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When The Wife Does NOT Understand

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    What about if the porn watcher satisfy the so sex life also. Some so understand the appeal of other sexual attraction force. IMHO, if the porn watcher could not pay attention to his or her so sexual need then he or she had failed to do the partners duty. Of course if the person watches porn, he or she should disclose that long ago before even marriage.
    With that understood, some should be allowed to have some sex fantasy sometimes imo. I'm sure Maybes people like a little variety just for the kick. some so got so hurt bc the porn addict was too extreme into the hole or doesn't do any loving approach at all or lack effective communication skill to share the feeling.
    My only problem is if a porn watcher only does so casually and still does his or her duty as a caring partner, he or she still get labeled with like a death sentence. As if his or her life is being sold to the so. I get betryal truma is real and hurtful. That need to be taken care of. However the betrayed individual needs to try hard and does not blame and take hostage of the addict feeling. Some said it may take forever to heal in life time, I think that is bs to some degree. Is the so truly healing or is that just being resentful to the addict. Sometimes this forum make it feel like the so is always right. I just find that not always to be true in the so point of view. This paragraph applies only if the addict is communicating and trying to heal. Only the addict himself or herself would know *
     
  2. Many couples enjoy porn together and it works for them. Many couples watch porn alone but don’t hide it from their SO. This works for them.

    just because someone watches porn doesn’t mean they are an addict. I drink a cocktail or 2 on the weekend it doesn’t mean I am an alcoholic.

    If you enter into a relationship with someone who says they don’t want P and you agree and secretly watch it- that’s a problem. If you need P to become aroused that’s clearly a problem.

    “The betrayed individual needs to try hard...” I really hope you never have to experience what betrayal trauma is like.
     
    Hopefulgirl, Nugget9 and Numb like this.
  3. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I know this was meant well, but that scenario is almost in no way related to the typical PA here. What you describe is much more personal than typical P use.
     
  4. I’d have to agree. I wish my SO only watched one woman over and over. Instead he got to pick and choose all the women that he wanted.

    The reason I used this as an example is because it’s a way to understand the betrayal. To the PA they have a difficult time understand why the SO is so hurt because those women meant nothing- to her they represent everything she is not. Unfortunately women are constantly judged by their looks and sexuality (this of course is not the fault of her spouse- it is just a sad reality) so when her partner continually seeks prettier, sexier, thinner, etc etc. Woman she feels deeply betrayed- the same as if a man realized his best friend was watching his wife.
    You might not agree with this, and that’s fine, as a SO of a PA this rings true for many of us.
     
    Lilla_My likes this.
  5. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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    I knew my post would trigger that reaction. And not be getting any likes as well :) The thing is I do know what I’m talking about, I’m no newcomer to this. Been at it since the age of 8 and struggled with therapists, books and methods. With and without my SO, going through the phases of patching the pieces together. I’ve also overcome other destructive habits in the future that involves drugs. I am just of a different opinion than many others.

    Could be because we at one time went into a ditch, “honesty” became “mind control”, “earning trust” became “lay down like a carpet and be walked all over”.

    Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. I would never try to review your experiences. I think every story is unique and you’re probably right in what you say. From my point of view though, what you explain only strengthen my philosophy.

    All the best!
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Rehab101

    Rehab101 Fapstronaut

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    Looks like u don't feel being desired by your so. You should ask him by is he even staying with you. Is he just using you as a back up? Even though I watched porn and liked the physical features from some other women, I still desired my so. Yes she doesn't have the perfect breasts, face, etc, but I reassured her the things I like about her and stuff. I made sure she feel cared and loved for. My so was a strong woman and she did not compared herself with those 2D images. She knew she was better than em herself.
    U and ur so have strong trust issues. I don't know why he didn't tell you stuff. I don't know if you expressed distrust toward him. What did he do about it? Putting pmo aside, the communication maybe the root of the problem of deeper issues.
     
  7. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    Whatever partner you find its a good chance you will be cheated mentally 1000 times, especially if your partner is in 20s or younger then its 90% chance you will be mentally cheated
     
  8. Jeez you're replies sure don't reflect your username. Where are these statistics from you're tossing out here?
     
  9. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    I am just using logic and looking from my perspective, my mindset before i knew anyting about pornography was its more fun to M with P then without P, that is surely mindset of others too

    Visualization is law of universe and with positive thoughts you create positive reality, but there is big difference between visualization and daydreaming ^_^
     
  10. Daydreaming isn't fantasizing either. Fantasizing is closer to visualization than daydreaming in that an addict, in quite the real sense, is putting themselves in the position of an actor in P. This creates a very short term positive reality for an addict to M and O.

