Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 542: 7/25/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked about our morning talk with that guy, how both of us felt about it, he agreed with a lot of my opinions about it, after that we went inside to watch some Supernatural and then we were off to bed.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Breaking Bad Habits”, in this episode, Eric Thomas and Joel Osteen give us some excellent tips and advice on breaking bad habits. Remember, change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of making a change.

This morning, we continued listening to "How the Food Industry is Feeding you Lies" an interview with Vani Hari, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes, which I wrote more about in yesterday' post. Then I also listened to "Shame: The Silent Enemy We Must Face Now" from Kristin Snowden is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in California and an addiction and relationship therapist. She goes over what SHAME is, how it might present itself in your life and your relationships, and how to build resiliency to it. Most of her information is based on Brene Brown Ph.D.'s work on Shame and Shame Resiliency. She explains that "shame is essentially a focus on yourself versus a focus on the external life
around you or of behavior or a choice you made, so shame makes you feel disconnected, it makes you feel unworthy, it's not something that you want to share with anybody because of those reasons and it leads us to destructive behaviors like maybe lashing out in anger, shaming others..., hurting ourselves or others, shame is the driver of an addiction cycle, shame is highly correlated with addiction, with depression, with the need to bully, with suicide and violence...". Another interesting point she brings up, one I never really thought about, was that all these years that I was under the impression that I didn't want to be embarrassed if my marriage failed (or pretty much anything else), but based on her breakdown, perhaps shame what my biggest driver, my "silent enemy within", at around 7:42 she begins explaining that even if shaming was never directly pointed at you (like a parent persistently calling you ugly or bad) what you witness in your immediate surroundings has huge and long-lasting effects on you when it comes to shame. Here's how she put it "you can be deeply affected by shame triggers shaming concepts having never had it directly pointed at you so I think you know body image I never had a parent that was like Kristen you're fat or hey being beautiful is really important but I definitely watched my mom stand in front of a mirror and criticize her appearance you know and she was five - and probably a hundred pounds the point is there was nothing to criticize she was the beauty queen but I watched that and I was like wow if that's you know shame worthy then what am I?" so after some thought, I have to say my entire childhood I listened to my parents judge other friends, family members etc., for their life choices, failed relationships and constantly mentioning that what happens in the family stays in the family because you don't need to let anyone know your family's business, etc., I guess shamed me more so, than 'embarrassed me' into never coming to them with my own issues, for fear of being judged. She broke down the differences between shame, guilt, and embarrassment, which is why I think what I was afraid of was "shame", not embarrassment. She says "there are a couple of emotions that Brené Brown says get intertwined with shame and confused with them. That's guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment. ...Guilt is this uncomfortable feeling that is focused on your behavior of like wow, I made this mistake, you know I shouldn't have lied about not finishing my homework or I shouldn't have kind of gotten mad at my kids when really I was just really tired and hungry and that's saying okay, that feels really yucky because you need to go out and make that repair, kind of own accountability for it. So guilt can be productive... Shame would be me lashing out my kids because I was tired and hungry and going, god I am a crappy mom, I just cannot get my priorities straight I am working too hard I feel like I'm not eating healthy and my kids are driving me crazy and I have no patience for it, I just, I'm failing at this whole parenting thing... Guilt is bad choices and Shame is I'm bad... Then there's Humiliation, it gives off this flare of, I didn't really deserve that, it's not penetrating this kind of deep intrinsic feeling of I'm a bad person, it ignites this anger of like 'she had no right to yell at me that way', ...Brene Brown says is if someone is humiliated they're gonna feel comfortable with sharing it with someone and processing it with someone because they didn't feel like they deserved it and they kind of wanted to process through the injustice. Where with "shame" it's so deep and dark, ... you are not going to want to share that with another person, it doesn't feel good and so I'm gonna keep it inside. Embarrassment is this kind of fleeting emotion that will come and go, the biggest point is that often when you're embarrassed you also feel comfortable with sharing the story, sometimes it's even funny because when it happens you realize it's relatable, you know, I have this memory of just kind of falling flat on my face in front of a bunch of people and because I felt very comfortable like I didn't intrinsically think I'm a horrible person because I tripped and ate it in front of a ton of people I felt comfortable with just laughing about it and all of us laughing about it because it was like, 'Hey look what I just did'. You understand with embarrassment that you're not the only one to experience this moment so, therefore, you're okay with going out and talking about it". It was short, but a really information-packed video must watch in my opinion, really helped me understand a lot.

