Telling your spouse...

Your wife told you that she would be hurt by you watching porn and you’re a good husband and don’t want to hurt her so you’re wondering if you should tell her because why hurt her, and why put yourself through the silent treatment. According to you your relationship is great because she doesn’t know.
Is it actually great? What if the shoe was on the other foot and she was wondering if she should tell you that she’s been sleeping with the mailman? She thinks your relationship is wonderful so what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

I don’t believe porn is wrong for every relationship but because she’s already expressed she doesn’t want it in your relationship you should respect that.

Most women will agree that the lies and covering up are much worse than the actual viewing of porn. She might surprise you if you tell her the truth rather than getting caught months or years down the road.

 

If you don't want her to tell her family, you should work that into the conversation. I agree that the extra shame could be unhelpful but it partly depends on how much your wife needs her family's support.

 

@shallwebegin

I told my SO, she said probably 90 percent of men do and it wasn't a big deal,,,, ( i was shocked at her response) till i got into why we weren't intimate like we used to be. that got her thinking, she thanked me for being honest but it hurt and she needed to digest it all. haven't heard a peep from her since.

Mind you we are broke up living in the same house for now. Broke up before i told her, she said she had no idea it was going on. I needed to get that monkey off my back and let her know our lack of intimacy wasn't her fault.

I would just do it, so what family knows
My ex so is right 90 percent probably do. It will help you move forward with your recovery

I said to her verbatim, "I have a problem and need help and im getting that help, i look at porn and masturbate"

Good luck brother

 

Wow...told my wife the same and she didn't want me to seek help at groups (those people cheat and I would too, apparently). Granted, porn is a form of cheating, but that's another point.

Mine knows I masturbated (currently four days free), but she didn't know the full extent. We're in a sexless marriage (partially because of PA and partially of her being molested between the ages of 6 and 10), but I do love her...even if she irritates the hell out of me, which I'm sure I do to her as well.

Back to the discussion. Since group is a no go, and none of my friends/family took my problem seriously, I joined up with NoFap. I'm not telling her about it, because it will start a whole other argument. I understand her rage, but she can be belligerent, especially when tequila's involved.

 

Maybe if you told her she might be interested in just looking around the site and see what other SOs have to say. My gf is on here and has learned a lot and has also helped people and motivated them to do the right thing depending on everyone's individual circumstance. I think she may think that you are actually trying to help yourself and improve your relationship with her.

 

I am a partner. The most hurtful part, for me, has always been not being told. I don't expect him to be perfect. I know he isn't. When he doesn't tell me and then I find out, (which, by the way, WILL happen) it makes me feel lower than low. Not only is this going on, but I am not cared about enough to even have the truth shared with me. Instead of you simply having a secret, your life begins to feel like a secret to your spouse. If you are attempting to build any sort of real trust and intimacy with your partner, you have to tell her. Eventually she will find out. She can probably feel it in your behavior already. Do yourself and your relationship a favor, tell her and deal with the fallout of the choice that was made. Then decide where to go from there. By telling her, you change the dynamic to being proactive instead of being reactive.

 

very big mistake not to tell her

 

@shallwebegin

i also want to warn you that if you don’t kick out PMO and realize the seriousness, your story may end up like this, and your life will be ruined

https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/yet-another-porn-widow-my-journey.240316/

 

Great post.

While all women generally want to be supportive many aren’t.

I think you know your SO best. And you probably know her well enough by now to know what she will do. Even if she surprises you— -and says no biggie , that’s your battle to face , you aren’t telling her because she can handle it—-you are telling her for you to be at peace with being honest.

Honesty sucks at times. It sucks because it doesn’t shield us from consequences.

Even so, while it can suck, you will
Enjoy freedom from fear. That is worth the price every time.

Men stand up to fears.

I know in cases that I have Counseled—- men hide the truth for the women’s benefit or for their own benefit. That is a sick cycle though. If you want to hold back info—- just be prepared to do it until your deathbed.

I actually suggest: why don’t you work on telling her everything you are afraid of before you tell her anything that is a boogie monster??

Let’s say you are afraid she will leave you.

Face it. Here’s how you do that.

Say: “sweety I want to tell you something that has scared me for years. honestly I’m more afraid of this boogie monster truth than I feel secure in your love for me.

I have fantasized a million times with porn models. I have done it since before we met. I tried to hide it from you this long. I think you will want to leave me knowing this. And honestly i’ll Just die knowing I lost you. But I would rather die than keep lying every day to myself, because I want to be honest, vulnerable and genuine with you.

Porn doesn’t let me be that way— so it has got to go. I am already addressing that for the past (30 days) or whatever. If you want me to go pack my bags i’ll Go ahead and start.”

Face it. Most SO’s don’t leave. It’s the chemistry of love. Very few leave for just pmo addiction—but she has a choice to stay. Your fear brain needs to hear her say “I choose to stay.”

If you don’t have kids then this is probably tougher. It is NOT impossible.