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As Free Men (Journal)

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by HitB, Feb 22, 2016.

  1. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Purpose
    Been having a hard time getting out of the single digits since relapsing after my one long-ish streak that ended February 6th.

    So, I’m starting this journal. It will help me continually reassess my progress and stay on track.

    Intro
    I’ve struggled with PMO for years. Got super serious about quitting January 2015 (more than my typical “I’m going to quit…eventually” attitude that I’ve had since starting PMO). Found some helpful articles online. Had some small streaks. Never more than 6 days. Found this community and learned about the detriments of edging. Had a 12 day streak. Then, I actually created a NoFap account around New Year 2016. Had a 37 day streak (not without some bouts of edging…though the fact that I did not look at P or M to O for 37 days was quite a feat for me). I didn’t experience many of the superpowers that supposedly accompany this challenge. Perhaps I didn’t have a long enough streak.
    However, what I did feel, what I did experience, was a slight boost in confidence. For once in my life, I felt like I was in control of myself. I ruled my body instead of my body ruling me. And that felt pretty damn awesome.

    Had you told me a year ago that any man could live a life without PMO, I would have laughed. I would have conceded that a life without P may be possible, but a life without MO? That’s a joke.
    But then I found this community. I experienced some successes myself. I realized it was possible.
    And if I could do what I once thought was impossible, what else was possible? What have I been holding myself back from? Have I been unintentionally limiting myself?

    As children, we are told that it is what is on the inside that matters most. Chasing inner beauty is a worthwhile pursuit. Problem is, this is not what I’ve experienced as an adult. It seems like everyone is putting stock into their outer beauty and ignoring their inner selves (regrettably, myself included). I’m tired of not living by the lessons I learned as a youth. Your personality and character define you, not the sack of blood and bones you call a body. I want to build my character. I want to practice a life of virtue. Self-discipline and self-control is my first order of business. Going to try and tackle those first.

    Motivation
    · I want more. More victory.
    · I want to stop living by the “water principle”—I want to stop taking the path of least resistance (stop giving in).
    · I want to function without dependency—I want to be FREE. No more addiction.

    Lessons Learned Thus Far
    · Old memories die hard.
    · P-subs suck. Edging sucks worse.
    · Don’t entertain PMO related thoughts. They will lead to PMO. Fanaticizing goes nowhere productive and is detrimental to recovery. Still learning how to master this…
    · Can you keep a part of your addiction (P or MO)? Yes…but it will make things more difficult, not less (in my experience, anyway).

    Method I Will Follow
    · No edging, no fantasizing. Edging merits a reset.
    · Meditation every morning. Sixth Tibetan Rite every evening before bed.
    · Journal—it tells my brain, “This is important. This matters. FOCUS.”
    · Exercise. At least some physical activity each day. Weights. Cardio. Flexibility. The whole gambit.
    · Read success stories or write on this thread when faced with temptation.
    · Post on threads of others instead of just reading them (at least a few times each week). It’s a community for a reason. I need to be a part of it. I am confident I will get out what I put in. With each person encouraging another, all can be successful.

    Song of the day: Free Will Sacrifice (Amon Amarth)
    Notable Lyrics: “As free men we are born, and FREE we shall die.”

    Any suggestions for a successful recovery are more than welcome—they are encouraged. Thanks!
     
    Sven311 likes this.
  2. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 5-Welcome to the Gutter

    Edged today. P-subs and all. In reflecting on it, it went something like this:

    Brain: You should just look at some nice pictures of pretty girls. You don't have to touch yourself or anything...
    Me: Okay.
    Brain: Hey, look! There's some racy photos. You should touch yourself.
    Me: Okay.
    (a little while later)
    Me: DAMN IT. STOP!!!!

    Foolish decision, I know. It only lasted about 10-15 minutes. But it was enough. Fortunately, I was able to stop myself before the whole M to O.

    It's been a rough week. Been feeling low. Probably withdrawal symptoms. This reset didn't help. It wasn't worth it. You know that place between the high road and the sewer? Yeah...that place. Welcome to the gutter.

