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How do I help my boyfriend with his porn addiction?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Happycamper79, Feb 27, 2016.

  1. Happycamper79

    Happycamper79 Fapstronaut

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    So I found this site today and I am hoping it can help me understand my boyfriend better and how to cope with his porn use etc. We have been together for two years and I love him dearly. I have two young boys from my ex husband and am now currently pregnant with my boyfriends child. The situation is complicated and I am unsure how to explain the situation in full. We met and had an instant connection, like nothing I ever felt before. At the risk of sounding cheesy...it was love at first sight. He had told me that he watches porn and I thought ok, I can handle that. He had made a joke that before he met me, he would masturbate 7-8 times a day to porn and I thought he was kidding. I didn't think anything of it until we moved in together. He would look at pictures of naked women on his cell phone while sitting next to me on the couch. I would play dumb and not call him out because I was embarrassed...I would only ask what he was doing? He would hide his phone and then after a few minutes walk out of the room. He always has his cell phone with him and never leaves it unattended. I then noticed when I would wake up in the middle of the night he would be on his cell phone in the bed next to me watching porn and masturbating. I would roll over and cry until I fell back asleep. I again avoided saying anything because I didn't know what to say. We had a great sex life, he couldn't always finish with me and usually had to masturbate to do so. It wasn't all of the time but a lot of the time. Sometimes, I would wake up in the morning to surprise him with sex and he would say he didn't have time but then he would go in the shower and masturbate. Again, he always brings his cell with him in the bathroom. To make a long story short I ended up using his back up cell phone (which he referred to as his "porn phone") after mine had broke. In trying to link my email up I had to delete his. I know I shouldn't have tried to do it myself but I did. Of course, I found an alarming amount of porn and naked pictures of women. Much of this was sent to him by his friends but then in one of the photos I recognized the woman. It was his best friends wife. Needless to say, I snapped. I confronted him and he claimed he doesn't have porn on his phone and when I asked about the one photo he said his friend sent it to him and he didn't know it was her. I did believe him. When I confronted him about watching porn when he thinks I am sleeping next to him he said I am crazy and making things up etc. Time passed and then again, I caught him looking at porn that was sent to him from his friend through email. He said that he just looks at it and comments so his friend doesn't get upset. I told him it made me uncomfortable and that it is not something that I am ok with. He said that he would stop. Again months later I asked to look at his phone to check in and ease my mind and there again were many emails containing photos of naked women and porn, porn in which women are being "raped", completey humiliated by multiple men and crying and even teen porn. I even found emails that he received on his work email and then forwarded to his personal email. I was shocked because he lied about it. He said he asked his friend to stop but his friend kept doing it. He continually would masturbate sometimes an hour or so after we had sex, when he though I was sleeping. He still wont admit to it. I love him so very much but I am finding it hard to trust him. I am going to start counseling in a couple of weeks to try and understand why this is bothering me so much and to find the tools I need to cope and help him with this. He tells me it is normal and all guys do it, it has nothing to do with me etc. I know that is how he feels but it doesn't help me. Our sex life has changed immensely. I have a hard time letting go and feeling comfortable with him and sometimes he gets to rough by choking me etc. In addition my youngest son who is 8 years old said he saw my boyfriend looking at naked women touch themselves on his phone. I am worried because I do not want my kids exposed to it and think it is ok. I understand guys may look on occasion but is it normal to do it at work and all other times during the day? I just want to know what I do to help him and how I work on the healing process for myself? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
     
    happyme likes this.
  2. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    Your boyfriend sounds like an addict. He's more in love with his phone and skin colored pixels than he is with you, or at least that's what the addicts brain is telling him. Porn use isn't a used in moderation type of entertainment, we either don't look at it, or we are addicted (that is with everyone I personally know who is addicted to porn).

    I think you should really sit down together and seek to have a serious discussion that involves the porn use. Him starting a journal on here would be a good start. Go through your brain on porn . com together would also be another idea to educate both of you on porn and how it changes our brains. But at the end of the day, unless he wants to change nothing is going to help. I know people have tried to help me before, but until I desired change, there wasn't hope.

