Biggest problem I've ever had to solve

Welcome and good luck!

 

Hi ManAtWork, welcome, and wishing you loads of strength of good luck on your journey away from PMO. Even though you still relapse frequently, from the sound of it your are on the good track. You acknowledged you have a problem, and seem persistent to fight this addiction. The remaining journey will still be very difficult, but keep up the good work! You can do it!

 

Oh man! I finally get somebody who is passing for the same that I do, it is not only that I watch porn as a real man desiring to have sex with beautiful woman, this is even worst as I desiring to be the woman, as I getting excited about thinking about being humiliated, treated as a crap. The most denigrated, the most weak and emasculated I feel it excites me more. I'm 32 years old now, I was married ones to good woman, I was dressing her clothes and putting on her makeup during 3 years of marriage and watching porn. Then I end up confessing it to her, she let me crossdress freely for a while while she left with her female friends, the thing is that she changed those female friends for a male friend and end up in a hotel with him, this while I was at home dress with her clothes behaving like a fagot having virtual sex with a man. After weeks of this she divorced from me. I lost a marriage because of this. Then I tried to recover and after 3 years of that I am married again but now I am struggling again, the desires comes again and I haven't crossdress anymore because it really hurt me to loose my first wife, but still I have big desires on crossdressing, be humiliated, be taken from a man, etc. I want to scape from this but it really excites me. In the moment I just get exposed I fall in cannot stop unless I masturbate and behave like a pork, then I feel terrible.

 

Yes that is right, but even If they would be forced to put those messages like they do in cigarettes, people still would consume it because they are already addicted and those starting always thing: I wont get that far is just for a while.

 

Hello and welcome!

We are glad to have you as a part of our community. Here are some quick links to get you started.

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If you wish to keep a journal of your progress you can do so in the appropriate section found here

You can also take part in one of the many challenges available. It can be a tremendous help. Challenges

Also, there are groups you can also join if you wish to do so. You can browse through them here. Groups

There are plenty of wonderful, friendly and knowledgeable people here to help you along on your journey to a life free of PMO. I wish you nothing but the best!

 

Yes it is sad, but still it would aroused me just to remember how is that my wife was with another man in a hotel while I was at the same time dressed as a woman with her lingerie, her clothes, her make up, heels and a wig and still having cyber sex with another man, that's a complete fagot, the less man you can get to be, cuckold and fagot and that was me. That is how twisted this can get you to be.

 

I'm there. I know this. The question I ask myself is: Why do I hate myself so much that I feel I should abuse myself? I've went a different path though, more self-abuse like. Tying myself up, almost to the point of danger, hitting myself (including in the face during fapping). All kinds of stuff to get that adrenaline going.

What REALLY confronted me was when I had the nerve to film it once. I looked back at it, and almost couldn't look at myself, my face as I was doing it. It was so confrontational. But it really opened my eyes and I know I never want to do that again (haven't engaged in such behavior in weeks, luckily).

 

Oh that is so sad! you know that remembers me what happend to me like 3 days ago, after being in the restroom about two hours in my work instead of doing my duties, I was watching the sissy porn and getting pleasure while imagine I was a fagot being humiliated. Ones I ejaculate I finally was able to scape from there and went to the car at the parking lot, then I saw my face in the rare mirror, my eyes all red and my expression my eyebrows down as sad, then I felt a lot of compassion for myself and I thought what have I done to you my dear friend and then started crying and saying to myself I am sorry, I love you! and then I started thinking on how to get out of this and one of the ideas was trying to get some website or something to get help and this is how I end up here.

You are right, you don't even think in you, don't even think in the people who loves you when you are in those moments, that just trapped you, looks like ones that whole hormones rush finishes one comes back to reality and then is when you are aware of what you have done. So this is about avoid getting exposed to lust.

 

Yes, lust. I have been thinking a lot on that. For myself I doubt that self abuse really is lust. I mean I feel lust when I did it, but it's sort of like an emptiness that I was trying to fill. A bottomless thirsty pit always hungry for that extra kick.

But I'm also sure there are plenty of psychological aspects interfering. I think the lust to self-abuse comes from self-loathing. What was it that I did to myself, to make me want to abuse myself? I think it was shame and anger, over the PMO. I think it's a feedback loop, like putting the microphone in front of the speaker. The PMO'ing increases the shame and self-loathing, that induces a sub conscious need to self-abuse.

As soon as I started NoFap, the entire idea of such self-abuse seems much more ridiculous now to me than a few weeks ago. I am convinced that as my self esteem grows, the need for it will fall away. Love yourself, brother!

