HOCD? New here guys!

Hello guys,

Firstly I'd just like to say what a great website and community this is. Everyone seems to be so keen to help people out as opposed to other sites where folk don't seem as friendly!
Anyway, I have a problem and I'm wondering if there is anyone out there that is dealing with this or have dealt with it in the past.
I hope you're still reading, if you are ill start from the beginning..
From an early age I've known that I was attracted to girls, I was shy about it at school but I used to day dream about girls in my class all of the time. Moving on to secondary school (high school) and the discovery of porn is where it all gets a little confusing for me. From the age of 12 I would come home from school absolutely desperate to masturbate, it could be any type of porn other than transsexual/gay - I did not find that appealing whatsoever. Throughout high school I masturbated at least twice daily, even bunking off school to stay and do it. Then one night at a party a family friend of ours who is gay and very drunk at the time, started to run my legs under the table. This made me feel very uncomfortable and I immediately made it clear to him that I'm not that way inclined. I was around 16 at this time- hope you guys are still with me. Fast forward 10 years later and a strong relationship with my girlfriend whom I love very much (still very happy together after 10 years). I am now living in Auckland, New Zealand. I was recently watching a YouTube video on a guy reading out stupid tweets that people said. The guy had a soft feminine sincere voice that was nice to listen to. Then bang from that moment I thought 'am I attracted to this dude?' 'could this mean I am gay?' I haven't been able to shake the thoughts off since and it's driving me crazy. It's out of control, I became paranoid that everyone would think I'm guy, question myself on whether I would like to kiss/perform sexual acts with pretty much any dude I see. I tried to watch transsexual porn to see if I would become aroused. I didn't the first time, or the second but the third time I did it scared the life out of me. I haven't escalated to gay porn as it genuinely doesn't do anything for me. All of my life I have believed that I am truly straight, sure I can tell when a dude is good looking as everyone can I presume but I feel as thought I've been living this straight life to cover up a gay identity. I cannot see myself being happy with a man and I could never leave my girlfriend. My brain just won't leave it alone and sexual thoughts keep getting more and and more graphic and I am worried I may become aroused to these thoughts. It's seriously depressing. I have been searching my mind for evidence that I am gay which I have thought of certain things but I know I'm blowing things way out of proportion. Whenever I masturbate now I struggle to get aroused to straight porn, transsexual porn I find quite quite easy. I feel like I just need a factory reset like if I had a button that could erase my life of watching porn I don't think I'd be in this predicament. I'd just like to say that I have not got anything against gay people at all, I am highly respectful towards all people regardless race, sex, sexuality and beliefs. Is anybody else in the same boat as me and could maybe offer some advice? I have had minor OCD since I was a child but nothing that required medication, I've seen a specialist about this problem but he seemed more concerned about my stupid bedtime routine which involves a lot of time consuming tasks before I'm able to settle. I really hope someone could help me and offer advice or even direct me to another thread. Perhaps the perfect explanation/advice is in this forum somewhere!

Thanks for reading and I'm sorry if anyone spikes or falls asleep.

Thanks!

 

Thank you mate. I'm just gonna stop watching porn and see where it takes me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't need pornography.. there's much more to life than wanking in front of the computer to pixels.. That's all they are at the end of the day. Pixels of all different flavours! There's a whole world out there to explore rather than a world of porn. You can't beat the real thing in after all can you?
Regardless of what I discover about myself after 90 days or however long it is, it won't let it change me and I won't be labelled either. Time is better spent on other things. I don't feel as though I ever have to visit this site again. Thank you again dude.

 

Thank you. Pretty sure I'll be able to conquer this.

 

You said: Thank you mate. I'm just gonna stop watching porn and see where it takes me. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't need pornography.

That is smart.

HOCD is easily understood in terms of porn addiction due to desensitization and escalation. Almost all of us start out watching vanilla porn, or, porn that looks like what we think "normal" sex is. Does not matter whether the porn we start out watching is deemed normal objectively, but, for most of us, it is normal, subjectively. We, individually, think it is normal. But, over time, that becomes boring to us. "Boring" means we desensitize to it, meaning, more accurately, it quits giving us the dopamine high it did in the beginning.

From there, we move on to something else. The "something else" may be pretty close to the normal we began at, but it not quite the same, and often involved elements of aggression and or submission. Why? That gives us more of a dopamine rush. Probably has something to do with the Coolidge Effect, which is why we can constantly become aroused to a new sexual scenario, whereas the older ones become a bit boring to us. What really interests us is the dopamine rush we get.

