When to give up and end it?

Hello @cvicious, I didn't separate from my husband for more than a few nights when we were in the thick of it all, and he and I are now in a much better place, so I can't talk from the perspective of a woman who's left, but I CAN say this...

What I've gathered from all the women I've talked to over the last 20 years is:
the biggest change in the guy usually happens when she is ready to leave--not in a game-playing way, but in a real way. It's like it takes her being willing to leave for many guys to finally wake up and be willing to be more engaged and more dedicated to their own sobriety.

Now, I don't know your story, so this may not work for you if y'all have experienced several rounds of "This is your last chance" and he makes promises only to not fulfill them. In that case, it may be time for a more long-term separation. But again, I don't know your story.

I am sorry you're going through this, by the way. It's a painful place to be--VERY painful! My heart goes out to you.

 

My guy quit. He put me first before porn. Find a guy who will. If you leave and he doesn't quit and try to woo you back...
Good riddance I say. Be happy.

 

As a guy very well said @ifromcr. Being in multiple relationships, finally in one i hope will last, when the girl is literally walking out the door is when the biggest kick in the face comes your way. If i was a girl and my guy was addicted to porn and i found out i'd try talking to him in a serious manner or something and how much it hurts you and you don't want to have the pain for as long as youre together with him.
Have you told him about this website?

If he still chooses PMO after how much you tell him it hurts you then leave him, he will realize that he was just dumped for PMO and hopefully with change his ways. Im on this site because I want to have a healthier relationship with my girlfriend. She knows ive watched porn and what not before but doesn't know my addiction. I feel like i should tell her soon and what im doing. Hopefully she will be supportive.

 

I left my fiance of 5 years .. I never knew he had an addiction till I moved in with him .. I tried to accept it and go along with the pornos because he made me feel like I was over reacting he said all guys do it and it's normal for men to look at beautiful naked women and also he said it had nothing to do with me .. ( ha ! My personal favourite) I was only fooling myself As we argued so many times over it I realised it stressed him out and he watched it even more .. I was put on ignore and he chose porn over me .. He spent his days and nights with his boxers down in front of the computer tissue boxes at hand .. I will always feel like although he was not "technically" cheating on me that he cheated me .. It happened in January I am in my early 20's on my own and sad it had to end like that ( no wedding) I rather it be another woman he left me for but porn ? (smh)

 

You mentioned your SO is on this site does he post on here ? My SO wouldn't even look at the site .. He would definitely want me if I went back however I would have to accept his porn use .. In his mind no one can get along 100% and his porn use was just something I didn't like about him and then he mentioned things about me that he didn't like .. I seriously tried to make it work sadly it takes two and he didn't see the problem .. He is so obsessed with porn he couldn't wait for VR Porn everything he does in his life has sex involved books, comics, anime, news like kotaku and jezebel and video games with porn , TV shows and movies .. While dating him he was the perfect guy and he is if he could just break up with his hand .. I moved in and the novelty of me wore off .. Also the sex with him could go on for hours after awhile I started counting the cracks on the ceiling .. I always blamed myself .. now I realised my genitalia cannot compete with his hand .. Am I still angry you bet .. This addiction destroys love .. We were planning our wedding .. I hope you can get your SO to post on here .. nofap really truly helps the addict they see it for what it is .. In time many addicts will find real happiness and love but most of all peace of mind .. Get your SO on here asap!

 

I read this part about addicts in the deepest stages of addiction. "By stage 3, addicts are often surrounded only by people who stay with them out of a feeling of responsibility or pity, or who feel too guilty to leave, or who are afraid the addict will become seriously hurt if they leave. This becomes emotional blackmail, as addicts often try to promote these feelings in others to get them to stay."

By this point the person who you once loved and cared for has been taken over by the Addict personality. An addict becomes a shell of himself. Having a healthy relationship with such a person is impossible. The only way to wake up is for him to experience more pain than his addiction is able to medicate. Only when an addict has a rock-bottom emotional moment is there a chance for them to 'wake up'. Even then an addict may not wake up.

Either way, the SO needs to protect themselves from the addict. They are not looking out for you so you have to take care of yourself. Love and patience can only last so long until it runs out. You have to decide when enough is enough.

