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How to interpret this "relapse"? *possible trigger warning*

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Aug 17, 2019.

  1. I would like to ask for insight from porn addicts about my SO's "relapse/reset" (?). When I was using his computer the other day and going through his Steam library, I discovered that he had taken "questionable" screenshots during some of his gaming sessions of Resident Evil 2 (remake). In the beginning of the game, the player will be at a gas station and inside, there is a backroom that has 4 posters of bikini models. He took a couple of screenshots of them and then apparently casually moved on with the game (he had also taken non-sexual screenshots during the same session). During another session of the same game - he had apparently unlocked a female character's 'special outfit' that showed a bit of cleavage - he took 3-4 screenshots in different angles of said female character focusing on her cleavage. Now I don't know at all how to interpret his actions. Based on the timestamps of the screenshots, I know that he just casually quit the game and went on to do other things. So that makes me wonder a) if he was supposed to be recovering from porn, why would he have made those screenshots in the first place? Shouldn't he have felt immediately triggered and wanting to avoid seeing such triggers at all costs rather than taking screenshots of them and having to focus on them further? And also b) if he was supposed to be recovering from porn, and supposedly did have a moment of weakness there, wouldn't he have felt sexually triggered and wouldn't he have further acted on that feeling rather than just casually continuing to play the game? I can't really think of any situation where a guy would not feel aroused and able to focus on something else when seeing sexy bikini models other than being desensitized from porn addiction.

    I hope someone can help, thank you.
     
  2. Just talk with him. By the way, I am not sure if checking his files and accounts is the best way to establish trust in your relationship.
     
  3. I used to do stuff like that. Saving things for later. I could move right on to other, non-P-related activities. Knowing I had a little stash waiting for me was enough. Never underestimate the ability of the addict's brain to compartmentalize.
     
    goodnice 2.0 and AngelofDarkness like this.
  4. Thank you for your reply. I will talk with him, I just wanted to get some 'unbiased' opinions first. We shared all kinds of passwords with each other really early in our relationship and we can use each other's PCs/game libraries/YouTube +Google+Facebook accounts/phones freely as we shouldn't have anything to hide from each other. It is actually a sign of trust.
     
  5. risedaily

    risedaily Fapstronaut

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    I am on day 11 but i have opened porn site and scrolled through for 15 seconds just because i feel i am in control of the porn addiction. It happrned 2 times and in all i closed the site in 15 minutes didint watch any further porn. So today i got a couple video nusic clips from a friend but when i got home and opened porn videos was included and i just deleted them because i wired my brain to reject porn when i opened the site and close it. Just know how to deal with your situation.
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  6. I find this interesting because this is exactly what he used to do when he was actively addicted. He would casually and randomly browse porn on his phone, save some of it on his phone and then just go to sleep or watch a movie with me or make food or play a game. I just don't understand how exactly that compartmentalization works, whenever you looked at sexual content, wouldn't it physically and mentally arouse you to the point that you would need and want to act on it? How were you able to just suppress your natural instincts like that?
     
  7. risedaily

    risedaily Fapstronaut

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    I started something new. I now tell myself i dont like girls. I have given women up for 1 year because to my brain women is porn. So when i opened i just told myself i dont like women repeatedly and when i see women on the streets i dont look at them or fancy them. I think the problem is with women not porn bcos the brain is rewired that every woman is porn
     
  8. I was an active addict for 25 years. In all that time, you learn to suppress what is natural and thrive on the unnatural quite well. It has been a lengthy process to relearn what is natural and normal when it comes to sexual things. I believe that I will be relearning this to some extent for the rest of my life. The damage PMO does to the brain and one's perception of reality is very extensive. I believe healing is possible but that it takes time.

    I also know that if I had intentionally made screenshots like the ones you describe above, I would consider myself in a reset. That sort of thing is not cool, imo.
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  9. I understand sharing game libraries and streaming services but why the hell you need to use his Facebook?
     
  10. Abetterbrain

    Abetterbrain Fapstronaut

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    This is ridiculous. A very unhealthy attitude I’m sure. You’re wiring your brain to not like women? Good luck with that.
     
  11. Elihu

    Elihu Fapstronaut

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    I would say have an open dialogue. A few things could be happening.

    1. He saved those photos to share online to get a few likes for the game he likes (steam lets you do that).
    2. He is feeding an urge and it could be the knowledge that there is something for him for later that comforts him. I wouldn't say this is a good habit to keep. I'm actively trying not to do that. I wouldn't say it's a reset, but I don't think it's steady progress especially if you do it more and more frequently. However, unless this the P. content he is attracted to, this in itself can be harmless.

    Definitely ask him about it in a neutral way if possible.
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  12. I think you misunderstood, I didn't say we need to use each other's Facebook. I just said we shared all kinds of passwords as a sign of trust.
     
  13. Thank you for your reply. I actually forgot to mention in my original post that these screenshots were taken more than half a year ago, and around that same time he had actually shown me the game (while having taken those screenshots just hours earlier!), and I immediately asked him back then if he thinks it's a good idea to play the game with the character wearing such a skimpy outfit (he already had a history of having browsed and installed sexual mods for Fallout 4 and taken 100+ screenshots of female NPCs' cleavages/asses while 'rebooting'!), and his answer was that he doesn't even see the outfit as anything 'sexy' and that it's just the 'original outfit'. What the hell. He told me to my face just hours after having taken clearly sexual screenshots of a clearly sexual outfit that I have nothing to worry about. When I confronted him about that today he simply said he didn't remember at that point anymore that he had taken those screenshots . I mean, the fact that he didn't feel the need or urgency to delete those screenshots speaks for that, but how does that make any sense?! If a recovering alcohol addict feels tempted by walking past a bar, going inside, ordering alcohol but then leaving at the last minute, would they just 'forget' to tell their accountability partner a few hours later?! To me that kind of mindset seems much more indicative of expressing old habits rather than wanting to change and reflecting on wrong behavior. Also the fact that he acted so casual about images that should be naturally arousing seems like a red flag to me. If anyone has any more thoughts on this, I would appreciate it, I have been stuck on this site for more than a year trying to make sense of his behavior being lied to and betrayed too many times.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2019
  14. If I were his AP, this would be a red flag to me, too. Since it's six months down the road, the details might be lost to time, but these images are clearly not helpful today. Why doesn't he just get rid of them? And, if such a thing were to occur again, it definitely needs to be discussed with an AP right away. My rule for myself is that any such incident needs to be reported and discussed within 24 hours of it occurring. If it goes longer, the details get fuzzy and justification sets in.

    I hope he has APs besides you, as that dynamic can be quite unhealthy. I realize that each situation is unique. It is not always inappropriate for an SO to serve as an AP, but it often is. Wishing you both the best!
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  15. I am not so sure if a recovering addict that 'forgets' to be accountable has actually committed to recovery. Especially when being reminded to be accountable by their accountability partner. A recovering alcohol addict is not just going to forget the bottle of whine they got as a gift from their co-worker. The only way they would forget is if they were still finding other ways to feed their addiction and therefore not feeling tempted by the bottle of whine. At least that's how I interpret the situation, although I could be wrong since I am not an addict myself.
     
  16. LittleJohn2

    LittleJohn2 Fapstronaut

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    Dude I know what you mean. I haven't considered that drastic a change bc I need to hold on to my orientation tightly, but I see it's merit for sure. That constant objectification we both do isn't fair to them at all and it hurts us. Also makes it super tough to form friendships with girls without serious time put in, and even then it's hard not to think of them to get way.
     
  17. I cannot disagree with this assessment. That is why this behavior is a red flag to me.
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.

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