Then we packed up the kiddos and took them to the Zoo. For the most part - it was a nice family day, the girls had a great time, Wade and I enjoyed the family time, of course, it's summer, a lot of people were there, so yes, there were plenty of triggers for me no amount of distractions could stop them... but I tried my best to control it, for the girl's sake. I wanted everyone to have a good time today, without bringing anyone down, one of my biggest fears - ruining an event/day for everyone else, over my triggers/issues. However, there was an incident that threw me out of control. Normally, I would not have been triggered by this woman, but, due to Wade's actions, I got triggered and it set me off (my mood) for the rest of the day. I was walking to his right, he was wearing sunglasses, so I could see his eyes between his head and the lens. This woman was right in front of him, I had a gut feeling he would not be able to resist an ass, so close in proximity and... I was right. I noticed his eyeball drop 'down' [ass level] then quickly go back to shoulder level. To me, it looked like he looked at her ass. A few minutes later, he nonchalantly says "sorry, I zoned out", I just looked at him and thought to myself "umm, yeah I noticed" but said "uh-huh, I saw" out loud. He looked at me, seemly like I was talking a foreign language or something, anyway, he saw my mood shifted, he tried going right into the defensive and gaslighting, off the bat, but the girls were around, so he had to pause that conversation. Once we got back home after the girls were busy, he started where he left off and the gaslighting continued and I told him to just stop and he said he didn't realize what he was saying was gaslighting because he wasn't hearing it in his head that way, but after I explained it, he understands why and it makes sense now. That he was sorry (on repeat) and he is still learning and I know that, but honestly, I'm just so exhausted, dealing with the same thing, over and over again. What made matters worse, was after that incident, it made what normally would have been controllable triggers at the zoo, all much worse, more intense and uncontrollable, to the point where I could not stay there any longer and just wanted to go home, thankfully the girls were already tired, so they were non-the-wiser.

It just sucks now my trigger won't wear off, tomorrow's my birthday, I turn 35, I've already been feeling the aging process creeping up on me (already making feel like shit) and now with this incident (making me feel worse about myself in the being wanted/desired by my own husband department because all I can think about is how much he wants others), then his reaction to it (fear of him returning to his old ways?), the fun day he had planned for us tomorrow, I'm not even in the mood for anymore (and I really was excited about it) and because I don't want to people please anymore, I don't want to suck it up and just go - only to end up running the motions, only because it was already in the plan, so 'I should be nice and do it'. It seems like maybe it is a bad idea to do anything before any kind of celebration, something always screws it up, case and point.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Noticed a lot of [young'ish] eyes on me, made me feel young lol.

#Self-Care
Shame: The Silent Enemy We Must Face Now


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

Thank you!! I feel a lot better this morning after our talk and all the love I got this morning from him and our little one, who woke me up bright and early with birthday messages lol

Well, yes, he claims that he did look down but he looked at the kid next to the woman, whom she was addressing with a hand gesture. For me it wasn't so much the slip or not, it was the gaslighting/questioning 'how did you see it, if you weren't standing at angle A, but at angle B" -- that stuff, invalidating the fact that we both know is clear, that he did look down, whether he slipped or not, obviously I did see him look down, he knows he looked down, so why argue the semantics of how it was possible for me to see him, from where I was? you know?

 

DAY 543: 7/26/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Another birthday.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about the gaslighting incident and how it made me feel, as well as how he felt. After talking about it, it helped us both a little. I was super exhausted after a day under the sun and at the zoo. He did my nails, they came out looking fabulous, he gave me one give early and it was a UV light nail lamp/dryer, so we could test it out and it worked well! As I mentioned though, I was tired, I began passing out as he was doing them. As soon as my nails were dry, I wanted to go to bed, as much as he wanted me to stay up until 12 am, so he could be the first one to wish me a happy birthday, I just could not. He surprised me with a soothing back rub as I got in bed, which really got me nice a relaxed before passing out.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Changing The Way You Think Will Change Your Life”, in this episode, Dr. Joe Dispenza explains how to change your life by changing the way you think. Remember, the best way to predict your future is to create it.

