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Please Teach Me How To Live Without Craving For Love

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by DYS1994, Mar 30, 2016.

  1. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Please help me. This is my story so far.
    http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/how-a-relationship-changed-my-porn-viewing.55088/

    Well things didn't go as I expected with that guy. I didn't confess my feelings because if things turned out wrong, I would have a really, really, really hard time. I live in a country where gay relationships are looked down upon. I tried hard to make him feel that I have a thing for him but there was no reaction from his side. He is cheerful near me but I think that is how he usually is. I tried to go out for lunch with him and I did go once and even for that he tried to take someone else for it and today he went to lunch with a friend of his and he didn't seem to be desperate to ask someone else to come to lunch with him like when I went out to lunch with him. There were times that I asked him to wait for me to have lunch or asked him to tell me if he is going out to have munch but he didn't reply to any of those. I feel really down. I feel so sad without love. It's effecting my studies now too. I want to be free from this pain. Please tell me how to live without this pain. I see other guys who live without love (including the guy who I have a crush on) and they live without the pains that I'm suffering.

    I'm starting to feel like everything good in this world is failing me. I try to live a really good life but when things like this happen I feel like there is no good in the world, or like there is no one or no higher rewarding system that will help people who are doing good. Short and sweet, I feel like that this world is a really hollow, useless place.

    I scared. I was not like this before. I was cheerful. I believed in good things will happen to good people. I had a heart of gold but now it's starting to turn to stone. I've started to become a bitter person. Please help me to end my suffering.
     
  2. vicix2

    vicix2 Fapstronaut

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    Hello Devin.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling bad, but I can assure you that you are not alone. I'm a 20 year old straight male, so I can't say I understand everything, but I definitely understand what you say about love.

    I used to be a lot more cheerful in my own company too, before the world got to me hehe... It's called growing up, but I still believe we have the power to choose wether or not we let it corrupt us. I have a universe inside of me. The love I feel inside of me; be it for my family, a friend, a girl, some stranger with a compelling story or myself, is real. I think living without this "love" (or "god" or "higher meaning", whatever people want to call "it") is pretty much not possible. I don't have the solution (hint: maybe no-one has?), but I can definitely say that you're not alone, and I would appreciate it VERY much for the world's sake if you don't kill the good inside of you. Cause that's what the world needs.

    Now more practical: As a straight, relatively easy-influenced and emotional guy, whenever a guy has flirted with me I usually just laugh it off and say thanks and that I appreciate the compliment. One night I was really drunk, there were no girls and a guy wanted to hook up with me. I think I was really desperate for affection, because we talked alot the whole night about loneliness and how difficult it was to find something "real", and I crashed at his place (made him promise to not try anything funny), but I woke up with him touching my thigh and then I knew that I had sent the completely wrong signals. It felt so good to talk with someone who understood the void I had inside of me, but I realized that he mostly just was there because he thought I was in the closed, and not actually straight.

    This experience seriously made me wonder what was going on, because I've never felt any attraction to guys, so how could I have let it get so far?

    Love.

    I was lonely. And I've come to see that loneliness isn't relieved by someone's (your crush's) affection, it's relieved by expressing who you really are. Even though I feel like "if I just had that cute girl from history class I would finally love myself and love life", I know intellectually that it's really me missing myself. I've simply not had the balls to stand up for myself and respect what I feel.

    Now the reason why this situation was uncomfortable for me is because (this is crazy, but it's my mind working overdrive) I felt like the only way I could have someone love me was by being with a gay guy, which made me feel like I would have to physically interact to not be "fake". It sounds weird, but for someone with really low self-esteem it was actually the way my mind thought of the situation. This experience have been crucial for my life as it has helped me to see my biggest vulnerability: fear of not being loved. And when I saw it, it became clear to me how wrong I had been going about it (just waiting for some magical girl to come and save me from my own misery haha)...