    Agreed on using the logic of an addict. (You can't justify this reasoning at all no matter how hard you try to me....I was an addict, too ;)
     
  11. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    Why would anyone M when its more fun to PMO? From logical view 100% people are doing PMO, doesnt mean that i am addict if i say that PMO feels good, we will surely agree that it feels good for 2 minutes and then it puts you in hell for 2 weeks, that is illusion of heaven but its actually hell

    I realized i am not negative, most in this thread are negative especially women and they are affected by this very much like its the end of the world and when i tell the truth you dont agree becouse its uncomfortable for you to accept it

    I am not affected by it, not even close like you and them, so i am not negative ^_^ am i? They are negative, they say karma, karma, KARMA that partners will pay for what they did

    If that hurts you they already paid even twice trust me, they ruined much more themselves then you, they lost confidence, they lost all energy and life force, they became socially awkward, less attractive and nobody likes them (not just opposite sex) but friends and everyone, they became losers in dark room, so if your partner hurt you with PMO karma already punished them trust me
     
  12. Oh I accept the truth just fine. You've only expressed excuses though, not truths. You've expressed terms like "in logical terms....", that isn't factual evidence or truth. That's opinion.

    If you believe visualizing is positive and brings positive reality then you must also believe in karma. Do good, get good. Do bad, one shall suffer.

    Yes. You are. And you answered how you are affected in your last paragraph. :)

    Stay as strong in your recovery as you are strong willed here to defend use so much and you will definitely overcome your addiction.
     
  13. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    I am not affected xD what was negative there?
    Its impossible for us to come to right conclusions becouse you are thinking with emotions, not with logic, and i didnt expect you to think with logic becouse youre a women
     
  14. Wow. Right there is why I'm going to ignore you further. I've been waiting on that from you specifically.

    Hate to tell ya, pal....women are equal to men. And given you're a baby yet in age compared to me, and think you have the "authority" to determine men are greater shows your true integrity as nothing more than an addict that objectifies women and demeans them.

    Furthermore, logically speaking: the superiority that you *think* you have because you sport a penis you cannot seem to keep from playing with like it's a toy from Santa, all in the name of "good times" and "truth that everyone does it", makes you the affected one, not me.

    You are nothing more than a chaevenistic boy that again, gets butthurt when called out by a woman and can do nothing more than run circles in words (misspelled words by the way, maybe that's because you are superior?) and then insult.

    You really are a piece of work. God bless you and best wishes on your journey. I truly hope no female ever partners with you having that mindset.
     
  15. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    It is in female nature to think with emotions, why you find that as offensive? All youre calling me out is to repeat same thing over and over again, here i will repeat it:

    I am NOT justifying porn, this is same like 2 people drinks alcohol and one attacks another for drinking alcohol, nonsence? Then i say that and then you tell me i justyfing drinking alcohol even if i didnt drink alcohol 7 months, and i am talking about something totally else and then you constantly saying how i am justifying drinking alcohol, which is another nonsence, youre trying to make something out of me what i am not becouse you have no argument

    My girlfriend is red pill and not like you brainwashed feminists, so your wish is not fullfied ^_^ you think that you are fighting for equality with feminism but real purpose behind feminism is for women to rule this world and men be treated like horses and slaves, you already can see that a lot of men are brainwashed and they apologize for existing in this world, they letting women control them, they do whatever women tell them, they are not even acting like grown up men and they are asking women for everything, hey can i go outside with friends? Can i go to exercise? Can i do this? Can i do that? ^_^ feminism wants to destroy men

    I didnt try to be jerk, i was just speaking my mind
     
  16. Open mouth. Insert foot.
     
  17. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I think this is one of the most descriptive, phenomenal and true post on this forum. Every man needs to read this. And I don't think it's an exaggeration whatsoever - in fact, it describes interaction with one other person, when in truth a person with a porn viewing partner has to go to bed every night for the rest of their lives knowing they've been mentally cheated on with thousands and thousands of others. If you wanna destroy the life of someone close to you, porn addiction is really one of the most efficient way to do it.
     
  18. Please show me where I have posted anything with a dead animal...
     
  19. I think he's on some wanna be "Matrix" mindset or something. Maybe he had bad mushrooms for dinner, I don't know....but he's definitely not worth the time...lol
     
  20. Transmute Suffering

    Transmute Suffering Fapstronaut

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    Her anger is unfounded. Watching a porn video is not cheating or betrayal in anyway. It does, however, belittle her as she knows adult film actors are much more attractive on a general scale. She was no longer the centre of your universe, at least for sexual gratification. She requires this sexual attention to validate her self-worth, otherwise she is not attractive in her viewpoint, as she is dependent on you for her validation.

    This is a double edged sword with one side stemming from insecurity that requires validation, and the other side not dependent on validation as they substituted it with unhealthy PMO. Both sides need fixing.

    Consider both of you going to psychotherapy, as you both have issues, if you can afford it.
     

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