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Leaving the Hive

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    The hard part for me today is HOPE . Like I hope he gets help . I hope he apologizes. I hope he is remorseful. But none of that should even matter to me . I’m not in a safe relationship. I could stay in this relationship if I hated him . That may sound weird but if I hated him I could just live not caring what he did / does , I know many ppl that do live like that . I just don’t have it in me to stay in a relationship full of love , AND lies .
     
  2. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I’m in exactly 100% the same situation, minus kids, mine are all adults now. I told him the other day, I think I live in a fantasy world. I thought we would get through this and be working on healing,..but he’s just been going deeper in to lying to me and everyone else. It hurts, it’s overwhelming and like I’ve said before heartbreakingly sad.

    I’m here for ya...as are all the other SO’s
     
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  3. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ugg my 17 year old just asked me if he cheated on me . I said quick answer is no . He was relieved said he’s been worrying . I just don’t know what the fuck to do . Because he did cheat me , of honesty out of transparency, money etc . FML
     
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  4. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Watch Brain, Heart, World with your sons-it would be a gentle way to let them know. Leaving them fester is not good and you can't protect their dad from what he has done.
     
  5. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    B
    BOY DID THIS JOURNAL CHANGE TO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN I WANTED IN A MATTER OF 9 months . FUCK THIS ADDICTION
     
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  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I agree . I will email him the chance to do so first . We are not exactly on speaking terms , well he isn’t . Mr . Stonewalling seems to want to hang out for a bit !!
    But positive things are happening for ME ! I have not made one meal solely for him , have not prepared his lunches . Not doing his dishes . ( these are defined in my boundary list ) I said YES to 4 things this week not caring what he is doing home alone !!! Pool party , surprise party , and a gals game night . Also I quite possibly will be leaving for the Caymans soon ! ME first . My oxygen mask first !! Fuck this dumb life of living for someone else’s sobriety because it doesn’t matter in the end he was doing it anyway
     
  7. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    AMAZING!!!!! Good for you!!!!
     
  8. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    His responsibility to deal with the consequences of his actions. Good job QnB42078
    I’m proud of you...
     
    Susannah likes this.
  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Beautiful! Congrats!
     
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I was cleaning my room and read some of my journal I started in 09 when I found the money missing . Omg a full year later from that he was still having ED issues and had the secret laptop . My feelings then were so nervous and anxious and I write how he felt distant . Same fucking thing . Same apology cards in there same believe in me again cards . All set . I’m then reading it from when we got back from Vegas vow renewal in 2011 . “I will begin to open my heart up fully to him now that it’s been 2 years “ fool !!! it was good for me to see that in a DECADE I’m in the same exact place ! It sure helps things .
     
  11. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Wow...it’s so disheartening to read this. I definitely lived in a fantasy world, believing, trusting and hoping he would grow/evolve.

    So what are your next steps going to be?
     
  12. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    We’ve had SIGNIFICANT DDAYS
    09’ ( money spent on P vowed to change etc )
    16’ found a hidden laptop at work that he bought in 09’ when I put accountability software on pc with his approval ( he never stopped
    19’ FOUND A 6 month old laptop he was using all while doing FANOS and lying to my face .
    Next step is I have friends picking me up for game night in an hour and Friday I leave for the motherfucking Cayman Islands and he has no fucking idea that’s the next step the day after I get home we leave for a summer house for 2 weeks ( it’s local he still works ) wether or not he comes I don’t give a shit . I’m not looking past that .
     
  13. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Good job...way ta go. Have a blast in the caymans...and at the summer house
     
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    :) I had such a mixed bag night . I laughed my ass off . Took the mask off and told the gals as much as could get out last night . 5 sets of eyeballs staring in disbelief , eyes popped out of their heads . Of course drank more than I should have in a fun way . Didn’t get home until 1 . This morning I’m hungover . This morning I have regret , for feeling bad seeing him on the couch . For crying myself to sleep . This morning I see he tried to cover his tracks on what he was watching while I was out lol ARE YOU THE ONE . Seriously that show itself is porn and something he’s never watched . Along w some other questionable channels . The thing is , he has not responded to my email . Has not uttered a word to me . I actually feel bad thinking he’s going to very quickly spiral and I CANT care . What’s the point ? I can only control myself .
     
  15. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I think our situations as SOs become so "normal" to us that we forget at times how truly abnormal it is to be married to a man who prefers PMO. Chatting about it with friends in healthy marriages certainly has helped me to realize the insanity of this addiction.
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Complete and utter insanity. Yes, I understand the addiction part and the insatiable appetite etc...but seriously there comes a point when enough is enough. I mean what happens if the Pa gets HIV ? Was the marriage worth risking my life? Would he do the same for me? I think not.
    I’m so Happy you took the mask off and are openly speaking your truth..that’s what I think we all need to do! I mean you’re only as sick as your secrets...and why should us SO’s carry their shame, guilt and secrets...it’s their job.
    Get that elephant out of the room...and declare the truth. I have a girlfriend whose husband is an alcoholic. She often finds him on park benches. She has three kids and says look kids there’s your dad. The kids accept dad is a drunk and occasionally he sobers up and comes home for a brief period and then he’s back out on the street. That’s acceptance of what is.
    This is a baffling and frustrating addiction, and it destroys everything like a slow growing cancer.
     
  17. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Ugg . Got home all lights off in house tv on he’s in the shower . Saw he searched for game of thrones we don’t have that channel . It’s basically porn . POS . I was feeling bad on the ride home that he’s an addict . I’m stupid stupid woman . I know I will eventually stop looking . I will I have to promise myself that .
     
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  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    It just maddening right ??? Like I UNDERSTAND it’s an addiction. I can rationally keep telling myself this . My brain knows it , my heart knows it . It’s a stupid thing , thinking that I can control anything . I can’t . I can control my own behavior ( most days lol ) . I can be with an addict in recovery with slips here and there . I only wanted progress and to stay the course regarding boundaries. You slip ? Say it ? Take your consequences. They just make choices and decisions in the marriage unfairly allowing us to decide if we are ok with something or not .
     
  19. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I ALWAYS say that it would be easier if he was an alcoholic, there’s no stigma , well there is but it’s different. No one is looking at the spouse thinking it’s her fault he’s an alcoholic
     
  20. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    I agree-if my husband was a drug addict I would definitely have more empathy for him. The fact is that sexual addiction changes how they relate to us intimately-how they see us and how they enjoy sex and intimacy with us. I understand it was his coping mechanism-but the coping mechanism is other women. It's so hurtful on so many different levels than alcohol or drug addiction.
     

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