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Gay thoughts? What has happened to me?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Jreeze2015, Jul 19, 2015.

  1. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    My story: I am a 21 year old male. Ever since I can remember I've been attracted to women. I started watching porn when I was 13. Started out your average straight porn. I was obsessed with the female body. I have only ever had sexual encounters with girls. I even went to an all guys high school, showered naked with dudes, never once had a gay thought or was turned on by other dudes. In fact I hated being at an all dudes school, they all fart and are ugly and gross as shit.

    Throughout all of high school, I was watching porn. I had sex with 12 girls from age 15-19. My point in all of this is that I can never ever recall even thinking about dudes in that way. I always loved hooking up with girls, although sometimes struggling with ED which I think was just nerves at that point, having sex with them, etc.

    So when I turned 19 is when the first gay thought popped into my head. It was when I noticed a weaker erection to porn. The thing is I never escalated into gay porn, which I notice a lot of guys in here do. It was when I noticed the dude and his penis more in porn that a switch kind of flipped. Ever since that day 2 years ago I have constant thoughts of other dudes penis in my head. I get an almost anxiety type of arousal to these thoughts. And it's only of another dudes penis or a dude that's muscular and pounding something out. I never get an erection from these thoughts only a weird type of reaction which almost feels like arousal. Since that time I've never experienced the same attraction to women as I use too. I take notice of other dudes now to see if I'm attracted to them, which as far as I can tell I never am. I don't know how to explain it to people who don't have this problem. I get so nervous around other men now when I never use too in the past. I use to be so comfortable in my sexuality. Now I am bombarded with constant gay thoughts. I have no desire to pursue a dude. I have never felt emotionally attracted to a guy. I have had one girlfriend of 2 years, my first love, who I know I was attracted both physically and emotionally too. In other words, deep down I know I am not gay, but why do these thoughts of penis, particularly in a "porn type of scene way", pop into my head? I have went to an HOCD therapist and underwent exposure therapy and all it did was make things worse. I am on 21 days into my reboot. This is my last chance to experience some sort of normality. My life has done a complete 180 in the last 2 years. I am so lost. I hate going out anymore because I'm constantly analyzing the way I feel around people. I am constantly anxious. I have PIED and haven't had a solid rock hard erection with a girl in 5 months, which was with my ex girlfriend surprisingly after 2 weeks of NoFap (that streak had ended). I am just hoping that rebooting will solve my problems. All I ever wanted in life is to have that a normal male sex drive back. To be able to be comfortable around people, and not constantly have gross thoughts that riddle me with anxiety in my head. I am not the same person I use to be. Porn addiction has cost me so many years of my life. It has made me weak, it has taken away the only girl I've ever loved, and it has twisted my sexuality. I pray that this reboot will work
     
  2. JohnnyFavourite

    JohnnyFavourite Fapstronaut

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    When you quit something like porn and masturbation it is natural for the withdraw period to be confusing and scary. Just because you think of men in porn situations doesn't necessarily mean anything about your sexuality. Your brain is addicted to porn, and men having sex are a part of porn. Your brain is clinging to what it is addicted to.

    I am absolutely heterosexual, but I went through a period where I was paranoid that I was really gay. I was afraid that noticing how attractive a guy was or feeling sexual arousal in a changeroom was necessarily connected to being sexually aroused by men, but I know that this is not the case, that I was feeling suppressed fear that I wasn't used to dealing with.

    Sounds like you don't have anything to worry about, you just have some work ahead of you learning to process your emotions healthily. Stay strong!
     
  3. JohnnyFavourite

    JohnnyFavourite Fapstronaut

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    Culturally there is a lot of shame and guilt and fear around sex, and so people do things like avoid dealing with these emotions by mistreating other people, or using porn, etc. etc. So in the process of rebooting it may take a while for you to learn to deal with these thoughts and feelings you never had to face before.

    Every emotion has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and if you train yourself to stay calm and centered no matter what you are feeling, eventually the feeling will pass. Meditation and breathing exercises are great for learning how to do this.
     
