Permanent damage from edging advice please

Mate honestly the twitching was annoying as fuck. I'd twitch everywhere in my body same goes for spasms. My vision I had floaters, flashes of light, blurry vision and so on.

 

Just be prepared to accept a two year recovery time frame. It sounds daunting at first but honestly that is where a lot of people are heading nowadays. Noone knew the consequences years ago. I believe we will come back stronger though!

 

Flashes of light are common for me too and sometimes the vision is blurry. I guess every longtimer with 15-20+ years of PMO will need at least 1 year of recovery. Preferably in monk mode. I'll honestly go through that than maybe even die from withdrawal symptoms caused by kindling. 1-2 years of recovery for a lifetime of wellbeing is a good tradeoff.

 

Yea every PMO relapse was creating the worst anxiety imaginable for me. I felt borderline like a spastic at my worst I couldnt even speak properly my speech was all over the show, brain damage in a very sinister way.

 

Exactly, I don't want to frighten other people, but even if PMO kindling doesn't kill someone, they might end up in a hospital or have to use meds which is scary to think of how powerful of a drug PMO is when done for a long time.

 

That's why I am tapering down right now instead of going cold turkey.

I recognize all those myoclonic jerks, twitching, floating sensation, etc etc. But also having moments where I almost go completely unconscious. Or a very weird buzzing feeling in my head for a few seconds when falling asleep etc.

The fear without any reason and eerie states of mind (feeling a bit like a bad trip) without any reason plus the akathisia are far worse though.. I am glad to have windows in between where these symptoms are somewhat lessened.

 

Would you happen to know if playing video games for an hour or two per day prolong these symptoms as they give dopamine as well? Or would it make the journey a bit more tolerable with something fun to do when you have free time? Maybe the brain would get a small "fix" in the form of video games and the symptoms would gradually lessen.

 

I don't know, but it's less artificial than PMO edging and stuff.
It could maybe even help retrain your brain but obviously gaming for hours on end is a lesser choice for that. Brain games, puzzles, reading and coordination sports (like table tennis) are much much better to be honest.

Also it's definitely not entirely about dopamine, especially if youve been addicted for more than a decade and have made your brain dirty by edging for hours on end per session

 

I can pretty much understand how this makes sense.

I PMO'd occasionally from age 12 or so, but really only started regularly around 15-16 y/o. I didn't realise the bad effects of PMO until I was 19, after I had multiple girls wanting to get with me and me simply having 0 desire for any of them. Something had to change.

at the time of writing this, I have been 'trying' to quit seriously since about july 2018. I quit porn for like 70 days (MO'd after 30 or so), but honestly I can safely say I was 100% rebooted at this point.

However, I went back to PMO as I saw loads of stuff online about how it has no effect etc. after seeing first hand that it did, I put more pressure on myself to get rid of PMO. slowly but surely, I started 'kindling'. without realising it, my initial habit did little to no damage but this new one caused a full blown addiction.

I then kept building up in my head I HAD to do this. everytime I relapsed, I hated myself. I beat myself to a pulp mentally. add this to kindling and my student lifestyle (lots of boredom and free time, lack of purpose, followed by short bursts of stress) it made the situation 100x worse.

since I started my final year of college, I almost feel like a different person. I feel sad, I genuinely feel scared when it is the evening for absolutely no reason I can comprehend. However, these symptoms almost vanish when I socialise (which is very rare these days). when I do socialise with my mates/girl, I feel like myself again. how I used to.

however, since around Christmas 2018, I have made improvements. when I relapse, I used to binge 3 pmos and then start again the next day. in the last few months, I have Pmo'd on average probably 4-6 times a month, and every relapse has only been ONE session. this is an improvement but still suggests I have work to do.

however as I have said I think my porn habit is conducive of my lifestyle. I am sure that once I start work my mood will pick up and not only will I be busy and tired, in general I will be happier which will help to quit PMO. I am not sure if days off and then one session on is kindling, but I definitely am making no progress like this.

the other interesting thing I found is that if I simply MO or get my girl to give me a handjob (I literally cant stay hard enough to put on a condom) I feel great afterwards. but porn (even if I don't MO to it) makes me feel like utter shit after. it is clear that porn Is the issue, and not masturbation/sex.

what im trying to say is kindling definitely is awful for your brain. before I knew about nofap I would pmo probably once a day but it didn't affect my life at all, except my sex drive was a bit low (which could be fixed from a few days of abstinence) but since then I have become more dependent on it, due to kindling.

 

Binging and kindling in my case has been what's fucked me up massively. Your case has strikingly similarites with mine mate especially with the age part.

Kindling simply put is where each relapse brings on greater withdrawal symptoms and that is exactly what I was getting more profound effects over time, becoming stupid and stupid is the only way I could describe it. Binging is also the worst thing you can do as well that made feel like utter shit, every time I'd relapse I'd fuckinf hate myself in a heroin like hazy numb high.

 

that's crazy mate, honestly this shit is so stupid. I just feel like i'm going round and round in circles, desperately wanting to quit but just being scared of not being able to. it is all just a confidence trick.

again as I alluded to in my original post, I think my lifestyle really effects my PMO situation. I am sure that once I start work I will be sorted with this shit. at least my mind will be taken off PMO for a lot of time. at least I have the discipline to not binge when I relapsed in the past. at least I now know that beating myself up is pointless.

Thing is, my life doesn't really have any similarities with the typical addict. I don't have childhood trauma, I have no family issues, I have friends, I was never bullied, I have a job and starting in September I will either be working in the heart of London which will be great or a city near to my home, which means I can buy my dream car (I saved a lot for it).

I just feel like I am waiting for that time to come. but I cant go on relapsing until September. I have decided that I am just gonna go 30 days without pmo, whatever the fuck I feel, if im desperate, depressed, whatever it is 30 days is definitely happening. after that, I will allow myself to MO if I want, but never look, even peek at P.

its a real weird game man. I cant take 5 years to get serious. I am serious now, I don't know how much more serious a man can get. but it scares me, as u guys said, thinking about the future feels scary to me. I think that honestly stems from us being hopeful in the past, and failing and being so disappointed. we don't like to dream because the potential disappointment scares us. but that shits natural. just gotta keep going eh

 

After how long did your depersonalization and derealization start to fade away?

 

About a year into it mate. I never really suffered with it too extreme. More so lack of memory, insane blank mind, and debilitating anxiety. Dodd episodes happened very infrequently.

 

What is dodd?

 

What's tapering mean?

 

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/taper