This morning, I still had residual effects from yesterday but as soon as I opened my eyes, Wade wished me a Happy Birthday and then my little one ran in and did the same, they showered me with so much love and gifts, Wade wrote me a beautiful handwritten letter and made me this beautiful, custom made storybook featuring us, it was so original, sweet and thoughtful, I loved it. Plus, he got me that nail dryer and the red summer dress I wanted, more than I deserve, but I appreciate it. Then we took the little one to daycare, so we can head down to the mall to walk and see if I was up for anything else. On the drive there we listened to "Shame: The Silent Enemy We Must Face Now" from Kristin Snowden an addiction and relationship therapist. I listened to this yesterday but relistened to it with Wade, so we could discuss it and we did. It opened up a long and good discussion for us that kind of lasted all day, on and off. We wanted to go play some video games together, kind of re-do the good time we had on Valentines Day, but there were too many campers there, so I suggested, maybe a movie? so we quickly bought tickets and went to see "Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood" staring my favorite, Leonardo DiCaprio. It was a pretty good movie, then we hit up Johnny Rockets for lunch and shared a super fattening Milkshake LOL. After we picked up the little one and ... because we promised her a party, set up a small birthday party at home, with party hats and all - it was adorable and fun. I had a calm, peaceful and low key birthday - these days, I much prefer that, instead of a room full of guests who don't really want to be there, but came because they felt obligated to be there (to check a box).

I wanted some chocolate cover strawberries today and there weren't any to be found, so Wade improvised and gave me strawberries covered in Hersey's fudge with some wine on the side, what else could a girl ask for? LOL, I'm so going to gain 10 pounds by the end of this weekend.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was able to enjoy my birthday, for that I am grateful.

#Education
How the Food Industry is Feeding you Lies


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

It was, thank you <3 <3 <3

Exactly!!

 

DAY 544: 7/27/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Pool Time!
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke for a bit, kind of a catch-up session of the day, even though we did talk throughout the day. I told him that even though I still had residual effects from the day before, my birthday was pretty much nice and peaceful and that is all I can ask for. I don't need a boatload of people over, who don't genuinely want to be there, I would rather be around people who want to celebrate with me, without it feeling like pulling teeth or they showed up just to check a box.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Rules For Living A Successful Life”, in this episode, Jay Shetty talks about his rules for living a successful life. Remember, don't wait for the perfect moment take the moment and make it perfect.

This morning, we listened to "Owning Who You Are" an interview with Jessica O. Matthews, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. The energy that Jessica O. Matthews generates with her renewable energy company, Uncharted Play is electrifying. Oprah named her to the SuperSoul 100, and who has been called the Elon Musk of kinetic energy, digs deep into what it means to truly own who you are in this episode of Impact Theory with host Tom Bilyeu. Jessica shares her belief in magic, comics, science, and hard work. She shares her passion for building wealth for a community. She also digs deep into the importance of being who you are, pushing yourself and never feeling satisfied, and drawing on the experiences of others to develop your personal narrative. Jessica explains how she helps people to build creative confidence, how she balances change with a sense of stability and of course the impact she wants to have on the world. It was a lite episode, not one of those 'blow your mind' kinds, but still a good and easy listen.

During the afternoon we went to the pool, I wore a new swimsuit that I got, Wade was full of compliments, that was sweet and made me feel good. I like this swimsuit, it's comfy and gives the 'girls' the right amount of coverage, for once.

Tonight is Wade and my, official "date night" to celebrate my birthday, just the two of us, a night time, kid-free, evening of fun. We are doing one of those murder mystery dinners, the first time we're trying something like this and we are both excited to try something new. I know I am already working myself up by thinking "I hope there won't be any triggers there to ruin my night" but unfortunately, I can't help those thoughts any more than I can help a trigger being there (or not.) -- but, fingers crossed.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The first date like butterflies I'm getting about going on our date tonight, trying something new together.

#Education
"Never REGRET a DAY in Your LIFE!" | Jay Shetty


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 545: 7/28/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Family Time.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we had a wonderful time at "The Dinner Detective", it was our first time doing something like this, it required a lot of socializing so it threw both of us right out of our comfort zone, but these days - I think that was a good thing. The best part? no triggers there, the whole time! we both enjoyed the whole experience, it was funny, entertaining and made us use our brains, not too much, but just enough LOL.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “What You’re Getting Wrong About Self Love and Happiness”, in this episode, Charlie from Charisma on Command tells us what we're getting wrong about self-love and happiness. Remember, you will be about as happy as you make up your mind to be.

