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Toppling the Pyramid of Fear (Social Anxiety Challenge)

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Iggy, Aug 21, 2016.

  1. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    About 4 years ago I developed some pretty bad social anxiety, I would sweat when faced with people I didn't know that well and would look like I'd auditioned for a Lynx advert (for those British readers) if I ever found myself speaking to a girl.

    I've managed to reduce it a lot in the intervening years, but I'm still nowhere near where I know I can be. I've been reading a lot of the works of Sean Cooper, but as he says himself in his book 'The SSA Book', it is up to us ourselves to go out there and apply what we've read to actually make progress.

    Taking this to heart, I have systematically broken up my fears into categories and will attempt to tackle them starting from the least to the shit my pants fears.

    Each day I will take on one of the fears until I know longer feel anxiety doing it- if I still feel anxious doing it I will do it again the next day. To do this I will attempt the situation and initiate deep breathing and muscle relaxation to reduce any anxiety once I'm in it.

    My categories are:

    • Approach- these situations will help me overcome my fear of approaching strangers and intiating conversations
    • Conversation- this part will help develop my conversation skills
    • Fun- in this section I will teach myself to start having more fun in my interactions with people
    • Rejection- I tried this before a few months ago, but never completed it unfortunately. I will teach my brain to no longer fear the sting of rejection
    I believe each of these categories is vital to becoming as confident and outgoing as I know I can be. I will go into each category in further detail during my attempts. I'm posting this in this forum as a form of accountability and to encourage myself to finish my mission.

    I've no idea how long this will take to complete, but feel free to join in or leave a comment or feedback.
     
    1.1.17, vibemaker, six and 4 others like this.
  2. Rtaylor

    Rtaylor Fapstronaut

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    Nice bro,

    Good stuff. Fight the good fight!
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2016
  3. Rtaylor

    Rtaylor Fapstronaut

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    Hey Iggy, I was thinking. I was where you are, and this is what I figure out a long time ago.

    Please feel free to take from this what you want from this and leave what you don't.

    -------------------------

    Once you figure out the bigger goals, break them into many, small, obtainable skills (micro skills). Master the micro skills and level up.

    -------------
    For example, Mystery made the M3 model which outlines the stages of every interaction and the micro skills inside them.

    These are the large stages that we found/derived from that (for what we wanted):
    1. Getting good at talking to girls/people (with the 4 steps from before) will make you an acquaintance (with any random stranger you choose).
    2. Next, you have to learn how to develop a connection with them ("rapport"). This will get you in the friend zone.
    3. Now you have a good friend. You can either sexualize the vibe, sell them something, or just have a nice friend to talk to.
    (I hate mystery but his fundamentals are sound)
    -----------------------------

    If you need simple objectives to try to hit during the daytime or nightime. "Newbie missions" will give you objectives. They are designed to teach you micro skills.

    The missions helped me out a lot.

    You can google "newbie missions" depending on the micro skill you are trying to learn.

    Focus on one micro-skill at a time, and you will progress. The process by itself is fun.
    -----------------------------

    Here's a few good newbie mission examples, if you need simple objectives (Simple objectives helped me a lot):

    "Eye Contact game – This is a fairly simple challenge that can be applied both during the day or at night, but is probably better during the day. The aim is simple – as you are walking around, make and hold eye contact with people for just a few seconds. Often times, guys who are shy, unconfident or socially awkward will have a hard time maintaining eye contact with anyone – not just girls. This challenge can also be built upon and developed simply by adding a smile to the mix. Once eye contact has been established, you should acknowledge the situation by cracking a small but friendly smile. The aim here is to simply be social and friendly, which will develop your confidence at engaging strangers in a non-verbal way, and will often elicit a positive response in return. Again, this can be expanded upon by saying “Hi”. As a progressive starting mission, first make eye contact with 10 people. Once completed, make eye contact and smile at 5 people, and once that has been achieved, add saying “Hi” to 3 people."

    Engaging strangers indirectly – During the day time, a great Newbie Mission that you can try which follows on from the above suggestions is to stop and interact with a stranger in an indirect way. A good way to do this is to stop and ask random people on the street for directions or to ask for the time. If in a night club, a similar mission is to high five random people or to raise your glass and “cheers!” them. The objective is to keep it short and simple. Once you’ve been given the time or high-fived a girl in the club – leave. The overall goal is to get you interacting with people you don’t know whilst removing the pressure of having to maintain a conversation or think of anything to say."

