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I've F@#ed it All Up

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by AllanTheCowboy, May 11, 2016.

  1. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I'm a complete idiot. I handled everything badly. I listened to advice that was about me, and tried to make things about me AGAIN. Now I'm headed for divorce with slim to no chance of saving my marriage, just when I am finally starting to get it.

    It's entirely my fault. Every part of it. Without her I would never have become the better person I am now, and am still becoming, and now I won't get to show her that person, and she won't get to be with him. She'll have gone through all of this, for me, to save me from myself, and only ever have been with the monster I was. It's her choice what she does... but I just feel horrible for both of us. For what I've taken from us both.

    She won't speak to me, unless it's about a divorce. Since she said that, I haven't said anything, or tried to contact her. Saying I am willing to talk on those terms would be a lie, because, hopeless as it seems, I am still committed to saving my marriage, and being the man she deserves, and giving her the life and marriage she deserves. Other than continuing to work on myself, all I can do is pray... and so that's what I've been doing, for hours every day.

    I made it worse in the fall, when I despaired and started to do all kinds of stupid stuff out of fear, and helplessness. I set us on the path to where we are now, and then listened to the wrong advice (which was my choice; not blaming the advisor) and did more of the stupid. I've simultaneously fixed and ruined my life. Well if that doesn't take a special kind of moron...

    I don't have a point. I'm doing okay, honestly. Apart from my marriage, things are good. Better than in a long time; maybe better than ever. But I want both. There's nothing I can do to have both.
     
    oreogirl and fixmenow like this.
  2. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Hey AllanTheCowboy,

    Wow that sucks! I was there last year about this time. I was getting better but making things worst. I had to let her decide if she really wanted to stay. There was a lot of prayer. I had been porn free for five years when things went bad. So you are not the only moron of that type out here. I went back to counseling and eventually my wife joined in.
     
    lfromcr likes this.
  3. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the support. It would be awesome if you can pray for us - and for things to be better for her whether she's with me or not.
     
    fixmenow likes this.
  4. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Yea, I agree with jfromcr:

    if the only thing she will discuss is a divorce (ESPECIALLY if it is a fresh wound for her) then ask her to go to a counselor so, a the very least, you can divorce well. I suggest this because when there, a counselor will probably ask her to wait on proceeding until she is more able to take non-impulsive action.
     
  5. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I'm not interested in divorcing well. I'm not interested in giving up. We've been separated almost 11 months, so I don't think it's impulsive. She's also specifically said she will not see a counsellor with me again unless my objective is to divorce well. No matter how much I accept that I have no control, I will be lying if I agree to go to counselling on those terms, so I cannot agree. My therapist has advised that I do nothing, since that's the only thing I haven't yet tried, and because I've clearly been doing the wrong thing by trying to push for communication. I saw my psychiatrist on Monday, and he agreed that I'm doing the best possible thing.

    I was the first one to suggest that there was a point at which things would be over. I did that in the winter when I was basically flailing and thrashing in pain and fear and helplessness. I completely despaired, and forgot what I should do in that situation. I don't want a divorce. I believe in sacramental marriage, and I believe our marriage is indissoluble. I understand that has no bearing on whether or not she can legally divorce me, and that she can do that with or without my cooperation. I haven't talked to my priest yet about what to do in the situation that she files for divorce. On the one hand, I can't stop it so refusing to sign is petty, and brings her unnecessary hardship. On the other hand, I would be participating in attaining a divorce, when I consider the marriage valid, which is against the teachings of the Church. That's for me to sort out if and when we get to that point, though.

    I think the marriage is valid, so if she does divorce me, I don't plan to seek an annulment. I'll still be her husband. If I say that to her, it will only sound like I'm trying to guilt her into staying, and/or hypocritical because I wasn't thinking that way a few months ago. It will look like I started taking my faith much more seriously at a very convenient moment, because I wasn't looking at it that way a few months ago. And if I do tell her, even though it's genuine and only about what I believe and want and I have no intention of coercing her, she might feel so guilty that she comes back, and there can be no healing if she comes back for that reason. That's not what I want. I want the future I know is possible; the one she can't see as possible. All I can do is hope that, if I leave her alone, and give God space to work, she will change her mind on her own. :(
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2016
  6. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear the sad news AllenTheCowboy. Don't beat yourself up over past decisions. Was what you did a bad decision only in hindsight? I don't think any of us has had a perfect recovery where we did everything right. None of us can change the past and if we could then I think we would all go back to that very first time we PMO'd. If she was truly looking to reconcile then I think she would have seen all the changes you've made.

