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38 year old father, single with unpleasant relationship

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by SONofVEnus, Feb 23, 2016.

  1. SONofVEnus

    SONofVEnus Fapstronaut

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    Hi, i am 38 old father of a one year old son. I am from europe. The reason i joined the nofap is, because i found out there are repetative scenes in my life. I don't watch porn, and i rarely masturbate, because i found out i become sad and without a will after masturbation.
    But that doesn't make me free of sexual obsessions...
    I found out that after separation from any relationship i had an obsession of remembering the body of a girlfriend.... i was dreaming of her every night, mostly something about sex......
    This is the case right now, too.....
    We have 1 year old son, and we have been seperated more than 6 months.... we hadn't have sex for more than 14 months, and although we are seperated and i don't want to be with her anymore i have this obsession of seeing her naked and this obsession is pushing me to want to have sex with her, be with her, sleep with her.....
    And the same thing was with any other women.......
    I am afraid of her being with somebody else etc......
    So i am saying although i don't watch porn, masturbate, i know i am sexually obsessed...
    Because i don't feel freedom to be without her, or to start dating anybody else.... and it was influencing my self esteem in every relationship i had... i felt like being a slave to my wishes, needs, and at the end of being her slave......
    Thank you for reading this....
     
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  2. Septimus

    Septimus Fapstronaut

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    Welcome! I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back.
     
  3. Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to the feelings of obsession over a past relationship ...

    ... and the accompanying feelings of sexual jealousy. Even if these are not expressed to the other person in any way, as you noted already, they are unhealthy for us. This requires internal work and healing. For me it took a combination of approaches to get halfway stable about this:

    1) One is to get a more realistic view of the person- yes, the girlfriend may have a very sexy body that gives pleasure but obviously there are some other traits that don't make both sufficiently happy for it to work out. So recognizing the painful along with the pleasurable helps me check my thinking and behavior.
    2) I had to work on my mis-perception of my own self-esteem. This has deep roots in personality and upbringing. I found it very useful to read a series of books on the Enneagram theory of personality by Don Richards Riso and Russ Hudson. It really helped me understand why I thought and acted the way I did in my relationships and by identifying the personality type of my ex-es I could also see why they acted they way they did. Then it is easier to forgive and move on.
    3) Exercise and physical activity- this has a great effect on one's self-esteem.
    4) Cultivating or reviving hobbies such as music
    5) Meditation
    6) Reconnecting with friends and social gatherings
    Some of this is hard to do with an infant to care for. I had to care for a 3 year old for 6 months right after my divorce and I know that you can't take care of yourself while you are taking care of a kid and holding up your job. But slowly some of these changes can be introduced and by taking the help of others I hope you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best wishes to you! YB
     
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  4. SONofVEnus

    SONofVEnus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you YogiBlues. Thank you for being so warm and understanding. I will read it through few more times, and definitely try to get the books you suggested. And maybe I will write you more.

    Thank you, take care
     
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  5. SONofVEnus

    SONofVEnus Fapstronaut

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    Can you please suggest which book do you suggest i should begin with? Is it important?
     
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  6. Understanding the Enneagram is a great start. YB
     
    SONofVEnus likes this.
  7. You're welcome my brother! Hang in there and my prayers that things get better for you quickly. YB
     
    SONofVEnus likes this.
  8. SONofVEnus

    SONofVEnus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you YogiBlues. God bless you.
     

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