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Leaving the Hive

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Queenie%Bee, Sep 24, 2018.

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  1. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    You are correct. In fact my PA use to say that. I’m like a dog...I live in the moment. I said ya with no thought of consequences.
    That said...take a bone away from a dog...and what do have ? Same thing with a PA...a snarling, angry, beast.
    That’s not the man I married..I married a kind, loving, soul.
     
  2. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    I think those who are counseling against a hasty decision may not fully understand that SOs with much history with PA at all have probably spent COUNTLESS hours lying awake (while the addict snored and dreamt of boats and football), ruminating, contingency planning, imagining scenarios, feeling trapped and looking for possible ways out and around, planning to leave, thinking about where they'd go and what they'd do, working on themselves, building internal resources, etc. Sure, when something awful happens, they still have the capacity to feel shock and dismay, but they also often (not always) have internal boundaries and plans "at the ready" inside themselves that then step to the fore. There may be confusion, but at least for me, that was, in reality, a kind of non-acceptance of the situation. I wasn't so much confused as I was infuriated that I had a decision to make at all. Working on acceptance of the facts of my situation, no matter how bad it was, helped a lot. (But I don't think this can be rushed and in no way implies approval of the situation.)

    Two of the calmest days of my life were our last DDay and the day I decided to leave. On the last DDay, I was hit with 1) knowledge that my home contained materials that had to be removed 2) the absolute shock that he had actually stored some of those files on MY work computer 3) a wide variety of confessions of past behaviors more vile than I had ever suspected. In spite of all this, I was completely calm and knew exactly what to do. I set about turning out every drawer, every closet, every old pocketbook in a three story house with a basement and a barn and did not sleep until I had done so. I stopped short of pulling up floorboards, but I considered it. The day I decided to leave (a few months later), I went outside and just started crying. I let everything out, and when I was finished, I knew I was ready to go and I left my home. It did not seem like a new decision I had made. It felt like something I had always known, but had now come to the surface as readiness. Again, as calm as could be and I have remained that way.

    It doesn't just "seem" that there are no "good" choices. They all carry significant pain for you, whether that's direct or indirectly through suffering of your loved ones. Your situation sucks. I'm sorry you have to, but you DO have the strength to handle it. You've been around this block before and have built up considerable internal resources. The information you need is there and available to you. It might be ready to come out right now or in 6 months, but you'll know it when you see it. And when you do see it, don't let anyone tell you you don't.
     
  3. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Very well written And very true.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I am so disappointed in myself for shoving him as hard as I did . I can not believe I am going to be a divorced woman obviously in house separation for how long who knows . I swear you will hear shockwaves in my family and town . I don’t really care about anyone else but my kids mainly . I just can’t believe he was this selfish . I mean I can . But we were doing some good work for a little while .
    He through out the “ sorry your perfect and I’m not , your expectations are to high for me “
    “ I JUST WANTED HONESTY AND TRANSPARENCY those are not high expectations “
    He took the same stance as in the past . He felt caged . Well now you blew up your family and will get as much alone time you want
     
    Kizd4AFool and (deleted member) like this.
  5. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Please don't shame yourself for pushing him. I think it was a conpletely natural response and don't beat yourself up about it. You are human and you have put up with ALOT. Everyone loses their shit sometimes and you have just been horribly abused by him and his addiction.
     
    Deleted Account and EyesWideOpen like this.
  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    When he kept saying he didn’t remember going to RI while I was away he kept saying and then yelled I DONT REMEMBER !! I got frustrated
     
  7. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    My husband pulls the "well you are perfect and I am not" card too-pity party. His addiction is talking so loud. I am so sorry. And expecting honesty and sexual fidelity is a basic need in a marriage. Don't let him gaslight you! All his words are addict bs
     
  8. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Right. How does a person not remember traveling to another state?!
     
  9. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    OF COURSE YOU DID. He is lying and gaslighting and he caused you to doubt your intuition. You are tired of his SHIT.
     