This morning, we listened to "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Fasting" an interview with Jimmy Moore, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Jimmy Moore, is a bestselling author, he wrote "Keto Clarity" and "Cholesterol Clarity", he is also the host of the long-running Livin’ La Vida Low Carb Podcast. They talk about keto, cholesterol, fasting, and how you can become an empowered and knowledgeable patient. They start with the event that inspired Jimmy to get healthy, becoming a “citizen scientist” (something I strive for through being knowledgable, through research), overcoming the fear of dietary fat, why bodyweight isn’t a good indicator of health, how sugar causes weight gain & increased triglycerides, he also mentions checking and being aware of "hs-CRP" aka High Sensitivity C-reactive protein (the higher the number, the more inflammation in your body). Wade's favorite topic, why fasting is different than starving yourself, the easiest way to intermittent fast and how fasting affects your gut health and so much more was packed into this episode.

During the afternoon, we took the girls to the Medieval Times, as we continued celebrating my birthday, this time with the kids. This is the first year that I've celebrated my birthday for an entire weekend, and I must admit it feels good this time around, different and maybe even a little weird, as I am not used to it, meaning actually being fully present, happy and content, instead of 'faking it, till you make it' so to speak. It also makes a huge difference to celebrate anything these days, when I'm connected with Wade and his attention is on me, instead of every other woman (and her mother!)... big mood changer I guess. Luckily, there weren't too many triggers for me, some here and there, but with so many people, I wasn't expecting a 'pass' on that. I don't know if Wade had any slips, I guess I will find out tonight. The show was cheesy, overplayed, but it was to be expected - we all still participated, laughed, shouted and cheered for our knight (the Black and White one, the bad guy of course lol). The kids had a blast and I am so happy about that, I wanted everyone to have a good time, together -- and we did.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Loved how my outfit came together.

#Motivational
Why We’re Wrong About Happiness


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 546: 7/29/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we discussed the good time we had at Medieval Times and my whole birthday weekend in general. How actually being present at the moment, being connected and enjoying each other has changed everything for us. How this time I actually wanted to be there, I wasn't just showing up and running the motions, as I have all those other years - just to give off the impression of a 'picture perfect' family to everyone else. That even if I'm triggered, upset or whatever one day, if we are able to talk it out that very night, so, we are also able to move through the hurt and frustration quicker, getting past it and moving onto happier moments, without holding onto resentment. Then we went inside to watch some TV, afterward, he gave me a quick back rub before bed, but it was so good, I felt like my brain was powering off, he needs to be careful or this will be something I'll be needing every night before falling asleep LOL.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Believe In Yourself”, in this episode, we have an inspiring message from Kanye West, Oprah Winfrey, Lisa Nichols, and others encouraging you to believe in yourself. Remember, you get what you're chasing when you believe you already have it.

This morning, we met up with one of the friends we've opened up to and spoke with him about PA/recovery/healing and other related relationship issues for about 2 hours. It has been refreshing for us both, to have a few people with whom we can be our true and authentic selves around. Wade, did end up oversharing something my mom confided in him, privately, which was not okay and we spoke about that later. This is one of the reasons I am always afraid to tell him stuff, you just never know when he'll run his mouth without thinking.

Then we went to the supermarket to run our weekly grocery run. Tonight my friend who has had relationship issues is coming over because she has seen how much Wade has changed and told her husband. Now, her husband asked to speak with Wade, one on one. This should be interesting!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling free to express my concerns to a client and not be engulfed by shame about it.

#Health
Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Fasting


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 547: 7/30/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) My New Sensory Ring.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, my friend and her husband came over, we had a little BBQ, small talk with the whole family and then once we put the little one to bed, my parents took our older one to their place for a sleepover. This gave us the opportunity to talk, my friend's husband wanted to speak with Wade - one on one about all of his changes, because my friend was amazed after meeting with both of us, at how different Wade was, from the man she remembered. So, they went out on the balcony and did that for a few hours, as she and I did the same inside. We were all talking shop, lol, well relationships, recovery, traumas, addictions, etc, I won't go into details but overall I believe it was a productive night for everyone involved. Unfortunately, the night was soured towards the end, when Wade and my friend's husband came in to join us, so we could have a group discussion and then when Wade began speaking... he was speaking with a slur, which made it clear to me - he drank too much and that triggered me. He was trying to make some valid points but because of his 'state' it just came out sounding, sloppy :-/ ... anyway, he was repeating the same points, over and over again (which tends to happen when he has had one too many). At one point, he was trying to explain to them that they need to search deeply within themselves and figure out if they got married for the right reasons or not, if they truly want to save this marriage, etc., stuff he and I dealt with early on. When he began bringing himself/us up as an example, he expressed the first thing that was top of mind, by doing so, he ended up validating a concern that I've had since the start of this recovery, well, since the start of our relationship really, one he tried to dispell plenty of times. However, when he kept repeating himself, he later added in some more information, which softened the blow a little, but by that point I heard what I heard, clearly, and in my book -- what he spits out first, is what's the first and natural thing he knows to be true in his heart, before all else. He also blurted out some stuff, that I wasn't expecting him to and kind of made me look like an ass in doing so. It was a hot mess by that point.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Help With Overcoming A Broken Heart, Anxiety, and Hard Times”, in this episode, they go through some good advice on overcoming a broken heart, hard times, and other disappointments in life. Remember, who you are today is not who you have to be tomorrow.