    Markguy and Arley like this.
  4. SkyDoge

    SkyDoge Fapstronaut

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    If it helps, this isn't uncommon for porn addiction. I am a very straight guy who also had weird thoughts about guys occasionally. I promise it goes away once you stop looking at a bunch of dicks all day hahaha

    When you're ejaculating too frequently, it also upsets the balance of testosterone and estrogen in your body.
     
    JohnnyFavourite likes this.
  5. Arley

    Arley Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like HOCD me ... From what I've read about it. I am gay myself and I have to admit I find it challenging to have empathy ... Since the implication is that having a gay identity is so horrible in some people's minds that they develop so called "unwanted thought syndrome" around it.

    That said, if exposure therapy didn't work then try another type of therapy. Also there are medications for alleviating some OCD symptoms. I've heard of Paxil being used for it for example.
     
  6. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    The thing is is that it's not horrible in my mind at all. If I was a gay person I would accept that. It's the fact that the thoughts are unwanted. They don't cause me arousal but make me anxious and stressed. Let me as you, do you feel anxious and stressed about your sexual thoughts? Probably not. Imagine having thoughts of woman's vaginas and having sex with woman blasting off in your mind all day. The more you try and stop them the harder they come on. I know it sounds like it is some form of denial but it isn't. Most HOCD people don't see anything wrong with being gay. It is the fact that the thoughts go against who they are as a person and who they have always been. If you don't have OCD it's hard to understand. But I think you should have empathy for people like me because we do not see anything wrong with being gay. I fully support gay rights and have no problem with gay people at all.
     
    Arley likes this.
  7. Don't fight the emotions. Just allow your body to feel them. You're straight, we get that, but just allow yourself to let the emotions of being gay take it's course in your body. This is called Emotional Processing. It doesn't matter if you're straight or not. Just let your body feel what it wants to feel. Accept the feelings and emotions that are passing through your body.

    This has happened to almost every male. It happened to me for a while when I was about age 17-20. It's absolutely normal. The key is to just embrace the feeling of it, then it'll no longer be a battle. It's actually that simple. Just simply let the emotions pass through and exit your body. If you refuse to actually feel them and let them take their course, the feeling will stay and will continue to be a "battle". Just embrace it and then it will leave. You over complicate it by stressing over it.
     
    Pixelated Victory likes this.
  8. Arley

    Arley Fapstronaut

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    I DO have empathy ... Just when I first read about that particular form of OCD recently ... I was taken aback.

    No, I get it. I don't have anything near the full version of unwanted-thought-syndrome OCD but I have it a tiny bit of it - so I have a small idea of how distressing it would be. Basically on occasion like if Im around a family member (I'm very close to my family) and there will be like some sharp object lying around like a knife or scissors, a little thought pops in to my mind like "what if I just stabbed my mother right now????" It's some kind of weird anxiety based on how much fear of losing someone I love so much. With other people they will be in some formal setting like a church or something and they think "what if I just screamed a bunch if obscenities right now?????". They'd never in a million years do it nor do they have any desire to do it - but some weird little OCD short circuit makes them obsess about it. Same thing with HOCD.

    I have empathy, That's why I made some casual suggestions at the end. I've known some people with other forms of OCD and I've heard that medication and therapy have made a difference and you had said you'd only tried exposure therapy.
     
  9. Pixelated Victory

    Pixelated Victory Fapstronaut

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    Dude, here is what I want you to do. Sit the fuck back, take a deeeep breath, and relax. That's step one. Step two, you have to look at yourself in the mirror, and accept that in order to get rid of your HOCD you are going to have to draw yourself CLOSE to those thoughts. DO NOT try to NOT think about them, or partake in behavior that would in any way be classified as checking (watching and getting off to straight porn, having straight sex, avoiding your guy friends altogether etc.).

