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My story and shameful life

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by jayaredee, Sep 5, 2016.

  1. jayaredee

    jayaredee New Fapstronaut

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    I'm a newbie. Last week I stumbled upon the NoFap concept through youtube videos when I was in a panic.
    I'm getting sick of my sexual addiction to porn and masturbation and so last week I stopped for a good 4 days.
    On Thursday night I panicked because I was in pain with blue balls and I wondered if this was even healthy. I tend to worry about the small things but I started researching online and trying to find out if it was even healthy to retain semen over an extended period of time. My panic turned into my decision to "flush out." This then triggered my addiction and I ended up going on a marathon afterwards and all weekend. Leading up to today.

    I'm gay and sometimes I worry about not being able to find a boyfriend and being alone. Sometimes I feel that this will be the only way for me to find any relief or satisfaction. Obviously this is very self defeating thoughts but I feel it nonetheless.
    I get desperate sometimes and it's not only porn. I fantasize a lot and create my own stories and situations which are impossible because the guys I think about are straight or would otherwise never be with me. I also go on craigslist and organize hook ups or even phone sex. As of recent I even was getting in touch with male escorts to pay for them to give me a release. This is how desperate and shameful it's gotten for me. Afterwards I obviously feel unfulfilled because no one is there to hold me through the night.

    I realize that this is all leading to negative thoughts and behaviors on my part. It's holding me back from achieving my career goals and pursuing hobbies and maintaining friendships.
    I work 5 days a week. They are long hours so good enough to be able to stick it out through the week. However when I'm at home alone... that's when it gets troublesome. I know I could read or watch t.v. or go for a walk. But I usually end up.... instead.

    So here I am at 30 years of age wanting to finally make a change. I want to have normal relationships with men without thinking of them in objective ways. To be able to talk to a guy without getting all nervous and awkward would be a plus. Guys I work with are not homophobic or anything however if I'm awkward around them they feel awkward too. I blame this on the porn videos and the unrealistic scenarios they present. The fantasies they drill into my brain.

    That's my story. My question that I'm looking to be answered is whether it's really safe to go without draining yourself for such long periods of time. I notice a lot of members have significant others that they have relations with and therefore get to have a "release" of some sort. For us single guys, is it okay to just hold it in and deal with the pain? I know this has probably been asked or may even sound stupid but I'm at the end of my rope here. I know i'm ruining my life.

    Thanks for reading. Wishing you all a wonderful day.
     
    Keb and yousuff like this.
  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome, I'm glad you're here! I hope you keep coming back.

    I have gone without masturbation for almost 15 months. I feel great. No, it won't hurt you in any way.
     
  3. Allnightlong

    Allnightlong Fapstronaut

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    "I tend to worry about the small things but I started researching online and trying to find out if it was even healthy to retain semen over an extended period of time." Come on man, deep down you KNOW it is not going to cause any damage. You just know it. But it is you "dark" side of your mind that is tricking you, it is telling you all the things that will make you have an excuse to start PMOing again. I know that this is true, I am at Day 26 now and your brain will not stop trying to convince you to get all the dopamine back you took away from it ;)
     
  4. Ashman

    Ashman Fapstronaut

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    Hey,
    it is great you are here. I am newby as well. I just joined the site today, after I watched porn yesterday. I have very similar experience like you do. If you wanna chat more, contact me. Good luck
     

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