This morning, when we woke up, he apologized for the night before, he told me he acknowledges he was wrong for what he did (getting drunk) and the things he had said and that he understands how it may have come off, because of his state of mind, he wasn't thinking/lost control. Then we talked about the main issue that triggered me, exactly what he said, how he said it and how it was perceived by me (and why it made total sense to me too). After this incident, he decided he was going to cut back on his drinking altogether, when he first mentioned it, I was really skeptical. Anyway, by that point, our older one came back from my parent's place, as they had an appointment to get to, because of that we didn't have an opportunity to walk today, so we ran an errand at Costco, with our kids. Thankfully it wasn't too packed, however, there were triggers still there for me, yippie. It actually gave me a bit of an opportunity to use my new sensory ring, which is meant to help with triggers. Although, because my kids were really working overtime; trying to irritate me, I felt nothing was helping. By the time we got home, I felt a little better, I have had a triggering and exhausting few days, a lot of up's and down's and those emotional roller coasters take a toll on me, they are quite draining.

Later in the day, he came up to me and told me that he has no hard liquor left, I looked at him shocked and said "what!" -- because he just bought a brand new bottle two days ago, I know he downs them quick, but jesus... he then proceeds to tell me he decided to pour out whatever was left, that he is done 'drinking' the hard stuff for now and if it's not in the house, he won't be tempted. If he will drink at home, it will be some wine with me once in a while. I mean, if this will end up being true, great, that'd be some great progress - but I guess only time will tell.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I love my new capri pants, not only do they look good, they feel good too.

#Music
My friend told me to listen to this, so I did and it touched me, I couldn't help but think about my own situation. Sadly, in my case, in my mind, when she says "I know you will", all I can think is, I'd be singing... "I don't know... probably not"... instead.
Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful


#Motivational
Take Care of Yourself FIRST


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 548: 7/31/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we talked about his realization that maybe I was right about his drinking, even though he wasn't getting as bad as 'others' or drinking as much as 'them' per sitting, falling over passing out, throwing up, getting violent or whatever, he was still acting out, acting sloppy, incoherent at times, repetitive and losing control. I hope he finally understands that when I would bring it up, it was coming from a place of love and nothing else. I'm glad he has finally become aware of this, I just hope it actually sticks. We also revisited some of the various discussions we had with our friends, both alone and together, then we went over what he said, how he said it and why it triggered me and threw me back into my worst fears about how he truly feels and has felt about me, from the start of our relationship (settling/reasons he got married). Then we went to sleep, assuming this was out last night together, then we'd have one last full day left before he had to return to work and things would have to somehow return to normal again, something we've both been dreading. Apparently, though, he mixed up the dates of when he was supposed to return to work and it was actually supposed to be now! so we got woken up at 12 am by his coworker lol and that was a whole hot mess to deal with, woke up right up.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Use Your Time Wisely”, in this episode, Jim Rohn gives us some great tips and advice on how to use your time wisely. Remember, life is not just the passing of time, life is the collection of experiences.

