I want permanent change

Thank you brother.... I am still trying.. Still there are nights when I lose myself in sexual fantasies for 10-15 mins.. I have not been able to kick out that old lazy, dirty, procrastinating and zombie (who spends most of the day in autopilot mode) lifestyle entirely.. I will be very happy the day I will...

 

AFTER 138 DAYS...

Man... Sigh.... I have had a setback... I had to M.. It was not with porn or pornographic fantasies... it was just slight touching in the bathroom and stuff came out.. But I had to do it cuz I was feeling extremely tensed. It has been nearly 5 days since I had any sort of sleep.. I felt extremely tensed like some thing is gonna burst out of me... I had 3-4 wet dream in this time period... But for the last 1 and a half months I had none.. Little sperm was coming out after urinating. I could not sleep and yet needed to attend office... Last night I tried sleeping for 5-6 hours... I just lied in my bed hesitated and frustrated... I was feeling so angry that I could get a little peaceful sleep.. It was this extreme anger that lead me to this..
I have abstained from P, M and O for all these days but I did not pay much attention to my sleeping habits and eating disorder.... From now on I should go to bed right after 2 PM just after doing a little bit of office work... I wont be able to emerge with a healthy lifestyle until I fix my daily routine..

I dont know...should this really happen if I had no sexual tension and expectation in my body? because I was having slight sexual fantasies for a few days... My be that is what caused it.. I gotta be more determined.. I did not do a full fledged M and that keeps me in the track... What I did was a mistake of a very tired mind.. From now on I have to be more discreet.. Not more sexual fantasies whatsoever... No more edging..

I do not want to call this a relapse... But it kinda is... But that does not undo all the progress I have had.. I am willing to get back up again.. I know the next few days I will feel extreme guilt and remorse for what i did... That can lead to a real relapse.. And all my urges will make me start rationalizing (you have done it now watch some porn; that sort of stuff).. That can be very harmful now... Already I feel like I have failed... I know that is just the feeling coming from the rationalization of my evil mind.... I did not fail... I have learned a valuable lesson.. My lesson is that even the slight bit of sexual fantasies can lead to extreme tension which will in turn lead to relapse or M... You have to quit fantasizing completely. Because it is like a chain.. You fantasize once then you do it again and again until it creates some huge urges.. I gotta stop touching myself completely. Not even to test if I have ED... I have spend three months getting out of porn... Now I must focus on getting out of fantasies and desires as well...

I must admit... the feeling is not good... It feels like I am a runner who was running to become first.. All the runners were behind me and I was running so fast on the track.. But suddenly other runners started passing me over.... and I feel like all the rewards are gone.. I feel like giving up and going home... But I should know that it is not about being first on the track... Its about running the whole track with determination and ferocity.. It happened to me a few times before... And every time I relapsed due to this extreme depression and guilt...But I have completed a three months reboot... I should be able to handle it.... I will adjust my counter... Please pray for me...

 

The 3rd day after a bit of step down....

I am so relieved that porn is not such a big issue anymore.. It has almost been 3 days since that incident.. I did not feel like going back to porn and cause a full relapse.. Now that I think of it, even when I think of porn, I dont get turned on that much... Let me remind you that was not the case at all a few months back... Anytime that I made a streak and fell down I always went back to porn... Although It can happen anytime... So I am staying really careful.. But looks like my brain has been unhooked from porn a bit...

But that is not stopping me from fantasizing after 20-30 days without M and O... My whole body starts craving for that sweet joy of juicing and fantasizing and even touching a little... And I am lucky if I have a wet dream... That gives me a few days of relief.. But wet dreams will stop after a while... What will I escape to then?? May be I have unhooked from the craving of porn but my body wants different bit of pleasure now...

People who go into hard mode keeps themselves off from every sort of pleasure for years... How do they do it.. After 20-30 days too much excess sexual energy starts flowing around.. How do I channel this??? Although I already know the answer to this question.. I can channel it by keeping focused and keeping busy...

