Still in shock...

found this website in the past few weeks, have benefitted greatly from the forum posts and comments, and figured I should take the plunge and engage.
This road my husband is on is long and I had no real idea what the deal was, I think the same can be said for him. We are both in shock at what we have learned in the past few weeks. Our story...
Three weeks ago I caught my husband of 19 years, sitting on the couch with his ring off, this was not our first rodeo. We had had a confrontation about porn, and specifically cyber sex, 5 years ago, I was so unset, he felt terrible, said he would never do it again, he hated hurting me, I said I would leave him if he lied to me again, blah blah blah, you all know the drill.
He lied and covered it up, I had trust issues, it was nothing, etc. I ended up crying, then texted him later saying I was sorry I was control and mistrustful, and wished I could be more fun and cool, and I was sorry. He felt so bad and said he made me feel that way, he could never give me my trust back, he was a jerk, he didn't want to hurt me, he loved me, the usual routine.
I was up all that night, I just knew he had been doing it, and I knew that I had been hoping in the past 6 months that I would fall out of love with him so I could leave, I even had been pushing for us to turn our little garage into a small efficiency for our older kids if they needed to come home - but I see now that I wanted to build it so I could get out of our house. I hated our house, I always felt like the bad guy, the ruiner of good times.
That morning, I just said to him, I know you lied to me about yesterday, and you are a fool to throw our love away. Oh, and I said get out of here for the day, I just need some space. He wrote me a letter, telling me he did lie, and he had been lying for a long time, that he was totally addicted to porn, he had done some research after I confronted him, he said it all fit, everything, that he has been addicted to porn really his whole adult life, but things had escalated 5 years ago when we got a laptop and he has so much private access to it. He wrote about how he felt like such a scumbag, not worthy of my love, trapped in a darkness threatening to consume him, like there was only one way out and he couldn't do that to myself or the kids. He had tryed so many times to give it up, and it always crept back in.
Being honest was just amazing for us both, cathartic. He has been rebooting for 21 days, and things are amazing, lots of crying and horrible heartbreaking feelings for both of us, but so much love and understanding too. I know the uncomfortableness of reboot is coming for us, but it has been mind blowing for us both to see him coming back.
For me, seeing and acknowledging harmful patterns he set up to hide his addiction, that will be happening for a while. I see the disease of it, and intellectually I get that it isn't horribly personal, but my heart doesn't feel that way. It almost takes me down to my knees sometimes it hurts so much. Things that I have asked for that are working for us, that he not be on the computer at all when I am not home, that he write me letters (when we talk about my feelings and hurting me he just can't deal with it and shuts down which makes me want to scratch his eyes out), and that he is honest and transparent. And that he answers my questions. And that he tells me how he is feeling. And that he keeps telling me he loves me.
I have also been writing him letters, some that he can have right now, and some that I think would be counter productive to his reboot that I don't share. Is that a bad idea, not honest, deceitful? Not sure about that. I need to get those feelings out but don't think he is ready for the full blast of it.
That's a start, thanks for reading.

 

I agree, I am a powerful person, best to wait for the full blast of my rage, let him heal, which is so important for our future together. Thanks for the kind words!