I want permanent change

So yeah...Like many this is like 5th or 6th time I am posting a thread on NoFap.. I have tried to quit porn a million time... But the best I got was 30 days... I have tried so many times that now trying to quit has become a very light matter for me. I dont want that anymore....

I now clearly see that porn addiction has taken hold in a very deep level of my mind. There are many many behavioral problems I am suffering from now... I am only learning of these affects of porn addiction from the videos on yoututbe..

You wanna know what I did in life? .. I failed miserably in every aspect of my life. I failed to graduate from university. May be it was not for my porn addiction directly. But it happened because I could not let go. I did not study hard cuz I was chasing this girl. There was a girl who did not want me very much. But I could not accept the simple fact that she did not .. I do not know why.. I am good looking guy and there were plenty of girls out there. Was it for my ego? I honestly dont know. And she was not that good looking either. I think on some level I believe that I dont deserve to be with a girl. I subconsciously believe I should be rejected by every girl out there. And thats why I need constant attention from a girl. Like she should constantly assure me what a great guy I am or she should not be able to spend 1 or 2 days without talking to me... What is wrong with me...

I know this points to narcissistic behavior but I am never like that with guys or family members. Why do I act like that with girls? I feel like all me life I have been sabotaging my every relationship with every girls. Why is this happening? Why am I so insecure on deep level? Any expert advise?

Even when I was very young I would spend nights fantasizing about girls and relation. There was no porn back then. But I think those fantasies led me to this situation. And After I found porn and other things I never passed more then a week without PMO.

Aside from that I can not concentrate on work. My mood swings are crazy. My job is in jeopardy because every now and then I am missing office. Acting weird around a girl that occasionally talks to me(yet I feel very angry if sometimes she simply dont feel like talking)..

I dont know how much of these problems are related with porn addiction or messed up sexuality. But I wanna learn.. I wanna be a part of the community that really want to quit porn...

Already I have learned a few things from Mark queppet's videos. I wanna learn more. I now understand I need to make a lifestyle change to quit these habit. I want to learn more.. Please help me.. I will do everything to quit this..

I feel like most of my life I have lived with a monster inside my mind.. I am aware of that monster now. Now I wanna learn more about it.. Learn of its weaknesses and kill it once and for all no matter how hard it might be.. Thanks for reading.. Help me please...

 

Thanks man... I will check these out...

Its been almost a week now... Last night was absolute hell. I felt so depressed like something was eating me alive. That feeling when you wanna tear yourself apart for even the slightest bit of joy. But there was none to be found. But this time I am prepared for everything thats on my way.. And I will not fall this time

I am a person who has overcame powerful drug addiction. I was addicted to sleeping pills for a long time (and trust me there are some sleeping pills that can be extremely addictive). I also successfully quit smoking(That was another tough one). I almost became addicted to weed. But I ended it before it begun. But this addiction to PMO is the hardest thing I ever faced.

Sometimes I think why do I get addicted to things so easily? Why do I crave so much surge dopamine in my brain? What makes me different than a normal man? I remember that from childhood I needed too much of everything. Where is this coming from? Is it not a little bit of narcissistic pattern? I dont know. Is it some kind of misconception sitting in my subconscious like a demon? I think it is.. I would also like to think that its curable. I dont want to know that I will die like this.

My porn addiction is certainly coming from a certain kind of weakness towards girls. For some reason I cant act normal with a girl. I am always feeling nervous in front of a girl(Since I hit my puberty). Why? I remember I used fantasize about girls when I was young. But I was always afraid to go and talk to a girl. Thats when I found porn or other seductive videos for pleasure. I think they helped me escape my inability to go and meet a girl like a normal person. I think this happened to a lot of young boys while they were young. But most of them took the next step and go meet girls. But it never really happened to me. I was lost in a world of fantasy. When girls came to meet me I acted so awkward that I chased them away. And that in turn made me more confidence less and lonely. Even at this age of 30 I act weird around girls. I never had a successful relationship. I think it is because I could not be natural with a girl. What is my problem? Whatever it is it led me to PMO addiction. An addiction that I have entertained for a long long time. May be for a little while I only created a few new addictions. I overcame them... And now its time for me to overcome PMO.

The problem is I do not remember most of my childhood. But there must be something this is happening for. I would like to enter deep into my subconscious and see whats causing this.

 

Here I am. Back again to NoFap.... And I am quite surprized to see that Its been 27 days already... I do not want to count.. I had a bad experience on keeping count. After 1 month of NoFap I started feeling kinda proud. So I fell. I do not want that to be the case this time.. I dont come to NoFap very often now..

Although I had a wet dream last night. I know it is supposed to happen.. But I kinda feel weak. Not very weak but all that inspiration of leaving PMO behind is feeling kinda light. I dont know why.