    So people who are angry or against homosexuals are really just people who don't know themselves as well as they could. If you try to push someone into something they don't recognize themselves as they can get aggressive if they don't understand that THEY choose who they want to be. One has to see this and be the bigger person.

    To summarize: I believe love is about production/giving, not consumtion/recieving from other people. I am completely happy inside myself when I'm only comparing myself to me, but making other people happy makes my eyes wet.

    I hope some of this resonnates with you Devin. Stay strong, brother
     
    Francesco and Headspace like this.
  3. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Hello Vicix2, First of all thank you for reading this and coming to help me. I was loosing hope about this post thinking that no one cared or that the post is too long (since it has another link redirecting to the history of my story and stuff). But when I received the email today that this post got a reply, I was just happy, hopeful and eager to read it. Therefore, thanks for being like an angle and coming to help me. You might not know, but your reply means a lot to me. Thanks again.

    I feel that your reply is a really resourceful and helpful one but I have somethings that I don't understand. Please explain them to me when you're free.

    1. What does this mean?
    "This experience seriously made me wonder what was going on, because I've never felt any attraction to guys, so how could I have let it get so far?

    Love.

    I was lonely. And I've come to see that loneliness isn't relieved by someone's (your crush's) affection, it's relieved by expressing who you really are. Even though I feel like "if I just had that cute girl from history class I would finally love myself and love life", I know intellectually that it's really me missing myself. I've simply not had the balls to stand up for myself and respect what I feel."

    2. And this,
    "Now the reason why this situation was uncomfortable for me is because (this is crazy, but it's my mind working overdrive) I felt like the only way I could have someone love me was by being with a gay guy, which made me feel like I would have to physically interact to not be "fake". It sounds weird, but for someone with really low self-esteem it was actually the way my mind thought of the situation."

    3. And this,
    "One has to see this and be the bigger person. "

    Unfortunately I have not trained my self to only give in love, I want to feel loved too. Like cuddle up with him when I want to, for me to look after him and him to look after me, play with his hair, touch him affectionately when I want to and when he wants me to and for me to make nice things for him, I want that kind of a sweet love.

    Believe me, I don't want to become that bitter person too, but I tend to think otherwise, I mean, who am I fooling by thinking that if I stay good, things that I wish would come true? If there was a higher rewarding system why am I not benefiting from it? This is the first person who I have actually felt real love for, (If you read my previous post in the link above you would see how I feel for him) and if I'm living a good life, why am I suffering this much? Why can't I have the love I'm asking for? I know you don't have the answers for these questions but I just wanted to get these out of me and try to find help or answers.

    Today
    is the 1st of April. I choose this day to express my love cause if it is to work it is the first day of a month and it would be nice and memorable to remember that day as the first day I told him how I felt and if it was not to work I could say it was a prank and just let him go away. (It would be sad but at least we could part in peace). I went to the temple yesterday and prayed that I would tell him that I love him and for the deities to help me to have the love that I want from him. Today I went to the temple again and prayed for this to happen. Then I went to the uni and I sat next to him. We spent the day as usual (him being the playful and smart character he is and me thinking of how to tell him that I love him throughout most of the lecture time). The first time I tried to tell him that I love him my whole heart just, I don't know how to explain it, it just felt like it contracted so hard. (Is that what people call "my heart skipped a beat"?) Then after the lecture ended I called him and he kind of didn't pay attention to it for me to complete the sentence. Then again after the lecture when we were walking in the corridors I said "I love you" to him. He looked at me smiling, then looked at his iPhone (Maybe to see if it was past 12.00 p.m. because April's fool is over after that time.) and kept on smiling. I can't remember what happened in a short time period after that. I remember hearing him saying "Let's pretend that you didn't say it" but I remember he was behind me when he said it and someone else started talking with him. Maybe he said it to that person.

    I don't know.

    I don't remember.

    When we came to the road he went on his way and I went to the other side and when I turned to the other side he asked me where I was going and then he said "Right". Maybe he remembered that I wanted to buy a new mouse for my laptop. That was it. I don't know if he think that I pranked him, but then I posted somethings in common group chats where both of us are on giving hints that I didn't prank anyone today.