    Kizd4AFool and hope4healing like this.
  10. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    My email . We shouldn’t speak . And he will never come to me . He has not approached me once since Friday .



    I am sorry for putting my hands on you . That’s about all I can be sorry for . I just can not believe you just blew up our family for real this time over
    “ feeling caged , restricted , no alone time , “ look what you do with your alone time , you deceive , betray , LIE LIE LIE all to hide an addiction that you didn’t do any work to understand. your a husband and father , instead of looking at what your time is FILLED WITH ( besides work ) all your blessings . A wife who stayed and supported you . This wasn’t easy for me . Easy would have been if I made you leave in 16’ you did NOTHING OF RECOVERY ALL OF 17’ and and 4 months of 18 . You didn’t give it a chance . You white knuckled it . The kids heard “ something “ today . Not sure what . I told them you will be on the couch for 30 days because you crossed a boundary. To ask you if they felt necessary. I told them to continue showing love to you . If you spent HALF the time researching or learning about betrayal trauma and the PTSD that goes along with it as I spent researching porn addiction we would be in the right place . You would have fed the right wolf . You would have made an appt w a doc to test your testosterone you would do ANYTHING other than trying to “ spark something “ sexually with images of other naked woman . I am not perfect , but I am transparent with my family the ONLY thing on my forefront . You just gave up so much , for “ alone time “ . Yet I have given up everything including my sanity to try to save us . For you to let me be the unicorn . You have serious intimacy issues . Intimacy anorexia I believe Dr B said . I am a fucking Unicorn that 100 percent deserved more than being BLINDSIDED yet again by a fucking laptop . Instead you gave up your family , a future . Sharing grandchildren and dreams together . Things haven’t been perfect lately but without your addiction at the forefront everything was fixable . I am just so disappointed it came to this . There will be no laughter ( that kind of went away anyway ) you kept me at arms length for months . There will be no inside jokes at family parties . Because no , that is my family . Maybe go on NOFAP find support for your addiction. If you ever looked they have accountability partners etc . Fill your alone time feeding your soul not sucking the life out of it . Or go get that iPhone , Facebook whatever it is that you are seeking at 46 years old . I just want peace . My therapist said right now this relationship is not safe for me , my mental , physical, emotional well being . Peace is To not have to worry about the rabbit whole .
     
  11. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    It’s bullshit I’m going to the bank tmrw to find the location of the ATM .
     
    Hopefulgirl likes this.
  12. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Listen to your therapist. Safe journey and always trust your intuition.
     
  13. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    You have to REALLY love someone deep enough to Hate them this much :(
     
    Kizd4AFool and PeterJL like this.
  14. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I Am. Exhausted.
    I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating . As a T1 diabetic this can wreak havoc on your body then your mind . That was a really hard weekend . I’m going to be calmer and clear headed today . I’m already pretty clear headed on where we stand . It’s more now how do we do it
     
  15. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Am I going to be
    “ the woman who left her husband because he watched porn “

    “ she left him ? , he was so good to her “

    What will he tell ppl

    “ my wife didn’t like me watching porn ever “

    it’s probably because she wouldn’t have sex , boring , weight gain etc “

    Neither of those are accurate

    “ I’m the woman who left my husband because he has a pornography addiction that led him to deceive , hide , lie , spend $15k on fetish websites ( that I know of ) escalated to looking up escorts all the while I stayed supporting and helping him fight the addiction . 2 hidden laptops in 2 1/2 years . One of them while “ in recovery “ He made a half assed attempt at recovery . He got in the way of my healing . Im the woman who is a sexual being herself . Im the woman all along that has costumes that initiates , keeps myself clean and looking nice . I’m the woman that does it all , hot meal no matter what time he gets home . Laundry , all cooking , all cleaning . While raising 2 of the best humans I know . Down for whatever . I know this is not on me . None of this has anything to do with me . It does become difficult to not take it personal when you don’t feel sexually desired by your husband . I’m the woman who left because her happiness and joy and safety has been severely compromised. All the handholding , date nights , vacations , cuddles are tainted when he was hiding and deceiving the whole time . 23 years wasted worrying about what he’s doing when I’m not around . All the girls trips I was “ too busy “ to go on . So many fun opportunities missed . Because I thought if I was around he wouldn’t slip . Wasted . He was slipping anyway . He showed no remorse, no real apology . No breakdown . The finger was pointed at me . Again . That is why this woman left her husband because she wants HER life back “

