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When The Wife Does NOT Understand

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Jun 17, 2019.

  1. I am being the best listener I can be. Reading many postings here caused me to wake up even further and I told her and reassured her that none of this was her fault. I have owned up to what I did to her and all I can do is be there for her for the rest of her life, as much as I can. I cannot change the past but I can attempt to reassure that there is a future. Last night she said she would never leave me. I cried. Maybe this was some weird wake up call for a troubled marriage, I dont know.
    It is, however, quite remarkable how men and women view this as evidenced here. I needed the women's point of view to aid in correcting my ignorance.
    I know this is far from over but there are signs that are promising. Thanks to all of you who post and continue to do so.
     
  2. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    If you dont have a daily journal, it might be a good idea that you do that, that way it can help with those emotions and troubling times you are having and may continue to have. There is always support here!
     
    Deleted Account and hope4healing like this.
  3. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I can relate. Hearing your SO say porn is the same as cheating is one thing, hearing a bunch of other SOs here say the same thing is another. It helps us PAs recognize the truth of that reality that isn't just a difference of opinion.

    I was working on dropping porn before here, and was serious about it for a while.....but once I came here within 2 weeks I knew I had to write out an apology letter taking all the blame and without my previous defensiveness.

    I have a draft in the first few pages of my journal. It was no breakthrough but it helped with my wife.
     
  4. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    Everyone watches porn, who doesnt watch porn? Only we on nofap, if you are betrayor then everyone is betrayor, stop blaming yourself, you are not the worst person in the world, respect yourself, tell her to stop using that against you
     
    Rehab101 and The Lone Ranger like this.
  5. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Respect yourself, yes. You are choosing a better path.

    It IS one of the weird things with this porn problem that the stats say it's extremely common but SOs often see the issue as equal to cheating that is a much less common problem, and to men a totally different issue. That's just learning though, it doesn't make the SO view wrong, that's how they feel.
     
  6. Mourde

    Mourde Fapstronaut

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    You must being able to see both sides to truly know how to heal not only yourself but your relationship. Respect not only yourself but your partner also, we committed ourself to are partners and they have a right to feel also! The only way to heal is that you have to wade through the hurt, that doesnt mean they are using anything against you, they are looking for answers and a way to heal themselves. Communication is key and so is being open and honest, just have to find a balance in everything and things will get better!
     
    need4realchg, Numb, Rehab101 and 2 others like this.
  7. Pretty much agree with all the ladies. It takes as long as it takes for her to process.....even if it takes longer than 27 years.

    I love my wife and want no other so I am prepared to work my recovery for the rest of my life and if she keeps working through her trauma in the entirety of my remaining time on this earth, then thats the reality and I will be happy in the knowledge that we are perfect together and moving forward together even though it is not perfect
     
  8. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Not everyone watch porn. There are always people who don't. There are people who has done it but stopped, people that are open with doing it and then there are people who live a double life, where the spouse doesn't have a clue what it is that makes her marriage slowly and painfully fall apart.

    So let's talk about her, because in this case it is a woman, and she has has had everything she ever believed in taken away from her. She has been mentally cheated on with thousands of other women. She has been neglected physically and emotionally. She has been humiliated and denied a life she worked for and deserved. She has, in lack of a better description, been mentally killed by the person she was supposed to trust the most in the world.

    This SO has no intent of "using it against" her husband. She wants nothing more than to love and respect and forgive him, but she can't. Nothing in this world is for free. If we wrong someone, we will have to pay the consequences. And payment time has come.

    The writer of this thread has done her a great favour in coming clean with her. This is the hardest thing to do, but by far the kindest. He has shown her tremendous consideration for her by doing so, and bravery. Now she will have to heal, and that will be a terrible, terrible time, but he is lucky to even have her by his side, because he has subjected her to something so terrible that few men would be able to live through the same ordeal.

    So let her vent, cry, scream and be irrational for as long as she needs. She will come out on the other side, both of them will.
     
  9. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    You think she never did anyting like watching porn? Everyone did
    Older generations maybe no, but we generations under 30 surely yes
    If you allow your wife or girlfriend to use something against you like you are the worst person in the world for something everyone did thats very unfair and you dont respect yourself
     
    Rehab101 and The Lone Ranger like this.
  10. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I don't think she, the SO in this case, has a hidden history of pornography abuse, no. It's not about him being bad either, it's about her and them to heal together. A relationship is a team endeavour, where nobody works against each other and the strong one needs to support the weak one. These rolls shift sometimes.

    The faults one makes in a marriage, one takes responsibility for. My husband has done me wrong, more wrong than I have done to him. Do I have the right to cheat and disrespect him? Absolutely not. What I do, I take responsibility for. It is no moral tug of war, we are adults.
     