    To be honest, I haven't been keeping to my plan. So it's time to get back on the band wagon and get down to business. Need to actually start meditating and journaling instead of just saying I will. However, I don't plan on continuing to read NoFap Success Stories. I find them triggering.

    Time to press forward. Looking forward to starting Day 1 tomorrow.

    Song of the day: Margaritaville (Jimmy Buffet)
    Notable Lyrics: "Some people think that there's a woman to blame, but I know...it's my own damn fault."
     
  3. BoIsHappy

    BoIsHappy Fapstronaut

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    You're doing great, man! Remember also not to be hard on yourself when things go wrong! Good luck!!!

    Bo
     
    HitB likes this.
  4. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    @BoIsHappy Thanks, Bo! I appreciate it!

    Day 1-Stress Vs. Boredom


    Sooooo....back to Day 1. I edged some more yesterday (no P or O). It sucked. But it also had it's benefits. I learned that I usually edge when stressed or bored. Stress is easy to overcome because exercise is a good way to combat stressful feelings. So if I'm stressed, I can exercise. Boredom is a little more difficult, especially if I can't escape the boring situation. I can occupy my time easy enough. But having to force myself to read a textbook? Holy crap. Shoot me in the face.

    When I'm in a boring situation (such as reading or studying), my hand can sometimes wander down my pants. Which isn't good and doesn't lead anywhere productive. I think I'm going to try studying and reading while standing or walking instead of sitting or lying down. Hoping that helps. Gotta keep moving, y'know?

    Song of the day: Move (Thousand Foot Krutch)
    Notable lyrics: "Move when you just can't take it, and move if you just feel like breaking it."
     
    Sven311 likes this.
  5. i will tell you one thing. Edging is masturbation. You masturbate, and then you orgasm. Would you not call edging masturbation? Now that you think about it. I hope you will think of edging as nothing good. The thing about PM is that the orgasm is just the topping, the whole masturbating/edging and the novelty are the main problems. So edging is just plain and simple masturbation
     
    Sven311 and HitB like this.
  6. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    @larrystanke I consider edging a form of M. And, like you, I do not consider it to be a good thing. But I believe that learning from mistakes is the only way out of this mess. And I am still learning...as much as I wish that I were on the other side (the successful side) of the fence. Thanks for your input. I appreciate it!

    Day 0-The Chaser

    Relapsed late last night...actually super early this morning, if we are being technical. PMO. Really disappointed and frustrated with myself. I thought I was over P. It just shows that you should never let your guard down. "It's not the hardest punch that knocks you out...no, not the hardest...it's the punch that you don't see coming that'll do it."

    I can't believe how illogical I become after a period of no O (about 14 days, I think...obvious edging issues throughout, though). I have a problem not clicking on some of the Psub-like click bait that advertisers put as advertisements on certain websites. And when you're not on a very high day count, it's hard not to justify your actions. "Oh, this won't matter. You're only on Day [insert day here], so why not start over on Day 1? It won't matter." The Chaser.

    But each and every day matters. I need to remember that.

    And I think I fell for P instead of simply stopping at a P-Sub because I was arrogant and curious. I wanted to see if I could watch without totally relapsing. I had fallen for a P-sub early yesterday afternoon, so I was going to have to start on Day 1 anyway. I figured that I might as well see if I had made any progress in regards to P. Again, faulty logic.

    I'm not used to the extreme sexual frustration that accompanies this challenge. And I seem to have an easy time convincing myself to do stupid things that should be easy to recognize will lead to a relapse.

    Lessons learned:
    For the sake of my successful recovery--
    P-subs = P. I need to avoid them the same way that I would avoid P.
    Do not get on the computer late at night. Nothing good happens after 11PM. Just go to bed or do something else that is constructive and does not require the computer.

    Song of the day: Jane Says (Jane's Addiction)
    Notable lyrics: "Gonna start tomorrow...I'm gonna kick tomorrow..."
     
  7. agree its a life lesson. I Wish my message didn't look like a criticism, because it was not supposed to. Do what you have to do. You will succeed someday :)
     
  8. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    @larrystanke Don't worry about it. I didn't take it as a criticism--I understood the good intentions behind the message. And I do sincerely appreciate the feedback!

    Day 0-Relapse Report #2

    I'm embarrassed to even have to write this, but I want my journal to reflect my journey.

