Porn = Cheating?

That's a nice point... We should save our sexual desires for our SO.... if they're not around then spending those desires that are meant to unite SOs together on porn (which naturally shows naked bodies of the opposite sex) sounds very much like cheating to me.....
I think it's best to think of sex as a tool for uniting loving spouses together, helping them to give themselves fully to the other...
Instead, thinking of sex as an uncontrollable urge that you must satisfy, even with PMO if your SO is not around seems very much like porn addict mentality....

 

You are absolutely correct. I would like to have fidelity in my relationship and a strong connection. PMO has caused that to not happen. That's why I am on this site. If that doesn't change my relationship will end and my partner will have to face the world without his breadwinning, highly educated partner to support him.

 

At one point in time, I suggested we have an open relationship. Jealous isn't an issue. If he is able to have satisfaction elsewhere why shouldn't I be able to have that also? Of course he wasn't having that. Interesting how the street doesn't go both ways.

 

Porn acts as a third party in a relationship
And worsen your relationship

 

It's fairly easy... If you have no intention of loving your spouse, be faithful to your spouse, take care of your spouse emotionally and physically (meeting their needs to your best ability) - then why propose marriage or monogamy?

A while back, I had a very powerful epiphany; I realized that my only job in my marriage was to make him happy. To me, this is a gift. It's a gift for me to be faithful, to help him, to meet all his needs the best that I possibly can. His job should ideally be to do the same for me, and it was like that in the beginning, in fact it was like that before the porn and the depression.

When you can't wait to be the first to apologize, when you can't wait to make your partner laugh first, when you always reach for the wallet when it's time to pay for a lovely dinner or when you try to look out for something you can help them with... then it's a fruitful union.

 

That wasn't really an answer to my question. If you think physical cheating is cheating, why is that so bad to you? Compared to emotional cheating? Why is using an attractive body for physical release cheating to you? Why would it hurt your feelings?

 

So you abused her with the PA and she abused you back? How? Couldn't you just leave her if you both where so adamant with treating each other like shit?

 

but your ex was a woman, right? So you knew that your behaviour towards her was causing her immense pain? Peanuts are causing a minority of people extreme distress; now is it okay to subject this minority to peanuts since the majority deem it a perfectly healthy food?

A woman can sleep with anyone if he is hot enough, no emotions needed whatsoever, I can promise you that. Female sexuality isn't the Victorian romance novel men like to believe...

 

How can you know what women feel or don't feel if you're not a woman yourself? Do you think evolution actually made emotional attachement a condition for women in order to want and have sex? Then our species would have died out a long time ago... either way, if you want to insist on this 'objective truth', if women were able to have sex like men, then you wouldn't actually think your girlfriend was cheating by having sex with an escort because there were no feelings involved? Meaning any man in a long-term committed relationship that goes to see prostitutes for satisfying his physical needs is not cheating according to your definition of cheating?

 

Well good if you did, because your next girlfriend will have the same viewpoint, and the one after that.

But I still don't know what you mean by emotional abuse, aside from her being jealous as a side effect of your addiction. For now, all I hear is tiny violins playing. People bruise if you beat them up, you know. And women get jealous if you turn your affections away from them.

You basically are saying it's too difficult and/or unacceptable to cheat physically, so getting a porn addiction is a more suitable choice for "a man". I don't mean to be cruel, but it sounds so lazy, doesn't it?

 

No she was emotionally abusive to begin with in certain matters. There were many red flags I chose to ignore at the time. Situationally, when i first met her I knew she was manipulative and a bit of a man eater since she was a scorpio. To clarify the matter i didnt know until after we started seeing each other that she had already hooked up with my closest coworker at the time. Pretty complicated issue, but as a man I dealt with the insecurity and became stronger because of it. Took a lot of time reflection and sucking up the inner bitch but I did that. Whereas for her, she broke up with me during year 1 because I was simply on friendly terms with her closest work friend. See the trend here, only people who assume cheating are the ones who are capable of doing it in the first place to a degree. I didnt message the girl on my free time or ever hang out with her one on one, we were work friends, we all hung out together.

Women get jealous if you turn their attention away from them yes, but as a women you do need to realize that more and more you do this, the more you decrease the attraction in the relationship. Jealously if taken to extreme levels just like P kill a relationship, emotional pruning does require a bit of self reflection that shouldnt have to come from your partner. I have never met a woman in a commited relationship that didnt give their partner shit whenever they had their emotional shitstorms. If you wanna call bullshit then it works both ways.

You basically are saying it's too difficult and/or unacceptable to cheat physically, so getting a porn addiction is a more suitable choice for "a man". I don't mean to be cruel, but it sounds so lazy, doesn't it?