Mark queppet's videos are absolutely amazing. They taught me entirely new views on life.. I am trying fill my life with fulfilling and behaviors and let go of escape mentality. I see a lot of change. My energy level has gone up. (Although not as high as it once used to be). But I can now concentrate on my office work with ease. Still sometimes I feel like escaping work to pleasure. But I feel more power behind keeping on track. I feel a lot more confident about girls. How do I know? well, there was a girl behaving badly with me for a long time... Even after all the harsh attitudes the girl gave me I always went back to her before. It was like I needed her company to be alive, to feel good about myself. But horray that is no longer the case.. Its been a lot of days that I have not called her. Its certainly a great sign that my self worth has been re-established.

But I still to find out the root of all my problems.. Why I get hooked so easily.. Why I always seek the best pleasure. Why I act like a person who must constantly need attention and pleasure.

I will start writing more regularly once I become more strong. Previously I had relapsed after a few days of having the wet dream. I do not want to be the case this time.. Right now my brain is like "you had the wet dream.... its done for. just go watch porn.." ... I must not fall for that this time... C ya

 

Thanks for keeping track on me Brother... @HitB ... There is saying in Narcotics Anonymous it is "Stick with the winners". And I intend to do just that. Although I do not come here very often to read your post but let some more days pass. I will certainly start responding to other people.

I am doing good. But the urges are getting a bit stronger. But I perfectly understand that I have to get habituated with these discomforts until they go away completely.

There is term called "Autopilot" explained quite a few times by Mark Queppet. A state of very low consciousness where you just do what your emotions lead you to. But I am beginning to realize that I have been totally submerged in this state for 5-6 years now. May be even since before that. I think I went into this state when I got rejected by that girl back in university. And that when all my addictions took over me. Thats understandable. I felt sever mental trauma at that time.

I do not know yet but I think a lot of other damages happened during that time...

1. I went into a very low awareness and consciousness
2. Very simple things felt impossible to me.
3. I was making many many irrational and illogical decisions (Like Leaving studies before it was finished)
4. I was becoming addicted to things (First sleeping pills then food then porn)
5. I was losing sight of reality...

I am trying to get out of this autopilot thing. I am trying to stay conscious all the time. But its really really hard. After a few moments (10 mins, an hour) you just want to give up and return to the drunk world of thoughts. I am trying mindfulness meditation. But still it feels really hard. But this time I will not hold back.

It has been almost 3 years since I quit Drugs. And about 40 days since I quit porn.. But I still feel like my energies are being severely blocked. For example I am a musician. Long ago when I used to do music I could create new music (decent ones) with ease. But now I can't do it.. Although that is not for lack of trying. But to do good music only comes from inside. And I feel like it is not coming like it used to. And thats just an example. The same thing is happening with everything. I am not being able to funny, I cant do awesome things in my job(like everyone else does). I do not know how to regain my true potential.

What is wrong with me? is there any scientific term for my case?

I just closed my facebook. I cant see all those happy people. I want to be happy. I want to be normal and to be able to feel this awesome world.

 

74 days....

I am still having urges. I think my flatline is over now. I feel a dire need to touch myself. I dont know why this is happening after 74 days.. Is it supposed to happen? Or is it my goal and vision is losing importance in my mind.

I have had this urge to touch myself and get lost in sexual fantasy since I hit puberty. I was able to stay away from it for the last 70 days. But now its kinda back again. Although I am trying not to listen to these urges but I can see its there.. I dont know how long these urges and sexual fantasies will stay..

I wish I could erase the roots of these thoughts from my subconscious. But how can I remove something if I dont know where and why it is there in the first place. It is really painful. I want to be like other normal people. I dont want to spend half my life worshiping my sexual desires and my penis.

I am trying to be busy all the time. But I cant sleep at night. I have been almost sleepless ever since I quit PMO.. I know I have to endure it. But when I am fighting for sleep that when these urges for sexual fantasies and touching occurs. Passing a really difficult time..

I understand that I need a perfectly busy routine and discipline. I am trying.. But changing changing a zombie autopilot lifestyle that lasted 20 or more years is quite hard.

 

Hey HitB ....
The only reason I write here is that I know at least you will read and answer. So there is not even a question of being bothered..

Sleep is becoming more and more difficult to find.. Its now 8 am here and I have not slept the whole night ... gotta go to office like this... Even when I used to M I remember falling asleep after watching P and doing M. But that was not a natural way of going to sleep. I dont even remember when I used to go to sleep naturally.. It was probably when I was a kid.. Same sleep problem happened when I quit smoking. I am hoping it will go away. I have to keep myself busy avoid those urges to edge. I have been working on my music. But luckily I dont feel the urge to watch porn that much. As I said for the first 2 months I did not even think anything dirty. I am guessing it was a flatline.