    I relapsed again. Second time today. I stupidly let go of the steering wheel and let my body tell me what to do. Foolish.

    Time to get back to basics. Thought I was past the training wheel stage, but apparently I am not.

    New strategy:
    Check in with myself every waking hour ("Do you want to be a winner this hour?") instead of each day (more checkpoints=less likely to relapse)
    Make a to-do list each day to occupy my time so I can keep my mind from thoughts of PMO

    New song of the day: Helmet in the Bush (KoRn)
    Notable lyrics: "I keep asking, 'Can you please try?'"
     
  9. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 4-Never Forget: Progress is Being Made

    So, I relapsed a third time on March 4th. I didn't do a write up because I was considering deleting my NoFap account. Sometimes success feels like too far of a stretch, something that is forever out of your reach. And sadly...giving up is easy.

    But I looked at my journal that I've kept over the last year, and I saw how much progress I've made. It was undeniable that I had made progress. 36 times last July to 3 times last month. Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture when you are drowning in your own failure. I still struggle with P-subs and edging (and PMO...obviously), but I'm trying. And that's what matters. Effort always matters.

    In short, it is important to know that progress is being made, whether you feel it or not. It takes time.

    I am ashamed of my 3 times in one day stint. I will use it as motivation.

    PMO is something I want to conquer in my life. So, I will carry on.

    I applaud the rest of you who are still marching forward. Don't give up. You are my inspiration.

    Song of the Day: Carry On (Fun)
    Notable Lyrics:
    "If you're lost and alone
    or you're sinking like a stone,
    Carry on.
    May your past be the sound
    of your feet upon the ground.
    Carry on."
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2016
  10. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 8-That's No Longer Me

    Been doing pretty good. Not a lot of urges. But that's probably because I've had a couple of wet dreams in the last week. Which is weird...

    I mean, before starting NoFap, I hadn't had a wet dream in a LONG time. Then, after starting, I've been having about two a month, or so it seems. These last two wet dreams were pretty close together (within a few nights of each other). I don't remember any sexual content, though. But that's not saying much--I usually don't remember the content of my dreams. I just know that my dreams have been getting weirder as time passes. I wake up and go to the bathroom after waking from a weird dream. Then, I go back to sleep and forget about what the dream was about. But I remember the weird feeling. I should probably write my dreams down, but I don't want to turn on a light....I just want to go back to bed....

    Anyway, I stupidly made reference to NoFap to a friend of mine. That wasn't taken well. When you admit an addiction, people tend to see you differently. And that made me feel bad about myself. I wanted to say, "That's no longer me! I'm not that person anymore!" But, in truth, I still struggle. I wish I could meet people's expectations. I wish I wasn't flawed. I wish people could understand the struggle.

    That look of disgust and disappointment, of withdrawal and repulsion....I learned my lesson.

    I'm trying to change. But that doesn't take the sting out of my past...or the condescending eyes of others.

    Song of the Day: Sugar High (Empire Records)
    Notable Lyrics:
    "Sometimes reputations outlive their applications.
    Sometimes fires don't go out...when you're done playing with them.
    I feel so funny deep inside...
    I want to kiss myself good-bye.
    Sugar High."
     
  11. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 16-Trading Addictions

    Here we are again. Life gets really depressing when you take away the method you used to use as an escape. And, well...I feel empty inside. A couple of days ago, I felt so low that I felt like vomiting. But that's probably because I saw some severely triggering scenes in a movie. Ugh...trying to resist PMO is getting really annoying.

    It's difficult staying focused on what you need to get done when all you can think about is urges.

    Sooooo...I've foolishly been trading addictions, engaging in worthless pursuits in an attempt to prevent myself from PMO. I've been wasting a lot of time doing anything that will give me some sort of pleasant feeling outside of PMO. Nothing really compares, and my brain is constantly looking for that "next best thing" since it can't have PMO. It's starting to feel like PMO was my only "happiness." But I know that's not true. It's just the depression talking.

    My avoidance tactics aren't helpful. I know that I'm just avoiding tackling life head on. But it's incredibly difficult to hold your feet to the fire.

