Leaving the Hive

Fully feels like he’s acting out . But I think it’s also because he knows it’s over ? Since it’s over pride and ego will not even let him communicate on ANY level . He hasn’t responded to my email and not a word has been said to me since Sunday other than Monday asking if I’ve seen his sneakers. Bizarre

 

I don’t think this is any different than other addictions ? That the maturity is stunted when the addiction takes hold . So that would make my husband 16 . Umm ya he is , if that lol

 

But that’s the the thing he never really left the addiction ( other than 8/18-12/18 ) the rest of it since 12/16 was a lie I’m sure of it now . I can say poor guy because I understand his addiction. But I’m at the point where I’m more like my poor kids and I . We will lose a great man to this disgusting disease . It’s hard to show love when the person doesn’t speak AT ALL . I’ve been approachable.

 

I’ve been having dreams . The other night was a vile addicted husband saying I HATE YOU . I am leaving YOU . I woke up so sad . Last night I had a dream faced with my gentle husband telling me he made his own appointments with a therapist and dr to check his testosterone. Ugg I woke up like ugg if only . That would not change our relationship right now , but would give me hope that he is healing .
I’m tired

 

<3
I’m sorry too .

 

I think most of that was true about the no P , but not the M . It doesn’t even matter anymore. I don’t care what’s on the laptop . The fact he bought it and is not saying a word to me and acting out shows what was important to him . He’s protecting the precious P instead of ME . I’ll be ok , in time

 

NOTHING . Not a fucking word . Wtf . Anger is where I sit . Seething rage. I’m suffering in silence in my own fucking home . My bags are packed for cayman . I told my boys an hour ago they were totally ok . They know I’m going for an event so they don’t think I’m leaving HIM . I will not get into anything like that til I get back . I was going to see if there would be opportunity. There will be at 4:30 am when I’m walking out with my luggage . Idiot addict doesn’t see what’s happening right in front of him .

 

We know this . It still doesn’t make it any easier . In this case knowledge for me is not power . Knowledge for me is sad , heartbroken etc . Thor you know I have empathy. You know I have delved deep into porn addiction to see I for what it is . Too learn to support through slips and relapses . I know my path and I can already see his . I lash out vent on here but in my house I’m so soft when it comes to discussing this PA . My words have become a little more stern as the days go by without him him speaking to ME . My first email to him was facts . The email I just left him was facts mixed in with hard truths about the last 23 years . And his acting out , I believe the words were you’ll have plenty of privacy this week cuz I’m out . Enjoy your freedom to M and do what you like , I hope you don’t break it lolol

 

I sent the email . No response this morning. Tippy toed . In the dark . He was out cold , until I was in the kitchen . But he stayed in the dark . Couldn't really see me . But lol the window was open in living room and the driver goes " is this all your luggage " I'm sure he then realized what was happening. But he didn't respond and he wouldn't even think of caymans . Such a fool but hey I’m leaven on a jet plane ....

 

No response, exactly what I expected