    That's what happened today. I played my cards. Now it's up to the universe and it's goodness to help me if they actually are powerful or if they actually exist. I'm hoping for it to happen without being a trouble to anyone. Please wish me luck yourself and pray that this would happen.

    Again, thank you very much. You don't know how much your reply mean to me.
     
    jis03 and vicix2 like this.
  4. vicix2

    vicix2 Fapstronaut

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    I don't have time to reply properly now but HIGH FIVE brother, I believe you did the right thing.

    Good luck, if it doesn't work out you at least did your part, and that's what I think you should place your "value" on
     
    DYS1994 likes this.
  5. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you.
     
  6. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    P. S. - Would highly appreciate if you could explain the above facts to me when you have time.
     
    vicix2 likes this.
  7. vicix2

    vicix2 Fapstronaut

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    I have spent a long time writing this, and I noticed that it spinned out of control. I "forgot" to try to help you and ended up writing as self-therapy for my own problems. Actually YOU made ME really think about what I meant, which helped me go even deeper and find a deeper meaning in this. It is very long, so I can understand why you don't want to read it all. It's okay :) I'm sorry if it doesn't help you, but I think you will find something valuable in there if you try. I feel like it helped me see what's good again. This is something we need to remind ourselves of. Thank you.

    Also, please keep me updated on how you're feeling :)

    --- 1. ---

    "Made me wonder what was going on":
    I thought "I'm not gay? At least I'm pretty sure I'm not gay, why did I continue hanging out and talking to this guy even though I knew he wanted to have sex with me?".

    "Love":
    I didn't give two shits about his wanting for sex, cause I felt in control, but I still wanted his company. He was kind and he seemed to really try to understand me. It felt good to be wanted, even if it's someone I didn't want anything from. It just felt good to be validated.

    "I was lonely. And I've come to see that loneliness isn't relieved by someone's (your crush's) affection, it's relieved byexpressing who you really are. Even though I feel like "if I just had that cute girl from history class I would finally love myself and love life", I know intellectually that it's really me missing myself. I've simply not had the balls to stand up for myself and respect what I feel.":
    Picture this scenario: 1a) I'm by myself for a day and I do something that I really like. For example hiking in the mountains, editing a video from a trip and adding music, playing a computer game I really enjoy or creating something. When doing this I feel very much at ease with myself. I'm confident because confidence doesn't matter as there are no people to impress. I'm feeling loved because I can see that my body is doing something that the mind (or soul, I don't know) can "express" itself onto, and I validate it myself because I like what I'm doing.
    Now another scenario: 1b) I'm sitting in class, I have exams coming up and I'm not really looking forward to anything exciting in my life. The only thing I'm looking forward to is getting home, warming a pizza, getting in bed, opening netflix and eat the pizza, jerk off, take a snus (tobacco you put under the lip) and continue watching netflix. All this time I'm just trying to cover the pain of being alive the way I am. That has been a huge portion of my life.
    The difference between (1a) and (1b) is whether or not I am fulfilled within myself. If I'm "happy with what is", so to say. In both of these scenarios I'm alone. I can conclude that I can be happy and satisfied or unhappy and dissatisfied when I'm alone. This means that I don't need to be with others to be completely happy, but it also means that I'm not neccessarily happy when I'm alone.
    Now, with people: 2a) I'm with my girlfriend I haven't seen for a month. We go out to eat, we go to a show. We stay out late, have some drinks and talk from our hearts about how much we appreciate each other while walking around an old skiing facility. We get home, have sex, cuddle. I tell her how much I love her hair and how much it gets in my face when we sleep. She says my body warms hers. We fall asleep. There is nothing I would rather have done with my life then.
    Another scenario: 2b) It's a new years party. Everyone are dressed well and look their best. I look my best. But I don't feel my best. I'm tired, a bit nervous that my pants are too tight, a bit drunk after the wine. I have friends here, but I mostly laugh politely, not sincerely. I know that I'm going to feel a little drousy tomorrow. I know that I'm going to be tired for a while longer, because I'm going to work the day after that, and then there's another party. None of this pulls my dreams any closer. I don't even know WHAT my dreams are! I feel trapped and alone. Unfulfilled.
    From this I can see that I can be both happy and unhappy when I'm with other people. The difference is whether or not I say/ express what I really feel. If I dare to be honest and let my behaviour match my innermost emotions.