    I have HOCD too, man. But since I have accepted those thoughts and not worked against them, things have gotten better. This will be very difficult in the beginning. Your anxiety will be a bit higher but that is a good thing! When you aren't anxious because you partake in destructive checking behavior like I mentioned above, that only strengthens HOCD. Every time a bad thought pops up into your head, say "I might be gay, but that's alright", or simply "I don't care". You are not gay. But bringing yourself close to your fear will eliminate it.

    Keep away from porn at all costs too. I am 9 days clean, and I definitely think my HOCD spurred from my porn habits. I never got off to gay porn either, but it was just from looking at naked dudes pound girls that got me I believe. Hang in there, and remember to just relax and allow these thoughts to pass through your mind like a boat floats down a river.
     
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  10. Diesel74

    Diesel74 Fapstronaut

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    Take a look at your diet. Do you eat dairy or soy products? Are you overweight? Do you use products such as underarm deoderent or cologne? Do you drink bottled water? All these things plus a great deal of other actions are estrogenizing. When your body has more estrogen coming in than your nuts can overcome, your brain starts to think like a woman. There have always been gay men and women although they're exponentially many more today. Take a good look at what your putting into and on your body.
     
  11. Arley

    Arley Fapstronaut

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    There's absolutely no more gay people then there ever was. Not to mention "exponentially". Gay people were forced to keep s very low profile in the past. Now much less so and so they're more visible.

    And no, despite what Alex Jones or any other exploitive nut job out there says, bottled water, soy, deodorant, or (my favorite) metallic juice box linings aren't going to make anyone gay even if they may or may not have some slight effect on estrogen levels.
     
  12. Pixelated Victory

    Pixelated Victory Fapstronaut

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    Not to be a hater, but what you put into your body absolutely does not determine your sexuality. You are born and whatever you are at that point you are.
     
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  13. Arley

    Arley Fapstronaut

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    Yes it may have some effect on aspects of you're sexual physiology ... sexual orientation is not one of them.
     
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  14. feo1966

    feo1966 Fapstronaut

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    He talks about this in Your Brian on Porn. It has a lot to do with simply looking for a bigger hit of dopamine. I am straight, but was into transwoman porn for a while, so pretty darn close to gay sex.

    Porn escalates into more unusual stuff. And if you are straight .....gay sex is unusual.

    And in the book, he talks about how these fetishes fade away as you recover.
     
  15. Diesel74

    Diesel74 Fapstronaut

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    Wrong on both statements. Ask any transgender. If you want to be more manly take testosterone. If you want to be a woman take estrogen. Everything you take in effects hormones.

    And there more gays today than ever before simply due to exponential population increase.

    I know your passionate about this topic but do not compare me to alex jones or call me crazy. Soy is estrogenizing. These are facts.
     
  16. Jreeze2015

    Jreeze2015 Fapstronaut

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    Yea I don't know what your talkin about dude. Sexual orientation is innate. It's not something effected by hormones. I've seen masculine gay men who are jacked and just like dudes. I've also seen feminine straight men.
     
  17. DKO

    DKO Fapstronaut

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  18. Diesel74

    Diesel74 Fapstronaut

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    Okay, no problem! Ill bow out! Just trying to help!
     
  19. Pixelated Victory

    Pixelated Victory Fapstronaut

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    Products can change your physical makeup, but cannot change the way you "think" and what you are attracted to. Maybe there are more gays today due to population increase, but the ratio has always been similar throughout time. Being gay used to not be accepted, now it is very common and very okay.
     
  20. Arley

    Arley Fapstronaut

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    Nope not at all.

    First, not being "manly" and being gay are not the same thing. There's lots of extremely "manly" gay men. Also, gay men don't want to be women. They want to be gay men. Transgender people take hormones to change their physical appearance. They're sexual orientation is already quite set in stone before they ever take the pills.

    As far as population increase … I assume you meant percentage wise, not just numbers wise … In fact, I'm sure that's what you meant since you were implying that due to modern consumer products such as bottled water, deodorant, and processed soy (which is added to so many other foods) that there are more gay people than when these products weren't being consumed. Thus, higher percentage.
     

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