    I need to start making productive choices and start acting on worthwhile endeavors.

    It's difficult. But I'm going to try. Because life is really starting to suck. And I need to make some adjustments if I hope to rise above the emptiness.

    Song of the Day: You Can't Always Get What You Want (Rolling Stones)
    Notable Lyrics: "You can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes...well, you just might find...you get what you need."
     
  12. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 1-Pressing On

    It's been a little while.

    So, they day after my last post, I relapsed. No P, just straight up MO. In the time preceding the relapse, I was going through a period of clouded judgement. For some reason, I was very angry and couldn't think of a good reason for continuing NoFap. I don't have a poor outlook on women, so NoFap isn't benefiting me that way. I don't experience awesome "superpowers" when I get a decent sized streak (e.g. attention from girls, deeper voice, less anxiety, more confidence, physical prowess, etc., etc.). In fact, NoFap seemed like a ginormous waste of time and energy. The amount of effort to keep myself from PMO was substantial and was taking just as much time and energy as actually engaging in PMO. In fact, it would have been faster to just engage in PMO and move on with life.

    At that point in time, NoFap seemed like a dumb form of masochism. There seemed to be no benefit in continuing my streak. I had a lot of frustration and surrendered easily.

    I became more level-headed shortly after the relapse. My negative emotions subsided. I was able to focus on the positive (the fact that I had completed my longest edge-free streak since starting NoFap) and continue the journey. I went about nine more days without incident.

    In the early morning yesterday, I had a wet dream. The only reason I am resetting my counter is because I felt like I could have avoided it. I was in that state where one becomes conscious that he or she is in a dream and can choose to continue to stay in the dream or decide to leave it and wake up. I chose to stay in it and kept watching. It was a weird dream that consisted of no sexual intercourse. There was some nudity, but that was all. For the sake of keeping this post trigger-free, I won't go into the details.

    So, here we are, back at Day 1.

    I feel like I am experiencing fewer fantasies and urges these days. Or at least I am able to curb some of the urges with sheer force of will. So that's a positive.

    Still trying to keep myself from fantasizing and edging. I still struggle at times, but I feel like I've gained at least a little more strength and control in doing so.

    I'm pressing on.

    Song of the Day: Pressing On (Relient K)
    Notable Lyrics: "To go back to where I was would just be wrong...I'm pressing on."
     
    Sven311 likes this.
  13. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 1-P-subs Still Suck

    Have to reset due to some foolish decisions yesterday. P-subs led to some edging. But on the positive side, I caught myself before it went too far. I feel like I've at least made some progress in that area. I feel like I would have M'ed all the way to O a few months ago had I been presented with the same situation then.

    I still struggle with some of the advertisements and click-bait material on certain websites. I've decided that I will either:

    A) Not visit the sites with these P-sub-like tabs, or
    B) Only visit the sites knowing that I will not click on the aforementioned tabs.

    Awareness is the first step. Now on to the execution....

    Song of the Day: Bleeding Me (Metallica)
    Notable Lyrics:
    "I'm diggin' my way
    I'm diggin' my way to something
    I'm diggin' my way to something better

    I'm pushin' to stay
    I'm pushin' to stay with something
    I'm pushin' to stay with something better.

    ...I take the leash that's leading me"
     
  14. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 1-Back to Basics

    I should probably journal on here more. The thing is, I don't really think about getting on NoFap unless I've relapsed or someone has responded to a post of mine and I receive an email notification. It's probably a bad way of doing things. Seeing a string of Day 1's on my journal is kind of depressing, and it doesn't reflect some of the successes I've had. I mean, obviously I still have a long way to go, but I've also come a relatively long way as well.

    Over the last several days, I've been faced with strong urges and been able to ignore them. Not easy, but still able to resist. This is something that I haven't been able to do in the past. When I ended the day after withstanding the urge, it felt awesome. It felt like a huge success. I felt like I was hitting my stride.

    However, I relapsed yesterday. P-subs again. Unfortunately, they led to full fledged PMO. After reading my last post, I've decided that it would be wise to stop visiting sites that have P-sub-like advertisements. Or does anyone know how to turn off those advertisements? I should probably just learn to not give in to them...

