1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

I'm ruining my relationship because of porn addiction

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Chiaro, Apr 27, 2016.

  1. Chiaro

    Chiaro Fapstronaut

    51
    14
    8
    I've been Addicted to porn since the age of 13 ; I'm 21 now.
    I've never had a stable relationship. Last year I met a wonderful woman and whose love brings joy to me. For the first 3 months managed to stay porn free. I slid back a couple of months back and I've been fapping about once a week and then more and more until I fell back into PIED :-(
    That crushed our sex life and even though I know this, the addiction is too strong and when I try to stop, I relapse within a week.

    I don't know what to do
     
    traveller22 likes this.
  2. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    991
    938
    93
    Imagine losing your girl over something as meaningless as pmo. Read some stories of people who are 15 years further into addiction than you are.
    Spiraling deeper down.
    You have to do whatever it takes to stop. Cancel your internet. Get rid of your smart phone.
    Stay busy and reconnect with your girlfriend.
    You can do it. My bf is PMO free since Dec7th. It literally took no time and his pied was gone. His anxiety and mental wellbeing is much healthier now.
    Don't say I can't do it. You have no choice. You can beat this.
     
  3. traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

    651
    548
    93
    Hi there.

    You need to do some groundwork...

    1. Seek to understand the internal & external reasons/factors as to why you PMO - Have you spent time on "yourbrainonporn.com"? If not, do so - knowledge is power.
    - Trying to not PMO from sheer will-power alone won't do it.
    - You need to understand what's driving you.

    2. Make a list of all the risky situations, places, influences & emotional states (linked to above question) - and then AVOID THESE as much as possible.

    3. List all the positive things in your life - people, places, activities, passions. DO THESE as much as you can.

    4. Find yourself an accountability partner.

    5. Check in here every day & preferably, start a reboot journal.

    Make sure you are clear on the following....

    1. Why you want to give up PMO.
    2. Risks & Causes.
    3. Your plan of action.

    Those are just a few things I would suggest you think about.

    We can break the addiction - we need self-knowledge + a plan + support + will-power.

    T22.
     
  4. Chiaro

    Chiaro Fapstronaut

    51
    14
    8
    Thank you for replying to my post. Can I ask you, were you disappointed to find out that your boyfriend watched P? Did it change how you viewed him? I can't imagine what my girlfriend would think if she found out that I slid back to watching P again. For now she knows about the weak Erections but not what causes them.
     
  5. Rav70

    Rav70 Fapstronaut

    991
    938
    93
    I knew he watched it sometimes but I had no idea the extent. I was naive thinking why would he need to masturbate when he could have sex?
    When I found out I was shocked of course. He also talked to people because it got to the point he couldn't even O from porn. Talking to people was more real and exciting.
    After everything came out and we started researching about PMO and PIED it was a relief to us both to have answers why he was behaving the way he did and why sex with me paled in comparison to his addiction to MOing.
    He was adamant he loved me and wanted to quit. He could not picture his life without us being together.
    Did it hurt me? Yes deeply. Was trusting him hard? Yes.
    But you know what? His actions spoke volumes. We became much closer. Sex became intimate and more frequent. We continue to fall more in love and appreciate each other every day.
    Being alone and lonely sucks. We are best friends and lovers.
     
  6. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    700
    1,044
    123
    It's a terrible conundrum.

    You probably started the porn as a curious teenager. Me too.

    Now you have a sexual partner. You no longer have that "teenage curiosity". Real grown up sex is available. Still you cannot get rid of the porn.

    As @Rav70 says above, stop with the porn. You are 21, I am 42.

    You have realized that you have a problem at a much younger age than me. Good for you.

    Now let's both get through this.
     
  7. traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

    651
    548
    93
    Hi Chiaro.

    I can second Rav70's experience in my marriage. I was the one looking at the porn but for those people fortunate enough to have a partner that is willing to forgive, understand & stick by them, it makes the road to recovery SO much easier.

    I'm not sure if your partner knows & if she doesn't, I'm not suggesting you tell her - at least not yet. Some partners find out & others are told & can't handle it. A few, like Rav70, oreogirl & my partner, choose to walk with their man on the road to healing.

    Women are in many ways, much stronger than men - that's my experience anyway.

    Take heart, be inspired by the love you share with this person & KNOW, that it is possible to break the hold of PMO over your life & soul.

    It won't go without a fight though. That's why we have NoFap.

    As Veritech said, "Let's get through this!"

    Strength!

    T22.
     
  8. lfromcr

    lfromcr Fapstronaut

    296
    536
    93
    (I'm a wife of a man who's been sober since 2010) These are the basics of what's worked for my husband:

    Find your triggers.

