Back after a 7-month long denial

Hello guys. I'm writing this after 7 months of inactivity on this site. For the most part in the beginning things were under control. My PMO was up but it was still at an all-time low in my life. And I fed myself the lie that PMOing and living can somehow co-exist and that I can keep 'a fine balance' again. Regardless to say, I was wrong. Today I'm nearing my all-time lows again. I sound very self-bashing I know, my therapist once told me that I always put myself under a ton of pressure and have a pattern of pointing about everything that's wrong with me instead of what's right. I know this really isn't a big deal for most of you here but I'm not exactly in a good spot in life. I just graduated and everyday I need to look up company job postings, apply to 15-20 of them, read up on material nonstop. I have student loans that are going to be due soon and the anxiety is all too-real. Everyday I make food at least once, clean up, do my problems, read other books and basically try to keep myself busy because otherwise I feel like a lazy slob and eventually this pressure drove me back to PMO. I had made so much progress in my senior year by quitting PMO its astounding now that I look back. Even though my max was only 45ish days I think, I had conquered social anxiety, battled and defeated my depression, picked up great habits and skills that I have in my arsenal even today and just so much more. And today I find myself regressing back into those same old patterns. I am under a lot of pressure though, constantly forcing myself to run the rat race of life and never allowing myself to pause and look back. Constantly thinking I need to keep pushing and pushing but this very mentality and the failure to hit ALL of my set targets has led my mind to just say 'fuck it' and regress into the same patterns. If you look through all my previous posts they follow a similar patter- just like a lot of people. Constant self-loathing and bashing myself up for being hooked on to a drug that millions are hooked on to. But that hasn't helped. But again, I am certain of the fact that this is something I truly need to rid myself off in life. I truly believe living a P free life- if not an M free life is *vital* to finding yourself otherwise- and read this very carefully- you will come into this world, fap your life away and die while wondering what the point of it all was unless you decide to stand up and fight back. Read that again and keep reading that until it is etched into your brain. YOU WERE NOT JUST BORN TO FAP AND DIE-but at the same time you cannot keep blaming yourself. Your biggest enemy is you. You are in your way, evolution-the single most powerful force in human civilization stands in your way so please for heavens' sake don't beat yourself up for relapsing-it is probably *the toughest* battle people fight and even the fact that you are fighting it speaks volumes of your intentions. And now what you need to do is convert these intentions to actions. Give yourself other releases. Have some dessert at home and reward yourself with it every time you think of PMOing and you don't do anything about it. Yes, you may gain weight but if you workout, it'll be well within your reach and this is really a small price to pay for defeating biology itself. Make sure you don't stress yourself out- set high but realistic goals and make sure you are in touch with how you feel. If you think being a cold-non feeling machine will solve your problems you couldn't be more wrong. So that's my conclusion. Work hard but go easy on yourself on some days- keep cheap rewards (eating a snack, watching Netflix or reading short stories) well within your reach so you can binge on them instead on bingeing on PMO. And if you are just about to begin, start by completely cutting out P. No erotic stories, no kik, none of that bullshit. If you want to M, do it with your own imagination for the first 1-2 weeks and then start your 100-day journey. I am going to post more frequently now as I start this journey again from Day One. Let's get in touch if you are also starting out and are in a similar place like me- had achieved a lot in the past and is back in the old cycles again. Message me even if you just want to talk. Let's all grow together. Stay strong my brothers and sisters-and don't forget to be kind to yourselves.