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(Possibly triggering) Need clarification on my situation

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by gglplxian, Jul 10, 2019.

  1. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    A few months ago I stumbled across a shock video where a male horse and a man were screwing. At first, I found it funny because a friend had talked about it before and we were making jokes about it and he showed me 3 seconds of it after (that was enough to see what was going on tho). Then one day I got a thought; what if I'm attracted to horses??!! And so I watched the video again and I got an erection, which really freaked me out. Is this escalation or what coz I watched a lot of porn an sometimes even escalated without even noticing? Then it was just a cycle of masturbating to bestiality porn (mostly edging, climaxed once) and reassuring myself I was not a zoophile. Every time I was masturbating I would feel this taboo or kinkyness or as if a part of my brain was going "what the fuck am I doing" and afterwards I would feel so guilty, shocked and ashamed at myself. Now whenever I see a horse I start getting anxious and having thoughts like "am I attracted to that horse?", "do I think that horse looks sexy?", "do I want that horse to penetrate me?" (I know it's fucked up but I can't stop them). I am really confused and anxious coz I never once had these thoughts before the video/erection thing, I'd look at a horse and think nothing sexual of it, but now it seems like I'm some fucking zoophile, please help anyone...
     
  2. miXhal

    miXhal Fapstronaut

    Hello!
    Man, you almost certainly aren´t a zoophile - what you describe seems like classical effect of porn. You watch nastier and nastier things, because those "normal" cannot satisfy you anymore, and it ends like this. It´s disturbing, but good news: it can indeed be overcame. You will need to stop with PM(O) for that to happen, though.
     
    OnTheEdge likes this.
  3. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    First of all, don't take this stuff too serious. You jerked off to a horse, that's pretty funny. :D On a more serious note, I think it's the same like my attraction to transwomen. I've came up with this analogy where watching a transwoman (to me) is like looking at an ugly painting. But when I look at it from just the right angle and squint my eyes a bit, it suddenly looks beautiful and turns me on. And then it turns me on that it turns me on, you know what I mean? I bet it's the same with you and animals.

    Don't worry about those kinks, you can't change them or figure out why you like it, or whether you've always liked it,or whether you ever going to stop liking it, those answers are all out of reach. And they're not important. What's important is the kind of life you want. Is there a wife in it and no porn? Then just go after that and don't worry about the rest.
     
  4. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Thx for the replies. Should I talk to my therapist about this? Isn't watching this kind of stuff illegal? Also, I really don't want this kind of fetish, will abstaining get rid of it? I don't think I've always had it coz if I did, I would've gotten turned on whenever someone said something sexual about a horse probably. But then this doubt keeps coming back...
     
  5. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Also, how do I know if it is escalation or genuine arousal? I got an erection when I tested myself to see if I was aroused by horse pornography by watching a video late at night, is that escalation? Or a genuine fetish?
     
  6. miXhal

    miXhal Fapstronaut

    In the end, it´s up to you to discern that. I´ll try to give you few questions that come to my mind:
    How long and how often are you watching porn?
    How did the videos you watched change over time? Did the same videos satisfy you the same every time?Weren´t they getting more and more hardcore/weird?

    If the videos were getting worse and worse, then I would think it´s an escalation.
     
  7. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    Sexual arousal is just a type of excitation, as is shock arousal, fear arousal etc. Its very easy to mistake one arousal for another.

    You are not attracted to horses you are not a zoophile you were just confused and excited by the shock value and the overlap of sex with animal sex.

    However if you keep watching bestiality porn you train youself to get aroused to it and it will be harder to give it up, so stop checking or thinking about it.
     
    miXhal likes this.
  8. gglplxian

    gglplxian Fapstronaut

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    Tried my best to remember, think it went from solo girls masturbating to rape, stepsister stuff, tentacle, daughter, gay, loli and bestiality. Pretty sure it wasn't in that order but it did get worse without me even noticing. I actually did not watch gay porn but rather had gay fantasies which triggered my hocd. Can you escalate fantasies? Or is it just porn?

    I'll try my best to reset my brain and get rid of these fantasies, they make me so fucking anxious, depressed and panicky.
     
  9. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    In your case it looks like the sexual response got wired to shocking stuff and aggression but fundamentally it got wired with anxiety, as anxiety increases sexual arousal.

    The horse stuff was probably an overlap of shock and aggression.

    Stop sexual arousal and masturbation altogether and you'll be fine.
     
  10. DiegoNunez7749

    DiegoNunez7749 Fapstronaut

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    Yup it’s called a fetish
     
  11. Freedom_from_PMO

    Freedom_from_PMO Fapstronaut

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    Anxiety and overthinking can make taboo fetishes much worse. Also fantasies are not reality, most people are not making their sex fantasies real.
     
  12. Ravefist

    Ravefist Fapstronaut

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    Hye Zen, do you think people can recover 100% from this addiciton from a phsyiological standpoint, or does it create a sort of physiological "scar" that lasts for a lifetime?
     
  13. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    Physiologically speaking I don't know. Psychologically speaking I don't think it should, no. All depends on how you process it, whether you're afraid to face yourself or not, whether things stick with you or whether you can let them go.
     

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