    Chatting to ‘hired guns’ – Once you’ve gotten used to stopping and briefly engaging random people through eye contact, smiling, saying “hi” or asking for directs, the next step is to enter into a conversation with people. This will help develop your confidence at talking to strangers and get you into a more social frame of mind. The easiest people to talk to are shop assistants, charity workers and sales people. When you’re at the checkout in a shop for example, simply ask the attendant, “how’s your day going?” or other simple questions or statements such as, “working a long shift today?”, “It’s pretty busy in here today, isn’t it!?” or ask something about them, like – “Are you studying as well as working here…?”.

    The aim of all of the Newbie Missions is not to pick-up girls but to simply engage with other people. When bantering with ‘hired-guns’, the aim is to have a brief, friendly chit-chat while you are being served or looking around the store. Eventually you can build up to more harder challenges. The underlying goals of any mission should always be to; Get into a social state of mind, push the boundaries of your comfort zones and – most importantly – have fun!
    "

    http://puamore.com/wiki/newbie-mission/
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2016
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  4. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Approach
    1. Approach 5 girls and 5 guys and ask for the time

    Found this one very easy, started off with a bit of trepidation, making the usual excuses for why I shouldn't approach someone. By about the 5th person I was happy enough to approach anyone and was asking a few hot girls and some groups just to mix it up. Just from my brief interactions I could see little opportunities to start further conversation, talked to this pretty girl playing Pokemon Go, but I didn't go any further.

    Anxiety Level: 2. - Found it very easy, most of the anxiety was in starting the challenge rather than the actual interactions.
     
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  5. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for this Taylor- by the looks of things, the way I've broken down my challenges they will hit a lot of these same points. I'll definitely look further into these newbie challenges though. It'll be interesting to see how other people did.
     
    Rtaylor likes this.
  6. Rtaylor

    Rtaylor Fapstronaut

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    No problem bro,

    Perfect, that's awesome. Let me know where you get stuck, and I'll try to help you out if I can.

    Also, whenever you get really stuck (or don't know what do), You can google: "pua sticking points" find your sticking point, and find the solution to get past it.

    Most people get stuck at the same places.

    -------------
    Congratulations on the progress!
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2016
    Iggy likes this.
  7. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Approach
    2. Ask 5 girls and 5 guys for the time whilst visibly showing a watch or phone

    I found this challenge very easy as well, it was only slightly harder than the previous day's. I was pretty bored doing this actually and tried to make it harder by approaching bigger groups if possible or the hottest girls I could find just to boost the old anxiety drive. I started pointing to my phone towards the end, but people didn't really seem bothered. One woman glanced at me weird, but she didn't say anything. Apart from that it was smooth sailing.

    Anxiety Level: 3- I barely experienced any anxiety tbh which makes me think I should maybe skip a few of the challenges and get to the juicier stuff, but I'll probably stick with the plan for now.
     
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  8. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Cheers bro, I'll hit you up if I get stuck. I'm doing this more to become a well-rounded individual rather than for pickup, but ofc any increase in confidence with the ladies is icing on the cake ;)
     
    Rtaylor likes this.
  9. Rtaylor

    Rtaylor Fapstronaut

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    Good stuff bro, most definitely! All self improvement is good.
     
    Iggy likes this.
  10. Good to see you back doing this
     
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  11. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Approach
    3. Ask 5 guys and 5 girls for directions somewhere

    Warmed up to the day's challenge by asking this fat middle aged woman where the nearest post office was. Very simple interaction. The next girl didn't know where the post office was since she was not from around here.

    The next interaction was a fairly attractive girl around my own age. She went way past the call of duty when I asked her directions to this building. I was at one end of town and she offered to walk me all the way down to the other end of town to my destination since she was headed that way anyway. I was pretty shocked and didn't know how to get myself out of it, so I walked down with her. We had a really nice chat on the way and then we parted.

    The next girl was toting a trolley full of wares, so I asked her where the nearest post office was. Turns out the nearest one was where she was headed too, so she offered to walk me down as well. It wasn't as long a journey as the one before, but still I had another little chat with a complete stranger.

