if you're down, please read this

Hey guys, as I'm scrolling thru posts I see a lot of desperation, feelings of failure, shame, all that stuff. Clearly by my screen name I'm a wife of a porn addict, so I can't pretend to know how you feel on your side of this. But just know that not only myself, but so many others here have such high regard for all of you. I think what you are doing, admitting you have a problem, working on solving that problem... its a noble thing. Yes you might relapse, yes you might feel like shit about yourself, yes you might have lost relationships. But I applaud you all for coming clean here, holding yourself accountable. Don't give up... you are all special souls worthy of love and compassion.

 

Waltz~ wow, from what you just said here, I swear you could be my husband and your wife could be me. VERY similar and familiar sounding to me. I'd be more than happy to help you. I feel that if I can be instrumental in some way to helping someones marriage thru this evil addiction, it's a good thing. I'd suspect that your wife would react very similar to how I did/am. I am more hurt than anything. Crushed to be honest. And so confused. I don't know if you read my thread that I started when I came here, but please do. I think it would be beneficial for you to see where your wife's head could be when this comes out. Her having an illness plays a part in this too...I mean in how she will feel. I had just had our two kids and came down with lyme disease. I was trying so hard to be a good mom and wife while I was literally fighting for my life. There were times I was so sick I would beg God to just take me. I have sat with bottles of pills in my hands, wondering which combination would do the trick. the ONLY thing that kept me fighting and hanging on was my husband and children. And it hurts to know that he was more worried about getting off than me. And I know that maybe I didn't show him enough attention, and he didn't feel like I really loved him, he felt that he was my "security blanket" , the paycheck every week. So when he wasn't getting as much sex as he got before we had kids and I got sick he turned to porn... and the hard part in that for me is the kind he watched, just normal women masturbating... made videos for significant other, relationship went sour, guy posted online. It'd be easier I think if it was some ridiculous fantasy porn...then when I got feeling better and my sex drive was thru the roof, we were having a lot of sex, and he was addicted by this point, so he continued to fap to the porn.. .he got ED by 35..which is another mindfuck for me. It hurts that my husband has to take pills to make love to me. For years it was one excuse or another.. .medications, weight, age, stress... and I'm sure all that stuff does play a small factor in all this, but now to find out this damn porn, these other women, stole all these years from me! My husband is the first and only man I have had an orgasm with, and we have AMAZING sex, literally like two souls becoming one, like nothing else in the world exists but the two of us. so all these years I could have been having this deep soul connection with my husband, stolen, gone. I have to run now, but I'd be happy to talk to you. If you want to message me you can, if there's stuff you're not ready for the world to know, or is you want to keep it on this thread you can.

 

Thank you Baffle, yeah with this new revelation in my life I have been doing a lot of research and talking to people on these forums which has been very helpful. I thought I was crazy, that I was over reacting because my past was so messed up, and it was kind of a relief to talk to other wives dealing with this, and also other guys who are, it helps me to understand a little better... it's all so sad. This addiction hurts everyone involved. And then to think that there are so many people out there who are dealing with this, but they don't even know it yet. And I just wanted to post this for everyone here because I was seeing so many posts of so many guys having a hard time, feeling depressed, worthless, not worthy of love etc, and it just broke my heart. All I could think is if it was my husband posting this stuff, and if he was feeling like this, I would be sad. And while I feel like we should have never been in this position in the first place, and this has stolen so much from him, from me, and from us, and it's hard to say "I am proud of you" because it's like I'm proud of you for doing what you should have been doing in the first place, it's just all so messed up. I do hope you guys will look for my forum posts... or I will try to link it here because I go more in depth about my own feelings so you can see how this affects your significant other. I probably should add to it. I had copied my very first post from another forum, and I might copy/paste some of my other ones... I only did that because I am so emotionally drained, I'm so confused, so broken, it's hard to think and put it all into words, and it's not just some simple black and white thing anyhow. hopefully this works, here's the link to my original post here... hope it helps some of you http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?5722-wife-of-porn-addict&p=32302#post32302

 

oh and also Baffle... yes we are in a much better place now. We are closer than ever. Sex is better than ever, in fact we are worse than a couple teenagers lately lol. But we have talked a lot, cried a lot, idk, I guess I finally feel safe, because I know he's finally being totally open and honest with me... well, I wouldn't say totally, he doesn't talk about this that much, but you know what I mean. And thing is, I always knew something was wrong....but I always thought it was me. that I wasn't perceiving things right, or over reacting or whatever... but that womens intuition man... I want to kick myself for not listening to it all those years ago, but I can't undo the past. But we are better now than we have ever been, and I think it's because we are much more affectionate, caring, loving, we take time for each other etc.