love him. Which is why this is so hard for me. I have been divorced before, due to him cheating on me. The only way I found out that my ex husband cheated was by "policing" him.

    I'm gonna see what happens at counseling on Saturday. I don't like my kids (not his) seeing me so distracted and sad all the time.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  11. You're definitely not paranoid or wrong in your feelings. Your boyfriend has destroyed the bond of trust and I think counseling is the perfect opportunity for you to see whether or not this bond can be repaired. A part of me feels you should separate from him and guage his progress based on his commitment/participation in this counseling, if that makes sense?

    Also he needs to understand that if he does not take this counseling seriously, then there will be no more relationship going forward. He must know that you will NOT be leaving and then coming back like you've done in the past. In the end he has to show that you come first and if that's not happening then you must leave for good. Not only for your sake or for his, but most importantly for your kids who look up to you for guidance.
     
  12. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    It's been said above but I will just affirm it too. It doesn't sound like he is at a point that he really wants to or is ready to give it up. I know for many many years when I first started recovery I wasn't "all in" on it. Part of me genuinely wanted to quit and felt horrible for the damage I caused to my wife and marriage as a result of my PMO. However, there was still a part of me what wasn't completely willing to let it go either. I enjoyed it. I liked self-soothing and using PMO as a coping mechanism. I had used that for 30+ years in my life and it was what I did and what I knew. As a result? I would get caught, move in to scared straight mode for awhile but always leave the door cracked open enough to run to it when I was feeling down or bad, or whatever the negative feeling might be.

    The other thing I wanted to mention is that he can't be doing this just for you either or because you are pushing for him to get in recovery. I also fell into that trap for many many years. I would get caught by my wife and double down on recovery based on my SO's outrage, anger, pain and urgings. I even told myself, I'm going to beat this thing for her sake. The problem is that it just wouldn't last. It wasn't a sustainable motivator for me. It was like stepping in a bees nest, getting stung and running away from it as fast as I could. However, after some running and the heat died down and I felt like the threat of getting stung wasn't there, I'd slow to a walk and eventually forget about the bees.

    I learned then that I needed another motivator. One that was internal. I had to want to give up PMO for me. I had to be all in. I had to give up leaving the door cracked and commit to a new way of dealing with difficult emotions instead of self soothing and running to coping mechanisms like PMO. For me it took getting to a rock bottom point for me to have that change in motivation come. I had to realize that this little hobby I had? Instead had me!

    I hate to say this to you @UnwantedCaliGirl but from what I'm reading from you it just doesn't seem like he's at that place yet. And until he gets to that point, I would say his chances of a recovery are pretty slim. That being said, counseling is a big step in the right direction so perhaps that will bear fruit. In the meantime, while I'm sure you would love to sting him right now, you can't be that bees nest for him. Like @WifeInTheDark said, it will only anger and hurt you and not accomplish what it is you'd like to see happen. He'll only run far enough to feel like the immediate threat has died down.
     
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