    Actually, speaking of which, I realized that I have some faulty thinking when I see P-sub-like content. Usually, I can control myself and not click on it (at least for around 10 days). But then I get around Day 10 and I for some reason start to think that clicking on the advertisement will both satisfy my curiosity and relieve the urge to PMO. But that's obviously foolish. It will satisfy my curiosity sure enough, but it sure as heck won't relieve the urge to PMO. It will only make it worse. It's like trying to put out a fire with lighter fluid. Not the best decision. But I'm glad I've recognized the faulty thinking. This should help in future cases.

    It's time to move along.

    P.S. I'll try to check in more often.

    Song of the Day: Move Along (The All-American Rejects)
    Notable Lyrics: "And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along just to make it through."
     
  15. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    Day 0-Give in a Little, Give in a Lot

    So, I haven't been keeping to my plan of action for the past few weeks...it's been rough, but I won't make excuses. Strength comes in standing strong despite negative life circumstances.

    And I haven't remained strong.

    I haven't been exercising. I haven't been meditating. I haven't been helping to build the net that keeps my fellow man from falling.

    I have engaged in PMO two more times since last post. I can't seem to get back in the game.

    I'm exhausted of this challenge. I'm going on hiatus. See you on the other side.

    Song of the Day: Down with the Sickness (Disturbed)
    Notable Lyrics:
    "Drowning deep in my sea of loathing,
    Broken your servant I kneel
    (Will you give in to me?)
    It seems what's left of my human side
    Is slowly changing in me
    (Will you give in to me?)"
     
  16. Sven311

    Sven311 Fapstronaut

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    Whats up dude!!..
    First thing I should tell you is that you choice of music is absolutely awesome... :) I wish we could have met in different circumstances..

    You sound like a pretty stand up guy.. Someone who has good focus and principals... (I have extremely poor control over my mind and focus)....

    But on my journey I realized that you gotta have a very strong determination to quit PMO... Suppose you are gonna touch a very hot plate.... If before touching you try to imagine the heat on your fingers and feel it on your mind then you can probably touch it and even move it from the oven... But if you poor idea of how hot it might be then you will probably fail...... (Sorry I could not come up with any better example).. The point is a lot depends on you preparation.. You know how to meditate.. mediate and picture an entire month of struggle before you.. picture every worst case scenarios.. Imagine extreme depressions... You know the the pitfalls.... You learn from your mistakes very well.. I am sure you will be able to reach your goals..

    We have been going through all kinds of pleasure all our lives.. We will get many pleasures in the future as well.. So how hard is it gonna be to let go of pleasure for 5-6 months?? Come on man.. lets Rise up above this Dark Pit together..

    3 months ago I too was struggling like you... Nothing was working... even My willpower was exhausted.. But then I gained some fresh new perspectives.... Luckily I found Mark Queppet's video's..... I do not know if you have seen his videos or not but he has got to be the most amazing guy on the planet.. He is the co-founder of NoFap academy... (I only signed up for NoFap Academy's free videos) ... He has a youtube channel called "Sacred Sexuality Project" .......Trust me I am not trying to promote this guy... but he cleared me of a lot of misconceptions.. I learned some very amazing and practical concepts and theories about how to quit porn. And I obeyed him word to word...

    I Watched the "your brain re balanced" talk shows on you tube hour after hour... I watched many videos by Mark queppet, Alexander Rhodes, Gary wilson, Noah B.E. Church, Gabe Deem and some more..... These guys are real winners and run many awesome channels and sites(look them up)... their words are very practical and helpful.... I learned a lot...

    I was watching and listening to them during sleep and after sleep and almost all the while... I was watching all these stuff and falling asleep.. I also quit computer for 2 months.. I am a PC addict too... but I did not run my PC very much during the first 50 days.. I watched the videos on my Cellphone... Almost every free time I had I was getting drunk on these people... I did not play games this 50 days... I did go to any sites(not even facebook) ... Did not even listen music.... All my thought was on quitting porn... (Because I knew the moment I stopped .. my will power will stop becoming lighter.... )

    Although a did have a part time Job... I learned quitting porn was not a one way road... Its like filling up a water tank... You gotta remove the poisonous water fill it up with fresh new water.. Luckily I had a Job... You too should get some fresh new habits.. Quitting porn is about creating a new lifestyle... It will hurt.. but every time it hurts and you dont give in you reach a new level.. And trust me once you abstain for 2 months .. Fighting with urges become real easy.. (I still have all the urges... But I have much power over them)

    I am rooting for you man.... You are awesome... I know you can do this...
     