    I was meant to ask 10 people for directions, but I was going to be late for work at this rate and those 2 interactions went way past what they were meant to be like so I left it at 4.

    Anxiety level: 5 - I was a bit nervous starting the challenge, but after the 1st one was out of the way I wasn't too bothered. I felt more anxiety once I realised I had to keep a conversation going with 2 complete strangers, but I found my anxiety peaked with the first tour guide and then I could let the conversation flow. I wasn't with my 2nd tour guide for long enough for my anxiety to peak out, but it was a good experience.
     
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  12. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Didn't get chance to do much of the days challenge thanks to some good old fashioned British weather. Only managed the one approach before the heavens opened up. It was a hot blonde girl with her mother, with nothing out of the ordinary happening.

    I'm going to complete it tomorrow, I actually felt a lot of anxiety and avoided a few groups before I settled on that one, so it'll be useful to do
     
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  13. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Approach
    4. Ask 10 groups of girls or couples and ask for the time

    I asked 5 of the hottest girls I could find and 5 couples for the time, when I asked a couple for the time I solely addressed the girl- I got this from the demonic confidence challenge. I experienced a few of the same things that others reported when only talking to the girl, every guy would try give me the time before his girl could, but I didn't feel the same level of aggression against me that others reported. One guy gave me a real filthy look, but most weren't tood bad.

    I felt the biggest buzz yet from completing this challenge, a couple of black girls at the end were almost fighting each other to give me the time which was pretty funny.

    Anxiety Level: 5- I was pretty anxious doing this challenge and just trying to start it was making me feel sick. I found it really difficult to force myself to just engage the girl. I hesitated a lot before I initiated the first set with this cute emo girl and her bf, I did one more before I met a girl from my old school who used to have a thing with me. I felt the conversation went bad (which in hindsight was just my negative thought processes bullshitting me), and it knocked my confidence. I just felt like giving up and trying again another day, but I asked myself do I wanna have more boring, anxiety driven conversations in the future? Hell no, so I forced myself approach the next 8 before my lunchbreak ended. After about the 4th couple/group I was unstoppable, approaching any group I saw and my anxiety intiating started to go down.

    It was weird, at first and this past week I've been trying to create some space between each approach so that people walking behind me won't see me asking for the time multiple times, but after that 4th group I just didn't give af anymore.
     
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  14. Rtaylor

    Rtaylor Fapstronaut

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    :D Use it for good. I think you might have leveled up (to the next stage/level).
     
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2016
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  15. Mótus

    Mótus Guest

    Hi Iggy,

    A while ago I came across the old thread you made regarding this topic, thoroughly ennjoyed it.

    Glad to see you back :), you inspire me to incorporate the same social challenges into my life!

    - Mótus
     
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  16. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Sorry, been away for a bit so wasn't able to do any challenges, but I'm back now

    Conversation

    1. Make small talk with 10 people

    Small talk is a useful tool that everyone should possess I feel, it's usually used as a means to start conversation without really exposing yourself that much. In the past I've shied away from small talk mostly out of how boring I find talking about the weather and such, but today I tried to develop the use of it.

    Today's challenge was pretty tough, I spent most of the day wondering how on earth I plan on making small talk with people just out of the blue. I planned on doing most of it whilst at work, especially since I always feel a ton of anxiety whilst at work. Turns out I was finding it almost impossible to do at work. I kept thinking how boring small talk is and how everybody will be listening in on how boring my coonversations are. It's complete bullshit, but it was pretty overwhelming; I managed to do about 4 initiations at work in the end, but my motivation to do it just wasn't there as well. I kept thinking, 'This is so slow, there must be a quicker way to become confident'. Maybe there is, I feel like I could skip a few of these steps, but just seeing how hard it was to complete this task makes me feel I should try it again or at least try something a bit easier. I'll give it one more shot tomorrow and reassess my hierarchy over the weekend.