    I know you must feel pretty low right now. But remember: you are not unlovable, you are not alone, and someday things will get better.
     
    oreogirl and WifeInTheDark like this.
  7. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    They will. But I want to be the man I promised to be. I want to be the husband I promised to be. And now I've made myself able to become that man and husband. We still need lots of help, and it will take a long, long time, but we can. I don't just want better. I know I have no control over it, but I want better with her. And I'm not going to stop wanting that, or stop trying. Every day it's hard to do nothing. It's not actually doing nothing; it's doing a lot. It's hard. It takes a lot of will power. And I think maybe I didn't have that strength until now... until she forced me to have it, just as she forced me to have the strength to stop PMO. I had tried before, on my own, but she left me no choice, and that's when I was finally able. The same has happened again here... she's so good for me it's ridiculous.
     
  8. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Looks like you have clear direction. And as far as the Church, I think you have a good idea to talk to a priest.

    BTW: you may want to connect with @Yesodi--he may be a good one to talk to.

    God Bless you going forward!!!
     
  9. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I'm also torn on whether to send her a letter(s). I frequently write her letters, but have been keeping them, thinking perhaps I'll show them to her when and if she wants to see them.
     
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  10. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I've managed to refocus on managing my mood to get through the day. A lot of this is depression and desperation and fear. Those got me where I am, and I'm not letting them win out again. I can handle them until they pass.
     
  11. jfromcr

    jfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Hey AllanTheCowboy,

    Have you confessed your fear to your spouse? I really blew things last year, and once I confessed how my fear was affecting me at least she understood. It still took several months to get back on track.
     
  12. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    I think it depends on what is IN the letters.

    If it will come across to her as justifying any hiddenness or PMOing, while you may have some reasons for them, now is NOT the time to go into it. Especially if she isn't open to even talking, etc. If she is in that space, those type of letters will do you more harm than good.
     
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  13. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Actually I remember what my husband is talking about: It wasn't his fear I understood, it was his owning a bone-headed stance he took on something that was VERY important to me.

    (@jfromcr, thanks for owning that by the way. It almost stopped what we have now. I love you! @jfromcr)
     
  14. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I've tried. I will try again when we are communicating. I saw my therapist again today, and he still thinks the best course of action is to do nothing. Since both my therapist and my psychiatrist agree...
     
  15. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I did that, and it resulted in the email that said "don't talk to me unless it's about a divorce." However, that email also contained the most honest communication I've had ... maybe ever from her. She blew up at me with a lot of things she's been not saying forever, and it needed saying out loud, not hinting and implying or bottling up or whatever it was before. Despite the clarity of the bottom line of the message, it also contained some mixed messages... anyway I don't know... right now I have to keep waiting. It's all I can do, and it's actually the most I've done. It takes more effort than any of the things I've actively done.
     
  16. fixmenow

    fixmenow Fapstronaut

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    AllanTheCowboy, your story is mine. I read through all this and there are so many similarities. You are a little further along in some ways except that my filed divorce papers are being routed to me now. Good luck! We will all end up stronger once the situations clear themselves up.
     
  17. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

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    Even though no one likes to be 'blown up on', her taking the time to write out the 'things she's been not saying forever' sounds like progress… to me anyway.

    The "mixed messages" you mentioned, to me, says she's still VERY ambivalent. Which may be why she's not moved forward with a divorce (unless she is moving forward, and I don't know it.)

    All I can say is:

    -stay in vulnerability/ownership mode,

    -let her know you're respecting her wishes to give her space,

    -and ONLY seek to get back with her IF YOU KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO DO WHATEVER SHE NEEDS IN ORDER TO GET BACK WITH YOU. If you're making promises you can't or won't keep, you're better off just riding this out.

    She's that angry only because she's that hurt, and making promises you can't keep will be a cruel, cruel thing to do to someone who's hurting that much.
     
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  18. fixmenow

    fixmenow Fapstronaut

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    I am following this thread intently, I want to thank Ifromcr for the thoughts and advise because I am getting hopefAully as much from it as AllenTheCowboy. Having a wife's perspective is gold, with this addiction, there would be no other way to get that viewpoint.Thank you again!

    Allen - my take is she has not actually taken the step to file and serve you. If that is correct, you can work through this, make yourself better and as Ifromcr says, make that commitment to do whatever it takes.
     
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  19. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I am remaining silent, because pointing it out is saying "hey, look at me! I'm doing the thing! See me doing the thing!" And that defeats it, and resets any progress I've made by giving her space.

    I would love to get blown up at a lot more. I need to get blown up at a lot more. She has a lot she needs to say out loud, and that I need to hear, and we can't go anywhere until she does. Which makes me tempted to prod and prod but that will come to no good.
     
  20. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    I noticed your profile picture. St. Rita's (patroness of pretty much everything pertinent to my situation) feast day is May 22. I've been invoking her with novenas already, but I am going to start one tomorrow, to end on her feast day. If you'd say it as well, I would appreciate it. PM me and I'll send you the text.
     

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