    Also, in relation to addictions he has to come into community. Our phones, movies, entertainment, etc keep us in our addictions. We need to live in community and take care of our addicts to help them. Go to google, and type in "Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong | Johann Hari" I think that may also help you.
     
    noexcuses likes this.
  3. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    First of all, welcome to our community. This is a place where you can come and share your feelings and ask for advice from other couples who have gone through this. We can provide help and comfort for you. But we cannot help your boyfriend unless he wants to change... more

    Next, this behavior is not normal. Although many men in today's society view porn, it is not healthy for them/us and it is often destructive. Many divorces involve men who view pornography. Pornography/masturbation creates secrets, secrets kill intimacy and ultimately the relationship. Repeated viewing of pornography turns into an addiction. Addiction is characterized by viewing porn more frequently. Also viewing more intense forms of pornography. And lastly, an addict is unable to stop despite the damage that he causing around him. Often an addict will not change his behavior until he hits rock bottom. Until he hits rock bottom his life will continue to spiral into more and more destructive behavior and put you into greater risk. Imagine him going to a prostitute and bringing home an STD. Everyone's escalation takes them in different directions, but none of them are good. None of those paths lead back to a normal life. If you try to help him without him hitting rock bottom then he will not have the motivation or incentive to change. If you try to make his fantasies come to life in the bedroom it will make the situation worse. Although you have good intentions, shielding him from the consequences of his behavior makes you an enabler not a helper.

    The goal is to get him into treatment and recovery. Breaking free of this addiction takes 100% commitment and honesty on HIS part. Doing it half heartedly won't work. Doing it on his own or in private will not work. This addiction is too strong for one person to fight on his own. He has to WANT to change. He has to wake up from his porn coma. Often this comes after a shocking event: getting arrested, losing a job, wife/girlfriend threatens to leave, etc. Some people are so deep into their addiction that even those things will not wake him up.

    An addicts behavior will also be marked by extreme selfishness. Often we think we can keep our secrets in a secret corner of our mind and not affect others in real life. We intentionally blind ourselves to the damage we cause around us. We hurt those closest to us the most. We love porn more than we love our SO's. Like a drug addict who is totally consumed with where they're going to get their next hit... porn addicts only think about consuming more porn. We go into auto-pilot mode and can lose hours to this addiction. Our lives are falling down around our ears and we don't even notice it until we hit rock bottom. You can help him only if he is in treatment, most of the work has to be done by HIM.

    Going to a therapist is going to help you, but is not going to cure him. Honestly, an addict makes a poor life partner. You deserve more than the emotional crumbs he's giving you. We become a shell of the person we once were. Until he seeks help he is going to keep hurting you. Your life should be more than coping with the pain.

    What are the chances he starts viewing this as full blown addiction as destructive as drugs, gambling, or drinking?
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2016
    noexcuses and Mj1064 like this.
  4. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    First off, as the wife of a porn addict (currently almost at his 60 days NoFap goal), I want to let you know that you aren't alone. Women everywhere are being forced to deal with men addicted to images of sex and nudity and are having to live with the consequences of this kind of addiction.

    I'm glad you found this site. There is much information and support to be found here. On the home page, have you clicked on "Porn Addiction Basics"? It's basically a crash course on understanding the phenomenon of porn addiction. The way you've described your boyfriend's behavior, he is showing many, if not all of the classic symptoms of porn addiction.

    However, please know that his condition will only change if HE can see how serious it has become and how much damage he is doing to you, to your relationship, and to your children. Only he can change his behavior and attitude. While you can support him and encourage him in this, you cant "fix" him. That's work he's going to need to do himself. The first step is education. Educate yourself and encourage him to do the same. Show him how serious the situation is.

    The second step is deciding how much of this behavior you are willing to accept. Is it okay for him to disrespect you like this? If not, what level of disrespect is acceptable? Is it okay that he exposes your children to pornography? Are you willing to take steps to prevent this and protect them and yourself? Do you have a support system available to you in case the situation escalates?

    There is also software available that can be installed on phones and computers that alerts you to indecent material. But if he isn't willing to give it up, it's sort of a moot point.

    Whatever info you need, you've come to the right place.
    I'm sorry you're in this position. Just know you aren't alone. We've been there (many of the women in this forum). We've dealt with it and are continuing to do so.

    Best wishes!
     
    Mj1064 and Gamerwife85 like this.
  5. Buzz Lightyear

    Buzz Lightyear Fapstronaut

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    He has to want to help himself. And, of course, for you and your family's sake. If he doesn't.....
     
  6. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

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    Don't cope with it don't accept it. Your kids and you deserve better. It's not normal behavior and he needs to realize it. Maybe he can check out this forum and yourbrainonporn.
     