    Fear Level (Gonna rate outta 100 from now on): 76- I did 8 initiations altogether, 4 at work and 4 in town, but I found it a lot harder than I imagined for some reason. It was a mixture of fear at being perceived as boring and generally talking to someone new and also lack of motivation from doing such a boring task. At the end of the day I walked back with one of the hot girls in my office, we managed to have a good conversation without any awkwardness- I could feel my anxiety peak at one point where things could've got awkward, but after a while it gradually declined and I felt very comfortable. I need to ride out more conversations like this so my mind can get used to the anxiety
     
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  17. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Trust me, I felt like I could hear the Pokemon levelling up ping in my head lol

    Glad I can inspire someone, gives me extra fuel to continue :)
     
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  18. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Conversation

    So I did the 'make small talk' again since I still felt anxiety whilst doing it yesterday. Today I was miles better, I planned to do them all at work, but to generally say as much that popped into my head as possible. First I got in the lift with a guy from another office who had one stinky egg sandwich in a bag, I had a little joke with him about it in the lift up. Most people don't talk in the lift so I was proud of myself for starting off a little exchange. As soon as I got in the office I was making a few jokes with the guys there and saying hi to everyone that came in thru the door where usually I'd sit down and just get on with some work quietly.

    Halfway thru the morning I was getting a right grilling from one of my co-workers for the way I'd done some of the work yesterday, it was weird, usually this is the thing I fear the most at work, but I was strangely enjoying the roasting, I could feel my anxiety rising, but I was enjoying the challenge of sticking up for myself. Turns out about 90% of what I'd done was correct anyway so I was glad to be able to stick to my guns and be proved right.

    Later in the afternoon I went for a walk around town, by then I'd talked with many different people and so wasn't planning on doing any more initiations. I went into a store and there was this gorgeous girl working there who was completely my type. She asked me how I was as most store people do, but I went that little bit further this time and asked her how she was. I didn't really think much of it, but she seemed pretty surprised. I started looking at some of the shelves near her and she suddenly asked me how my day was going, from then we had a really fun little chat about a load of random things. She had a great sense of humour and we had quite a bit in common, I probably could've done with cutting the interaction shorter myself, but we talked for a good long while before she had to get back to work. I was sweating quite a bit when my anxiety went up during the conversation, but again I rode it out and became a lot calmer in the conversation.

    Glad to say this part of the challenge is well and truly smashed after today.
     
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  19. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Conversation
    2. Ask 5 guys and 5 girls for the time or directions whilst acting excited

    This was a horrible task to do, I just couldn't get myself to feel excited at all and was trying to come across excited without looking like a maniac. I mean seriously, who gets hyped about asking people where the post office is?!

    I was pretty nervous doing this since it meant having to put on an act and I felt myself avoiding most people or making daft excuses. I ended up only asking 6 girls, if I'd asked guys as well I would've easily filled my quota, but ah well. I got some mixed responses with this challenge- the first 2 approaches were alright, the 3rd girl I nearly scared the hell out of it looked like- I didn't realise she had her earphones in until I was right next to her. The amount of people walking around with earphones in in the morning is insane. Girl 4 I had a flirty little chat with, she seemed very receptive. Girl 5 said she didn't have the time on her which I found odd and the 6th girl was this hot black girl who seemed quite happy to give me the time.

    Fear Level: 78- I was pretty nervous doing this more because of how I had to ask people rather than the base approach. I pussied out of a lot more approaches than I did in the previous challenges. Might try this one again tomorrow
     
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  20. Iggy

    Iggy Fapstronaut

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    Conversation
    3. Ask 5 guys and 5 girls for the time/directions in a boring voice

    This one was easy to do, was bored enough already asking people for the time or directions. Started off as soon as I got off the bus by asking this office guy walking up, I then approached anyone I could feel anxiety in asking. Asked a pair of hot office girls and the another pair later on. The 7th guy was this old black guy, I went up to him and he freaked out - started shouting to leave him alone, I didn't even say anything. I was just gonna tell him all I needed was the time, but the guy looked like he had serious issues so I just left him. Damn, I was shaken up by that guy, he looked insane like he'd get up and pull a machete out his back pocket if I stayed there a moment later. I was a bit more hesitant approaching people that, but I soon got back into it and approached the next 3 people I saw.

    Some of the approaches I was proper dragging out my words, I probably sounded half dead to most people. I realised the difference in responses I got from when I approached people excitedly. People were a lot less likely to stop and talk, they'd usually give me the time quick and carry on walking. They'd kinda look at me like what's up with that guy? This one woman still lit up when I approached her, I was being dead dry, but she still reacted like I'd made her day which was odd

    Anxiety Level : 48 - Felt quite easy to me until I met that crazy dude, even then when I'd gotten over that I managed to complete the mission fairly easily
     
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