    Find things that bring you joy.

    Have an action plan for when triggered. (one of the steps should be to mentally go through the ramifications of PMO: how it will end in feelings of defeat, shame, distance from your gf, etc.)

    Call accountability partners or a mentor. (Make sure the accountability partner will be understanding, but will also kick you in the butt when you need it.)

    Follow through on your action plan when triggered. (After, and this is KEY, remind yourself that you didn't really need to PMO. This step is what helps rewire the brain even faster.)
     
    traveller22 likes this.
  9. Tell her!

    Your addiction does not control you, no - but it has changed you. Yes, it has stolen from you and yes, it has hurt you. So your heart is what it is, and it will bear the scars of this battle, even if you quit right now, for the rest of your life.

    So by telling her, you are not just doing her a huge favor by presenting her with the real you (imagine she thinks you are someone else - that's not love worth having, is it?). You are also empowering yourself to have the right woman beside you. If she will be in this with you and she will choose to go through all this with you, then you know you got yourself some gold and diamonds!

    I told mine, even before we began dating. Since then many things happened, including relapses and breaking of hearts. But we stood through all this, and by the grace of Jesus, we are engaged and will be married by the end of the year. She never left me, I never left her - and in the midst of the spine-chilling, nerve-wrecking crisis that PMO can bring, I know that I am not fighting this aloe and that the woman at my side is a worthy life partner and a friend.
     
  10. IGY

    IGY Guest

    That is marvellous: @Aryangor - congratulations man! Also, your humility and honesty does you credit. :cool:
     
  11. traveller22

    traveller22 Fapstronaut

    651
    548
    93
    You'll hear a lot of that sort of thing from us men on here - for many of us, we're here to a great extent, to help repair the damage to our relationships.

    Nice one @Aryangor.

    Truth!

    T22.
     
  12. oreogirl

    oreogirl Fapstronaut

    647
    1,916
    123
    Chairo, I would never trade the horror PMO has brought to my life for a life of innocence that was a lie. It has brought us closer, things are better. Last night was rough, I wrote a poem you can check out in rebooting forum
    What PMO means to me
    This will be a part of your life, let it out, I think it is part of the healing process. It gives my husband great strength to see me look at ALL of him with love, it gives him strength along this difficult road he has been traveling.
     
    ILoathePwife likes this.
  13. kk76

    kk76 Fapstronaut

    397
    210
    43
    Be honest if you can.

    My take is that life is a trillion times better when I am not indulging in PMO. It did me so much harm and seeing that helps to keep me away from it.

    Smash the illusion you want or need it. That has to go
     
    ILoathePwife and Chiaro like this.
  14. Dustin Johnston

    Dustin Johnston Fapstronaut

    55
    53
    18
    I am currently going through the spine-chilling and nerve-wrecking crisis now (thirty days hardmode), but I've been fighting this for years. My fiancee is, amazing, and much stronger than I am. It's just...things have gotten so rocky; this reboot has rocked me to my core and it's shaken my feelings for her.

    I had a question. She is an angel and has been in my corner this whole time, but during my reboot, I've felt our connection dwindling...even to the point where I have questioned my love for her...only to wait a week and feel so rapturously in love with her, I can't think of anything else. Most days, I don't even feel like I'm in reality. Some of those days I can't stand being around anyone...even her. Just knowing I have to spend time with her sets me on edge. All I want is to curl up and have it all disappear. I know I can't do that, that I have to fight and deep down in my heart of hearts, I want to fight to save this relationship and beat this addiction. So I guess I really don't have a question, so much as a request: could you provide me some advice on how you and your wife got through all?

    Despite all of my crazy emotions, I know this is all worth it...i know that SHE is worth it. She is worth fighting for. I just need to know it can be saved. That we can come out on the other side stronger. She is my best friend, and we've been through so much together already...I don't want this to tear us apart.
     
  15. Sorry for the crap you are going through - its masculinity to know what you want to and to fight for it, and when one is so confused with the junk of withdrawals, you don't even feel like a man, more like a wimp and a crybaby. I know how that feels, terrible and even humiliating.

    Just grind through it. The first thing that this will teach you is that love, true love, is not a feeling, but a decision. A decision for you to stick with her, and for her to stick with you. And all you say and do is hence geared towards that decision - to make it work and to stay together.

    There are numerous days when you don't feel like being together - hell, even healthy and best couples have those! Then just retreat to your corner, fill yourself up with what charges you and return back, full of energy and motivation. It can be a 30 min timeout during a conflict, a weekend away with guys, away from home - or just a fun evening with a movie outing and a pizza in a park. Relationships in a routine die off very quickly.

