talking about this

I'm glad you were finally able to find a therapist who has been able to get you on the road to recovery. Although the details differ, all of us here has seen what PMO has done to our marriages. Some relationships get better, some don't, and for some it's a daily struggle between the two. I'm sorry that revealing your secret to your wife led to a separation. Was she unaware that there was a problem? Was it the PMO itself, or did you escalate to something beyond porn?

I don't know all the details, but telling your wife your secret was a very important step that needed to be done at some point. A vast majority of wives would rather know the truth and make decisions based on the reality of the situation. The consequences of our addiction has affected them for years and recovery from our betrayal can take a lot time to heal.

How did she take the news? What did she say when you revealed your secret? How does she feel about your addiction and the progress you've made?

Also, a reaction like her's can threaten your recovery. Recovery is a delicate situation where anything negative can threaten our sobriety. Feeling like crap makes us seek comfort in our old addiction. Don't question the decision to tell her. It WAS the right one. Now you have to handle the fall out. Stick to your plan and work on staying porn free.

 

Sometimes the wounds are too fresh and too deep to share any insights into your recovery. Just when you are feeling your best (because you feel like you're making progress), she is feeling her worst (the revelation is too new, the betrayal is too deep, and she hasn't had time to process her emotions). Sharing your inner thoughts, feelings, and motivations at this point can be a bad thing! The more open and honest you try to be causes more pain. Some wives want the details but the details in his case are hurting her more.

Usually, time will start to heal those wounds. But in this case you might have to make her feelings a priority when you're together or talking on the phone. And then you work on your recovery by yourself. Some couples can work on the addiction and relationship issues simultaneously, but you might have to separate the two issues and deal with them separately.

Trust is not an easy thing to fix. Secrets kill trust and intimacy. Our addiction depends on secrecy and every second of our lives we nurture it until it becomes an integral part of us. Work on being honest with yourself. Work on being honest with her on non-PMO issues unless she asks. Take accountability and offer genuine apologies. When someone is hurt they seek a place of safety. Trusting someone involves coming out of that comfort zone. You can't force her come out of that comfort zone and trust you, but you can show her reasons why you are worthy to be trusted. Work on becoming a better man and a better husband.

Unfortunately this is our worst nightmare come to life. When we try to make things better, things start getting worse. Just when we need stability, our world blows up. It's a consequence of what we've done and we can't fix it overnight. Stay positive and hopeful. And keep working to save what you can.

 

You told her and now it's out of your hands. Credit to you for doing so. You wanted to rebuild things and ensuring that everything was open is a good way to do that.

You won't know the reaction until you say it.

 

Correct. It's better than having secrets and you have shared something very personal to you, you have let her into your personal struggle and that's commendable.

There's no shame in being addicted to this. We feel sorry for alcoholics and gamblers but not those addicted to this? That stinks of double standards

 

A Calvin and Hobbs quote...

The greatest gift you can give to someone is your own personal development.
I use to say, 'If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.'
Now I say, 'I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.
- Jim Rohn

My wife is clear with me saying, 'this PA is your issue. Don't try to make it mine.' Or something to that effect. So, I work on my PA (taking care of me) & she takes care of herself.

There are 2 seperate things...
1) Taking care of my relationship w/ myself.
2) Taking care of our relationship.

Someone else in this thread offered the same suggestion.

Be true to yourself. Hang in there... 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute at a time if need be !

 

As a partner of an addict I can tell you you made the right decision because addiction is progressive, eventually you will only be searching for more dangerous and perhaps deviant ways to get a high. So, would you rather deal with it now or down the road, meaning would you like recovery to start today or continue on years of lies, shame and emotionally unfulfilling life? Or perhaps wait till extreme actions are done (ie; affairs, prostitutes, arrest, etc.) and totally ruin any chance at repairing the marriage and your life? You did the right thing for yourself and for her. Maybe it will not work out but if you are dillegent and make an honest attempt, You have more of a chance at recovery then to live a continued life of lies that brought you here in the first place. It is imperative for you all to not lie to your sig others, it only hinders your own sobriety because once those lies are revealed comes the anger and detachment from your partners, and how can you blame them. Personally, I can be more supportive to someone I felt had a real issue that they are being honest about and making efforts to treat, then someone who spends their days lying and acting out because they are feeling shame and guilt from the issue, the betrayal is earth shattering and hard to recover from. At some point in your lives/marriages the elephant in the room needs to be addressed because the addiction does not go away, it only progresses. Take off the bandaids and take your medicine to make it right. Another thing about making it right is to make an honest attempt and put yourself in your sig others shoes, if they are making suggestions such as go to therapist, seek support, etc. It's not because they are trying to control you. They've been presented with a situation that has just killed their self esteem and trust of any kind in you, if they are still even corresponding with you, even if it's through tears, fights, anger, that means they hurt and need to process what has just occurred. Allow them their time to grieve and express their pain. Give them the support that you are asking for. Eventually it will all sink in and they will have to decide if the relationship is recoverable, this will all be determined by your own actions and not words because to them your words may have all been lies. I say this because lately I have been feeling numb to my feelings, when I first found out I was very gung ho about getting him help, finding him support group, looking for software to keep him accountable but as of late I feel he has not been sticking with the promises made when this revelation came to light. I feel he is becoming complacent and that the disease is making him resist, to see him change from saying, I will do anything and I'm going to read every day and I'm going to stay off social networks to now skipping days of reading and going back on social site and only occasionally doing what he said he would do is very disheartening to me and making me lose my desire to fight for us. Actions speak louder then words, treat your partner as you would want, anything less is grounds for your loss of the relationship, that's the truth. So, though your wife is angry at you and you are separated, atleast she is still responding, once her desire to stay in contact, respond, give you her suggestions, advice (or in your eyes, nag) is gone, it most likely means your actions didn't speak louder then your words. Be honest to yourself first and foremost because if you can't believe in yourself, how can you expect someone else to?

