How to deal with my mother

I have huge problems with my mother who can't accept that I'm a grown up person who will turn 40 in two years. Despite my age she would still like to control me and my life.

I live on my own and visit her once a month. Every time I visit her, she tries to make me feel bad because I don't want her unsolicited advices. I have told her numerous times please, don't give me your advices, opinions and judgements if I haven't asked for them. What's worse, when she gives such advices and opinions she also expects I'll be grateful for them and act in that way. She's also the most judgemental person I've ever met.

Then when I don't let her influence me, she becomes very passive-agressive. She starts crying and making all the nonsense accusations. She's a master in using emotional blackmail just like her mother was. "You can do whatever you want, but you can't change the fact that I'm your mother. Don't forget that I'm still your mother" is one of her favorite lines.

For whole life she treated me like I don't know what's best for me and that she is the one who will guide me. Needless to say that this is the main reason I still struggle with low self-esteem and depression. I talked about this a lot with my therapist and she agrees that my mother is one of the biggest reasons for my problems.

But I don't resent her. She really believed she was doing what was the best for me. However she couldn't stop with that when I was 18. She couldn't stop when I moved away at 20. And she still can't stop now when I'm almost 40.

I really don't know what to do. I don't want to fight with her. I'd like to have a normal relationship with her. But every time I try to patiently explain her that please, I don't need your advices, opinions and judments, it's like I'd press the big red button. The problem is, she can't be non-judgemental. She can't just listen to me and not feel the need to give me advices and opinions on how I should have done better.

And then the dreaded "you never tell me anything about yourself, about your life". Of course I don't because I don't want to listen to your judgements and your know-it-all opinions.

I'm really baffled what to do. I do care for her. And she also did a lot of good for me. But trying to talk with her about this always ends with judgements and accusations that I'm not grateful for what she did for me and that I don't respect her. Which is totally not true, but she is not able to see the grayscale, just black and white.

It seems like I'm hitting the wall.

(Sorry for my English, I'm not a native speaker)