  7. WifeInTheDark

    WifeInTheDark Fapstronaut

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    The subject of therapy....not just any therapy can help in this case. In fact, in some cases they can do more harm than good. My husband I saw two different couples therapist over the years and also my husband saw a therapist on his own. The ones we saw together both thought I should leave him as the easiest solution. The one he saw on his own was not educated about porn addiction and was not even remotely qualified to treat any kind of sex addiction. That guy chalked his issues up to OCD and made recommendations that made his porn addiction WORSE.

    A therapist needs to have that right tools and education under their belt to deal with porn addiction. It needs to be someone with the know how to to treat this particular kind of sex addiction. Searching google for local therapists should help you locate one IF YOUR BOYFRIEND IS INTERESTED.

    Tricking and manipulation doesn't help this kind of issue. And honestly, don't most people view that kind of behavior as wrong and unloving, no matter the motivation? I would feel very betrayed to find out I'd been tricked and/or manipulated by someone I care about.

    Also, don't let anyone bully you into making life changes that you aren't on board with. This is your life. Your relationship. Your and your children's future. These have to be YOUR decisions.

    We just want to let you know what's worked for us. Although the addictions are all very similar, each of our lives and relationships are unique. Best wishes on your journey.....
     
    Mj1064 likes this.
  8. Mj1064

    Mj1064 Fapstronaut

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    This is definitely not normal 'blokes looking at porn' stuff. He has a major issue and for him to tell you that you're crazy etc when you confront him about it, looks like he has no inclination to stop, no idea (or doesn't care) what effect he's having on you - or your children and doesn't realise he's addicted! He needs to realise the addiction; he needs to want to stop....otherwise you will get nowhere. You need to voice up! Tell him that this isn't acceptable - for your sake and your children's.
     
    WifeInTheDark likes this.
  9. Happycamper79

    Happycamper79 Fapstronaut

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    I just want to say thank you to everyone that offered kind words and advice. It has been a rough week and I honestly have a lot to think about with this relationship. He has put blame on his friends and told me he honestly might look at porn a few times a day and that he only masturbates a few times a week. Today my son needed to use the bathroom and he was in there masturbating to porn (I could hear it through the door) and had locked the door. (we only have one bathroom in our house). It seemed strange that he rushed in there when the family was sitting eating breakfast but I guess I am not meant to understand. I was mad but didn't bother to say anything. I figured it would be a waste of time. He does not think anything is wrong with it and has told me I am the only women he knows that doesn't watch it, he said that masturbation is healthy, he said that he only keeps pictures of women just to have them but that he cannot get hard from looking at them, then a few days later he said he looks at pictures of me and or other women to get off, I put a parental lock on the television with the hope that he will no longer watch (and possibly order) movies but he was upset and wanted to know what the password is. I have read books, watched all of the TED talks and other documentaries on the subject and he has no desire. The counseling that I will be attending is with a therapist that deals with sexual addiction and self esteem etc. I do not have an appointment for another week but I am hoping that something will come of it. If he is willing to go then great and if not, I guess I need to figure out what is important and what I want for myself and my family.
     
    TheWife and WifeInTheDark like this.
  10. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

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    @Happycamper79 I want to say that if things dont change then its time to get out of there and focus on you and your family
     
  11. Your partner is in complete denial and doesn't show even a hint of wanting to change. You, on the other hand, are putting in a great deal effort when, ironically, there isn't anything you can do about it. I suggest you think long and hard about your self-worth and the future for your kids.
     
    Mj1064, kk76 and WifeInTheDark like this.
  12. happyme

    happyme New Fapstronaut

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    Hey, what about a treatment? Why don't you take him for a treatment? A treatment because I was in this situation months before . My man was into few addictions like alcohol, porn, and drugs. He was taken to Edgewood addiction treatment center at British Columbia. At least your boyfriend is only addicted to porn right. I would definitely suggest you to take him for a treatment. Before that, you try talking to him and convince him that it is just an addiction and he could easily come out of the issues. Making him feel so can definitely motivate him and can help him come out of his situation. Don't lose hope. Try this, it would work. It worked for me. It can help you for sure.
     
  13. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right things, educating yourself and going to a therapist. We recently formed a group for significant others of addicts, I'll invite you.

    One more thing, I've heard many stories of men being exposed to porn at a young age, and how that led them into addiction. I might even consider a therapy appointment for him too. At the least, he's probably noticing that you are hurting. He may also have some very confusing feelings about porn.
     