This morning, Wade had to work so I walked alone. Our friend was supposed to meet up with me, but his girlfriend's car ended up breaking down while he was on the way to me, so he had to turn around and take her to work, asking for a rain check for tomorrow, I said of course. During my walk, I listened to Brené Brown's book "Rising Strong", where unsurprisingly she makes some more great points. I'll quote some of my main takeaways from what I've heard today: "Pretending not to be hurt, is choosing to become imprisoned by the dark emotion we have experienced. Recognizing and feeling our way through the emotion is choosing freedom. It's seductive to think that not talking about our pain is the safest way to keep it from defying us. But ultimately the avoidance takes over our lives, the idea that we are only as sick as our secrets, is more than an adage." Also, "Robert Burton, a neurologist, and novelist explains, that our brain rewards us with dopamine when we recognize and complete patterns. Stories are patterns, the brain recognizes the familiar beginning, middle and end structure of a story and rewards us for clearing up the ambiguity. Unfortunately, we don't need to be accurate, just certain. You know that wonderful sensation we experience when we connect the dots, or something finally makes sense for us for the first time? the 'aha! moment' as Oprah calls it. Burton uses that as an example of how we might experience our brains pattern recognition reward". And, the biggest takeaway was this new word/concept that is actually quite relatable, "Confabulations: Lies, honestly told. Many confabulations are less the result of health or memory issues and more about the interplay of emotion, behavior, and thought. Example: Had Steve and I not resolved our problem in the lake that day, it's very likely that I would have told my sisters, two women I love, respect, and I'm honest with, that we had a terrible fight because Steve thought I looked like crap in my new Speedo, it would have been a confabulation, a lie - honestly told. And no regardless of how honest I was conveying this untruth, it would have hurt Steve and perhaps my relationship with my sisters. I can just see one or both of them saying, 'that doesn't sound like Steve, are you sure?' my response probably would have been 'Oh, that's perfect, be on his side! all of you suck,' productive, right?". I believe Wade has some confabulations when it comes to our history, how he relays it to me - when we are alone... how do I figure that? after how/what he said to our friends, while under the influence when he spoke his 'truths'...

Then I took a break from the book and decided to listen to some music, I think I must have replayed that new song my friend sent me, like 5 times and it just made me so emotional, I had to turn it off. I love it, it is so touching but gives me such scary/fearful thoughts at the same time.

Wade was gone all day, and walking alone this time, after walking with him for two months straight... it just felt so, weird and lonely, unlike in the past when I've walked alone and didn't really think twice about it. It was like something was missing. I got so used to having him around in the morning, we got into a whole routine in the past two months, together, him not being there was really felt by me. As much as I am still feeling off balance/off put about what he said on Monday, because it is still deeply affecting me, making me more fearful, uncertain, etc., and I can not push it down no matter how much I've tried 'not think about it', it just keeps resurfacing, anyway, I still found myself missing him, having him around all day, doing things together - whether we were having a good or bad day, I got too comfortable with that, giving it up and going back to the old way is going to be a difficult readjustment, for us both. Wade was messaging me throughout the day and he was missing me too, he said he was feeling that void too.

I guess we will see what tomorrow will bring.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Managed to make it through the day, without erupting.

#Motivational
Jim Rohn - How to Use Your Time Wisely


---------------------------------------------------



---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 549: 8/01/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade got up late because he went to sleep late, so we didn't really have too much time to do, well, much of anything. He set up some stuff for himself, for his work night and then we went out on the balcony to talk a little before he had to run out to work. We spoke about his day, his slips, the previous nights and the book he just finished. I mentioned that what he said on Monday was still weighing heavily on me and I don't know how long it will last but it is bothering me, just sitting in the pit of my stomach - like the feeling of something just isn't right, I feel it is also keeping a wedge between us. The more I think about it, rethink (reply/rehear) and try to rationalize what he said the more frustrated and triggered I get. I guess having those new sets of confirmations ['straight from the horse's mouth'] in essence added some unpleasant certainties to my bigger fears about his feelings towards his attraction to me and did make my perception of them way worse, in terms of where his head is really at, confirming where I thought it had always been all along, but he has been telling me and I guess himself otherwise, like that new term I learned, it was his own confabulation this whole time and when given just enough alcohol, his true feelings finally came forward. The confusing part is that even with those triggers coming and going throughout the day, I still miss having him around all the time, it's a really confusing time right now, emotionally.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Stay Focused On Your Goals”, in this episode, Tony Robbins shares his thoughts on how to stay focused on your goals. Remember, one of the keys to success is to stop getting distracted by things that have nothing to do with your goals.

This morning, we began listening to "How to Master Negotiation in Business and Life" an interview with Chris Voss, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Chris Voss is the Founder and CEO of the Black Swan Group Ltd and author of "Never Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It". He has used his many years of experience in international crisis and high-stakes negotiations to develop a unique program and team that applies these globally proven techniques to the business world. Although this wasn't the normal conversation starter for us, there were some topics where we did pause to speak because some of the methods/points he was bringing up could be applied in relationships.

After Wade woke up, we took the girls to the playground, there was a small trigger there, but my dad gave me such an overwhelming headache that I think it was working as a grounding tool. Overall the rest of the day was okay for me, I guess it was a whole day and night of continued up's and down's emotionally, between missing him, getting readjusted to his schedule and remembering what he said a few days ago.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How my red summer dress looked.