Anyways I am ready for the struggle. I know many hardship still awaits.. I intend to face them no matter what. I have had enough in life... I wanna find myself. I wanna be what the universe wanted me to be... Not a mutilated self created by a an ignorant society.

Thanks for those suggestions. I will try them.. And thanks for the inspiration. You can do it too man... You once said you were rooting for me... trust me that gave me a lot of power. Now I am rooting for you. We can do anything we want. Lets not get stuck in "Trying" lets make the changes happen for real...

 

No I have not... Lets see a few more days... Actually my mind has become too noisy.. If you know the concept of "monkey mind" then my mind has become a crazy, drunken, stung monkey who is tirelessly thinking about one thing after another. These unbelievably crazy thoughts attacks me when I try to sleep. (It is there other times too but at least I can keep my self busy).. I know this will seem stupid to the people with a quite mind. But Dealing with a noisy, crazy mind is a hard task for me.. I have really poor control over my mind. Hoping it will improve soon.

I know meditation will help. But I am still greatly struggling to create a perfect discipline in my life. I have no routine. I also have eating disorder.. I often binge and I also have Bulimia (I eat a lot and then forcefully vomit out the food)... Hopefully this sleep problem will go away if I can quite my mind and establish a discipline in life.

I know you guys must think I am a psychopath. It is like I am recovering from one addiction and another is taking its place. Gotta break out of this cycle. Its just like Mark Queppet said... You gotta break out of additive behaviors and fill them with fulfilling discipline.

I have passed this 76 days with "Inspiration" borrowed from videos and such stuff. But being drunk on motivation stops working after a while. I think the effect of these borrowed motivation is coming to en end. Now I will have to rely on a proper discipline. But one thing i keep telling my mind. That is I know many hardship is still to come. But I am prepared to face them.

 

Hey HitB... how you doing?
Glad to say that its been 87 days without PMO.. Feeling awesome..

My mind feels like a blurry glimpse of land from the treacherous ocean full of dense fog and cloud.. The picture of the land not clear at all but now I know its there.. And I know things will clear up as I go ahead...

This is not an addiction that I gained few days ago.. This addiction was there since 2002 (I was 17 years old) I dont remember passing more than 3 days without masturbating and drowning in sexual fantasies with or without porn.. Even since I got myself a Computer this was my Escape... Escape from the desire to socialize, escape from the pain of being a loner, escape from the inability to communicate well, escape from responsibilities and sensibilities.. It hurt me in more ways then I can imagine..

I escaped from every feeling that could have driven to a higher consciousness or awareness or heightened self esteem.... And as my self esteem lowered I drowned in many other addiction...

But now I feel a lot more energetic.. I feel like I can achieve anything.. I do not feel desperate for entertainment or pleasure.. Because I can work more and I can find pleasure in responsibilities.. I noticed a very strange thing while I was practicing my singing.. My voice opened up much better then ever... I was being able to hit the high notes.. I realized that you can not sing better by pressurizing yourself... You have to let your voice be free... Now, I am not saying quitting PMO gave me this realization... But I have watched almost 6 hours of youtube videos on How to sing well.. And Also I have practiced for more then 6 hours... If I was into PMO would I spend so much time on a silly thing like learning to sing... Would I be able learn and realize as much as I did?? Absolutely not... I would probably have spent that time playing Games and Doing nothing on facebook....

I feel almost 10 times motivated then before.. But one thought scares me.... So much motivation can make me unstable... Too much joy about this little success can make me impatient and harm me.... I wont let that happen.... I gotta be more calm.. Accept everything naturally.. Awkward Boners and desires to touch myself still remains.. But it has lessened after the wet dream a week ago... But I know it will get stronger again.. I dont really want to fight it... I will have to make sure I am too busy even to remember it...

That feeling of insecurity is lifting.. Its empowering.. I feel much less hatred towards the people who wronged me.. Altogether I feel much less intense.. It awesome.... Its almost like a blind man has gained new eyes..

Thank you man... Thanks for reading and responding .... you are awesome....

 

I am back... Happy to see that it has been 115 days... This seemed nearly impossible once upon a time.. But so glad its not anymore.. So am I out of the woods yet.. ? I don't think so... I am still trying... Right now my battle is to control my dirty mind... I realize it has the potential to cause a relapse. And I think my resistance muscles have become a lot stronger now that so many days have passed....

I know many people have fallen even after 4 months.. I am aware of that I do not wanna let that happen.. Not after realizing that I am starting to achieve a few very spectacular things... I do not wanna go back to that dark, ignorant life with 0 awareness... Today I will try to write down a few improvements that I see in my self after 117 days...


