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What to do about disclosure. Please help.

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by desperatehousewife, Sep 20, 2016.

  1. desperatehousewife

    desperatehousewife Fapstronaut

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    There are certain things that my SO has told me about, but it has become clear that he does not want to go into detail. I have one idea of what happened; he knows the full truth.

    I am someone who can only move on once I know the full details (not in a self-abusive way, but in a fully honest manner - i.e. my understanding of a situation for the past few years was that this other woman was the aggressor and he wanted to leave the situation immediately, but I just found out that was not the case - he will still not disclose his part in the encounter). He is angry right now because I asked him to revisit something that I clearly had a different understanding of - he just said "why do you want me to relive a sexual fantasy?"

    I'm not sure how to approach this. He went into defense mode and began mocking me again. I had already dealt with two HUGE disclosures from him tonight, and told him that now is the best time to let it out if there is anything else - it's just how I operate. I want to know the intention. I don't need gory details, but at least let me know what feelings/intentions lay on both ends.

    What do you think?
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  2. MsPants

    MsPants Guest

    This sucks. The lying or deflecting truth is harming you. You need something and if he is fully committed to his reboot, he should be divulging. Whatever it is that you need clarification on, he should provide it if that is what you need. He should be providing you an open book of truths that you need. I hope that you get what you need from him. I am not sure about his reboot progress, but he should be willing to give you the information that you need to move forward, otherwise it does feel like he is protecting himself rather than trying to repair his relationship with you. I really have no advice for you but hope you get the answers you need.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  3. While I don't condone him mocking you I can, as an addict, understand the reaction to your request. Mostly because attached to all of my acting-out instances is a huge amount of shame. At times the shame alone feels so overwhelming you want to kill yourself. Also there were times when I would act out and I would be telling myself not to do something while I was doing it! I had no self-control and what was happening wasn't even my choice anymore. Those experiences felt like self-rape and I hated talking about them. Reliving those instances brings back a lot of self-hatred which in turn causes me to want to act out again. The only times I've ever divulged the details of these instances were when I knew I was in a safe place with a person who's experienced with such disclosures like a therapist or a priest. Had it not been for the confessional I probably wouldn't be here today.

    There's an old saying, "the devil is in the details" and so you just need to ask yourself if it's really worth meeting him or not. From experience I can tell you if you're not experienced with him you will hurt not only yourself but the other person as well regardless of how good your intentions are.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2016
    Jilloy likes this.
  4. jean grey

    jean grey Fapstronaut

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    I needed all of the acting out behaviours disclosed, I could not begin to deal with this until I knew what he had done. I made this one of my hard line non-negotiables. This was because of 20 years of lying. I did not need to know all of the details, I needed to know wtf else have you done. I found the stash, I saw, horrible, shit. I saw the details and met the devil. So, yep, everything he did needed to be put on the table because I couldn't believe that the stash was everything and guess what I was right, there was more.

    Mocking you and deflecting is not okay, ever. This to me would be a non-negotiable.

    The only way through this is honesty, 100%. We don't know when an SO is engaging in PMO, all we can tell is when something doesn't feel right. When something doesn't feel right, i.e. distant, deflecting, not engaged, moody, my mind goes straight to bad now. Not stress, bad day, tired anymore, I am straight to have you PMO'd, fantasized, thought about it? I can believe him and trust him because he has been honest, he has told me about his relapses and his previous acting out behaviours. It all helps in healing him and me and our relationship.

    If this is what you need your SO to do tell him again, tell him how the lying has damaged you and your relationship and him. His brain is a hot mess from PMO and covering his tracks (how much brain space is wasted worrying about keeping all of the lies in order?).

    So, yeah, we need truth not truthiness (the quality of seeming or being felt to be true, even if not necessarily true)...
     
    WifeInTheDark and MsPants like this.
  5. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    During my reboot my wife and I talked about my addiction and the damage I caused her every day for a whole month. We had a few discussions the first few days and all of the major stuff came out. But the details came out over the course of those 30 days. I had led a life of secrets... my automatic response was to shut down and hide. I had to learn to open up and trust that I wasn't going to be hurt for being truthful and honest. I was like a mummy that had to be unwrapped layer by layer. My wife understood that initially I was dealing primarily with the addiction and whatever was left over was dedicated to the relationship. She only put on my plate what I was able to handle for that day. I would think about it and follow up the next day with her about my thoughts and an apology.

    ON THE OTHER HAND, your situation is NOT like mine. He was involved with another person and that increases the seriousness of what he did. It sounds like he is still holding onto something major, or something that he is afraid is going to cast him in a very negative light, or could hurt you even deeper. If he is hiding and hoping you go away then that's unacceptable. If he is hiding and protecting himself then that's selfish. If he is lying because he is a coward then he's scum. If he's becoming defensive and attacking then he's weak, scared, and afraid.

    You have your finger on the pulse of the relationship. Was he at his wits end for the day or was he hiding? Was he going to his automatic response or was he actively concealing? Was the shame overwhelming him or was he minimizing the seriousness of your request for information? Why don't you follow up with him today and see if he's more willing to open up and talk about the things that were left out. State that you need this information in order to heal or make decisions and that withholding information can hurt him in the long run. Apply rational, logical pressure on him and chase him if he tries to hide emotionally. Be patient in waiting for an answer. But make sure he knows that you expect an answer... no matter how embarrassing or painful it might be.
     
  6. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    I'd call in a professional, because I don't think I or most of the others here are qualified to tell you exactly what is needed to heal the relationship vs. what both of you want personally. He clearly has more to be ashamed of, and you clearly want to know what that is. He also seems to be having trouble with exactly how much he reveals and in what detail, which triggers him. There's been another here who was turned on by the idea of confessing. Other SOs have realized that their mate has been living a double life, that they aren't even the person they presented, and have killed the relationship. Add to this that yours didn't reach this crossroads on his own, so I imagine he's feeling very conflicted and scared right now.

    Recovery is not something that happens in a day, or a week, or even a year. It's a process of revelations, slips, and resolve. You have been here a while, and you are ready to progress, but he is not. Every step is painful and terrifying for him, which does not excuse him, but provides perspective. I say get a pro who can help coach on exactly how much is necessary for recovery.
     
    ReturningToEarth and - Ω - like this.
  7. I was in defense mode all the time in the early days. Its just a part of the process I think. This may not be what you wanted to hear but I think the best thing you can do is give him some time. Let his streak get higher, and when his urges calm down a bit, then talk to him about it.
     

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