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Will sleeping with my wife ruin my reboot?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Philip1981, Aug 22, 2016.

  1. Philip1981

    Philip1981 Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys I'm just starting a 90 days reboot, first time, but I'm married and don't want to deprive my wife. Will having sex ruin my reboot?
    Another big problem is because of my P and M addiction I find it hard to O with my wife and end up P and M after sex alone just to O.
    Just not sure how to deal with this one.
    Any ideas?
     
  2. My honest advice would be to abstain from all O during the reboot, as it sounds like you suffer from PIED. While having healthy sex with your wife is the goal, your brain needs a timeout to rewire. If you haven't already, tell your wife about your PMO addiction and your reboot plan. Have a look into FANOS, daily cuddling and karezza too. Invite your wife to join the reboot, but don't force it upon her. If she doesn't want to abstain as well, find a compromise that works for both of you.
     
    MsPants, wj2727, Meshuga and 2 others like this.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    There are two different trains of thought on this. The first is that not only do you have to heal yourself but you also have to heal your relationship. Having a healthy sex life can help you connect in a meaningful way with your wife. But your wife needs to have knowledge of what you are doing and why. Some people need to switch from taking care of their own needs to focus on taking care of the needs of their SO. When I started I had PE, DE, and PIED. My wife was involved and aware of my problems and the cause. During my reboot, sex was sometimes successful and sometimes not successful. But it was okay because my wife was understanding. Even when things didn't go well we still were working together on the problem instead of separately. Having sex helped us bond in a meaningful way that we hadn't done in a long time.

    On the other hand, some people need to avoid sex during a reboot. This decision should not be made unilaterally... you must include her when making the decision. Some addicts might not be able to be emotionally present with their SO during sex. Some will have flashbacks. Some need the mental images to get things working. Some expect sex to be more like what they see in the movies. Some become discouraged when their 'equipment' doesn't go back to normal quickly enough. Some cannot handle the chaser effect and will seek out PMO right after sex to continue the state of euphoria. Some expect their wives to become their porn substitute. Some have relationships that are too fragile to risk initiating sex. Some people are addicted to affairs and one night stands. Some single people use hooking-up as a means of getting the same dose of brain-altering chemicals.

    Your decision is unique to your situation. Think about the pros and cons. Talk about them with your wife. Make the decision together. Have it be part of a bigger plan for recovery. Recovery is a life long endeavor. There really is no way to make it go faster. There are many other things that can prevent recovery, but sex with your SO by itself is not one of them.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2016
  4. I would say theres no problem with sex. Its natural. And soon, because you are doing nofap, assuming you don't relapse it will probably feel... Much better. But I aint the person to ask. Im a virgin myself.
     
  5. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    @i_wanna_get_better1 covered it. There's no cookie cutter solution to this, because every relationship is a special snowflake with special snowflake needs. Be aware of all of the risks as you move forward.

    I will say that experience, not just my own but many, many others have born this out; if you have not yet told your wife about the addiction and recovery, you probably need to do so. In my opinion, the only exception is if she's a suicide risk and even then, it's just a "not yet" scenario.
     
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  6. Philip1981

    Philip1981 Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys thanks for the messages. Given me lots to think about. Sorry I've not replied sooner. Going to try and work on your suggestions. Thanks so much.
     
    i_wanna_get_better1 likes this.
  7. Mackswell Hope

    Mackswell Hope Fapstronaut

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    Think about your goals, your triggers, and the type of person you are when it comes to a challenge.
    Read up on the chaser effect, and watch your thoughts if you do decide that MO is ok. That is, are your fantasies just as unhealthy as P?
    I'm in P mode and so far so good. So far!
    Hard mode is, well it's hard isn't it? The clue is in the title. For me, it's too hard and I need something achievable. And as hard mode simply doesn't resonate with me I just couldn't succeed. P mode does resonate, and this time I'm fully determined. My goal is forever, but I'm setting some smaller goals first. Having read up on the chaser effect, and being more aware of my triggers, I have significantly reduced MO. Not always happy with myself on the MO, but always much more mindful, and going well on the whole. But that's me --
    Read some logs - mine is but one approach.
    And yes, talk to your SO. Read logs of SOs. A good start will be writing the response to the query here: have you told your SO?
    Every situation is different, but on this one I have to agree with others. If you're facing an addiction, and you're here so that seems most likely, you can't keep it hidden. It's not fair on her, but more importantly for present purposes, addiction comes hand in hand with addictive behaviours. Dishonesty is the most destructive of these. All the modes, hard mode, P mode etc, are about breaking your addiction. But if you break the back of the dishonesty you're taking a massive step to getting that monkey off your back. That's all from experience, no judgment. Just the way we are (were!). Break dishonesty and you remove a destructive addictive behaviour. Remove a destructive addictive behaviour and you're taking a big step forward.
    Best,
    MH
     
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  8. Friendly reminder... abstaining from sex doesn't mean you have to deprive your wife. You can do special things for her and still remain orgasm-free, yourself.
     
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  9. I've had this same question for sometime and always have just had sex with my wife but I continue to relapse so I wonder if maybe I do need 90 days hard mode...
     
    Philip1981 likes this.
  10. ZeroTheHero

    ZeroTheHero Fapstronaut

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    I'm not sure I understand the logic of no sex with the spouse but I'm a newbie. I have experienced the chaser effect after successful sex with my wife but didn't recognize it as a risk until I read up on here. Now that I'm aware of the risk I feel like I can resist that temptation. I'm still learnin tho.
     
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  11. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    It's all about learning what works for you. Some find it therapeutic to immediately retrain the brain to seek sexual release with the spouse. Others find the chaser effect too distracting, and have to unlearn bad habits before they can be replaced with good ones. Both are legitimate. If it takes a little longer for you to recover than for others, don't worry about it. If it's shorter for you, don't worry about it. Just make sure you are communicating with your mate about it.
     
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  12. Philip1981

    Philip1981 Fapstronaut

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    I used to get the chaser effect too man after ever sex session. Managing to resist those relapse chaser feelings at the moment though.
     
  13. I agree with you. I think, in addition to the problems of chaser effect, some people also want to abstain from orgasm completely for at least 90 days, to kind of "detox" their brain from dopamine. Essentially dopamine is the drug we are addicted to, so even though you are having sex with a partner instead of doing things by yourself, you're still getting little bits of that "drug." So in order to really detox, it's best to not have any exposure to that at all. It would be like an alcoholic saying they are giving up alcohol, but they're still going to drink socially. That's a choice they could possibly make in the future, but when they're first trying to quit the thing they're addicted to, they should probably give it up completely, at least for a while.
     
    Philip1981 likes this.
  14. ZeroTheHero

    ZeroTheHero Fapstronaut

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    I see. My main reason for doing this is PIED so I don't think that makes as much sense for me, but at the end of the day I have to see what works for me too.

     
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  15. Philip1981

    Philip1981 Fapstronaut

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    I see what you are saying but I get dopamine type rushes from running. I get a real buzz from it, and other things too, so I don't think a dopamine detox is truly possible.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  16. I agree with you. I don't personally agree with the whole concept, I was just explaining what other people here seem to believe.
     
    Philip1981 likes this.
  17. I also don't necessarily think a complete dopamine detox is even healthy, even if it were possible.
     
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