  11. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    With your logic everyone is cheater and i should leave my girlfriend becouse i know she cheats on me and never look for another person again
     
  12. Let me change the addiction for a moment here and sort of put what I'm hearing from you in a broader sense please.


    So everyone jumps off a bridge, splatters on a freeway below and you like the rush, been doing it but happen to live. Your partner throws a fit about how your selfish act has changed her life, and yours, because you're all fucked up now, she decides to tend to you and stay because she loves you, but be strong herself. And yea, she is going to remind you you fucked up and hurt both of you because you chose to play "superman" on more than one occasion and this time it didn't pan out as planned. And you're mindset is:

    "Well babe...everyone else did it, hell you did too probably because you're my age".

    ?? Serious ??

    Yea maybe, maybe she DID jump off too but she was smart enough to land on a moving truck filled with pillows. And not try it again.

    Degradation, willfully manipulating an addict in a shame cycle...that's wrong. But yea...addicts deserve some ass reaming to an extent.

    Furthermore:
    If you're an addict and your girl is watching porn...and she gives a damn...she may want to keep that to herself. You will never be able to watch it again as some people may be able to without falling into a cycle again. And really yea...she's cheating. Why do people need to watch other people screw for entertainment or to get excited to be with their partner??
     
    Nugget9, Numb, hope4healing and 2 others like this.
  13. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    I don't know about your situation, but I definitively don't think everyone is a cheater. I think I started my post with the words "not everyone watches porn". I might add that even fewer cheats. Nowhere did I say anyone should leave their girlfriend. I think you might have replied to the wrong post.
     
  14. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    You have to separate feelings versus your opinion of the facts. If an SO is feeling betrayed by the use of porn, that is her feeling. You have to be able to accept that is her feeling. That doesn't mean you can't be upset at her for using your past porn use to berate you. Those are your feelings and they are okay as well.

    The next step is for you to recognize her feelings and understand them and for her to recognize yours. Sometimes both sides to this never fully happens.

    I'm in the camp that thinks the "not cheating" perspective that most men have with PMO is completely valid. I'm not dropping porn because I've changed my thoughts on that and don't want to be a cheating husband.

    Instead, I recognize that my wife feels that way. From her, and even more from others here, I understand why she might feel that and what the ramifications are from those feelings. (Usually feelings of ugliness, unworthy of love or affection, to simplify things). Now, I might come to a full buy in to dropping PMO because I don't want my wife to feel that way, or I might have my own reasons that can be as simple as if my wife feels that way we don't have sex and I want to have sex.

    Regardless, we don't have to agree on the facts or opinion that cause the feelings, we just need to understand them to guide us on this journey.

    But by all means, make sure feelings about the verbal abuse are heard as well. But it will go better to confirm the feelings behind the words and only address the behavior.
     
  15. Always be positive

    Always be positive Fapstronaut

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    Im not saying that its ok to continue watching porn, all im saying is that this men is blaming himself like he is worse then her and others, then she is blaming him (even if she is not any better then him) which is unfair to him

    I am not addict, i am on nofap day 48 and didnt watch porn twice this year

    I said that everyone is watching porn (or at least watched porn)
    Then you said that watching porn is a cheating
    =everyone is cheating

    Congratulations, we are all cheated by our partners ^_^ you may think that not everyone is watching porn, even if they dont they are using imagination and creating images in their mind, which is the same as watching porn

    All i am saying here that this men should respect himself and thats it xD we all have different views on pornography, for most its not a big deal, some are hurt if they partner watched porn, some couples are even watching porn together
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  16. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    I can say with confidence that not everyone watches porn. I can say that with less confidence as the age of the person goes down, fair enough.

    Their is also a difference between porn use single and married and if it's known and accepted or secret. We all I think understand that some of those scenarios don't have the couple's coming here to change things. They simple are doing what they do. People come here when it's a problem.

    Anyways, I see you sticking up for the guy here in this thread, and that's a good thing.

    Cheers
     
  17. Congrats on your recovery so far. You are still an addict, a recovering addict. :) recovered is when you've faced your demons, learned to process triggers in a healthy manner and not fall into the cycle again. That's more than 48 days.

    I truly hope in a year or so I can congratulate you on advancement towards continued growth and success!!
     
  18. I haven’t posted in months but felt the need to chime in with my thoughts.
    You said “how can a man understand this? The women meant nothing?”
    ill try to help you understand... let’s assume that for over 20 years you go to sleep sad and angry because you’re in the mood but your wife doesn’t seem to have any interest. You wonder if it’s because you’re fat, bald, ugly, smell bad, or possibly that she’s a lesbian and doesn’t want to come out of the closet. You have given up trying to seduce her because the pain of constant rejection hurts too bad. You just wait and hope she will become aroused and try to make love. She never does. You feel hopeless and alone. Then comes a huge shock to you. You find out that for all those years she has been having webcam sex with your best friend. She had a secret fetish that he also enjoys and the 2 of them watched each other daily for years. She justifies it because she wasn’t sleeping with anyone else- it was harmless and not cheating- just looking.
    How do you feel?
     
