22 Months of free life...almost getting to 2 years!!!

Deleted Account · Jun 13, 2019

fercho29 said: ↑

I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes from one month to the other.
These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction to two of my closest friends , and also about the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old . It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as dark as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more and more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of Bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this guy had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
When I left his hotel room, I entered my car and started crying. I felt like an animal. I wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that I was an addict, something I never realized before.
Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

great post my friend. very inspiring. always great to hear someone come from the dark and free themself and you have my friend keep it up. i wish you nothing but the best in your new full life!

skull67 · Jun 14, 2019

fercho29 said: ↑

I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes from one month to the other.
These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction to two of my closest friends , and also about the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old . It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as dark as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more and more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of Bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this guy had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
When I left his hotel room, I entered my car and started crying. I felt like an animal. I wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that I was an addict, something I never realized before.
Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

fuck man, that part about the gay being poor and forced to do this made me emo, because jus look at him, he is a victim of his circumstances, whereas, we have created such pathetic circumstances only for ourselves....shit man shit, i hopep you get out of this soon enough, and so do i, todday is my second day

Rebooter85 · Jul 3, 2019

fercho29 said: ↑

I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes from one month to the other.
These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction to two of my closest friends , and also about the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old . It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as dark as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more and more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of Bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this guy had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
When I left his hotel room, I entered my car and started crying. I felt like an animal. I wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that I was an addict, something I never realized before.
Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

OMG! WHAT A STORY! I'm glad that you are now in the right path.
If I wouldn't have stopped and discovered nofap, my path would have been probably very similar to yours. I came from PMO, over sexting and caming almost to the point where I met the ladies in real life to just get an even higher 'kick'. All for one reason: Get a dopamin high through recognition

Deleted Account · Jul 3, 2019

A sad but then ultimately uplifting and inspirational tale.
So good to read.

bikinhappy · Jul 4, 2019

What a heart breaking story, but very motivating. You give hope that even in the most shit condition a human can bounce back and slay the urges. Thank you for sharing this with us. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel...

Deleted Account · Apr 13, 2020

once again, what a moving story. congratulations for all your progress.

fercho29 · Apr 13, 2020

CaptainFranklin said: ↑

once again, what a moving story. congratulations for all your progress.
Click to expand...

I am glad you are reading my older posts @CaptainFranklin
I took advantage and read them too
It os incredible, I forgot how bad I was feeling and how amazing is too be outside of the worst part of the the addiction
These last few weeks have not been easy, staying at home all day, so I had strong urges and a lot of temptations to watch P
Things with my wife have not been great neither. She is going through her menopause and this makes her moody and emotionally unstable
In some of our fights the tooic of my addiction and my past infidelities comes back again and again. Which makes me feel guilty some times, sad and this retrofits the vicious circle of craving
But I need to say no, and reading my posts helps me to avoid opening the door to the obscure world I was once into
Thank you for helping me to remember
Fercho

Deleted Account · Apr 13, 2020

fercho29 said: ↑

I am glad you are reading my older posts @CaptainFranklin
I took advantage and read them too
It os incredible, I forgot how bad I was feeling and how amazing is too be outside of the worst part of the the addiction
These last few weeks have not been easy, staying at home all day, so I had strong urges and a lot of temptations to watch P
Things with my wife have not been great neither. She is going through her menopause and this makes her moody and emotionally unstable
In some of our fights the tooic of my addiction and my past infidelities comes back again and again. Which makes me feel guilty some times, sad and this retrofits the vicious circle of craving
But I need to say no, and reading my posts helps me to avoid opening the door to the obscure world I was once into
Thank you for helping me to remember
Fercho
Click to expand...

I have read hundreds or maybe thousands of posts and stories on this site. There is just something in your writing that makes the picture so clear. Maybe it is how far you have come, or maybe the way you write. You seem not to have to write long manifestos to illustrate what is going on. Thank you for all you have shared here.

I was once over a year away from the addiction, and fell back in. What you say in your response rings very true to me: we always forget what it was like, going session to session like a madman, unable to think of anything else. In my case, stealing away into the bathroom and making up excuses, with my heart racing and this nasty taste in my mouth. Then afterward, looking in the mirror and cursing myself because I did it again.

I guess forgetting is part of the problem, and probably why we need to stay connected, to see what we are getting away from. I can see why you are are still here and posting. Best of luck my friend.

Eaglevision_2019 · Apr 14, 2020

Inspiring story. Congratulation.