    But ppl will never know that . I will not assassinate his character .
    I found our pictures this morning that he keeps in his wallet sitting on his dresser. He’s not going to try . I didn’t think he would . He’s an addict .
     
  16. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    QnB... I’m in exactly the same position. You are doing the right thing by not assassinating his character. You have children with him and the children will bare the burden. Yes you have missed many opportunities to live a happy life..however now you can change that and live the life of your dreams. It only takes courage.

    Other people are nosy, his actions will speak for him. The marriage didn’t work out, it happens all the time. Besides that most people are so wrapped up in their own world they don’t really care anyway.

    Yes there will be gossipers, but only for awhile. You’ll find out who your true friends are and who isn’t. You will find peace. This situation is comparable to banging your head against a brink wall...it’s not until you stop do you realize how truly painful this situation has become.

    You can’t control another person, especially and addict...sometimes the very best thing you can do is to just let go...if it’s meant to be it will be. It’s hard because it’s the lost of a dream, a marriage, husband etc... Unfortunately the addiction is like a demon...and it’s his demon to fight.

    Please take care of you and your children...put your children’s needs and yours first and foremost .
     
  17. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    One response to people asking why the separation is to simply say...get an education on sex/porn addiction and then we will talk. More times than not it will never be discussed again.

    There’s so much about this addiction, so much hiding etc...I have an acquaintance who just came forward to me about her husband. He’s beating her , cheating on her, sending videos of himself , watching porn, and having affairs. The shame is dumped on the SO and out of warped love we carry the burden. Stop carrying his burden. I’m not keeping any secrets, I will use discretion though.

    I know exactly what you’re talking about , what will he say...that’s up to him. All you can do is be the best version of yourself that you can. Stand proud in your truth..be supportive of him best you can..and talk with people you can trust. Not everyone deserves to know everything.

    My PA has a wonderful couple who love and support him. We are on the same page as far as setting limits etc...they are sad for both of us. PAs can compartmentalize so easily. They can be the good guy one minute and heartbroken beast the next. Just be you...acknowledge your thoughts feelings and emotions. Be the example of a strong empowered woman that you want your children to admire...and never talk bad about their dad....EVER.

    Thinking encouraging thoughts and prayers for you and your children.
     
    kropo82 and (deleted member) like this.
  18. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    He literally has no one . My family is his only family . As far as friends go we don’t have any , well I have one . We lost all our friends to envy go figure . Because we get along really well and most couples don’t so we just started doing everything together , we also up until last April owned convenience stores together . So intertwined ugg .
     
  19. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    I think that’s part of the addiction process,..isolation...I’m in the same position. We have a few acquaintances, I have two best girlfriends . He’s totally disconnected from friends and family.
    That’s his choice , nothing I can do about it.

    Yes addiction related relationships become enmeshed and that is as harmful as the addiction itself. I know for me , I’ve lost myself in this relationship. There’s a difference between interdependent and codependent and betrayal trauma...I bounce between all three. I need to get straight with me first...then maybe I’ll be a healthier partner .

    Sometimes a break away to reassess the relationship is all that is needed, a time to figure out where one person ends and the other begins.

    I honestly know what you are going through and it’s rough. Breath...deep breath
     
    Kizd4AFool likes this.
  20. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    I think it causes isolation on both sides of this horrendous coin
     

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