  19. The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger Fapstronaut

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    I’ve read the whole thread and want to add in.

    When I finally faced my compulsive destructive habit of P-use I phoned my local medical centre and explained my issues. The woman answering said it was a good thing calling them. I then said it was probably the only good thing I accomplished in many years. That’s how I felt, as I ruined everything, worthless, guilty, good for nothing. She then said no, let’s see it for what it is, be sober about it, you don’t fool me. You probably have a bunch of good qualities, you try your best being a good husband and raising your children. Now you have developed an addiction and that part of you we need to deal with.

    I’ve carried that with me. What my bad habits have been a lot about is disrespect and diminishing women including, ladies on screen as well as lady at home. I want to live a life where we have respect for each others feelings as well as respect for sexual integrity. Therefore (and now I will provoke you) I can’t be hold responsible for my actions. There is no way I can pay my SO back. I believe a risk with moving on from this addiction is trying to even it out. That would easily mean being willing to take whatever comes at me. Because I deserve it. But that would walk all over my sexual integrity that I’m now trying to build up. I need respect even though I haven’t earned it. Cliche, two wrongs don’t make a right. That is what forgiveness is about, remittance, release.

    If you have a friend that falls into a drug addiction and manage to raise up from it you don’t say, why didn’t you call me that time six months ago when you said? I have a hard time trusting you now. Answer, because I was a freaking junkie, that’s why. It’s totally expected, it’s in the nature of addiction to hurt people around you as well as yourself.

    Best of wishes to everyone out there!
     


  20. You pay your SO back by being honest and open. This is also how you earn respect.

    I don’t agree with you about this last sentence.... if a friend turned into a drug addict not many people would say “I don’t trust you because you didn’t call me when you said you would” they might say “I don’t trust you because you stole money from me to buy drugs” I am not quite sure you fully understand what this addiction does to the SO but I’ll give you an idea about how it’s messed with me.
    I used to wonder why he was never hard around me. He would tell me I was beautiful but never wanted to make love- and the odd time he did- it was all about his pleasure and then he’d roll over and leave me frustrated. Most of the time he just wasn’t interested. When the truth came out (I found out he didn’t volunteer the information) I had mixed emotions. Relieved that it wasn’t because I was ugly- but then angry and sad that he kept this from me. Shortly after he quit PMO I wanted sex all the time. This sadly wasn’t because of arousal or respect for him. I was terrified of him going back to PMO I wanted to be available all the time so he wouldn’t go back to that.

    I started acting hyper vigilant I was making myself crazy. When we would go out on a date I couldn’t relax and enjoy the moment I would be watching his eyes every time a pretty woman walked by to make sure he wasn’t tempted. I became uncomfortable around sexual scenes in movies, I wanted these emotions to stop but didn’t know how. (They’re still there- we have a vacation this fall to Jamaica and I am terrified of going. I don’t want to go. All the women half naked on the beach ugh I’ve got anxiety thinking about it- if he tries to initiate sex I am going to assume it’s only because of all the eye candy he’s been watching on the beach)

    After 100+ days he relapsed. Once again, I found out. When I confronted him about the evidence he lied right to my face. I will never forget how easy it was to lie to me. That hurt me more than the actual relapse. Does he not realize that if he came to me and told me what had happened I would have been upset but it would have been a lot better than trying to cover it up? This is why trust is not being earned in our situation. I have to wonder how many other times this has happened and I don’t have any evidence. Trust isn’t there because of the lies.
    Sex feels almost like a chore to me now. For awhile I needed the lights on because if they were off I would assume he was closing his eyes and fantasizing to porn he’s seen. Lights on weren’t any better. It would take him longer and I would be stuck in my head thinking “he never takes this long with the lights off- I’m too fat- I don’t have makeup on and look like a pornstar.” Then would move positions so he wouldn’t have to look at my face and he’d quickly finish. This would almost bring me to tears each time. But I never say anything because there isn’t any point.
    I even now question when he wants sex. I wonder to myself “what got him in the mood? Actress on tv? Hot woman on the street he’s imagining?” It’s never been ME so what could it be now that he’s not watching porn?

    This addiction stole everything from me. It’s nothing like what you state above (drug addiction) many years ago I had a drug addiction. (So I understand it) My brother is a homeless drug addict his addiction doesn’t cause me to question myself. It doesn’t cause me to feel trapped, hopeless. When he shoots up, smokes, or snorts something I am not
    Wondering why I am not good enough. Porn addiction destroys your SO in more ways than you seem to understand.
     

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