 

Wow you give such an excellent advise. You sound like a professional counselor. Please keep on writing and helping other with such a horrid disease.

 

Thank you, I'm glad I helped you in some way. I'm not a professional but I've been diligent enough to read up on the disease. I highly suggest anyone on here to ask your partners to please read up on the disease for better understanding that it's legitimate. Knowledge is power and the key to trying to overcome any illness.it will also allow your partner to understand the real brain changes that have taken effect in you and perhaps allow them to give you some grace from your failings.
Please be honest however with yourself and your attempt to get better, do not say things you do not plan to do, follow through on promises and most importantly communicate how you are feeling. I can guarantee most sig others on this site are feeling physically as well as emotionally detached from you, it doesn't help if you pull away and don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, after all, your actions have created this terrible situation that you are asking them for support and to be vulnerable to. For those of you who have come this long way to let your partners know about this secret, why make a U Turn on your recovery. Forge head on to this path that you obviously have needed and wanted to get to or forever be bound to the chains of your addiction and the same terrible life.

 

Awesome post.
I agree 100% with actions speak louder than words. I have had people doubt my bf's recovery and say he surely is hiding his true feelings but he is still doing everything he promised and promised NOT to do.
I'm sorry you feel discouraged. Keep your chin up.

 

Went through something similar and decided to let that bitch go.
It was tough but when started working on myself and nofap I realized that the bitch doesn't deserve me.
What the fuck!? Like, she left me and I should be the one chasing her? No - fuck you!
If she loved me she'd be here instead of leaving. And all the blame that's been put on me, fuck that.
Never gonna let anyone stump me again and fuck me if I ever humiliate myself in order to get anybody back.
Not worth it.

 

Bring on the romance.

 

I respect everyone has a different view and feeling on sexuality and some people think certain behaviors are normal such as being "visual" creatures but I would think no matter how much you may think there is nothing wrong with objectifying women and having fantasies in your head, deep down you must somewhat know that it truly isn't as normal as you think, if you're behavior is causing issues in your life, with wives, coworkers, friends, family and its something to which you must hide, there probably has been a line crossed within. I think most people in these situations were brought there due to something in their childhood and upbringing where they were never told or shown appropriate behavior or perhaps some type of sexual trauma occurred that was never addressed. Our childhoods play a big part in our current lives. I can't imagine would feel it's OK to gawk at other women and only think of her as a body part, there is an absolute Han disconnect there. I believe with porn it creates this obsession and fantasy that is wired into your brain whether you want it to or not, like a absolute brainwash. Each female then becomes a scene, an object, a possible dopamine release if you fantasize hard enough. Even when you look and know it's wrong, the brains controlling you and there is no willpower. I don't believe that people are inherently bad or deviant, its just what they were exposed to or taught. Some have enough strength to beat their demons, others faulter because they isolate themselves and find no way out. Anyone who is here on this site obviously has the desire for change, its a first step. I pray that you all find guidance, strength, motivation to really break free from something that may not kill your body like drugs and alcohol but is killing your mental existence. To be tormented by these feelings every day and have to live on society where you have it every day is a tough fight. It is possible with hard work, self examination, understanding of the physical/chemical damage and a plan of action. I only hope you all find peace with this so that you may find intamacy, happiness, true love with your sig others as well as yourself. Life is too short to spend it fapping, objectifying and never knowing what love of thyself and another is.

 

I'm a wife of a man who's been sober 6 years, and I've been looking into the issue of porn in relationships for over 20 years. Since you said you were looking for advice from the partner, even, I may have a piece of advice for you, but I want to make sure I understand you correctly before. What you meant by the above sentence… specifically, what is the 'this' in, 'then I tell her about this and it's like we're back to square one'?