Could use a mans help

Sounds amazing. It'd be you looking beautiful before him, the woman he loves. That is not going to harm his recovery.

 

I can only offer you my two cents from my journey. I was free from this for 15 months before I relapsed. To be frank, those 15 months were not really a struggle (except maybe the first 3 months where I had sex dreams twice a week at a minimum). But I find it not being such a struggle because my mind was renewed and fixed on other things. It wasn't so much me trying to resist a temptation, or calling myself an addict. As a believer I saw my created value - who God created me to be and could dwell on what He says about me.

I relate this to your case in the sense of whether or not he is actively resisting this, or more-so free from it by focusing on other things. In my view, this journey is always one of two: either you are continually resisting it, or you are free from it. And by being free from it I don't imply that you are not tempted, but it is a level where the temptation is not strong anymore and is not really tempting, it is when your mind is renewed to a certain level of self-control, discipline and freedom. As opposed to trying to resist it, it's like telling someone "don't think about apples" and of course the only thing at this moment you could think of would be apples.

As for me, I was free - and I had a girlfriend and I could see no-one else but her. She was actually not secure in herself, but for me, I had only eyes for her and no matter what happened, I did not even think in the way of porn but on the contrary, I thought how beautiful this is with her (or potentially could be) because of how I could see her. To me this did not pose as a temptation but rather even further away from porn.

But the things I have to stress out, I abstained from PMO completely for about 10 months before anything happened with her. So it is hard to say whether or not this is something that could tempt him to view P again. What makes sense to me really is what I specified above - if he is free from it in the sense that I described, I would say no problems. If he is actively resisting it, then maybe this is not such a good idea.

 

Hey empty shell (glad your wardrobe is full though), you’ve gotten a few responses already so I don’t know if this will help or not...

You shared that you spoke with your fiancé spoke about incident where you dressed up and he didn’t react (although he precisely doesn’t remember that part). So does that mean you both can talk openly? Why not ask him before doing it again? Ask what triggers him and see if he thinks it’ll make thinks worse or not. Unless you were hoping to surprise him with it?

The way my brain works as a guy- sometimes kinky sex between someone and I, can just be enjoyable because it’s the real life experience I have outside of porn. But on the odd occasion when I want more immediately after (like how you’d crave for ‘seconds’ after you’ve just eaten), I sometimes get tempted by porn. Because it’s the quickest and easiest thing to reach for when you crave for more. Whereas another person/woman can’t be instant. You’ve got to warm them up and get them in the mood.

Therefore it’s 50/50. It can be satisfying and absolute. Or it could potentially mislead him into a sexual craving spiral. But you should definitely try and ask him first.

Good luck!

 

Even at the start of my recovery the scenario you describe would have been amazing. You are getting a great spread of perspectives, but I honestly think this will not harm his reboot. He is rebooting (in part) because he loves you.

That's a great sign. It sounds like he's more present in the relationship now.

Talk to him about this. Some addicts find this a real problem, and some don't. I have never compared my wife to porn, even in the depths of my addiction. (That may sound excellent, but it's not, it is to do with my need to keep porn separate, to keep it mine.)

The chaser effect is a problem, but it's one he's going to have to find ways to overcome. In many ways rebooting in a relationship is (I imagine) easier than rebooting alone (we have the support from, and motivation of, our partners) but in that respect it is harder. That's just something we have to work out ways to deal with, the usual things: exercise, distraction, positive hobbies, etc.

It is brave of you to try again. Good luck.

 

Poetry I like it

 

Hi!
From one empty shell gf to another, I say do it, because it makes us feel GREAT- but prepare yourself for any possible outcome.

I have also have negative upsetting experiences in the past before Dday ( that still effect me greatly) where I've sent him sexy pictures or dressed up in lingerie- with little or no response.

My partner of 3 years is 150 days PM free. About a month into his recovery, I too dressed up in lingerie- as I wanted to feel good again, and wow him. Also because I had seen that he had been using lingerie images to M before discovery.

He acted like he really liked it, but it was more like one of those fake likes- you know the kind when you open an unwanted gift. It didn't feel like real lust or desire toward me- but then that could have been the pressure/build up and previous experiences.

Since then, I've purchased lots more lingerie outfits and sexy dress ups that I like to see myself in- ( they make me feel so good about myself, and help remind me that I am sexually desirable).

They sit under the bed in a box, and to be honest he's never spoken of them- or suggested I dress up for him again which makes me sad.

As I say, prepare yourself for any possible outcome. But the most important thing for me , and you aswell - is that you feel good about yourself.
Even though I didn't entirely get the reaction that I really wanted, I don't regret dressing up. I know my partner did truly appreciate the effort and I don't think it effected his recovery.
I took lots of selfies and keep them in a 'secure folder' on my phone, and when I'm feeling really crappy about myself I look at them ( sounds weird right!!).

Good luck and go get em xxx

 

It would depend on where your SO is in the process, number of days doesn't automatically equal a particular place in recovery.

Also though.. I'm just guessing the kind of lingerie you have is not exactly identical to the kind of stuff he used to see in porn - my guess is generally real people have maybe better taste. There are various other factors while related to sex is just going to be different, though obviously again it does depend on the mind of the beholder.

 

Deep down, all of us men appreciate it when our women come to us in lingerie. Not all of us might say it out loud because we're dumb, but we love seeing it.