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Perhaps I Bit Off More Than I Can Chew...

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by mark3478879, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. mark3478879

    mark3478879 Fapstronaut

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    I've posted in this thread before, I'm a lonely gay guy upper 40s and PMO addict. Out of relationships for 6 years and running, took anger over breakup and dealt with it badly by isolating myself, and trying to get back into life.

    Anyway, my challenge today is that a week ago I sent a heartfelt letter to another male friend, presumed straight, whom I thought was my friend at work, and came out to him. Not romantic at all, because I don't think of him that way - he's almost half my age - but that I respected and trusted him enough to tell him that I am gay. I suspect that this is turning out less than desirable, because we have yet to get together and chat about it face to face. He responded to my email a week ago by giving me a couple of back to back texts an hour later, one of which sounded supportive, and the other that I interpreted as kind of mocking. The first one said "That's Fine..." the second said "I kinda figured as much. Haha" and came a minute afterward. Anyhow, we normally go home most nights every week together and here it is thursday afterward and there has been no face to face contact between us. I have texted him several times indicating that I want to chat with him... but just excuses back. So I've concluded tonight that we're probably finished as friends.

    Anyway the negativity associated with this bad outcome is really doing a number on me and my nofap hard reboot streak that has dated back from June 6. My negative emotions are elevated right now, and I've vowed that tonight i've pinged and texted him for the last time asking to follow up with a face to face chat. I'm trying to deal emotionally with this and just need to get it out to someone what is going thru my mind right now. I'm probably headed out to a local gay bar tonight because I need some type of supportive contact no matter how superficial it may be just meeting someone new. But first I need to clean something in my house so I feel somewhat better that I'm still improving things and dealing honestly with who I am and not just pretending to be straight at work. I have a real urge to fap and PMO right now but am not allowing myself to do it. Instead I'm writing here about it before I start doing something else to take my mind off the negativity and the idea that I've allowed to creep into my mind that people who really know who I am don't really want to be with me because I'm a slob, because I'm old, because I'm not much fun in the "gay" sense, because I can't trust people, and for straight people, because I am gay. This shitty thought pattern has invaded my brain lately, and I'm trying to wash it out by seeking out meetups and going out, and trying to be friendly and act happy when I'm really fucking miserable in my brain. It's not hard to write about, but to put it in words and express it here really sets me to almost sobbing. I just want to find someone who I can honestly express some of this to who will listen, won't judge, and won't view me as clingy or damaged goods. I feel like I'm 23 again and just coming out of the closet for the first time. Only this time I'm much older and not nearly as physically appealing. Anyhow, I'm trying to deal with this as I can on my own, without therapy. I may decide later to do that though. These emotions are rather tough to deal with sans PMO.

    Anyway thanks for reading this - If any of you have any thoughts to offer I'd appreciate hearing them.
     
  2. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    I hope writing that was cathartic for you.

    Emotional repression can hurt more than emotions themselves.

    Consider writing down all of your raw emotions, no matter how bad you believe them to be. You don't have to post it. Just the act of writing them down, un-edited and un-cut, is a fantastic start when it comes to emotional healing.

    Or maybe finding a quiet space where no one can hear you, and talking it out (or maybe even screaming them out) could help. What this does is it helps you to fully feel the emotions within your body. Repressing the emotions, for whatever reason, only makes things worse.

    If you want to talk, don't hesitate to message me privately. I promise to respond as soon as possible.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  3. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry. First, if he's in his 20s, the haha maybe wasn't mocking, kids use that a lot. Secondly, it does seem as though things are akward but it doesn't mean he'll end the friendship. Also, you focus on your physical appearance. There are surely all ages and types of gay men, and I do believe there is someone for everyone!

    Personally, I think you need some counseling. (But I think pretty much anybody can benifit from counseling.) I wish I could give you a hug! (Straight wife in her early 40s.)
     
  4. mark3478879

    mark3478879 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I believe it's probably done between us as friends. I have no reason to think otherwise. And no real desire to waste time or effort figuring it out.

    That said, I am kinda done as far as him and being a friend to him. The disappointment around this is palpable and profound. However, to move forward, I just need to get beyond thinking about him with anything beyond superficial support or friendship. Honestly I cannot believe I have wasted as much time, effort, and emotion with him as I have already, because it's obvious it was definitely not reciprocated at any time. I'm allowing him to have much more power over me right now than I should allow anyone - even my deepest soulmate, because I am allowing him to fuck with my core self-concept right now. And that is so wrong. I see that I am being totally irrational by allowing this, but how can I stop feeling this way? I think the harsh self-judgments are breaking through, and I've gotta stop them. That's what I have in my baggage amongst other things. Fuck I'm never gonna find another guy who will cope with me just as I am and not want to run away, cheat on me, or worse.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2016
  5. mark3478879

    mark3478879 Fapstronaut

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    Well I tried to start a conversation with you and was told by the system that I cannot. Maybe your privacy settings are too restrictive? Anyway, I don't know how to message you privately any other way, so if you're truly serious about allowing me to engage with you privately, I guess you'll need to start a conversation with me.
     

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