 

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Well see, I dont remember I've been abused, but I was about 9 years old and I was already dressing fully as a woman using pantyhose, heels, bra, makeup, etc all dressed up with my mom stuff (not even girls at that age wear like that, I was attempting to dress as a grown girl), I wasn't exposed to porn yet that happened until middle school when I was about 12. But that day I was all dressed up in my bedroom rubbing my penis with the clothes still on and I was imagining an a middle age man was abusing of me, my hand supposed to be his hand and he touching me under the skirt. That is how I got my first orgasm, I didn't even noticed when it happened, just when I was taking the panty off I got that white liquid all spread, I didn't even know orgasms exists, so sad that I discover orgasms like that. But the thing is that how is that a boy that age things that kind of stuff even before porn? how is that I was feeling pleasure in the idea of being abused by a man? why did I even had those ideas?, that's why I am wondering that maybe somebody abused of me even younger but I don't really remember it but that's weird, how could somebody just could forget something like that?, but still I don't understand how is that that boy (me of the past) has those ideas? So since then I've seen I just keep recurring to the same scene, being a woman sexy dressed and being abused by a man but after being exposed to porn, and after having different much more experiences on crossdressing and cyber sex the desires increased and I understand the more you get involved in this kind of stuff they more you twisted and perverted you may become. But I wonder how is that I even started with this, why? why those thoughts as 9 years old child, and I guess I started crossdressing even younger because at that age I was already fully crossdressing, don't even remember when was the first time I dressed.

 

The chemical and hormonal aspects should not be underestimated there, I think. The brain can think of many things, all by itself. By the age of 9 you've consumed thousands of hours of television, media, stories and doubtlessly you've somehow come across images and innuendo's that you picked up subconsciously.

As I myself had hormonal inbalances during my youth (e.g. for a time during my 6th I suddenly got public hair and a growth spurt, which went away on my 8th, to return when I was 10). I experienced similar things, very perverse dreams about my teachers, dreams of doing things a kid doesn't even think about. Yet I dreamed them. The mind is a mysterious thing and sometimes you have to accept it the way it comes.

It's NOW that matters and your decision to NoFap and stop PMO. You know it's causing you grief and sorrow and you know you want to decide to stop it, as it's escalating. Stick with that thought!

And I promise you that once you succeed with banning PMO from your life, the answers to these questions will become much clearer. You're still in the Fog of addiction zone. It's like an RTS where you can't see parts of the map that you haven't visited yet, they're fogged out. Keep playing and RTS'ing, until the entire map is visible.

 

Its crazy how porn escalates the same way for everyone here, including myself.
It just shows what a global epidemic porn has become.
Be proud of yourself that you are aware of your condition good luck!!

 

Heyyy welcome to the NoFap forum : ) It's nice to see you here fighting the good fight alongside us!

Here is just some advice:

First and foremost please take a look at each section in the forum, there might be something(s) you may find of big help to you. Feel free to post there :+)

Then secondly I just strongly advise you to be active on your profile(as there quite a few active people in the profile section). Please start by choosing an avatar and then make daily status posts to show you're active and needing support/encouragement. They've also got a neat little feature that shows freshly posted statuses for all users to see. People will find your profile and give you encouragement/support.

People (are beginning to) love communicating in the profilesection..(it should be and is )mostly spportive talk but it doesn't hurt to deviate from supportive talk. It would be great to have you join in and support others in the threads, profiles, and journal, we could always use your help and in return you shall receive some as well!

Thirdly, You should also highly consider creating a public journal and write about your days in more depth for us members to follow along your journey and offer support to you by way of posting in your journal.

Last but not least: Good luck on your journey here, make sure to really give it a try with all your heart!

 

If you have a sissy fetish you need to increase your serotonin levels. I have a thread in my profile for how to do this.

 

My porn addiction also took me to a terrible place and showed a wrong version of myself. A handsome man jacking off to she-male and rape porn.
My dark little secret reached a new level of rock bottom.

Luckely i stopped in time, but I know of guys in different forums even visiting she-male hookers because a normal woman cant make them come anymore.
Just normal hetero lads that turned into something they could never have imagined.

Well, there is always a path back to 'normal' but it will take more time and effort if you went deep deep down the dark rabbit hole.
I only know one friend in real life that succesfully made this change and now has a nice wife and beautiful child. I never openly talked with him about this, since it would also expose my fragile situation, but i can imagine this will also be something he will be struggeling with.
Like with cocaine, you will remain a addict even years and years of being clean.

But, no matter how bad it went, hang in there buddy and keep fighting for your life because you deserve a life of happiness.
You only have to pay price that is stopping with porn and mastrubation.
Its all or nothing