Made It 2 Years, 3 Months, Then Old Habits. Now, I'm Back...

Hey guys,

Last time I did this started in Oct. 2013. It was a very different time of life and I probably stopped for different reasons at that time (I had no ED, never got into any real hardcore P, but had spent most of my life escaping and not forming real relationships...I was still a virgin at 32...and in the midst of a depression which passed). I became very involved over on the Reddit site and didn't define any clear goals except for an experiment to see how 90 days would go. After that I just kept going. About 10 months into it I lost my virginity & entered into my first physical relationship (which was not the point of undertaking NoFap, and I think one of the reasons that I was able to have such a successful long-term NF streak), which eventually ended but afterwards was able to meet and date and occasionally hookup --- which again, was not at all the reason for continuing on NF, and I only mention in order to establish where I was at and how life had changed. I had been through a lot of high and low points in the over-2-years the streak lasted. I got much better at guitar and began to think much more about making a real living and the long-term future. I'd started eating healthier and going back to the gym and having closer friendships with fellow-musicians and my life was more communal in general. I kept my house clean and regularly cleaned once a week, because I always wanted anyone to be able to come over at anytime, whether that was a friend or a student or a girl. In other words, it was never focused on sex. Since the loss of my virginity, sexuality had simply become part of my life rather than the all-consuming center of it.

For a number of reasons (and not to ascribe blame, but towards the end, some of the less conscientious asshole types on the Reddit had begun making snide comments about not getting laid and suggesting I should just quit --- I was active on that Reddit from the time before there were even 75,000 users up until it surpassed I think 200,000, and saw the community change significantly in both positive movements forward --- and unfortunately, trolls who became more persistent, trying to ruin the party), I eventually started masturbating again just before going home for the holidays last Christmas.

At first it was much less frequent and strange to be exploring myself once more --- after so much had changed and I had grown so much, it didn't even seem like a cop-out or that I was letting myself or anyone else down --- but it did seem a bit strange and I wasn't even sure how to please myself anymore....

Bit by bit the frequency increased until it once more had become a nightly occurrence in bed, and the audio erotica/porn returned.

The whole thing was gradual and I cannot even say devastating in that I didn't really lose the growth I had achieved --- just slowly, I felt myself not advancing even further forward....

In February after another couple week stretch of NF (without checking in here or posting on the Reddit), I had a close-call that scared the crap out of me and was the last time I hooked-up. It was the middle of night and it was stupid but I was horny and maybe because I had started masturbating again, my mind had become less focused on being smart about stuff. I messaged a girl I'd hooked up with (but not had sex with) over a year before, and she invited me over; clearly it was on. It's not that I didn't have protection (I did), but in the heat of passion, and not wanting to get sick, I asked if everything was alright, and she got completely serious and stopped and told me she had herpes but that it was under control. I narrowly escaped, and felt myself shrink further away from reaching out or dating or women in general after that. Even earlier this year when I went on and off of N.F. streaks, it might only take a couple weeks for wet dreams to return. I wasn't trying to induce them, but they had become natural, because my body was no longer used to masturbation as the primary sexual release. Maybe my entire physiology had changed.

Although again, bit by bit, the masturbation frequency went back to nightly with the audio stimulation, and in general....

Bit by bit I felt myself retreating again. Never to the point where things had been at in 2013, but I've seen this movie before and don't want to go back. Here's the other thing....

I fundamentally feel better when I'm on NoFap. I take better care of myself (even though I still eat well, generally, and still do okay with exercise, etc.). I sleep better.

In a sense, maybe I don't suffer from the tragic addiction of actually cravings and withdrawals and was blessed that I could just stop like that the first time. If I did it once I can do it again. I don't even necessarily have another clear-cut goal this time, like "3 years" or "for the rest of my life." It would make sense to go at least the requisite 90-days though, I think....

So I tried to reset my badge over on the Reddit site but it looks like everyone is having trouble with the badges over there anyhow and this seems to have become a good message board over here on the real website, so here I am again.

I'll keep you posted and be checking in if I can help anyone else here too. So much of my own momentum last time was inextricably linked to logging on and trying to help others when I myself experienced urges. I'm also very hopeful and confident, in that, because I've already been through this for such a long stretch, I have direct personal experience of what to expect and how to work through it. So it's going to be alright but I wanted to log back in here and share where I'm at with all of you. As long as we're all in it together, we can all be there for each other.

 

Of course. It's too fine of a line and I just don't feel as good when I'm not on the program, so here goes. I agree; dependency creeps up unsuspectingly and a lot of times you don't know you're in trouble until it's too late (or rather, not too late --- anyone can change anything at any time, but it gets more complicated past a certain point I think).

At any rate, I'd just rather jump back on board than have to wonder if it's adversely impacting other aspects of my life. Best to you on your journey too, always

 

I don't think so. I think that if you are an addict, you always are (like they say in 12-step). That doesn't mean people don't successfully resist that addiction for the long-term, but I would subscribe to the viewpoint that where there is a real dependency, it's a biological and genetic addiction that simply requires accountability, vigilance, and control for the long-term. I don't think it ever really goes away. Many of my musician people who've been addicted say the same thing.