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As Free Men (Journal)

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by HitB, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 3-New Perspectives

    So, I relapsed on Tuesday. I have a hard time keeping myself from looking at "educational" P. It sounds stupid, but my brain convinces me that I need to look at "How to" videos on how to please a woman (e.g. cunnilingus, tantra, etc.) so that I will be able to do so when the time comes. My brain tells me that it is "good" P, and therefore, it is okay. Obviously, I willingly chose to believe such lies. But I'm starting to wise up to them.

    I recently discovered the following quote on the NF Emergency App:
    "You'll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine."
    -John C. Maxwell

    It spoke volumes to me.

    Recently, a friend of mine told me that "Nothing changes if nothing changes." I thought this was profound at the time, but unfortunately, I did not apply it to changing my daily routine.

    Anyway, I'm going to try and incorporate running into a daily routine. Maybe some yoga and meditation...though, for some reason, I have a hard time getting into meditation. I just need to force myself to do it.

    Song of the Day: Dig up Her Bones (Misfits)
    Notable Lyrics: "Point me to the sky above, I can't get there on my own."
     
  2. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 0-Determined

    A lot has happened since last post. Had about a 19 day stint without P or M to O (though a few instances of fantasizing and slight edging). Relapsed--it started as interest in yoni massages, then just took a turn for the worse. Dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Then had a four day stint and relapsed due to the same damn thing. Ugh. After that, I had a six day stint and relapsed because...y'know, I'm not sure why, but I think it had something to do with risqué pictures on Wikipedia. Who knew, right?

    So, anyway...for me, P-subs almost always lead to P. And P always leads to PMO. The ever present downward spiral. It's not rocket science...but I'm still having a hard time learning.

    It's strange...a year or so ago, when I was trying to quit P, I didn't have a problem--probably because I would simply MO to memories of P. Now (going hard-mode), if I relapse, it's a full fledged PMO. Hard-mode is...well, hard, I guess. It's like my brain can't remember the old memories of P and needs new material. That's good, I guess. Shows a bit of progress. But it pisses me off that a seemingly harmless P-sub will lead to a full fledged relapse. I guess I need to avoid P-subs at all costs. Or man up and exhibit some self-control. Geez...I'm so angry right now. :mad:

    But I feel like I'm starting to catch my stride again. It took some foolish falls, but I've learned from them. Skinning your knees on the pavement sucks, but it helps drive the lesson home. Falling SUCKS. I just gotta get back up and remember not to trip over my own damn feet.

    Song of the Day: We're Not Gonna Take It (Twisted Sister)
    Notable Lyrics: "Your life is trite and jaded, boring and confiscated, if that's your best, your best won't do...WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT."
     
  3. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 0-The Misnomer.

    I've realized that this journal makes it look as though I'm constantly failing. And in a way, perhaps I am. But it doesn't speak to the successes I've seen. The tendency these days is to relapse about every 7th day. This is a far cry from the almost daily occurrence that was happening when I first began. Or at least it feels somewhat successful to me. I went from daily to every 3rd day to every 5th day to now every 7th day (average, of course, because I don't know of anyone who is so regular or has a rigid pattern, lol). Not suprisingly, the relapses I experience are usually on weekends. You may assume that I don't have things I should be doing and am not filling my time. Well, you would be partly correct. It's more because I have stuff I don't want to do, and there are no serious repercussions if I don't get them done (or don't get them done in a timely manner). Then, I deprive myself of doing the things I DO want to do because I can't justify doing my desired activities over my "to do" list activities. Then I end up staring at a wall and eventually relapsing.

    I've read the AA Blue Book. I've considered joining an SA group. But I don't have any close to me, unfortunately. So, I plan on getting on my journal a little more regualarly now. Do people read it? Lol. Probably not. Who would want to read the ramblings of a madman? Or someone who can't get past 10 days without either P, M, or O. I can go without P. I can go without O. But strangely, that M is a bit difficult to kick.

    Anyway, I relapsed today because I stupidly looked at my Junk Mail folder, as I tend to do at times. That inevitably leads to P within a few days. Then that leads to O. Today it was all in the same day, which is pretty typical. The line of thinking is something like: "Oh, I've already broken my no Psub streak, what does my no M streak matter? Oh, I've just broke my no M streak, what does my no P streak matter? Oh, I've just broken my no P streak, what does my no O streak matter?" And of course, that leads to full blown PMO. The strange thing is, I can recognize my thought process as it's going on. I can literally think, "you're going to relapse." But in the moment, I don't care. If you've never experienced it, it's hard to describe. You both want and don't want it at the same time. Perhaps I'm just insane. Or have multiple personality disorder. There may be several different people living in my head...I'm screwed. Lol.

    So, I'm going to get on more regularly to be more accountable. Will it help any more than the journal I keep? Perhaps. Perhaps not. But it's worth a shot.

    Oh yeah, the insight for the day is: It all comes down to touching. If I don't touch, I am usually not tempted. It all comes down to touching. Do. Not. Touch.

    Song of the Day: U Can't Touch This (MC Hammer)
    Notable Lyrics: Lol...duh. "You can't touch this!"
     

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