29yo M, PM addiction for 10yrs, it ends HERE!

Hi everyone,

I'm already benefiting from this great site, but thought I'd introduce myself.

I'm a 29 year old guy from Europe. I used porn from the age of about 15 and think (though I didn't know it at the time) I became addicted from about 18 onwards.

The impacts, unsurprisingly, have been pretty terrible:

• Very limited sexual experience (too ashamed/addicted to go out and meet girls)
• A lack of sexual intimacy in an otherwise very loving and committed long-term relationship, which ended last year
• PIED means I'm struggling to get or maintain a hard on with a girl I recently started dating, jeopardising a relationship before it's even got going and leaving me feeling ashamed, embarrassed, pathetic
• A general feeling that, over the last 10 years, I've never done anything to my full potential, I've kept procrastinating on ideas and dreams that I had and I've missed out on so many opportunities to actually live life and have great experiences

About 3 years ago I realised, with the help of a therapist, that what I had wasn't just a "problem with P", but an addiction. Viewing it as that has helped me to separate genuine feelings of arousal, excitement and desire from the urge to feed my addiction. Seeing P for what it is and acknowledging the enormous damage it's done already in my life, I know I need to quit. I can't even see it as an option or occasional indulgence - as an addict I will not be able to control it if I don't stop it completely.

I'm currently on a no PM 90-day challenge. I'm not doing no PMO because I am already dating (having taken a good 9 months of recovery time since breaking up with my previous, long-term girlfriend). I know this isn't ideal from a recovery point of view, but to do no PMO will require breaking some emotional bonds I've already started developing through dating. Ultimately, if that's what I have to do to heal properly, then I will have to go through that. But for now, I'm doing no PM.

At the moment, I'm on day 5 of no PM. I've had longer streaks in the past, but I've never had the level of conviction and commitment that I have now to quitting 100% for good. Previously, I've always left the door open to P and found ways to justify it. Not this time. This is the end of it, and the start of a new, much happier, healthier and more fulfilling life!

I've already found a helpful and supporting AP on here, but very open to joining other groups that could help support me and where I could help support others. Or if you want to connect directly, feel free to get in touch.

 

Thanks for the support, everyone! I'm feeling so positive right now. I know it will get more difficult, I've reached beyond this stage before, but it really does feel different this time.

I fundamentally believe I can become the person I want to be - happy, healthy, confident, actively participating in society and enjoying what life has to offer. On previous attempts, I've still had a feeling of being isolated, shameful, too messed up to be able to rejoin the real world. This time it feels like there's something worth fighting for.