PowerfulSRE · Apr 14, 2020

What a story. I almost cried. Thank you for sharing such an inspiring story. I hope you are ok now after your last relapse. Stay strong!

Deleted Account · Apr 14, 2020

I'm much younger than you, but i think you're very brave to express your emotions and your feelings. A lot of people wouldn't have had the courage to face this addiction. You're a strong person.

maradona10 · Apr 14, 2020

Maestro!!!!

fercho29 · Apr 14, 2020

Gracias @maradona10 . Asumo que sos argentino. Yo tambien, aunque vivo en Miami hace muchos años.
Tenemos un foro en español, si quieres nos encuentras aca:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/nofap-en-español.50547/page-41#post-773816
Fercho

Dexter Moran · Apr 14, 2020

fercho29 said: ↑

I have reached 22 months PMO free on Sunday.
This has been an amazing journey, and I still can notice changes from one month to the other.
These past 2 or 3 months, I have gained much more distance with the addiction. I feel now completely outside the "big night", that foggy state of mind that used to be with me all the time as an addict, always with a sense of oppression inside my chest.
I can re think over everything i did as an addict with new eyes: the long sessions watching porn and MO'ing, hours sex chatting and arranging promiscuous hook ups with guys in shady motels, hiring male escorts, participating in sex parties and visiting massage parlors and glory holes. Everything in the shadows, hiding from my wife and two sons, behaving like a thief covering his steps to avoid being discovered.
I can think about the time, money and energy that i spent in this shit. The dangerous places were i was, so helpless!
I took so many risks of being discovered by my family, being so close to lose them due to this addiction!
I felt too guilty during the first 18 months of my reboot, once I started getting out of the foggy brain state of mind and realizing how sick I behaved.
I chose to fight every urge as if it were the last one. They still come once or twice a week, some stronger than others. I need to be very alert, because the "Gremlin" is asleep, but can wake up if I get distracted or complacent. He is still there, dormant but alive.
This month I took one step forward in my reboot: I got back to my hometown Buenos Aires and took advantage to speak about my addiction to two of my closest friends , and also about the sexual abuse I experienced when i was 10 years old . It was hard but very comforting. I got a sense of relief, like taking 10 pounds from inside my chest. Up to now just my wife knew about it. Being able to speak out allowed me not only to keep healing about my past traumas and addiction, but also to "get the addiction out of obscurity". It is not in the shadows any longer, i took it out to the sunlight and see the whole thing differently.
Part of the pleasure of the addiction is "the pleasure of the forbidden". We do it behind close doors, or in brothels and dark and promiscuous places. They are as dark as most of the porn videos, usually showing dark places, violence, rapes, abuse.
Distance and time allows me to see the monster I had became during 40 years.
Like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde, one pretends to be a honorable member of the society during the day, just to become a monster under the dark of the night. But as this character, the monster started taking me over more and more, until there was no more days for me: just a long a continuous night that lasted years.
Until one day when I reached rock bottom. I hired a famous porn star as an escort, as I always did. But this time it was different. Instead of a fast "pay, have sex, get out" session, this guy started talking about his life. he told me that he was no even gay, he had a girlfriend , but he needed to do this because he had a very poor family in Hungary which he needed to support. He described how they were abused by the director of Bel Ami, the most famous gay porn studio in Europe. How this guy had "the right" to sleep with any of them every night he wanted. How pimps took out most of the money they make, how many are dying from drug overdose , AIDS and sexual violence. That there were forced to have sex without condoms because this is what "the clients are asking for". And how the studio makes fake AIDS tests showing that they are all negative when it was not true.
The worst part was that after listening this for 30 minutes, I still had sex with this guy. I could not stop, even knowing that I was being active and he was hurting a lot.
When I left his hotel room, I entered my car and started crying. I felt like an animal. I wanted to kill myself for the guilt I felt.
Fortunately, one week later I found NoFap and Gary Wilson ted Talks video "The Great Porn Experiment". I open my eyes to the fact that I was an addict, something I never realized before.
Fast forward to today: my life is not perfect, but I am living a much happier and honest life. I am committed to make the people that surrounds me happier, and to help many Fapstronauts to get rid of this shitty disease.
It is not easy guys. it is painful, some days you are craving the "instant pleasure of a good PMO session". But we can win this fight.
Keep on fighting
Fercho
Click to expand...

Keep going comrade and mind yourself!

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