    I hope that it's somewhat relatable and understandable. What I'm trying to show is that I can be lonely regardless of me actually being alone or not, and the other way around. I wouldn't get less lonely if I had a girlfriend or friend. I would get less lonely if I showed the people around me what I really was and what really mattered to me.


    --- 2. ---

    I tried to explain this further up, and maybe it makes more sense for you now. If not, I'll try to explain in another way: I was lonely and didn't really have anyone to talk to since I was in a club with new friends and didn't feel like I could call my close friends this late. This guy and I seemingly had a lot in common. I talked about how much I miss having a girlfriend and someone to give my love (and money hehe) to. He talked about how difficult it was finding a good boyfriend, and how many guys only wanted sex. A part of me wished I was gay so that I could make him happy because I do feel like he deserves someone who would be good to him. Obviously, this wasn't a possibility, so we just kept on talking and bonding over our loneliness, encouraging each other saying "just keep on going, you'll find someone when it's the right time, don't worry". The problem with this is that I just pushed him away when he kissed me and I said "dude I'm not gay. I don't care about that, just don't do it again". I didn't understand that he might have "bonded" so well with me because he thought I might secretly be homosexual. He might just have been so nice to me so that he could "have me". So the moment I realized that he might be expecting something more after our talk, I had to go. Of course I would like to be friend with this person. I still believe he's a good person, and I don't want him to be lonely, but I want to spend time with people who like me because of who I am, not who they want me to be.

    This isn't really that relevant for you, I think, but it kind of shows what it feels like for me to be confronted with homosexuality. I am a pretty "soft" person, so some people might suspect I'm gay, and that's fine. But I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings like with the guy. That's why it can be difficult being completely honest about all this.


    --- 3. ---

    Here I'm talking about how we handle people who are against homosexuality. That debate is age-old, but the thing I wanted to point out was that a lot of people are very uncomfortable around the subject. I am too, somewhat. The problem is that a lot of people turn this fear into anger and hate. Don't say fuck those guys and be angry back at them. Accept that they don't understand. I don't understand how a man can want to cuddle late at night with another man, but I don't understand why girls want a man to touch them either. I only understand what I want. The rest I just... accept. So to people who might not accept you because of it: They are the ones with the issue. You have no obligation to help them see that there's nothing "evil" about homosexuality, but they really are just unsecure. Unsafe. And they feel a little bit helpless.
    That is my view on it. And I believe it can only be countered with accepting of what is. Which leads to some degree of understanding. Which leads to some degree of empathy. Which leads to love.


    -------------


    I don't think you should be nice. Fuck being nice, that's just a word people use to describe something that is "okay", but not really worth talking about. And I don't think the universe will reward you for being "good". I believe that you will make yourself happy when you have the honesty, courage and love to seize it.

    You have to take responsibility. You should be good because you believe it is the right thing to do. If not, then don't!

    Don't think that you are this poor, little soul all alone in the world.

    I'm here too.

    And I'm just a random guy you've met on the internet. Think of what else is out there waiting for you to act :)
     
  8. Physicist

    Physicist Fapstronaut

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    There is a simple answer.

    Love is a basic human need. Understand that and accept it. Then just know it will come.
     
  9. This might be a very unpopular view but I'll try. Life is all about give or take, owe or repay, and neutral. By understanding the positive or negative attractions between two people and how deep that attraction may be, you will understand whether you owe that person something. I'm trying to define Karma here if you believe which stretches many lifetimes. This is in response to the above how to get rid or overcome your love for someone who doesn't love in return. Hope this helps.
     