#Motivational
Tony Robbins Helps You Train Your Brain To Stay Focused


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 550: 8/02/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we revisited some of the same topics of the last few days. Then we went inside where he gave me a soothing foot rub, while we watched a little TV. Then before heading out to work, he gave me a nice back rub, I feel so spoiled these days with how he treats me and this week in particular, kind of like I don't deserve it, because of how triggered I've been on and off, it's a weird feeling. The bed has also been so lonely without him, what an adjustment this has been, I haven't been sleeping too well either, blah, I wish he could retire already. I also wish I could press a button and forget everything I heard on Monday, sigh.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Things To Stop Doing In The Morning To Have Success”, in this episode, we get a shortlist of things to stop doing in the morning if you want to have success. Here’s what Goodwin and Goel say are some of the best things you can do to start your day right. 1. Plan ahead! 2. Resist the snooze 3. Drink water, 4. Meditate, 5. Exercise, 6. Get outside in the sun, 7. Make coffee (at home), 8. Eat breakfast, and 9. Spend time with your family and friends. Remember, a man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.

This morning, we continued listening to "How to Master Negotiation in Business and Life" an interview with Chris Voss, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Then midway through, I forgot what sparked the conversation but he told me that he saw a few women pass by at work, that he knows he would have ogled in the past and gone out of his way to peek over, up and around for more looks but is proud of himself, that this time, he didn't even care enough to stop reading his book. He told me he knows I don't believe him, he wishes I could take a tour of his mind when he thinks about me these days and 'no, he is not trying to convince me'... but he swears that he feels nothing for these other women anymore. He says that he notices if someone is attractive, he knows if there is someone around that he would have ogled in the past, but he no longer has those butterflies or temptations to want to look, because these days he is head over heels for me. He said he feels like such a fool for how he ignored what he had all these years. I want to believe him, with every fiber in my bones, but especially with what I heard last Monday, that is just not easy to do.

My client sent over a bunch of work - that, of course, needs to be done, like yesterday, so today when I actually need my parents to sit here and watch the kids [so I can get some work done] - they decided -they need to go out for the day instead; fishing, shopping, you name it. I bet if they needed me to do something for them, they'd be over here for hours without even thinking about leaving. I'm so annoyed right now, I'm trying to get as much done as I can, even with my kids driving me up the wall, until Wade is up - so I can work in peace.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Prepped all of my work while watching the kids, making the rest of the work runs a little easier going forward.

#Motivational
12 Things You Should Not Do In The Morning


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 551: 8/03/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we skipped our talk because we had a pretty long one in the morning, instead, we went inside to watch some TV and he gave me another one of those mind-melding foot rubs, plus a back rub that was such a relief after working at my computer for hours, before he had to go to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How to Break the Addiction to Negative Thoughts and Emotions”, in this episode, Dr. Joe Dispenza talks about how to break the addiction to negative thoughts and emotions. Remember, once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you'll start having positive results.

This morning, we finally finished listening to "How to Master Negotiation in Business and Life" an interview with Chris Voss, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. In all honesty, I believe this was one of the few interviews where the celebrity actually gave a lot of 'trade secrets', meaning various strategies and tools without forcing you to buy something first. Both Wade and I had a lot of those "Aha!" moments and are excited to implement some of his idea's, suggestions and advice in our own situations. As we finished off this video, it sprung up a few good conversations for us. There were a few triggers for me on the trail, but this is nothing new, it sucks, but I just can not avoid them. I just HOPE he isn't making himself sound 'further along' than he really is, but always reassuring me that I'm the only one that is getting triggered, that he barely even notices 'them' or gets triggered anymore... it really is so difficult for me to believe, I know what he enjoys looking at, that just doesn't go away.

For most of the day, I was working, my mom actually gave me some time for that, with a few pauses here and there. Working and watching shows as I work really helps distract my mind from wandering off into those random thoughts, like Monday's incident. Since I did get quite a bit done, I'm looking forward to going out with Wade and the girls to the playground for a little R&R today, so we can maybe catch some shiny's in our game too. I just hope there won't be any triggers, I need to be as zen as possible this weekend.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Was able to get more work than expected done, feeling accomplished.

