Porn = Cheating?

Welll, I personally feel you you deserved it for the way you went about replying to my opinion - as you know good and well what I said is not about having diarreah with your partner in the room, Mr. Smart Alec. I simply replied with just as fun of a response as you chose to.
*shrug*

I can say and I do say.. .and so they DO!
Just because the general term (or what is universally most known )by the term cheating is fucking someone while you are in a relationship doesn't mean cheating doesn't exist in other conditions.

 

This is so odd to me. Ok, so hopefully you don't end up being in a hospital from some terrible accident or disease or old age and have to have your partner take care of you during that time.

 

Or maybe porn could take care of you? It's a legit possibility that something could happen to any of us. Mentioning it is not shameful.

 

I'm definitely not a harassing type of person and I hate that you saw that in what I said. I was merely saying that we have to view our partners through a long term lens. If you want someone to be there for you, you'll get that by being there for them. That's all I'm saying.

The thought has crossed my mind that I would actually have preferred that my partner cheated with an actual person, not with a bunch of images which no person can ever compete with. I'm sure you know that it's hyperstimuli. When a person chooses that versus a connection to their partner I do think it's cheating. It's all the same minus a physical exchange of fluids and a lack of emotional connection. Minus those and you end up with the same thing. There's a boundary crossed there in all of the scenarios you listed. If you are in a committed relationship where that is the agreement, then it should be understood by both parties.

Are you afraid that someone would judge you or treat you differently based on PMO?? We all have our own baggage and screw ups. None of us are perfect.

 

I have a journal here that details my experiences. Shame and guilt are hard emotions to process. Acceptance of self is as well. I speak that from personal experiences. Although I've never had this issue, I am 10 years sober from a drug addiction that nearly took everything I loved away from me. I still remember how I used to compare myself to people who I thought were more addicted than me or more disgusting than me. I neglected my family and myself for a buzz and found lots of reasons to justify it. I'm not saying that's you at all but I am saying denial is addiction's best friend. It's hard for them to exist without each other. I'm glad you are here and "thinking out loud". This is better than isolation and this community is here to help.

 

Oh i already know and accept that PA has ruined a lot of things in my life which is why i take it so seriously. Ill say that our perceptions on things will just be different. Through this process ive have reflected enough to realize its the SOs point of view thats just as important if not more than mine at times. I understand that, defending myself is just a reflex given how my former SO would repeatedly abuse me emotionally regarding this issue and never choose to hear me out on my perspectives. At the end of the day i understand your point of view and ive already accepted the difference between men/women and the lack of responsibility on my part to be strong enough to not quit P. It just sucks because PA is a monster, one can be addicted to P and not view something as cheating thats all.

 

If you are in a relationship again, just make sure you are on the same page. I can tell you are still working through what happened with your ex. I'm sorry you had that on top of everything else.

 

I appreciate the conversation for the perspective, advice and kind words. Its my goal to be free from porn or at least reasonably so before i enter another serious relationship, my last one was incredibly ugly, kind of dont want one now.

But i agree communication is key. Can be tough depending on the person but i agree

 

I think the far bigger danger is minimizing the temptation to have an affair by saying it is "no worse than" PMO.

Perhaps the most crucial difference between PMO and having an affair is that the former is just much, much more common than the latter.

I deeply hope none of us ever PMO again. But, I am also aware that the odds are against us. We have to be prepared to fail, dust off, and try again.

That's not true with an affair. Even if you've had one in the past, moving forward, no affairs at all, for the rest of your life moving forward, strikes me as a realistic and achievable goal.

 

Yes, if you are watching porn outside the presence and participation of your partner, then you are giving your time, attention and emotional/sexual energy to a fantasy rather than to your partner who is the rightful recipient.

 

If the ideal in a relationship is that the spouses are fully committed to each other, committed to meeting each other's sexual needs, and forsaking all others sexually, then porn is simply cheating.... Especially if you're a Christian, when "he who looks lustfully at a woman commits adultery in his heart" there is no doubt that Christian standards atleast condemn porn as cheating..

I think the people who say that wilfully PMOing while in a relationship is not cheating, don't believe that the level of commitment in relationships should be strong... Or perhaps they think that PMO is just another harmless pleasure....

Apart from the aspect of being open only to your partner sexually, there is also the additional aspect of doing something that hurts your partner,.. if something hurts my wife, if I truly love her, I would try to stop doing it.. and she, if she truly loves me, will not do what hurts me and will not make excuse for it....

 

Also I would say that not just sexually fantasizing about others than your spouse, but also romantically fantasizing about others than your spouse is also a form of cheating.... Especially I think if someone uses romance novels to fantasize about being romantically involved with someone other than your spouse, then in think that's also a form of cheating, like porn....

 

The ideal I think being your spouse should hold the top place in your heart and you should love them truly and completely (which means that apart from caring for them and meeting their needs, we should also avoid hurting them, which is what PMO does to any spouse, whether male or female....

 

I am curious, if your girlfriend was feeling horny with you being out of town and went to see a male escort (so no feelings involved, just satisfying a primal need) would you consider that cheating? If so, why?

 

Time out- do male escorts actually exist?
Never mind, don't answer. I don't want to relapse.

 

This is a good goal. I appreciate it! I'm out on a limb here but a lot of the anger from your ex seems unresolved. Since anger is a secondary emotion, I wonder what's under it? Could it be rejection or abandonment or fear of relationships in general now? I can definitely see that experience changed you. It's smart to get curious about that too.

 

How can you be highly sexual if your man still watches porn it doesn’t make sense

 

Why does that not make sense to you? Let's say you have a high sex drive but loyalty and fidelity are core values you have, so you won't break that and do anything not involving your partner. That doesn't mean you don't still have that energy.

 

I like to have sex every day, I just have a high libido. It doesn't help that my husband is physically gorgeous, so I get tempted a lot!

 

I'm sensing you are feeling frustrated and jealous, and maybe a little lonely. And that what you are really wanting is a better connection with your partner. If this is what you are feeling this is valid. Emotional needs are valid needs.

When I saw what you wrote, though, HBS*, I couldn't help but observe that the two things you listed: exchange of fluids and a potential emotional connection are literally the only two tangible, rational problems an SO needs to worry about with regard to their partner cheating. Everything else is related to your emotional response.

I believe that a person's emotional needs are always their own responsibility. Other people can help you meet your emotional needs, but nothing anyone else does can ever ensure your emotional needs will be met or stop you from meeting them.

I'm not sure what this means with regards to your particular situation. Only you would know that. But it is something to think about.