The thought of telling my wife turns me on - Starting to doubt myself

This is a tough one, but when you examine the facts, I think the answer is obvious. Informing the wife isn't a good idea just for your sake. It's a good idea for hers as well. I've gone into detail on Disclosure, and you can find the link in my signature.

Your lymbic brain is excited because it's irrational and has been trained on porn. In the fairy tale world of porn, exhibitionism leads to good things. I'm guessing, since you've copped to an addiction and are 18 days into fighting it, you've fantasized, read, and/or viewed a lot of porn. Therefore, your irrational brain's trained to think that only good things happen with exposure. Porn says there's a chance she'll be relieved, because she also has all kinds of naughty fantasies that she wants to try out, but was afraid to talk to you about. Porn says, worst case scenario, she won't mind and will let you enjoy it, even join you, maybe.

Porn lied.

No woman will be turned on, or aggressively berate and humiliate you if your porn use has developed into that fetish, upon discovering that you replaced her. She'll be hurt. She'll withdraw. She'll question herself, wondering if it was her fault. She might be angry, she might ask for space, she might outright demand or even take that space.

I'm not saying this to scare you off of telling, just to reassure your thinking, reasonable side that this is the right thing, but the dangerous thing to do. I don't know if you should disabuse yourself of your fantasies and tell her right away, or spend some time trying to understand the magnitude and seriousness of what your addiction has done, but telling her does need to happen. For her sake, I think it needs to happen soon.

 

I know how you feel about telling your wife. It is scary and the future is uncertain. No one knows what the reaction will be like. Hopefully, it will be positive. When you do tell her, I promise you there will be a rollercoaster of emotions that she will go through. And it won't all be in that moment. That rollercoaster will be a ride that you will have to ride for quite some time. That is ok though. Not only will it help her to work through her feelings but also help you to work through your feelings and hopefully, help you both to overcome and heal together and be able to enjoy a very much closer relationship together. It will be hard for what you will go through, but it will be hard for her as well. Let her pour out her emotions, just be there to listen and answer questions and be open to sharing with each other.

Keep coming back and you can journal here about your relationship and what changes occur. It will inspiring to everyone here. I do agree with Meshuga that the sooner the better.

 

I'm a fan of telling. I tried just working on my actions but I kept relapsing. I needed to be open and honest. This applies to most, but perhaps not all. The worms of addiction thrive in the dark. Bring them to the light and they shall wither. Put that way I feel like there should be a chapter and verse citation.
You can describe things in general terms without all the detail. My wife didn't need details. I just truthfully assured her it was all legal, but not the sort of stuff I would have believed myself capable of watching, let alone enjoying, 10 years ago. Providing links to YBOP etc will help her understand this is a phenomenon that happens in addicts.
Read @Meshuga's link on disclosure. I think that info you referred to is sound when it talks about paving the way for disclosure, but dangerous when it indicates you can wholly replace it - that is possible but unlikely unless you have absolute iron will. And like the rest of us, there are some clear signs you don't


All the best.

 

The good thing is that you found the courage to write here and now you're on the right path to healing. But you'll need even more courage to start facing your addiction and dealing with it seriously.

What I can tell you with my experience to porn addiction is that first you need to stop hiding it. You need to tell someone and not keep it in secret. So your wife finding about this is a good thing because it gives you someone to confess to. Even better - from your post I understood that your wife loves you and cares for you very much. So there's a big chance she'll accept you for who you really are. You need to have that serious talk with her. Tell her that you have are addicted to porn. When you're talking with your wife there's a few things to consider telling her:

1. It's not about her. You love her and appreciate her very much and still have these feelings towards her. Your relationship to her hasn't changed. It's all about you, your psyche and what you're doing and feeling.
2. This thing started long before you two met. It started when you were a teenager (or maybe earlier).
3. It doesn't come from your conscious mind. It's a subconscious urge. You're not sure where it originated from. You can't control it sometimes. Your fingers move and open the folder and you don't realize what's happening until it's over(or at least that's what I experienced )
4. Tell her you understand it's a problem and you need to work on it to resolve it.
5. Tell your wife you'll need her help. You'll need her to understand you and accept you. Ask her - "Can you accept all this and help me deal with it?", "Will you stand by me while I fight it?"
6. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable and feel your emotions and show them to your wife. Tell her how you feel. Tell her about all the guilt, regret and shame you hold in yourself. Cry if you need to. Don't hold anything back.

You need to be brave to do all that. You'll need to find the courage to overcome your fears and doubts and be open and vulnerable. From my experience it's not as bad as we tell ourselves it is.

You need also to be prepared if your wife doesn't accept you and doesn't accept this addiction that you have. You need to understand that she has to be very strong to do that and not all people are like that. Don't judge her if she's not that strong. Forgive her and accept her for who she is. If she'll not be beside you for the ride you'll just have to fix all this by yourself. Which is totally doable

 

By "not accepting you" I don't mean that she'll leave you. I mean that she may not be supportive but instead - angry, confused and blaming herself. The possibility of her actually leaving you is a very very very low percentage. I'm thinking of something like 0.2%

But I'm positive that she'll be supportive if you present it with the points that I make above

I'm saying it again - from my experience the whole thing about telling your wife is not as bad as we tell ourselves it is. You just have to find the courage to overcome all the fears that you imagine.

 

Hey @Marsbar what happened with telling your wife? Did you do it? How did it go?