Now the question is do I have enough things to do... Luckily I do.. I have a job.. I am learning graphic designing and social media marketing... I also have musical passion... I have no lack of things to do.. I just have to stay focused on these works... But thats hard and tiresome.. I always need mindless entertainment (watching mindless stuff on youtube, playing mindless games and wasting time daydreaming) for 7-8 hours a day.. This is my biggest issue now... These mindless entertainments is keeping me from becoming a mature self. And a mature man will be able to resist the craving to pleasure himself because he will find joy in the stuffs of real life...

I am still to dependent on others be it friends or family or a girl for emotional satisfactions.. I must learn to create it on my own.. and I must stop whining.. I must find joy in real, productive and fulfilling work.. Whatever work it might be.. When I will be able to find total joy in these matters of real life... these needs to pleasure the self will automatically go away..

Thanks @HitB for being by my side.. I Hope to create another big streak... And I hope you will be able to do the same man.. lets rise above this pit together...

This quote of Mohammed Ali is too awesome not to share...
"I hated every minute of training.. But I always told myself - suffer now and live the rest of your life as champion" -- Mohammed Ali..

 

Unfortunately... I fell again... Nothing to say... Willing to get back up.... Going into no computer mode again... Cant let all these progress be undone..

 

Why it happened.....

Honestly I do not know.. I was clean for a quite a long time... I just had one incident..
I was pretty shaken up by a personal matter... So I missed office for two days straight.. And then my friend (Who is the Boss at my office) yells at me over the phone.. And after that I was feeling very angry... Then I came across a triggering material on facebook... And most possibly it was Witcher 3 (Blood and wine) that damn game... It contain too many triggering materials. And then after 5 months I suddenly decided to look at porn.. I felt absolutely no restrain or struggle... and then I did it.. My sexual fantasies, two lazy days, boss yelling and triggers all worked together... But it was entirely me... It was not some urge leading me to do it.. It was my decision.. My brain was hijacked for that time and suddenly I failed to remember that I have been struggling for 5 months to achieve this... I know ... shame on me...

But I dont think all those progress I made has turned to dust.. restraining muscles I developed will still work... I have created some new habits... I am hoping those will work..
Today I attended office.. And I feel very silly about yesterday.. I know after a few hours or few days when my energy bar will refill I will really really want to do it again.... I know no matter how much I talk of restraining now, it does not matter.. But when I am full of energy that's the time that will count... I do not know what will happen... Lets see...

The best solution would be to not to start my computer for a week or two... But I do have to use PC's at my office and do some work from my home as well... But I will do nothing else ... No facebook or additional browsing or youtube.... I will work on my singing as much as possible and keep myself busy all the time for the next few days..

 

Hello.... I have binge M'd and watched porn... Have been doing it once everyday for the last 4 days.. I have gone back to my old self.. I really really feel like a shit person.. specially after writing all those big things... I dont wanna talk about it.... 138 days guys.... more than the normal reboot time.. and still I fall like a house of card.... Although there is a big reason behind this... I recently suffered a loss of death of someone I cared for a lot... I cried and prayed for a few days... But my logic and determination got messed up... And I choose escape.... I believe that's why this happen. I could be wrong though... I am mourning the loss of someone by watching porn... How pathetic am I? How foggy and messed up my internal logic has become... I throw away my 5 months streak in a matter of minute.. How careless have I become??


I could talk about this all day long but I dont want to.. I wanna stop it... My healthy mindset is still intact.. Gotta utilize it before porn messes up my life again.... I will be reporting every 3-4 hours in here about my condition and mindset... If I should M I must write about it here.....

Report Day 0 Time 2:00 AM

I have just M ed so I am pretty energetic about quitting porn right now... I know this will fade pretty soon.. I still dont feel drained ... But only an hour ago I was practicing my music.. But Now the will the touch my guitar is gone... Now I will go and watch 1 or 2 Mark Queppet's video... Then I will practice music for an Hour... Then I must go to sleep.... I will make another report Before I go to sleep.. Good night..

