social embarrassment and me

this will be self talk.....so i think its going to be a long boring post.....i am doing this for myself......to understand one of the root cause of my messed up psyche.......
its been more than 2 years since i am on this forum.....and still i am a loser.....i would say....i am more broken than before....
since my childhood.....there is something weird about my thoughts.......but i was not much affected by other opinions......also i was pretty confident......i think i was confident till 15 years of age.....but i was basically having some sort of personality or beliefs.....i was in touch with the kind of person i am............infact i used to get inspired from other people's personality.......and i have copied them a lot..........thats why i think i can be a very good actor..........i am good in reading brains and copying others........
then i got addicted to pmo.....it become a cycle of pmo depression social anxiety....no motivation......dream like feeling........i would say.....nightmare like......
then i was getting judged by others........i was not used to this opinion.......but i have literally seen people laughing at me.....which did a terrible thing to me......that is confusion......yes.....i am not even saying they affected my confidence......the worst thing in this scenario is the confusion regarding my personality.........and as far as i can remember......from year 2011-2016.....i was literally having no personality of myself.....i was not even copying others..........so in short......i was not aware.....of myself.......in raw interactions.....i used to wear a fake mask of confidence.....which would slowly get removed.......that worked for me......but it was not satisfying.........because it was not me......
slowly a perception which was almost true regarding me was popular.........i was the certified weird person.....or a very "gentle" guy.......here gentle will be synonymous with pussy....
i have plenty of these opinions and judgements thrown at me.....but there were some who were of different opinion......they were basically those who knew me on a personal level........but eventually they also termed me as a loser.....
now the thing is.......this destroyed my personality or the self beliefs.......i was just doing non productive activities........pmo one of them......
sometimes i used to go clean for few days....which helped me to gain little confidence.....but then one relapse....affected my confidence and then the next interaction with that person turn out be a bit stressful for me.......
this continued for a long time.....what this do to me was that i started doubting my way of seeing things.........this leads to a constant confusion between my ideology......
now coming to 2017....i am very much honest to myself.....i have opened to others regarding my anxiety issues......but what it did was that i was not able to develop myself......now the problem is when i make the things complicated then i again"loose" the touch with my personality.......which makes me more nervous in interactions......but again this can be a false belief of mine........
so the solution which i think of this "disease" is........that
no one knows my true story...or the struggles behind the scenes......so i should not accept their judgements....
also no matter what .....its people's job to observe or judge others.....even i do it sometimes.....so there will be many who will be of negative opinion
laslty.....i will not loose the touch of my true personality.....since 2017 i am using this technique....which has sometimes helped to handle extreme anxious situation........so no matter which path i take.....i will be true to myself.....
also i need to watch some embarrassing videos of other people.....so that i can understand that i am not alone......
i do hope.....typing out my emotions and thoughts would help me........because i have realized this is one of the deepest issues of my constant relapse and the fear to take challenges...

 

thanks a lot for your time ....
the feeling that i am not alone.....gives me hope and peace

 

Wow... you remembered my name....
Actually I joined a gym.....so I got sometimes panic attacks.....and I will see those people for next four months......but sometimes I am able to handle myself......so it's a mix of both......
But I am generally the quiet awkward body language guy.....
That's why I have joined gym to improve my posture....
Yes....now I am not bothered to accept my anxiety and insecurities in front of anyone......
Earlier I used to pretend as if I am someone else or a "fake" charismatic person......but eventually truth used to come out......also I hate wearing masks......I believe how I behave at home should be the same way in public......also being honest to myself helps me to know other people properly.......but as I said everything has it's pros and cons...... sometimes people are too insensitive.....they took our weakness as a joke ......
That's why I am naturally introverted.....
I just don't want the uneasiness while interacting with others....

 

I think I have been doing this