    HitB likes this.
  17. Sven311

    Sven311 Fapstronaut

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    I know I just said a lot of big words... But I am not out of the woods at all.... I just said these things to give you slight bit of motivation.... Just do what it takes to get back on the track.. Getting some fresh perspectives help....

    You inspired me a lot in the very beginning of my journey... I truly hope you will be able to slay this demon once and for all... I will too... No matter what ....
     
    HitB likes this.
  18. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    @Sven311 Thanks! I appreciate the encouragement!

    Day 1-Reborn

    It would be a lie to say that the hiatus went well. The beginning was, of course, brutal. The end started looking positive.

    The problem with this addiction is the fact that it is either embraced or despised. There is very little middle-ground. Social support--outside of online forums--is hard to come by.

    If you share the addiction with those that embrace it, they look down on you for trying to fight it.

    If you share the addiction with those that despise it, they will look down on you for having succumbed to it.

    But I've come to realize the importance of social support.

    The struggle is real. Keep fighting. I'm ashamed that I even "needed" to take a hiatus.

    Song of the Day: I'm So Sick (Flyleaf)
    Notable Lyrics: "Let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness, I'M SO SICK."
     
  19. Sven311

    Sven311 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, true... There is not much support about it... I was not able to tell anyone about this addiction except the people in NoFap... Its hard but it can be done.. May be someday people will talk about these matter with ease...

    The most important thing to do is to make peace with your mind... Your mind is conflicted... some of it wants to give in.. some of it wants to resist.. It is this conflict that makes abstaining from porn so difficult.. The part that wants to give in becomes stronger after abstaining for some time... It creates those extreme urges... and an extreme conflict arises inside our mind.. And we relapse to find ease of mind and escape the conflict more then we do it for physical needs... And this conflict is only amplified by our extreme ambitions, expectations and desires.. Make no mistake, Determination is of course necessary but these dreamlike ambitions can create problem sometimes.. We tend to think that quitting PMO is a huge deal and a miraculous matter.... But when it is a very natural lifestyle that all healthy men in the world are part of..

    You gotta take this quitting PMO very naturally ... Its not a big deal... its very natural and no grown healthy man should have this habit... just focus on creating some new hobbies and a new lifestyle.. You will have less time to fight with your mind.. Say NO to your mind.. But dont say it too strongly cuz then your mind will become your enemy and make you fall after some time.. Learn to trick your mind in the moments of extreme urge.. trick it into liking something else to do and forgetting about PMO.. Its a mental muscle that can be developed by meditating.. All addicts lack this muscle (Frontal Lobe) ... But after you spend 2-3 months without PMO it will greatly improve. It happened to me..

    One thing I have learned while I was trying to quit smoking that most people (Like I was) are hypnotized by the idea that Quitting smoking is very hard.. The expectation keeps them from quitting.. Same thing here.. To give up something you gotta quit that lifestyle and everything associated with it and replace it with something different, better and find joy in it.. And you gotta be relaxed while doing it.. So Make peace with your mind..

    I am rooting for you man.. and please stick with the winners.. On youtube there are channels of Noah B. E. church, Gabe Deem, Mark queppet who have all successfully quit PMO... pick up some vibrations from them... it really helps..
     
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2016
    HitB likes this.
  20. HitB

    HitB Fapstronaut

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    @Sven311 Wise words. I'll stick with you. You seem like a winner :)

    Day 1-Lost Ground


    It's amazing how much ground you lose when you start giving in to your desires. The brain truly is a lying bastard (https://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/comments/1uctdw/the_14_step_program_for_nofap/).

    Let's try this again, shall we?

    Song of the Day: Battlefield (Blind Guardian)
    Notable Lyrics:
    "There on the battlefield he stands
    Down on the battlefield he's lost
    And on the battlefield it ends."
     

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