  14. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    Your story sent alarms off for me .. especially the choke grip my former fiance did the same to me creepy right? .. Also the smart phone in one hand and the other on his d**k that's how my guy is seriously .. I am in therapy it's going OK .. I hope you found help .. I wish you happiness ♡
     
  15. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    Here are some great tips I found for those that have a spouse that are trying to break free from the grip of porn and recover from a porn or sex addiction. I hope you find these helpful.

    1. REMAIN COMPASSIONATE.
    It can be easy to assume that if your partner really loves you and wants to be truly intimate with you, then abstaining from porn would be easy. This is not the case. Research shows that the sexual imagery can have an effect on your brain that is comparable to cocaine. As the partner of someone struggling to let go of porn, it’s crucial that you try to see the other person’s perspective. Understanding the addictive nature will help to cultivate compassion for your love as they quit.

    2. DON’T POLICE THEM.
    It’s not your job to police your partner or be their “avoidance partner.” Nevertheless, I do find it helpful when my wife asks me more generally how I am doing. By showing that she cares and giving me the space to either talk about the struggle or not, I feel safer opening up to her. Reinforce this by letting them know that you appreciate them having told you, and by not being upset with them for having been triggered. What they do after that is up to their own self-control and motivation, but knowing that you are in their corner will help immensely.

    3. STAY INFORMED.
    The movement of people who want to give up porn is growing strong. In Time Magazine’s recent feature, “Porn: Why Young Men who Grew up with Internet Porn Are Becoming Advocates for Turning It Off,” we see that many men (and women) are becoming advocates for quitting porn because they have firsthand experience of the damage that porn does to their brain. Today, there are also a number of support groups, Reddit pages, and other tools at your partner’s disposal. For a website with a ton of great resources for your struggling partner, visit: http://www.mymensgroup.net

    4. BE ACTIVE WITH THEM.
    Their temptation will be at its highest when sitting at home alone, mindlessly searching the Internet, with seemingly nothing better to do. This is similar to leaving an alcoholic alone at a bar. You can’t be with your partner every moment (nor should you), but if you know there are certain days or times where they are accustomed to unproductive downtime, plan intentional and purposeful time with one another.

    5. DON’T ACT AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR PORN.
    Do not alter your own romantic life to act as a substitute for porn. You may be tempted to become a substitute for porn in any physical intimacy you have with your partner. In particular, they may ask you to do something more adventurous, so that they are less tempted to watch porn. The reality is that it would be reinforcing damaging behavior.

    Good luck to you both as you journey down this recovery road. Remember...it's about progress. Not perfection!
     
    about a girl likes this.
  16. about a girl

    about a girl Fapstronaut

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    @Ted Martin
    Thank you for this useful information .. I agree being supportive to a porn addict that wants to quit is important .. My ex fiance was not willing to and it's hurtful yes .. I had to leave the relationship .. From my own experience porn police is terrible not only for the addict but for the SO .. I would stay out of his way .. I didn't want to see the images :( I knew what he was doing but just turned over and tried to fall back asleep .. I hope someday he comes to this site and gets through this .. 5 years we were together I am still grieving the end of the relationship .. You are in fact very fortunate that you have the right support you need .. I wish you all the best ♡
     
  17. Ted Martin

    Ted Martin Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry to hear that his addiction tore you guys apart. I've witnessed that kind of devastation in my own marriage (although we were able to reconcile and put the pieces back together) and in the lives of the men in our support group. I'm also sorry to hear that he isn't at a place yet where he recognizes that he needs to get help. I hope and pray that he comes to that point. I can tell you from experience of leading and being a part of support and accountability groups that for many men it takes hitting a rock bottom point. Getting caught and losing a wife or g/f, losing a job from viewing it at work. If they view or distribute child porn their is risk of arrest that sometimes is that rock bottom. If they are involved with other people (affairs, anonymous sex partners, etc.) sometimes it's catching an STD that is that rock bottom. Unfortunately, all of those situations is all to common. Everyone has a different point where they finally realize they that they don't have a little hobby, their little hobby has them and they can't stop. More importantly, they realize they can't stop on their own despite their best efforts. I wish you the best as you pick up the pieces. And for him, I hope the light comes on soon that he needs helps and then that he can humble himself and reach out to get the help he needs to break free. :)
     
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