 

Report Day 0 Time 4: 00 AM

I have done as I said.... I have watched the Video About truth Mindset..... I will watch a few more videos about self deception.. And then I will go to sleep... Got office tomorrow and 11 am.
I feel pretty sleepy.. After a long time.. I could sleep at all during the last days of my streak... I know it was my fault.. I did not fill the requirements for a lifestyle change...
I also feel less determined then I was feeling two hours ago... I fear this determination will fade bu tomorrow night.... I surely wish that does not happen.. I will report again at 12 PM..Good night..

 

@Toshiro

True ..... I have become a mindless zombie... The big reason is I am not being able to properly analyze and reason things.... Otherwise why would someone throw away a 5 months NOFAP streak.... But I am trying to get a grip.....

Death is hard to deal with.... I know its really pathetic.. But it did happen.... Pray for me..

 

Report Day 0 Time 12:30 PM

Its 30 mins late.. But I am doing ok still..... Although my determination to NoFap is getting lighter every hour... I do not know whats gonna happen tonight....
But I have a new inspiration now... I will be completely honest with myself... No more self deception... I will learn about how mind tends to self deceive and gets lost in rationality...

The night will be the hardest time to pass.... I must plan the entire night tonight.... And keep to my plan...

Right now I feel good... Trying to concentrate on work... I will watch a few videos now..

I will report again at 6 PM ...

 

Report Day 0 Time 7:45 PM

I came home few hours ago... The next 7-8 hours are gonna be the hardest.... But I must make it through...
I am trying to get a bit of sleep now... And then I will focus on my music practice and watching some videos about self deceptive patterns..
I am trying to learn why am I making these obvious mistakes? Why does my brain go into deceptive mode sometimes when it forgets and ignores all the reason? Is it because I am living inside a cloud of illusions and false logic? is it some kind of mental deformity? And many such things... Hopefully they will keep me busy tonight...

Even if I do go to M i will write about it here first.... I will report back after a few hours.

 

Report Day 0 Time 12:00 AM

Its good ..... My determination is still intact... I am just trying to learn what made me throw away my 5 months of streak... Why such an impulsive behavior took over me.... How can I stop this from happening again...

Right now I feel good... Playing a game currently .... and i intent to keep myself busy... I will write again before I go to sleep...

 

Report Day 1 Time 3:25 AM

Survived day one.... The day went well... Although I am feeling a beet headache and drained as I did not have good dopamine flow in my brain.. But It should be back to normal within a few days.. Tomorrow I will pass the day with same determination....

I realize you gotta look at the bigger picture... You cant just try to quit porn.. you gotta try to be a better person... Right now all I want to do is to get out of self deceptive patterns that causes me to lose all reasons and throw everything away.. I realize my life is messed up... But I must change it from now on...

Going to sleep now.. I will report at 12 pm again...

 

Report Day 1 Time 12:30 PM

at work now... I still have that headache and a slight bit of cold... I am sure that happened for the slight change I have gone through.... Other then that my determination is intact... I dont how my mindset will be after noon... I getting sick and tired of these zombie mood swings...

I realize you gotta stop all kinds of self deceptive behaviors.. I am like a zombie who's mind is in a autopilot mode, who is stuck in cycles of eating disorder, sleeping disorder, computer addiction, addiction to mind numbing shits, addiction to unrealistic fascinations, laziness and PMO... I have erased drug addiction, smoking from this list... But still, I realize you can not hope to erase one and be ok with the rest... So just by quitting PMO you cant hope to be ok... you gotta shift your entire mindset... this chain of addictions and disorders all come from the same source... wrong interpretation of the intuition....

Instead of using our suffering to struggle and create something of value we go into a self destructive pattern....

I will report back after work...