I do not how much of these changes are biological and how much came from the shift in my perspectives. But let’s write it never the less


1. I am much more confident around girls.


If you have read this thread from the beginning then you know how much I was struggling with girls. I was sabotaging every relation with every girl because they did not comply with my stupid demands (such as : they must talk to me all the time, must like me all the time, constantly praise how good I am, cant talk with anyone else e.t.c) . I now know that these demands were simply about covering my insecurities. It was like needing constant reassurance to feel like something that I am not…

I have grown more confident now. Before, I always became nervous while talking to girls. I used to feel like they could see inside my mind. I started sweating for no reasons. And girls used to make fun about this. But recently I have talked to some women for hours. My voice was relaxed and I was not nervous at all. In fact I was so relaxed and confident that I was even able to be funny and creative in the conversation. Its like for the first time my brain had time to listen, analyze and react properly. And this is improving day by day.


2. Superpowers…

I am not very fond of this superpower theory. Like many, I used to mistake the extreme overconfidence that takes over after just a few days of PMO abstinence as SUPERPOWERS. And most of the time this overconfidence leads to relapse. Whatever it might be its certainly not the superpower I am talking about. I realized that I have to be as humble and patient as possible during the first three months.

But now a days I have gained some amazing confident. I feel like I can achieve anything. I can focus on my work for 2-3 hours in a stretch without feeling tired. ( I know it is not much but it is certainly improving every day). And I already know that with proper focus HUMAAN BEINGS can achieve anything. There used to be a time when I though giving up PMO is impossible. I have done that. Now I have full faith that I can achieve many more goals that I always wanted to achieve. And I feel an incredible amount of joy while working to achieve those.


3. No more tiredness

I used to feel drained and tired almost all the time. I always felt like lying down after just a little bit of work. I did not sleep much but I was on the bed quite often. Even while playing computer games I felt drained after a few missions. All that is gone… Like Captain America I can now say “I can do this all day”


4. I can now let go of little things

For a long time, I was extremely impatient. My behaviors were like a wounded animal that felt everything was a threat. I used to get angry for the simplest reasons and I used to get hurt by very little things. This made me a very unpopular guy. But I can now let the little things go. Because I have much bigger vision now.

6. Less hatred

Whenever I used to watch to couples enjoying themselves, or someone becoming very popular and getting lot of attention in real life I used to become jealous and started hating. Also I hated my friends who forgot me (Cuz I was a stupid asshole). I feel like I do not have that much energy to hate anymore. I can be happy for them and they do not occupy mind that much anymore

7. Feeling relaxed.

My entire body feels much more relaxed. I feel like I have become a much of lightweight person. I practiced singing for a few days and I was amazed at what my voice can do. I think it happened because my vocal chords have become much relaxed.

8. Control over mind

Overall I have gained much better control over my mind. I can do what I want to do. (Except I still cant get a proper sleep). But apart from that I am able to control my mind much better. Although I do get angry from time to time but its much better than it used to be.

9. Less procrastinating

I am not procrastinating like I used to. Although even still I do it a little but doing the things at the proper time does not feel that hard anymore. When its time for my office I automatically start reaching for my cloths and start getting ready.

10. The misconception over women has lifted

For a long time I was hypnotized by the thought that sex is the only thing that matters to women. And that the world is full of women who are looking to have awesome sex all the time. I am amazed to learn that how much of that is not true. While in fact most women are just looking for emotional attachment and are attracted to guys who are free, peaceful and confident.

11. Being myself

For a very very long time I was trying so hard to be person that I am not. (Sometimes a singer like Bryan Adams sometimes a professional gamer like Dendi). But now, in my relaxed state I have realized that I can be the best ME. The pursuit of being somebody else will never end and it will never be as satisfying as being myself. I know if I become myself I might not become famous but I will have the peace of mind.

12. Spirituality

I am not much into spirituality. But I have realized that there are many divine signals that we receive everyday. Its our gut feelings. It’s some of the thoughts that occur in our mind. It’s the things that sometimes we feel like doing and sometimes don’t like. BUT… My mind was extremely noisy before so I could not get a proper reading of my deeper feelings. But now my mind is calming down. Its peaceful really. I am no longer deluded on being a false identity. I am slowly learning to be what the universe wanted me to be.


This is just the beginning I know. I have a lot more to realize. But I intend to work on the things that I realize right away. The gremlins of my mind are slowly starting to go away. I really really thank Mark Queppet from the bottom of my heart. Without his awesome advices I would not have made it. I wish could be a member of the NoFap Academy. But as I live in a remote country I could not manage Paypal. But NoFap academy’s free videos were quite helpful.

It’s true I had a job to assist me. Quitting PMO is can be bit more difficult for those who are home all the time. But trust me, just changing your perspective can do wonders for you. I am still not saying I am out of the woods. But I have certainly made some progress. And I do not wanna go back to that Dark, rotten, cursed lifestyle. Please wish me the best… I wish all the best for all of you guys..