  10. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you too. Your reply is full of information that I had to read it twice and note down what I learned because I would forget some little facts mentioned before. Here are the three most important things that I learnt from your reply. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

    1. Love is not gender based as we think it is. We could love someone regardless of the fact that the other person loves us.

    2. You could be happy even if you have a partner or not. You could be happy if you have friends or not. You only need to be happy and satisfied with what you have.

    3. If you act good hoping good to happen for you, it's not a genuine act of good. Only after accepting and having enough kindness, empathy and love would you be able to do good things the right way.

    About the third fact. Yes, even though I'm doing good now expecting my wishes to come true, there was a time when I was little, when I was good because of the pleasure, happiness and good feeling I had after being good. I think I drifted away from it when I was desperate enough to kind of "sell" my good actions in return for "the love (or something other than love) I wish". But what also makes me sad was that when I see people with lesser kindness or goodness get the love they want. I'm not sad about the fact that they get it (No one should suffer lacking love like myself, even people who have lesser good intentions than me). I'm sad about the fact that I don't.

    Yes, I also have the fear of dying without being loved the way I want to be loved, dying without knowing what it feels like to be in the arms of your loved one experiencing love etc,. I mean I feel like I should find love when I'm young. When I also would be able to make the person I love happy, mentally, emotionally and physically.

    I'll surly contact you through PM and keep you updated. It's really nice to know that there is a friend somewhere who cares about how I really feel. Thanks again. :)
     
  11. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply, but I don't understand the part mentioned above.
     
  12. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a Buddhist, therefore I do know about Karma. Trust me I must have done something really, really bad for me to experience this much of suffering in this life. Karma has hit me where it hurts. I've been helping my friends who are couples in order to cancel out the negative effects that I'm currently suffering but it doesn't seem to work. Yes, I do know that there is no point in blaming the divine ones or any other person for the things that I'm suffering, but everyone deserves a chance to prove otherwise. Thanks.
     
  13. vicix2

    vicix2 Fapstronaut

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    It makes me very glad to read your reply. I too have that fear, the fear of not being loved. And I don't think we should neglect it. I believe that everything that happens can either have bad or good (or both) consequences. It is what we make it.

    Fear gives us a chance to step up our game, grow, and corageously claim our self-worth on our own terms.

    Fear (in all its forms) is probably my biggest challenge in life, and I can either lose or win the battle of overcoming it. I am a sensitive person towards external influences, so I easily get "blown away" by my sorroundings. This can make overcoming fear and being an "alpha male" more difficult, but I also it gives me the opportunity to see more, feel more and be more... No-one is punishing me other than me. I choose whether to let it continue or not.
     
  14. Physicist

    Physicist Fapstronaut

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    Understand and accept that love is a basic human need.

    Then what i meant was, have the confidence and tell yourself you will have it again. It is abundant in this world. Just have to look at the right places
     
    vicix2 likes this.
  15. jis03

    jis03 Fapstronaut

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    Hi DYS1994

    I feel so identified with you. Wow, it just seems incredible I find these kinds of situations over the internet. It definitely makes me feel less lonely. I also do not want to become a bitter person. People even called me Mr. Happy Face sometimes, but dealing with the things you describe is very hard. I know cause I've been there. I hope you'd like to have some small talk and we can help each other.

    Cheers,
     
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  16. IamMike

    IamMike Fapstronaut

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    As @Physicist pointed out, love and companionship as a human need that you shouldn't fight. Instead, accept and forgive all that has happened at this point as if starting a new, right down what you've learned and what to do better next time.. and now channel it as a motivator to get out there and actually genuinely attract the love and connections you crave.
     
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  17. vicix2

    vicix2 Fapstronaut

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  18. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    vicix2 likes this.
  19. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    Guess we're kind of in the same boat here. :)
     
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  20. DYS1994

    DYS1994 Fapstronaut

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    T
    Thank you. :)
     

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