    Secondly, you are learning that withdrawals are tough, that they are powerful and difficult. That they can mess with your brain, with your emotions and with your perspective even. That they are a b**ch...

    But you are also learning that they are not omnipotent, that they aren't impossible to beat and that having them is not the end of it all. You are honored and privileged to have your fiancè at your side, going through this crap with you, supporting you and investing into the relationship. We men wanna be strong and in control all the time - unfortunately, when it comes to women we can't be strong. And we need a woman then to come through for us. Their feminine strength is something different - but in that is the beauty of love and synergy of a heterosexual couple.

    My fiancê (almost my wife yeah!) and I have been through hell and back ,multiple times - all because I screwed up with PMO etc... And she still chose to remain with me and I with her. And the storms only make us stronger - of course, because we allow them to make us stronger.

    Communication and honesty is paramount here - when I feel like I don't want to see her or talk to her, I tell her that. At the same time I admit that its not her fault and that I just need time out for personal reasons and will come back to her in an hour or tomorrow or whenever. Women like definitiveness (if there is such a word) and to understand things and to feel secure. So if you tell her that you need a day alone with your fishing rod to help you beat PMO, she will understand )))

    We have done all this, and are still doing it, man - and we are winning this battle - together, day by day. The question, however, that is a real hope killer is HOW... Try not to think about it too much, especially when you are withdrawing. Rather think about the WHY... Not "How am I gonna make it work?" but " WHY do I wanna make it work?" And when the WHY's are answered, the HOW's will find their own answers.

    Attached is the picture of a general attitude I try to adopt when having a crappy day, full of withdrawals - hope it hits the nail on the head for you )))

    [​IMG]
     
  16. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I'm the wife of a porn addict. Yes, it hurt when I found out about his porn addiction. Sometimes I still hurt. But you want to know what hurt the most? The deception. The fact that he married me, having been addicted to porn for nearly a decade already, without telling me. The fact that it took him five years of marriage to finally tell me. The fact that I knew something was terribly wrong, but every time I tried to talk to him about it, he lied to my face and said everything was fine. The thing is, she already knows something is wrong, she just doesn't know what. Letting her in on the secret gives her the chance to support you and help you through this. I can't promise she will decide to do that, but if you don't give her the chance how will you know? And if you don't tell her, I believe it lowers your chances of recovery and pretty much guarantees an unhealthy relationship. Secrets are toxic to recovery and relationships.

    It's been seven years since my husband told me. My conditions were that he go to a counselor, work on recovering and never again lie to me/keep me in the dark, even about relapses. He's done that.

    Please, please tell her. If your relationship can go through that you can both come out the other side much, much stronger. I'll tag you in a post I wrote with some tools you can use to help you reconnect with her, since porn use, from my experience, is so very hard on relationships.
     
    ChangeMattersToMe and ..Anna.. like this.
  17. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Yes, yes, yes!! Although for me, before my husband told me things were pretty tough at times too. I instinctively knew something was wrong, although I never, ever could have guessed it was porn addiction. But yes, there were periods of happiness and innocence too. And I'd never want that back in favor of the lie.
     
    oreogirl and ChangeMattersToMe like this.
  18. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    This thread gives me so much hope. Multiple male addicts speaking about how telling their significant others has helped them and is the right thing. And women partners of addicts saying the same thing. I know there are men addicts on here that haven't been able to tell their spouses/partners and don't intend to, and it's so painful for me to think of that. I know it's not about me, but it brings up those helpless feelings I had before I knew. Am a crazy? He says everything is fine, but it doesn't feel fine. Maybe I'm the problem.
     
    ..Anna.. and ChangeMattersToMe like this.
  19. I don't have much to add to the thoughtful remarks of my previous speakers, but seeing how @fupornwife almost hijacked this thread is a strong hint at what you should do. Put your girlfriend in her shoes for a moment, her reaction upon realizing that you lied to her, kept it a secret for years, or even a decade. I know exactly how you feel right now, I always thought that it's something I have to be ashamed of and take care of by myself, but for the most part, that was just my addicted brain, trying to fight tooth and nail to stay alive. The truth is, having your favorite human on your own team will make everything so much easier. She will be your accountability partner, distraction and incentive at the same time. The longer you keep it a secret, the more it will hurt her when you tell her, and you will either lose her or tell her in the long run.
     
  20. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    Lol. Yes, I do tend to do that, don't I?
     
    Simon Shy likes this.

Share This Page