 

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I broke up with my SO of 8 years b/c of his addiction. It's been a roller coaster ride! The first time I broke up with him I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. After a week a gave in and I contacted him, that's when he admitted to being an addict. I tried to be okay with it, he agreed to get help but it was too much so we broke up again. The 2nd time we broke up I felt better. At that time I knew I couldn't be part of a relationship where I came in second. I felt betrayed, cheated on, broken.

During this time I did a lot of research and that's how I found this site, YBOP and I even read "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan J. Elliot (I highly recommend this book, even if you end up getting back together). Based on what I read, and the posts I have read in this site I decided to bring up the possibility of getting back together if he continued to get help and if he was doing it for himself not because Of me. We haven't had our talk yet.

Some days I wake up super hopeful for our future (since he is keeping up with therapy, that much I know), other days like today I question why I would even consider putting myself through the pain again? Why do I want to be with a man that cheated on me repeatedly with a screen! A man who constantly rejected me! Who lied to me! Why??? I am glad I have taken a break from him (no contact besides a few texts about us talking) it has done wonders for my mental health! It has given me time to think. I am still processing lol! I am not 100% sure I want to be with him. I still feel broken. So I know I need to heal. Taking it day by day helps! I hope that when we finally have our talk, I can say I'm in less pain and that he has made significant progress.

I would say take a break. Move out. Take time to heal, to think, to find out if you really want to be with him.

Read the book I mentioned about dealing with a breakup. By reading the book I found out that all my relationships have a few things in common: me trying to be the the hero, the one who will help them change for the best, the one who saw something in them that no one else saw. I would always put them first. Always took care of them. And so far I'm the one who ends up getting burned!
Leaving won't be easy. I was not prepared the first time. I did not expect to feel both physical and mental pain. I felt like I was dying! I would have constant anxiety attracts. I would wake up crying. Having someone being a part of your life and suddenly disappear is super painful. But it's true "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger " What has helped me besides this awesome site is writing in my journal daily. (I downloaded an app so that I could have it password protected) It feels better when I write out my feelings. I have looked back at my entries since this nightmare started and I could see progress. At first I was in denial, now I'm stronger, that's why it's been harder for me. I need to figure out why I am willing to give him a chance instead of moving on. 8 years of rejection, lies, broken trust and cheating (I consider this addiction cheating) is something I could possibly put behind us. It's the unknown that I can't seem to wrap my mind around. I don't want to deal with rejection while he relapses, I don't want to always question what he's watching on his phone or computer. So today's diary entry ended with I'm happy we are broken up. We need to take care of ourselves. Sorry for the rant

 

I'm so sorry. It sounds to me that, deep down, you already know what you need to do. May you find the strength and peace you need.

 

Speaking as an addict just beginning recovery I can only agree with everything that's been said. He can't commit to recovery and stick at it and make it work unless he's doing it for one person, himself. It sounds as though he was trying the recovery in order to stop you leaving and for no other reason. That won't work. He has to do it for himself. It was only when my SO left me that I could really evaluate everything that was wrong with my own mind and behaviour and get in touch with myself. It will be hard but there's a great community of partners and former partners of PMO addicts who'll be with you all the way. And don't hold out on the hope that he'll get better. If he does and can show it and you want to try, fine. If he doesn't then you'll already be in a better place to move on from him.

 

Oh yes he was. Masturbating to porn is definitely cheating, I think. You're having orgasm to different women than your partner... how would that not be adultery?

 

You know the old saying "Love conquers all" ? Well maybe it does .. When an addict learns to love and care about themselves first it is possible for them to eliminate addictions.. Such as drug abuse , porn addiction and alcoholism.. Once they realise the destruction to their brain and and in consequences their lives .. Once they ( the addict ) loves themselves enough to quit to really trust themselves.. We shall be there to understand that this is no walk in the park for them it's tough and in time we can believe in our hearts that they can and will heal from the damage porn does to them if they choose to . If the addict opens their heart to love themselves and to care enough about themselves to stop destroying themselves .. And we the hurt SO's need to love ourselves and find happiness too .. Ahead is a struggle for us as well to get to that" REAL "happy place ♡