#Motivational
Dr. Joe Dispenza - Break the Addiction to Negative Thoughts & Emotions


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 552: 8/04/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we went out on the balcony and spoke about the issues of the day (a continued discussion). When we went inside we watched some TV and he gave me a soothing back rub, before heading out to work. I am really getting spoiled, seriously, I really feel like I don't deserve it. I fell asleep rather quickly, however, I woke up at around 2:00 am and then could not fall back asleep, something told me to reach out to Wade, so I did. Coincidently, he was in the middle of dealing with his own stressful situation at work, so I was able to calm him a little bit, which I am happy about.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Why Being A People Pleaser Is A Waste Of Time”, in this episode, Isaiah Hankel explains why being a people pleaser is a giant waste of time. He says there are 5 ways to help you stop people-pleasing, 1) Make peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like you and actually, that’s okay. 2) Learn to say no in a way that feels okay to you. (No making excuses allowed!). 3) Accept that you will feel guilty when you say no to something the first few times. 4) Start setting some boundaries, and 5) Let go of the people who use your people-pleaser tendencies on purpose. Remember, care what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.

This morning, we began listening to "Being a Selfless Warrior" an interview with Dale Dye, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Wade picked this one after reading Lewis's book, Mask of Masculinity and Dale being mentioned when it came to the stoic mask. Dale not only served in the US Marines for 22 years, but he also received 3 Purple Hearts for his injuries sustained while in Vietnam, and he dedicated a second career to bringing realistic depictions of war to Hollywood screens. He pretty much believes in faking it till you make it if you are a real man's man! never letting anyone know if you are scared, in pain, suffering, etc. - you should always be aware, in control and in check of your emotions 'without exposing your weaknesses', pretty much the opposite of what Brene Brown preaches and he makes no apologies for his perspectives.

His parent came over today to celebrate my belated birthday, we actually had a decent time (I believe). It went by pretty quickly, I'm not sure if Wade felt the same, he did not seem too overwhelmed by their presence this time. I will ask him about it tonight, he was having a few more drinks than I anticipated he would, after saying he wouldn't drink much anymore, but I dunno.

My client ended up sending me more work, again 'due yesterday', so I'll be super busy. I am grateful, however, that Wade is home with me tonight.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Happy to be there for Wade, even if it was only through phone and messages.

#Motivational
Why Being A People Pleaser Is A Waste Of Time


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

He follows my journal, but people-pleasing is more of an issue for me, not him.

 

DAY 553: 8/05/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading:
  Book #1 "Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work... & What Will"
  Book #2 "Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Recovery.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about our day and how his parent's visit wasn't actually as bad or overwhelming as they usually are. Also, how happy we were that he was home, for his day off, seems like it he's been back at work forever - when it has only been a week lol.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “An Inspiring Message To Never Give Up On Your Dreams”, in this episode, we have an amazing message encouraging you to never give up on your dreams. How to be resilient and never give up? 1. Adversity is not a failure, 2. Grow your resilience, 3. Have a reasonable timeline, 4. Some days will suck, 5. Find people who are light in the dark, 6. Don’t let problems keep you stuck. Remember, most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.

This morning, I finally got some sleep in, must be because Wade was back in bed with me. Anyway, on the way to (and later from) the mall, we continued listening to "Being a Selfless Warrior" an interview with Dale Dye, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Dale served in the US Marines for 22 years, and he dedicated a second career to bringing realistic depictions of war to Hollywood screens. His beliefs are very old school, Men are Men and Women are Women, everyone has their roles and they should play them as such. There are points in the interview where you can tell that Lewis is out of words and reaching for questions and ways to ask them, to see if he can open Dale's mind, but he can't lol.

As Wade let the girls play in the indoor activity places in the mall, I walked and listened to some more of my Brené Brown book "Rising Strong". Some great takeaway's: "As miserable as resentment, disappointment, and frustration make us feel, we fool ourselves into believing that they are easier than the vulnerability of a difficult conversation. Judgment and anger take up way more emotional bandwidth for us. Beyond that, they are often shaming and disrespectful to the person who is struggling. And ultimately toxic to the entire culture". Also, "Integrity and generosity, here is the question, "what boundaries do I need to put in place, so I can work from a place of integrity and extend the most generous interpretations of the intentions, words, and actions of others?" Setting boundaries means getting clear on what behaviors are okay and what's not okay. Integrity is key to this commitment because it is how we set those boundaries and ultimately hold ourselves and others accountable for respecting them. I tried to find an existing definition of 'integrity' that reflected what I saw in the data, but I couldn't, so here's my definition... integrity is choosing courage over comfort, choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy and choosing to practice our values, rather than simply professing them".

The rest of the day was pretty low key, I had to continue working, killing my back along the way lol.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Rocked my yoga capris today.

#Motivational
Being a Selfless Warrior


---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 |
---------------------------------------------------