Leaving the Hive

I know I have it too

 

Restless nights . Pit in my stomach. Second guessing myself . ‍♀️Reflecting on what I’m “ giving up “ for my boys and myself . I think It’s a natural human thing I think to calm your brain and heart ♥️enough to “ just get over it “
I know that I can’t . I think that’s the hard part . I’m not being stubborn I know this . I am so so wounded We should be having fun as a family at this beautiful lake house . Instead he’s home , with his precious laptop not seeing anything clearly because he is getting his dopamine hits like a pig in shit . Home alone . 2 weeks . No one watching . Not having to hide it anymore.
I get to be the one witnessing my boys anger and heartache . He gets to see none of it . I get to be the one with all the questions and worry of “ what’s next “
The stupid foolish man has lost a real unicorn to fake ones . And I can’t do anything about it .

 

I know I’m not ALONE . But inside I feel Really alone . I wait 2 weeks before I’m in my own home . Before I can FEEL what the hell this is actually going to FEEL like fully . And even then I know the road will be long . I’m really trying to not look far ahead , but it’s natural isn’t it ?

 

I got caught twice today quietly crying by both boys separately. I promised myself they won’t see my pain . They won’t hear my pain . This is an impossible feat . I am not their problem. Ugg I wish they were younger . I could hide it better if they were . These are young adult MEN . This will not be their story . I can’t let it .
I love summer drinks , summer beers . This place on the water . Music playing, family and friends invited . This time , I’m making sure not to have more than one drink , been inside on couch all day and I have invited no one . The texts are coming
“ can we come play “ , “ when can we come “ , your didnt post your arrival photo on FB like you have the last 9 years “
I HAVENT responded to anyone . I’m afraid I can not wear “ The Mask “ right now .

 

We are at a summer rental , they both have friends here thank god . Dunno why today has been so hard . I mean I do duh , but I was expecting moments of feeling like this not all day

 

That’s all I needed ♥️ Support. Life support .
Not from family and friends that won’t understand

 

♥️ Thanks love . Tomorrow I will make a list . I just can’t seem to muster any physical or mental energy

 

Lol yes I’m into meditation but I keep starting and swearing all thru it . I just took the LONGEST HOTTEST SHOWER OF MY LIFE . Gonna light candles . Gonna watch Big Little Lies w ONE glass of red ❤️

 

Listening to “ Intimate Deception “
Holy crap . My husband is and has always been “ the mechanic “ instead of “ the medic “

 

Since i knew it was going to rain today I’m taking the long ride home to my therapist.

 

Therapy today was really good for me ! I have to do what’s best for ME . I have to sit and think about what’s best for me . Moving FWD . Not being stuck in this glue , feeling it saturating my bones . What will be will be !!