Eventually, over years, we "move through the categories", finding ourselves desensitized to anything that looked normal in the beginning. That is why there are so many "categories" to search. If our, beginning, "normal" porn continued to give us the initial dopamine high, there would only be one category on any porn site: sex. But, because we eventually, inevitably, desensitize to "sex", the categories branch out: Sex A, Sex B, Sex C, eventually ending up with Sex completely different than where we started. Eventually, for many, once the heterosexual porn, the really, totally messed up, heterosexual porn we end up watching, has been desensitized to, many guys start looking at gay porn. I don't want to start a flame, nothing wrong with being gay, but the reason a lot of non gay guys start viewing it is because it is interesting, because they have become desensitized to all that came before it. "Interesting" in the previous sentence translate to: it gives them a dopamine high. It is the only "category" that is new to them, being the only category that gives them a dopamine rush.

Eventually, that category will become desensitized.

It is always good to remember, a porn addict is not chasing porn. He/she is chasing a dopamine rush. Porn is not sex. The dopamine rush we get from porn is not the dopamine rush we get from sex. Chasing a dopamine rush is the only reason a porn addict watches porn. No one ever watched porn because of the sex portrayed, the only reason any one ever watched porn was because it gave them a dopamine high. This can be confusing until you accept and understand that what gives you a dopamine high while watching porn has little or nothing to do with your sexual preferences or orientation in reality.

I think your idea of quitting using porn, and artificial sexual stimulation, to ride a dopamine high, is an excellent idea. Most guys in your position choose the hard 90, and if they can complete it, report excellent results.

Peace.

Will I AM.

 

Would someone be able to explain to me what hard 90 means?! Cheers

 

He hard 90 is otherwise known as hard mode for 90 days, meaning an addict consciously makes the decision that for 90 days he/she will not use artificial sexual stimulation to get a dopamine rush. This means no porn, no porn substitutes, no vanilla porn, no porn memory, no porn fantasy, no porn imagination, no sexual thoughts, and, for most, no sex, and obviously included no M and no O. The purpose of the exercise is to desensitized the brain's sexual reward mechanism (a dopamine rush in response to sexual thoughts) by not feeding that reward pathway. Many who do that for "the hard 90", meaning the incredibly difficult, painful, full of withdrawals, 90, report, not watching porn gets easy. It does.

 

Hi welcome.
We should have a FORUM for this because it's a very common problem here, myself included. Here is a helpful thread from another user as well, with links about fetishes and fantasies induced by PM
https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...sturbation-contribute-to-homosexuality.70414/

 

Hello people, quick update..

It's been 2 whole days since any masturbation at all. The odd sexual thought has crept into my mind which I can deal with by thinking of something else. Abstaining from porn is already clearing my mind and and helping me start to see the reality of things.

Last night whilst scrolling through Facebook I was struggling to stop looking at this picture of a chick I know - fully clothed!! God damn she is hot. I would usually just scroll past this?! Little eye opener for me there which made me feel good.

I've also been able to browse through some forums on here about people struggling with same sex attraction. I can totally accept that I may find certain members of the same sex attractive however, the thoughts of sexual activities is with them is starting to become less important in my mind almost like the thoughts have got any breathing space.

Still, just an observation. At least I know that I'm not gay and could be bisexual. Which would be alright but I don't think I could actually go ahead with anything bisexual.

Stopping porn has also given me the encouragement to stop stressing about other things too. It's just a compulsive thing I would do whenever I am bored. Same with rearranging my clothes and bedsheets. Weird.

It's early days but I think I'm seeing minor improvements!

So far so good, I think!

 

i am no expert but it does sound like a compulsive thing.

When i laid off p/m normal thoughts came back pretty quickly but i still have a lot of rewiring to do. ...the standing advice here is to do a 90. It is possible btw . if you see benefits two days out, imagine what a few months would do. if that doesn't seem realistic now , maybe try a week?

see the 90 thing above.
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/are-sexual-tastes-immutable
also I believe that sexual tastes and to some extent urges, are a choice- look no one is born with, say a boot fetish. I think my gay fantasies were really fetishes (long story but stemming from M induced fetish) I also think they can be unwired, though it's not easy. That's why I am doing a 90.

Anyway good luck and keep at it!

 

Thank you very much for posting this mate. Some very interesting reading right there. I'm still in a state of confusion. Because of this i relapsed already after 3 days it's a lot harder than I initially thought this would be. I'm gonna try again and hopefully smash this 90 hard mode.