[/QUOTE]You basically are saying it's too difficult and/or unacceptable to cheat physically, so getting a porn addiction is a more suitable choice for "a man". I don't mean to be cruel, but it sounds so lazy, doesn't it?[/QUOTE]

If you want to call out people then ill call you out. You have a stance of hatred towards P and you have predispositions on the issue which are emotionally engrained in your psyche due to your experiences which you are venting out at me. Period. You denying this is you just trying to lie about the issue. My point here is that women need to understand to a degree the impacts society has on PA developing on men. PA isnt a suitable trait for men, which is why all the men here are trying to get rid of it. You trying to belittle that though says a lot about your character as a woman since you have the need to show malice in this regard. Take the whole picture into consideration. Youre hurt emotionally by the issues youre facing and im hurt by mine, be polite thats all.

 

Any man that sleeps around while in a relationship is a cheater, i kind of alluded to that logic. Women are more emotional then men on a biological level at least thats the way I view it. men are different then women thats not shocking take a look at the difference in viewpoints just on this one topic. Why do women care more about who their ex sleeps with after a relationship versus men caring more about who their woman sleep with before? Why do men typically value things such as material possessions (car, nice house, etc) higher than women who tend to value relationships to a higher degree. Not saying this is true for everybody, but survey enough people and this tend to be true, womens brains are different from male ones, dont dilute that, as a man I can appreciate repsect and try to understand a womans perspective and become a better man cuz of it. But at the same time I will not dilute my male qualities that I know are inherent in me. Polarity is very important in relationships in my view to a degree for there to be enough attraction. Being somewhere near the middle is important too. Just because Im trying to become a better man does not mean I will agree with all feminine logic present in a forum dominated by recovering addicts.

 

I'm not sure I understand how that isn't jealousy.

 

Of course I hate porn, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Just read the posts in the partner section and you would too, if you don't already. But make no mistake, I would be just as addicted as you or any other man if I would allow myself to watch. I'm not immune to it because I'm a female in any way. But I was gifted with a marriage, and I choose every day to put it, him, us, first.

I have dated a porn addict before I got married. He was open about his usage from the start. I never had any issue with that, there was never any lies, no betrayals. He never went behind my back, and I've always thought about him with respect. Granted, the sex with a PA is not the best.

I'm sorry that your ex girlfriend didn't treat you the way you should have been treated. It's just you give the impression of being the victim (in some ways, of course you were). But sometimes it's very cathartic to be the first to say "yes, I did this, I was wrong". No ifs, no buts, no coconuts. Regardless of what they did.

Your girlfriend was probably pathologically jealous, and it's quite insightful the thing you wrote about the one who is the most jealous often is the one who is up for cheating. Still, we all have to do our part. Sometimes, that part is to end the relationship, if we or the other partner can't learn to treat each other with respect.

 

Well then we are not in agreement. Because I would say that his happiness is his responsibility. Nothing that you can do will ensure that he is happy, nothing that you can do will prevent him from being happy.

Nothing that you can do will ensure that all his needs are met, nothing you can do will prevent him from finding ways to meet his needs.

Your job is to meet your needs, and to communicate with him exactly what those are so that he knows how he can help.

 

I agree with you in the fact that I held onto that relationship longer than I should have. At the very least I wish I could spent more time dealing with PA before trying to rekindle things, the last year of the relationship honestly destroyed who I am pretty seriously and also caused her an enormous amount of grief as well. But thats life you live and you learn. Im thinking that honestly she might have been the pathological jealous type , but her environment of being a bartender also played a factor by being hit on perpetually and having to emotionally cheat to make money, all lessons learned.

I will admit to a certain degree I am playing the victim card given the situation, but its important to note that with a lot of things in my life personally I find peace in finding a middle ground in terms of perspective as it tends to be the healthiest option. I used to be the type of person who would view things as black and white but with life experience i think youd agree that most situations dont necessarily fit that mold and extreme views/actions tend to be quite detrimental. I appreciate the conversation because it did shed some light on a mental block I've had and found the answer to but havent spent enough time solidifying in my mind.

Im sure that excessive P use in a marriage must be extremely difficult to deal with as a woman because you'll never be able to compete with the endless amount of women who give themselves up in a way thats unrealistic to expect from a spouse. Not only that whatever bond you guys share must be diluted to a certain degree whether it be sex, emotional connection, pure availability, etc. I wish you the best in your marriage

 

Agreed, there is no way that one person can fulfill one persons entire needs in my opinion as well. That relationship id expect to be really toxic in certain regards. What youre alluding to is what I feel like most relationships should strive for in that it is a partnership where each individual comes to the relationship as a whole person and both parties work together to increase their strengths and work through their weaknesses

 

I'm not saying one can or should be the soul source of another person's happiness. But I can do my part. That means taking care of my own happiness as well, if I wouldn't, I couldn't be a good wife.

But it's so powerful when we shift the focus from ourselves and onto someone else. How can I be a better friend? What can I do to be a nicer husband? How can I help? That's some powerful questions, right there.

 

Thats love there, i would say the flip side to that you do have to love yourself just as much as you love the other person for the relationship to be healthy. But I envy that

 

You're a good person. And it is wonderful that you love your husband.

And I suspect he loves you, too. But I suspect the two of you do not have the best communication. Because you are sharing your feelings with us, random strangers on the internet, rather than him.

Good relationships are built with good communication. Those powerful questions? Don't guess, ask them.