hit a new low yesterday (sissy/trans porn)

I’ve been using porn basically nonstop since I was 14 (20 now). Usually a few times a day. At first relatively normal stuff, but over time of course it got more extreme. For the last 2 years, I’ve suffered from PIED. For the last year and a half I’ve exclusively PMOed to sissy/trans porn. Since January things got worse and I started buying clothes and making sissy Grindr accounts and personal ads.

This summer I’ve tried to focus on rebooting and focusing on some productive hobbies. I made an account on here, I found an accountability partner, and I’ve been going to the gym regularly.

But yesterday I hit a new low. Some sissy clothes that I had ordered a while ago (and forgotten about) came in the mail yesterday. I put them on, took pictures, PMOed a few times.

Then things got worse. I made a Grindr account using those pics, and met up with a guy. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was impulsive and dumb. The guy even convinced me to pay for some disgusting cheap motel to meet up at.

It was an awful experience from the moment it started. I got zero pleasure out of it. I was in pain most of the time. I even told him to stop and he didn’t.

The second he left I ripped off all the sissy clothes. I have never felt so angry and disappointed at myself in my life. I’ve wasted money and time on this addiction. My dignity has suffered. And for what?

I hope this experience, despite how shitty it was, becomes a turning point for me. I never want something like that to happen again. I need to reboot. I NEED to. I miss being able to get hard from anything and feeling confident in bed. I want to burn the sissy clothes I own. I want to go back to normal.

I’m one full day clean (even that is a big deal for me tbh). I have an accountability partner who has been great. I've found it very helpful to have someone to talk to who understands what I’m going through. I can't even talk to my closest friends about this because I'm so embarrassed, so it was a relief just to tell another soul what's been going on.

I wanted to share my story on here for similar reasons. I want to keep myself accountable and write out what I've been going through. And I want to learn from others who may have had similar experiences.

 

I haven't met up with anyone but I can relate to the buying and wearing of clothes and PMO to trans/sissy stuff. I'm 100% straight but I have been making accounts on cam websites and broadcasting myself, makes me feel good then afterwards I feel like shit and wonder wtf I am doing with my life. I am addicted to this cycle of wanting to feel good this way then feeling worthless and aimless. One day at a time I suppose and eventually replace the habit with something more rewarding and meaningful.

 

Hey man, I feel ya.

for me I "feel good" when doing this stuff because I get lots of attention and feel attractive... I would urge you to pinpoint what it is that makes you "feel good" about this, and try to find another way to get that feeling. It's not easy but I think its a good place to start

 

I suppose I've had a fetish for stockings/pantyhose since before high speed internet was available, it would be my preference when looking through adult magazines, something about it that looks sexy and attractive. Combined with trans and sissy and femdom is the ultimate high for me. Yeah I would feel attractive when using cams wearing such clothing, seeing the number of viewers increase on my chat page and the comments would heighten my arousal when they instruct and compliment me, I feel wanted. Maybe it's because I'm socially anxious and have very few real friends and no motivation/interests that this brings me hours of escape. You're right I need to find a way to feel good in a more healthy and productive way, I just struggle to figure that part out.

 

If the answer was easy none of us would be here!

I've tried to ask myself these questions: Why am I so needy of feeling wanted/attractive? Why do I not feel attractive without this stuff?

I've come to the conclusion that I want this because I don't feel attractive on my own / as a man, and that I'm not confident in my masculinity. So, I'm taking steps to make myself feel like a confident and attractive man. This means the gym, hobbies, working, etc.

I think its important to note that there's nothing wrong with having a stockings/panties fetish. If you feel attractive in them, there's nothing wrong with that either! I think the problem is when we feel compulsive about how we use them or imagine using them.

 

I agree.. I have quit the gym 3 times because I get bored after a while and have no goal I want to strive towards.. I suppose I went to the gym thinking it would make me feel more masculine to do strength training exercises but felt uncomfortable as a scrawny guy lifting in front of other men. So feeling lonely at home I turn to porn which escalates into sissy/cams/fetish wear even though it probably makes me less masculine... I know there's nothing 'wrong' in wearing such clothing I don't want to die an old lonely man watching porn in fetish stuff who has done nothing with life !

 

If you wanna PM me about lifting/exercise stuff, I'd be happy to talk about it! Working out regularly was one of the best decisions I've made in my life so far. I started out obese, so I can relate to feeling uncomfortable in the gym.

I'm on my 5th day of no PMOing. This is the longest I've lasted in a while. I'm still having major urges, including sissy stuff. My balls hurt too lol.

 

Thanks, I need to get motivated. Well done for doing 5 days, my longest is a week and then my urges get the better of me. Even now it's been only a day but I am thinking of wearing stuff and PMO to femdom shit. I threw out the clothing, toys and lube so I'm hoping I can concentrate on doing something better. I just don't want to end up buying that shit again when I get bored. I've tried and failed since joining this website about 8 months ago but I hope can overcome my urges this time around.

 

Welp I relapsed yesterday. Was feeling lonely, got triggered by some stuff on my phone, and just gave in. Before that the 5 days of no PMO was helping me! I felt more energetic at the very least.

Right after I orgasmed I felt awful. It was not worth breaking my streak. I'm going to try to remember that feeling so I don't relapse again. I'm so sick of giving in to like 5 seconds of dopamine at the expense of my happiness, dating life, and energy.

 

I have broken the short streak I had too, I keep doing PMO every few days, searching for porn and broadcasting myself on cam sites, it's all I can think about and want to do when I get home from work I just want to feel good instead of bored and alone. I have also bought stockings and sex toys again, which feel great in the moment but like you said, it's about remembering the feeling afterwards, because I felt hopeless and ashamed soon after. Can't seem to break this cycle/addiction.

 

Omg I can't believe how bad sissy porn is. Thank God I didn't know about it till I got here. Hang in there brother and throw all the toys away, it is a waste of money, you could've used that money for something else more important.